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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be ok with MIL only wanting one DC to visit?

82 replies

pingulingo · 19/12/2013 19:53

I have huge issues with my MIL and I'm not sure if it's clouding my opinion on this matter.

I have two DC, 12 month age gap at 1 yr old and 2 yr old. MIL is early 50s and fit and well. She lives 250 miles away with FIL and they last had the DC come stay with them in the summer (when we were moving house). MIL has asked to have the DC in the new year for a few days (I've set a max of 3 nights) and has said she only wants one as she can't cope with two. She says she doesn't mind which she has first and will have the second at some point in the future.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this? I know my 1 yr old will not be aware but I think it's setting a precedent I don't like if nothing else.

She says she doesn't mind which DC she has - although my suspicion is this isn't exactly true and she will have some last minute excuse why it's better to have the older 2yr old this time

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 20:25

Well it's not unreasonable to not want them to go at all, not at such a young age. Not even sure you need to justify it.

KongKickeroo · 19/12/2013 20:27

I think you've asked the wrong question by focusing on the "only one at a time" issue.

If you'd asked "AIBU to not want to drop off one of my very young children 250 miles away for 3 nights with no compelling reason to do so other than because MIL fancies it?" I suspect you would have got different replies Grin

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:28

Defineme - the issues are long and varied. Most of the things that annoy me don't hinder my MIL ability to look after my children and I do try to remember that. She bitches about me behind my back etc.
but she also has form for ignoring my wishes - which considering I'm laid back enough to send my 5 month old born prematurely baby to visit then please respect me enough to follow the basic instructions I give - like please don't take her swimming she doesn't have as much padding as a full time baby.
She has also wanted to take the children to Ireland for a holiday - I said no, too far. She then went to Ireland and was asking family members whether the children really need a passport and basically just planning on doing what she wants.
This is why I've said 3 nights only as I know her and I know she can't go anywhere too far wht them. I probably would suggest she take the 2 yr old as he is walking and talking. It's more long winded than this but I have vetoed any visits or the past 6 months because I was so unhappy about being ignored the last time - she also refused to give my DS calpol (ear infection) and then lied to me about it.

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 19/12/2013 20:28

It's not like she's saying she only ever wants to see/have one of them. Just one at a time. A 1 and 2 year old must be tiring.

lanbro · 19/12/2013 20:29

When my sister and I were kids I went on my own, as the eldest, to my grandparents and it wasn't til we were older, and more manageable, that we went together. I have 2 under 2s and wouldn't expect grandparents to have them both at the moment.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 20:30

3 nights ONLY?

These children are little more than babies.

3 nights is way too long for them to be away from their parents.

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:31

Sorry on phone but you get the gist. I thought I might get a few more IANBU if I started to describe her - I just wanted some viewpoints on just having one DC at a time as a separate matter as I was struggling to separate it in my head from my general dislike of her.

OP posts:
NomNomDePlum · 19/12/2013 20:32

i wouldn't let either of them go for such a long time, especially if they don't really know your mil. i never understand why people who supposedly love the tiny children in question would consider stressing them out by taking them away from their primary carer and keeping them in a strange place - a two year old has no sense of how long three days is, not to mind a one year old. i am all for children having good relationships with their grandparents, but playing at being a primary carer while causing unnecessary anxiety to the child doesn't seem like a good foundation for a relationship to me.

NomNomDePlum · 19/12/2013 20:34

and if there's any possibility that she will take the children out of the country without your permission, then i really don't see why they need to visit her at all.

kidinasweetshop · 19/12/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:43

All the family live quite far away and I didn't want the DC to get to an older age and for it to be a totally alien thing to stay at their GP on their own. I thought by doing it from a young age it would be easier. The distances are too far for a day trip really. But whilst it was bearable when they were younger, I have got a knot in my stomach this time.

And the phrase "playing at being primary carer" strikes an uncomfortable chord as I do feel MIL revels in this. She's always going on about how she forgets and calls herself "mummy" which I hate

OP posts:
Skang · 19/12/2013 20:43

I really think the idea of sending a 1 or 2 year old of fun to stay with someone they barely know is crazy. They are too young! Will they not be terrified? Especially the 1 year old? My 2 year old would be out of her mind scared!

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:43

But if I'm ok with saying yes to a visit then I accept I have to be okay with her just having one DC. Thanks

OP posts:
Skang · 19/12/2013 20:43

Of fun = off

Orangeanddemons · 19/12/2013 20:45

I think she is entitled to do what she wants, but I just cannot get over the amount of people on here thinking she is too old to have them. I have my nephews who are 3 and 5 quite often together and have a dd who is 7.

Strangely enough I don't need a bath chair or Zimmerman frame to do it, despite being 50

BlingBang · 19/12/2013 20:51

My parents or inlaws have never had my kids overnight though they were their 60's. I think it's a huge thing to take unless they are really up for it. Send the 2yr old (I think 1yr old is a bit young TBH for a 3 day visit) and let them be spoiled while you can spoil the 1yr old - really don't see a problem.

ShoeWhore · 19/12/2013 20:53

I don't think it's about her age as such - I had two children a year apart and it is really hard work! More so for someone who isn't used to looking after small children. I wouldn't have been comfortable with my sister taking it on and she is younger than me Smile

So I think your MIL is not unreasonable to suggest just having one of them at a time. 3 nights seems quite long though, perhaps 2 would be better?

I'm more troubled by the other stuff, like planning to take them to Ireland, refusing to give Calpol, the swimming - that's not good!

BlingBang · 19/12/2013 20:55

Just RTFT. So she isn't that familiar with the children - TBH, given that and how young they are, I think it would be strange to send them off for 3 days.

LiegeAndLief · 19/12/2013 21:00

I wouldn't be terribly keen on having a 1 and 2 yr old overnight and I'm 34 and have two dc myself! That bit is completely understandable.

However, after the other stuff you said I'd struggle to send them at all. 3 nights does seem a long time for a 2yo, especially if you don't trust her.

Garcia10 · 19/12/2013 21:19

Can some of the posters who say they are too young to be away from three days explain why they think so? Genuine question. My daughter stayed with both sets of grandparents when she was this age and even younger for more than one night and I never thought that there might be an issue with it. I am one of three and my husband is one if four. Both sets were great parents and are now brilliant grandparents. It just didn't occur to me that they wouldn't give her as much care as I do. She is now 12 and has a really close relationship with them all and I think her staying with them when she was young has contributed to that.

defineme · 19/12/2013 21:19

Don't do it-it's not a duty. I stayed with my Nana for weeks when I was 12, but at that age I'd never been without my mum-started that at 6 or 7-I was very close to my Nana.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 21:28

"It just didn't occur to me that they wouldn't give her as much care as I do."

Why ask a question when you've obviously already decided what the answer must be? Hmm

It never "occurred to me" either that my parents wouldn't give my children as much care as I do.

I just don't believe that it is fair to toddlers to have their primary carers disappear from their lives for several days, regardless of the quality of the care they get.

As children get older they become capable of forming stable attachments to many different people and able to understand time and place better.

Several people in the thread have already explained this.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 21:34

Different question OP.
Perfectly reasonable for them to have your DC one at a time.

3 days at their young age is, imo too long. I didn't have my oldest DGC overnight (one night) until he was 5. And I see them all the time.

And my DiL would not be parting from her one year-old for overnight at all. So you'd be fine to say No if you're not happy yet.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 21:43

Sounds lovely for the DCs and the grandmother to me. We have 2 close in age and when little my husband and I agreed it was easier to have one, it didn't matter which one.

jollygoose · 19/12/2013 21:43

as a gm myself of 2 beautiful boys 4 and 2 I can honestly say I would only want to look after 1 at a time. I often have them both for 2 hours at a time and find it very hard work as the little one wants to meddle in older ones play and I spend all my time trying to keep them interested in different parts of the room.
I think yabu in your attitude towards mil who has been honest.

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