Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be ok with MIL only wanting one DC to visit?

82 replies

pingulingo · 19/12/2013 19:53

I have huge issues with my MIL and I'm not sure if it's clouding my opinion on this matter.

I have two DC, 12 month age gap at 1 yr old and 2 yr old. MIL is early 50s and fit and well. She lives 250 miles away with FIL and they last had the DC come stay with them in the summer (when we were moving house). MIL has asked to have the DC in the new year for a few days (I've set a max of 3 nights) and has said she only wants one as she can't cope with two. She says she doesn't mind which she has first and will have the second at some point in the future.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this? I know my 1 yr old will not be aware but I think it's setting a precedent I don't like if nothing else.

She says she doesn't mind which DC she has - although my suspicion is this isn't exactly true and she will have some last minute excuse why it's better to have the older 2yr old this time

OP posts:
SilverApples · 19/12/2013 20:12

Sounds reasonable to me as she's alternating. I'd only be upset if she wanted one and not the other. Quality 1:1 time for her, and for the child left with you.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 19/12/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 20:13

I don't think you would be at ALL unreasonable to say that both children are currently too young to be away from you and their father for so long and that they need to be a bit older for overnight stays.

As I said, I wouldn't allow my children to have sleepovers at that age.

And have no need to "compromise" with her and give her your children just because she wants them.

lilyaldrin · 19/12/2013 20:13

One at a time/only the oldest sounds sensible to me, but 3 days seems like quite a long time for such little children to be away.

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:14

I would prefer to visit with them but my DP can't get annual leave for next month at such short notice and I wouldn't without him - although I'm tempted to go put in a visit in February instead just to get round the whole issue. Altho my DP would like his parents to be allowed unsupervised visits so I am just putting off the inevitable anyway.

OP posts:
DingDongHairyPOnHigh · 19/12/2013 20:15

I would be ok with that as long as she wasn't playing favourites. The fact that she said she didn't mind which one she had first, shows that she isn't.

Two little ones would be a lot to cope with if your are not dealing with them all the time.

plantsitter · 19/12/2013 20:15

YABU sorry.

defineme · 19/12/2013 20:15

I'm not sure I could compromise on an overnight with children as young as this.

foreverondiet · 19/12/2013 20:16

So she is happy for both to visit just as long as you stay too. Toddlers dare very hard work so you are being reasonable to complain that she will only look after one. I would never ever ask my mil to have more that one at a time (for overnight) and my kids are older.

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:17

And I don't mind my mum having them for a weekend without me so I can be accused of double standards too!

OP posts:
defineme · 19/12/2013 20:17

Why though- what are the issues. Yes put it off now-a 2 yrold is not capable of telling you about any issues, let alone a 1 yrold- 3 days is a long time if you don't trust them.

defineme · 19/12/2013 20:18

Well we can help you by saying whether yabu- why don't you trust them?

impatienttobemummy · 19/12/2013 20:18

Id never ask my Minlaw to have both at that age, too much. I'd be worried she couldn't cope tbh

WaitMonkey · 19/12/2013 20:19

You are massively unreasonable, hope this helps.

Original poster
pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:19

(Didn't mean that as defensive as it sounds - I do really think I could be seen to have double standards on which grandparents are okay having the DC visit alone)

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 20:20

But putting off overnight stays until they are old enough to really enjoy them and not miss you too much is just sensible.

They are toddlers, they don't need to have unsupervised contact with people they can't know very well yet.

They are likely to find it confusing and upsetting to be away from what they know, especially for so long.

I would say 3 is about the youngest age when overnight visits like this work - a 3 year old is big enough to understand the whole idea and that it's only for a few days.

foreverondiet · 19/12/2013 20:20

Why do you need your do to have leave - could go without him if important for kids to be together.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/12/2013 20:20

We once had my two SGCs to stay overnight. Girl aged 8, boy aged 4, half siblings and both my DHs biological DGCs. But despite this even he said never ever again , nightmare. We have had the older girl to sleep over before and been lovely for everybody and we have had a great time. But throw little brother into mix and it was a nightmare he was overtired but would not go to bed unless his sister did (a sibling rivalry/jealousy or fomo thing obviously) and kept coming back down and sobbing for his sister to come to bed.
His mother doesn't help by always insisting her SD (his sister goes to bed at same time as him so as not to disturb him later Hmm A real wicked stepmother (whole other thread).
So we only have the girl on her own now

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/12/2013 20:22

'...her sister (his sister) goes to bed..'

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:22

You ABU, over reacting and over thinking it Smile

Just let them go one at a time and have quality time with their nan Grin

WaitMonkey · 19/12/2013 20:22

Well done for admitting you're unreasonable. It would be a different story if she was picking one over the other, but she isn't. She's just saying she can't manage with both. As you know yourself 2 dc of that age are tricky.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/12/2013 20:22

Oh FFS !

her SD (his sister) goes to bed...

MoominMammasHandbag · 19/12/2013 20:22

How often do the children see her? Personally I think three nights is too long for a two year old to be left with a relative stranger.

KrabbyPatty · 19/12/2013 20:23

Having just one is fine, I wouldn't relish a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old together.

My concern would be that the children wouldn't really know her as they haven't seen her for a long time. Mine would not have adapted too well to staying in strange surroundings with a relative stranger.

43percentburnt · 19/12/2013 20:24

I used to go to my grandparents alone and I have some fantastic memories. Lots of cake baking, midnight feasts, gardening etc, some of my fondest childhood memories. I actually preferred going there alone! It meant I had a great relationship with my grandparents and I knew them really well. one to one time is a great idea, for the child at grans and the child at home. She is definitely nbu as she has said she will alternate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread