to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

[flummoxedbanana]

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

[2rebecca]

Maybe it can be enriching, but I still think that it should only be going ahead if both parents want it to happen. I don't see why the mother gets more of a say in this than the dad and if the dad disagrees then it doesn't happen.
The mother sounds rather controlling here because I have never tried to tell my ex who can and can't look after the kids when they are with him. He's a parent just like me. I don't tell him what to do when the kids are with him (unless I heard they were doing something dangerous or he was being negligent) and he doesn't tell me what to do.
If the father doesn't agree to this weekend activity then he doesn't take his daughter. If the father wants to have someone else looking after his kids for a couple of hours to avoid a long car journey then he does so.
I don't see why the 6 year old is considered so much more imortant than her siblings though. She gets to spend 2 hours in a car on a Sat am and dance for an hour, her sibs get to spend 2 hours in a car and watch her dance for an hour.
Sounds crap for all involved.

[saintlyjimjams]

Tbh I really do think activities should be driven by the children. If she wants to do the activity ( when asked properly / or on an assessment of how happy she is on leaving the class- rather than on some loaded question from dad) then she should be supported as it's been started.

If she loses interest then she gets made to continue going until she's completed the block that has been paid for then gives up.

The problem here is partly that the parents seem to have completely differing views on how important this activity is to the child in question. And so value the activity differently.

[saintlyjimjams]

Well I don't think it should be about either parent having more say - it's about what is right for the child. As she spends 3 weekends out of 4 with her mother of course the activity will be based near her main home. And contact should be arranged to allow her stability.

[saintlyjimjams]

Er did you mean to include all that bit about slippers - you might want to report your post as it includes names!

It's sad for the kids in cases such as SillyBilly's though isn't it? She saw the upset her ex's refusal to engage in her son's activity caused. IMO it depends on how important the activity is to the child. And in this case it seems the mum says 'very' and the dad says 'not at all'. So who knows?

[ChestnutsroastingintheFireligh]

My dd did tsp dancing. She was in thevfrintvtiw during her last show in all the formations

Any teachercwirthbtheir salt will start choreographing show routines using patterns and rotations. If a child is constantly missing they will be stuck at the back not taking part in these formations

One year dd missed a lot of lessons due to bring in two months of panto. She had to delay her exams as a result and progress slowed. Others moved ahead of her.

[flummoxedbanana]

T

[flummoxedbanana]

The

[flummoxedbanana]

The parent has to watch in viewing gallery so can't take kids to cafe. He considered tying it in with swimming after dancing but 6 yr old refuses to go swimming despite her siblings wanting to and mum says she must be listened to

[saintlyjimjams]

Well I would just do the swimming. How's mum going to stop it? Or explain to the 6 year old that if she wants to continue then swimming is part of the deal. Are you SURE mum said that, or is that being used as justification - because it doesn't sound like something that someone would insist on assuming the other children are hers as well.

[flummoxedbanana]

Saintly - without dragging his new child around too, going back and forth to accommodate dancing, parties etc means he'll never spend any weekends with his new child and that they'd struggle to build a sibling relationship which is also an important consideration, surely?

[flummoxedbanana]

She said he can't go against her express wishes not to swim. He said it's against the other kids wishes to take her dancing and she said they'll just have to get over it

[ElenorRigby]

The father needs to take this to court and then smile when the judge rips a new one for the mother.

[flummoxedbanana]

Elenor - a lot of people seem to think she'd win though and he'd have to comply with taking her dancing.

[flummoxedbanana]

Elenor a lot of people here seem to think the mum is being reasonable in her demands though and that he should indeed work around his dcs commitments

[saintlyjimjams]

You seem to know rather a lot of detail? And it all sounds rather father sympathetic. As you sure that even the bonkers sounding bits are accurate & the father isn't just concocting a narrative because he cba

Tbh I'm not sure I buy all this special time to establish sibling relationships. Surely sibling relationships develop in the nitty gritty of daily life not during Disney days out. Who knows when she's older perhaps she'll take her younger sibling to an activity or to even watch her tap dance, who knows.

I stick by what I said earlier - now this activity is established whether it continues or not should depend on the child (the time to object is before an activity starts). Not much hope of agreement there as the parents can't seem to agree whether this doesn't matter at all or is hugely important. It would be best if they could put their own differences aside, observe the child & come to some agreement on that.

She may do it professionally, but even if she doesn't does that matter (she certainly won't do it professionally if she gives up now). I started horse riding at 5. I've never worked in a yard but find myself still horse riding every week nearly 40 years later. It brings me great enjoyment & is in my life because I did it as a child. Luckily I didn't have a parent objecting to the effort involved.

[flummoxedbanana]

Saintly he is dps best friend so he hears a lot from him. I am the ex wife's friend so I hear from her. There will be no nitty gritty of daily life between the siblings as the distance means either carting the new sibling over there all the time or not seeing their siblings except for a few days in the summer holiday

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

You seem to have invested a huge amount of time in your friends' arrangements

[flummoxedbanana]

I think them getting to see their dad is important. He was very hands on when they were married and now he's being more and more marginalised which I don't think is fair on the children

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

They are getting to see him

Two midweek evenings
Every other sunday
And one weekend each month friday to sunday.


Thats 3 times a week where one session also involves two overnights, breakfast, lunch, dinner and all time in between plus travelling to and from their mother's.

As i said up thread this is NOT a case of daddy or dancing. This is just 1 hour (or less depending in length of class) a month during which daddy has to watch her from a seat at the side of the room. Or only one hour that daddy 'gets' to see her dancing depending on daddy's attitude. I know my younger ds likes me to stay and watch his dance class- maybe having her dad there to see her is a real treat for this girl.

[2rebecca]

It isn't 1 hour a month though, it's 3 hours a month as it's an hour there and back, that's the real problem. It means the father can never do any day trips with his daughter on a Saturday or go away for the weekend. It seems extremely intrusive to me.
Why does the 6 year old take priority over the other kids? I'd be just refusing to take her. it seems very unfair on everyone else in the family.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Most of the classes that run year round take time off so it wont be every saturday- he will be able to plan trips or weekends away. This is really just a massive lack of imagination or even willingness to see how it goes. He can get a copy of her dance class calender and (like families up and down the country) plan accordingly. Of course missing one session to go on holiday with her dad would be fine. Regularly missing every fourth session is a completely different issue. I'm assuming this man will also be using some annual leave during summer/easter/christmas holidays to spend time with his dcs and share the childcare with his ex wife so there will be many opportunities for day trips.

[TheDoctrineOfSanta]

Saintly but thus activity was established and then ex moved away so the activity got established at her new home.

That would have been a good time for a discussion about whether to continue with the Saturday activity.

The 6 year old preventing her siblings swimming sounds unfair.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I wouldnt allow the 6 year old to have the say on whether everyone else goes swimming. If she refused she could sit in the viewing gallery and watch while they swam.

[RenterNomad]

He considered tying it in with swimming after dancing but 6 yr old refuses to go swimming despite her siblings wanting to and mum says she must be listened to.

Oh, FFS.

Maybe the 6yo is the only one of the kids who is still, unequivocably "Mummy's", so she's pandering as much as possible.

I can't think of another reason to pander to a 6yo and punish other children.