to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

[flummoxedbanana]

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

[saintlyjimjams]

I'd be interested in the questioning that led to her proclaiming she'd rather see him than do the activity.

"Look dd you can either see me or do your activity which do you want?"

How would you expect a child to respond if they haven't seen their father in years? (Do correct me if indeed this man has been a stable and continual presence in his daughter's life).

I'm sorry asides from it not being on to mess around with activities - you either do them or you don't, if her father has just reappeared I think it would be very off to suddenly making her start missing activities just because he's decided to show up for a bit

[ChestnutsroastingintheFireligh]

My dd at age 6 knew she wanted to be professional if she could - some kids just do.

[saintlyjimjams]

Well I was thinking chesnuts that ds2 was doing an activity at 6 that he was doing professionally by 9, so it doesn't have to be far fetched.

I do think it depends very much what the activity is. My younger two both do a range of activities. Some they would (and have) give up easily, others they wouldn't have ever wanted to give up. Eventually over the years you whittle down to doing more of the ones that are important to you, but tbh right from the beginning they've known which they've enjoyed the most and which have been more of having a go.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

How old are all the children?

How recent is the split?

[Trigglesx]

I hate it when the OP is not clear on their relationship in the situation. Seems a bit misguiding IMO. Why couldn't you just post it clearly who you are?

Anyway, while contact is important, sometimes you have to make compromises as well.

The mum could compromise and allow DD to miss one lesson a month as instructor (according to the OP, but then we don't know how accurate this actually is) states it's not a huge issue.

The dad could compromise and allow the DD to go to her activity and just pick her up on Saturday after the activity, in order to provide continuity to DD and reassure her that her wishes are being taken into account as well.

I guess it all depends on which parent is going to start thinking of the child first. It sounds like they're both too busy thinking of themselves and arguing instead of simply trying to compromise and come to an agreement that makes everyone reasonably happy.

[EmmelineGoulden]

I think contact is important, but more than that stability and continuity are crucial. So if the dad has been having weekends for years and the mother signed the daughter up recently despite this, then I think the activity needs to be dropped or changed. But if the father hasn't been on the scene much, or hasn't bothered with weekends up until now, then the activity should come first and the father should work around it, at least for a couple of years or until there is a natural break.

TBH it sounds a bit as though the dad wants to be a Disney dad once a month (wearing the kids out on a Saturday with all sorts of exciting things that apparently can't possibly be done on a Sunday because they would be too much before school ). I tend to think doing the drudge work of accomodating activities and friendships is quality parenting, if not the glamorous bit of it, and parents should be striving to accomodate their children's interests, not compete with them. But others have different styles, so that's not necessarily U if it is part of giving them a rich childhood rather than simply indulging.

At the same time, four hours of travel (especially if it involves schlepping other kids about too) is a lot for an activity at age 6. So I can see why it's a big issue. But the father could be a bit more resourceful - the girl's mother manages to get a relative to do the drop off and pick up - hasn't the father been developing his network so he has others he can rely on/ask for favours from too? This is an important part of providing for DCs. Parents who don't have a child-friendly/-helpful network are often doing their kids a disservice. What about paying a college student to take her while dad has quality time with other DCs then picking her up and driving on to an activity?

[CranberrySaucyJack]

I think the father is being unreasonable. I firmly believe that NRPs should take as much responsibility as the RP when it comes to facilitating the child's normal family life, and own individual interests and needs.

It isn't about the father, or what he wants, or how much of a great time he can have with the kids.

This is quite an interesting article on the damage caused by Disney dads who refuse to take any real interest or responsibility in their child's upbringing beyond turning up and playing Daddy of the Year when it suits them or spoiling the child rotten on access visits.

[RenterNomad]

I'm sorry, but HOW can weeknight activities for a six year old start at 6/6:30?!

[SlowlorisIncognito]

I am in my early twenties now, and still do an activity I started when I was 9. I have never done it professionally as such, although I have gained some part-time/holiday jobs through the activity. However, more importantly it helped me through stressful periods as a teenager and was a great way to relax when I was studying very hard.

I haven't kept it up continuously all that time, as I gave it up for a while to get a weekend job. However, I would say I still use some of the skills I learnt as a child, and doing the activity from an early age means I have a more instinctive feel for it than someone who has taken it up as an adult.

I do think at six, her saying she wants to do it professionally doesn't hold that much weight, but equally you shouldn't give her the feeling you won't support her to achieve her dreams. There are often lots of ways to make money out of leisure activities, not all of which mean you have to be especially tallented.

I think it should be her choice, what she wants to do more, see her dad for a bit longer, or do the activity. I think both parents should also make it clear that she can change her answer at any time.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Beaver scouts starts at 7pm for my ds and he started age 6. Football was also at 6pm on wednesday evenings and started at age 6. He also attends a drama club that starts at 7pm 1/2 nights a week. Closer to the performance rehersals will be more often and also at weekends and i'm insisting my exp take him to them. Failing that ds will just be staying here those weekends because he is very much looking forward to being in the show.

[RenterNomad]

Thanks, moldingsunbeams; I stand corrected, but still think that's very late for a 6yo on a weeknight.

[antimatter]

he should drop her for activity on Saturday. BEing together in the car and talking part is a chance to talk about it etc.

Soon she may have most of Saturday busy if she chooses so. Then perhaps he would be seeing her every other weekend for Saturday not only one in 4 or 5.

[jigsawlady]

The kid is 6 so it's not like a teenager who should have more independence to make their own decisions. Dad, assuming he doesn't want to do anything dangerous he should be free to decide what to do during their time together. If he sees family time more important than activities when he's with her thats his choice as her parent.

I think if this was the dad telling the mum what to do during her contact time people would say it non of his business and very controlling.

I know people may say it's about the child's wishes but she's not starved of extra curricular activities and he's planning to have a nice family day instead not something horrible.

[saintlyjimjams]

Except dad's so keen on family time he's been absent for years. Allegedly.

[HorsePetal]

I think that contact with Dad is way more important than an extra curricular activity. In fact I can't believe this would even be in dispute. If it could be worked around without having to drag other siblings along too (when Dad's contact time is so limited anyway) then great but I don't think that the mum is being reasonable here at all.

The child is 6 for gods sake - maintaining a loving relationship with her dad is incredibly important.

Or are we saying that Ballet/Swimming/Mandarin lessons etc come before fathers?

[jigsawlady]

Yeah if he's been absent (not been on mn long enough to know about this other thread thread people have mentioned) then dad has to earn his way back into the kids life sticking with the routine the mum has put in place. However once he's been given a chance if he proves he is a reliable parent he should be able to parent the way he sees fit (within reason) on his own time with them.

[saintlyjimjams]

Well I'd put good parenting as taking children to activities (or not signing them up for them if you can't be bothered to take them - missing weeks is problematic for the child for the majority of activities).

If, as seems to be accepted on this thread this father has been absent for years, then swanning back in & altering the established routine doesn't seem particularly super dad parenting (albeit it might be Disney Dad). If he was around at the time the activity was arranged then he should have made his objections clear then - not once it's been established.

[Timetoask]

It doesn't matter what the history is. Dad now has contact with his DC and that's fantastic.
Mother is being unreasonable. The child is 6!!! I would understand if child was 16 competing at regional level or whatever.
Mother is doing the child is disservice by not allowing her uninterrupted time with dad to develop their relationship.