Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

236 replies

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 20:56

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 18/12/2013 23:52

Saintly when she was signed up it was local to both of them and dad didn't mind taking her as it was only an hour out of their day. Ex moved and now it takes them past lunchtime, a lot of travelling for other kids, expensive fuel, lack of quality time etc for dc to be able to do the activity so now he objects

OP posts:

MeMySonAndI · 18/12/2013 23:59

I would agree with you if we were talking of a single household where both parents saw the children everyday.

But, when we are talking about the changes being required due to change to circumstances, where there are two households, long distances and dad only sees the children for a very limited time once a week, it is simply not fair to use the same rule.

I have seen a good few legal battles over extracurricular activities, the benefits provided by the activity in most cases do not compensate the immense emotional damage caused by the constant arguments between the parents over the activities.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:07

When mum has all four kids (plus their half sibling) gran takes the 6 year old to the weekend activity,

When dad has all four kids, he has to take the other three to watch the weekend activity.

Which is unfair on the other three kids.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:11

Why cant the dad collect the girl from the activity and begin contact at that point (her mother having dropped her off) and keep her til monday at school drop off?

And why must all the children come with him? Couldnt tjose that want to, stay with his partner who could do something with them or not as she chooses?

Also, visiting family can be done on the sunday.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:20

Partner sometimes works at the weekends.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:24

Ok so sometimes the dcs will all have to go and dad will spend 30 seconds coming up with something to do with them all while dd is at activity. No hardship. Seriously, this is once a m

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:25

Onth and only sometimes will he have to bring other dcs? Bit of imagination and he could make it a family outing. Positive mental attitude and all that.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:31

Makes more sense for partner to take DC to activity then and dad to have more contact time with other three DC.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:36

Thats an option! Except when she's working.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:37

I dunno, I think if the post was:

DH and I have four DCs. DH takes DD to dance every Saturday but once a month he has to work. Dance teacher says it's ok to miss one class a month. AIBU to get DD to miss it or should I take all the kids along?

Then it'd mostly be votes for missing the class.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:39

...especially if the class was an hour's drive each way.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:41

Well i'm from the 'you either do it or you dont' school of thought and think you shouldnt sign your child up for something knowing they'll miss every 4th class. And even in your scenario, its not even a case of not being able to take her, its a case of not wanting to because you'd have to amuse your other dcs.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:43

Yeah, it can be done, but is it fair on the other kids to drive for an hour, sit about for 45 mins (or however long) and drive for another hour?

There'd be no question if it was one DC but if feels unfair on the four.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:59

I think once a month (or less often depending on partners work) then it's fine for the other 3 to tag along. As i said the dad can have a think about what he can do to entertain them for 45 mins or however long. Go for ice cream/cake, kick a ball about, feed ducks, walk in the woods, softplay, museum, library. There is so much he could do with them to pass that time.

When ds1 did football ds2 was 2/3 years old and we would blow bubbles, look for birds, kick a small ball away from the playing field. When it was wet we read in the car, coloured in, turned the radio up and wailed some songs, breathed on the windows and drew funny faces in the condensation. Even now there have been quite a few weeks where we havent been able to use the baby pool while ds1 has a lesson so we do activity books, take a walk, play games on my phone, practise songs for nativity.

moldingsunbeams · 19/12/2013 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 01:27

Having just worked it out, ds' football was on a wednesday evening and saturday morning. He spent EOW with his dad so i was responsible for getting him to 3 out of 4 sessions, which i did. His dad, despite promising, didnt ever take him to the saturday session on his weekend so ds was missing every 4th session and as a result didnt get chosen for any matches and missed a lot of the letters and information given out at the sessions. I made sure coaches had my number for the text service and i joined their FB page and urged exp to so he knew the fixtures aswell but he was still not taking him so ds was missing out massively and would often break down in tears when he got home from school on mondays because some of his classmates had been full of conversation about their matches and who scored what etc, never mind the questions of 'why werent you there?' It was awful to know he was being set up for that disappointment every fortnight so i talked him into giving it up. I had even offered to come and collect him from exps and take him to football but exp said no he would take him then never did.

Isetan · 19/12/2013 04:00

I don't know about the other threads that some have suggested but from your postings it sounds like you aren't a friend of the mother at all and you definitely think that the father is being more than reasonable (on the verge of sainthood). Not sure why you posted tbh.

In my opinion it sounds like the dad wants the fun part and none of the drudge, his reasoning that Saturday is the only day that visiting family etc can take place is ridiculous. His daughter participated in an activity that inconveniences him and that is his primary objection. Oh and WTF! flummoxedbanana Wed 18-Dec-13 09:34:26
"He offered that mum collect dc, take her to activity and return her but mum claimed that isn't fair on the dc shes had since they split'. Wow very big of him, volunteering that the parent who already does the lions share of the parenting take on some of his part-time parenting duties.

I think you have misrepresented yourself and the situation, which is pointless and begs the question, why?

antimatter · 19/12/2013 06:28

where nothing is dictated by their mum and he can have some input and time with them

somehow him dictating what is to happen on that one Saturday a month is acceptable

you are saying that dc would miss 8 sessions a year so all this sisagreement is about 3x8=24 hours of direct contact a year!

why can't he see it that way and carry on as before?

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 06:41

If it's the ex that moved why is it no longer near him? Does that mean she already did the activity near him and this set up is new?

Anyway I'm also of the do it or don't bother school of thought. It's really unfair on the child to miss every 4th lesson. If he doesn't want to take her once a month then it should be cancelled (although for many activities some notice is required so he may have to pay for that or take her during the notice period). I'm not quite understanding why family visits can't be on Sundays, or why it can't be juggled so everyone's happy - especially if the partner is sometimes not working so there'll only be some weeks where everyone has to go- but I'm clearly missing something in the level of difficulty here. But then we sometime have to drive ds1 for over an hour on a Saturday to get a burger while juggling ds2 & ds3's activities. If I had to take other kids with me for a short class I'd whisk them off to a cafe then go on somewhere after the class. If the class was a long one (ds2 does over 5 hours on an activity on Saturday) then I'd drop the child & head back later.

Ime the number of activities increases as the kids get older so this situation may well arise with any of the kids again in the future. Especially because a lot of activities take place on Saturdays. If he's not willing to do drop offs etc because they're an hour away then that needs to be clear before any children are signed up for anything else.

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 06:43

That's very sad sillybilly :(

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 06:48

The doctrine - if a child misses every fourth dance class they won't have anything other than a tiny bit in the show ( however good they are) and they won't do as well as they could in exams, or they'll miss parent showbacks (which ime kids love - whatever the activity). It 's really not fair on the child to miss every 4th class. As I said 12 sessions in a year is the equivalent to missing an entire term for many activities (many of the ones my kids do have 12 week terms).

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 06:57

Yes silly -exactly. Ds3 used to horse ride - when he did I sometimes had to take ds2. If I did we would check out the horses, go for a walk, have a biscuit & a drink & a chat in the on site cafe. It wasn't 't that hard (and was a bit of a drive away). Ds2 also used to have to go along & watch ds3 swimming every week for a while because I was taking ds2 surfing. He used to quite enjoy it, if he didn't I would have told him to take a book. Sometimes ds3 used to ask to come & watch ds2's swimming lesson even though the timing meant he could always stay at home.

We just juggle our way through each week. Some weeks are harder to organise than others - but it's just what you do.

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 06:59

Sorry ds1 was surfing. So ds2 was given the choice 'you can come surfing/to the beach with me and ds1 or you can go & watch ds3 at his swimming lesson'. He invariably chose to watch the swimming lesson.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 07:09

I understand that saintly, but the other three DCs are also missing out on stuff they'd ideally like to do.

Again, if it was only the DD, I think it would be fair enough for her dad to take her but the needs and wants of all the DCs should be balanced and I think the DD herself has said she doesn't mind missing some classes.

NicknameIncomplete · 19/12/2013 07:09

I work most saturday mornings so our weekend doesnt start until lunchtime. Dd & i are still able to do lots of things on the weekend.

I think the dad is just being awkward and lazy.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread