to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

[flummoxedbanana]

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

[HoneyStepMummy]

Visitation takes priority. Prior to DH getting custody of DS he went to court with his ex, who wanted to take away visitation based on an activity. It was denied. That being said, we have always been very keen to work with mum as far as accomodating any activities, hobbies, parties etc as much possible. Is it not possible to do the activity another day?

[saintlyjimjams]

sounds about right moldingsunbeams

What's the deal with the child being 6? DS2 was doing an activity aged 6 that he started doing professionally age 9, he wants to stay in the area and make it his career. He knew at 6 that he loved it. I think taking him away from the activity to play with Disney Dad for as long as dad hangs around would not have been in his interests.

As Dad wasn't there when the activity was set up the fair thing to do would be to suck it up until the time of the activity or contact can be changed.

[ChestnutsroastingintheFireligh]

Same with
My dd. she started an activit at age 4- did her first professional show at 7 & at 11 left her academic school to train full time.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Umm its not a case of the child either seeing her dad OR going to activity. She's not being made to choose, she can got to the activity and still have friday through sunday with him with exception of 1 hour in a saturday morning! Perspective needed here for all those saying 'contact way more important'. it's not either or.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

And the fact that she isnt 16 or at a compettitve level is a bit silly. How can she ever get to a competetive leel if she's having to miss every 4th training session? She may not be a professional dancer (or whatever the activity is) at 6 but you can sure as hell bet she'll never get there is she isnt allowed to attend her training. But i suppose when it gets to that stage and she doesnt make the teams and drops out then her dad will just be able to say 'i told you so' and feel justified in saying she was never going to be a professional.

[saintlyjimjams]

Yes exactly molding - and if the child in question does start doing that sort of thing it does take a lot of juggling from all parents. You can't just sit days out because dad wants contact. Now at 6 I didn't know my son was going to be doing it professionally a few years later (didn't think about it at all tbh), but I knew he loved it & so we made sure he made all the sessions he'd signed up for & encouraged that.

[RenterNomad]

The OP didn't say the father has only just come back into the children's lives; s/he only said that the mother (the OP's friend) had moved away.

[saintlyjimjams]

No, but other posters recognised the OP from previous threads (allegedly she is the fathers new partner). - I have suggested she correct us if the assumption that the father has just reappeared is incorrect or if indeed the other assumptions made about her being this particular poster are incorrect.

[MummySantaHoHoHo]

I dont see how anyone recognises the poster and comes to that conculsion, Idid an advanced search to see what everyone was on about and there is nothing like that, plus thread cossing is bad form.

[saintlyjimjams]

Oh well she hasn't denied it.

If the father has been on the scene continually then he should have objected prior to the activity being set up, not expected his dd to start missing it after it had been established.

[TeacupDrama]

there are 3 other siblings here, why does their saturday morning every single week have to revolve round one child

TBH I would think this was a problem if the parents were still together under 1 roof that never ever on a saturday can you have a day out because 1 child out of 4 has to do activity without fail, that is 3 children sitting around for 3-4 hours while child A does activity fair enough if others also sit around while each child does an activity but this seems to be that child A's activity trumps child b,c,d time with dad and even if he takes her she then moans at him spending time with b,c ,d while she does activity

unless I misread all 4 children have same parents

[coppertop]

Waiting around for a sibling to do activities is just a part of normal life. Over the years, all of mine have had to come along to do drop-offs and pick-ups. It tends to even out eventually as they each want to try out new things.

My ds started an activity at 7yrs old that he still does at the age of 13yrs. It's not something he would ever want to do professionally but it's been extremely useful to him over the years.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I dont think all four children have the same parents, why do the other 3 have to come with? Why cant they stay with OP while her partner takes other child to activity? Why cant OP take other children out somewhere? Why cant other children join activity too or do another one? Why cant dad collect child after activity and keep til monday morning? It is absoloutely ridiculous that the adults involved cant work something out so that this child can continue the activity and see her dad. As parents thats what we do, we juggle things around, re- arrange things, ask for favours from other parents, our own parents, our child's other parents so that our scs can do the things they enjoy.

[saintlyjimjams]

Well later posts suggest that the children are step and half siblings. But who knows.

Agree with coppertop (:waves:) that waiting around and running around is part of having siblings. Anyway if there's two (or three) parents then they can be split.

Our Saturdays consist of ds1 being taken either to respite or an activity with me or for a drive with dh, ds3 being dropped out to his hour long activity either by a parent or grandparent and that person waiting with him (and either with ds2 in tow or he is left at home) then ds2 being taken to his activity. And on Sundays currently ds2 often has an activity that a parent needs to accompany him to so we have to juggle the other two and whatever they have on. It all evens out and they all get to do what they want to do.

[coppertop]

(waves back at Jimjams :o )

[saintlyjimjams]

I always slightly excited and nostalgic when I come across you on a thread coppertop

[Hulababy]

As for parties - well, you'd do what everyone else does. You look at the invite details and decide whether they fit into everyone's plans and if they are available at that time. If it is an important friend, you try to make time for it. And where possible you try to ensure children can go. But if something else is planned, then you have to decline invites. But that is what everyone does with every invite isnt it?

[RenterNomad]

The OP actually said, "The other children are also theirs," indicating full siblings

I think I read the thread people are jumping on, but seem to remember that the father had a new child, not the mother. It could be a "gender switch" AIBU, but again, it might not. Human nature is various, but common themes do exist (sadly, some cases!)

[dozeydoris]

The DM's mother takes the DD to the activity (so OP says somewhere back in the thread). As she is presumably happy doing this the rest of the time surely she could take the DD on Dad's wkend then Dad would only have to collect.

[flummoxedbanana]

Again I repeat, this is not about my partner. The father is question has been constant in the childrens lives, the activity was local until his ex moved.

Dozey, they live an hour apart. The nan taking her would be impossible. It isn't that he wants to drop in and have theme park days out, he wants to be able to visit family which the mum moved the children away from and just generally have a day with the children where nothing is dictated by their mum and he can have some input and time with them. It would be different if his dc was desperate to do the activity as her mum claims she is, but when it came to him taking her she cried and said she'd rather stay with him and her siblings.

[MeMySonAndI]

I went to ballet, swimming, gymnastic, music lessons and the girl guides as a child, none of these activities ever contributed to my life in the way the presence of my dad did.

I'm with the dad, he should also have some freedom to plan his time with his children. It is not fair on the other children either. This activity is compromising the enjoyment of a full day together as a family with their dad.

My child wants a lot of things, but we decide what he can do or not against the wants and needs of the rest of the family. The fact that the parents are not together doesn't mean the child always gets to decide, everybody has a right to be at the front of the queue from time to time.

[saintlyjimjams]

Yes but that decision should have been made before the child was signed up for the activity.

How long has the activity been going on for, why didn't he object at the time, how is the 'activity or be with me' being phrased?

My kids have given up activities (which I would suggest - missing 12 in a year is equivalent to missing a term for most activities - there's no 'only' about it) but for reasons to do with them rather than someone else in the family (either sibling or parents - that gets worked around).