to be outraged and upset by playground politics

[Lottiegal]

I know this is probably a common situation, but it's the first encounter of it for me. I'm pretty friendly with most of the mums at school, my son is in Year 1 and daughter in Reception. Last year many mums got together and went out on a few occasions, I couldn't make a couple of the nights out, and since then I've noticed my son's class has formed into two distinct groups, of which I seemed not to 'belong' I noticed they were a bit distant when I'd try and join in. So I thought I'd break it up a bit by organising a summer BBQ at a local picnic spot in the summer, many mums showed interest so I went ahead and organised it, but then they pulled out at the last minute, leaving me to pay most of the hire fee. It was annoying and a bit embarassing, especially as I saw lots of Facebook updates showing mums going out together over the summer, while I got invited nowhere.
I noticed when we went back in September I was definitely now out of the loop, despite my attempts to be friendly and invite my son's friend's round to play.

Foolishly I thought I would organise a Christmas drinks party at a local pub, again many said it was a good idea and joined the Facebook event. I kept the dates open, and the first date I suggested all said they couldn't do (that was last weekend) so I booked a table for a date those said they could make at the end of November. I had a mixture of mums, mostly ones that weren't in the two main 'groups', then I noticed people pulling out at the last minute again, and it ended up just with four of us, which was ok. I'm just really pee'd off that this weekend just passed, both groups of mums posted lots of pictures of them all going out drinking and dancing and listing all the names of who went and what a fab time they had. To me this is just rude. Then this morning they are all smiles and saying hello to me like I wouldn't care!

None of this should matter, but my son has a group of 5 close friends, all of who's mums are in one group and go out regularly together. Despite my attempts to join in, they just don't want me there. My son keeps saying 'mummy so and so's mummy's went to wherever at the weekend, why couldn't we go' which is sad as I just have to say that we weren't invited. There was even an incident in the playground recently where one of the boys told my ds he wasn't in their group anymore because his mummy said so.

Can't believe I've been embroiled in this, as I swore I'd never be involved in playground politics :0(

YANBU, I feel your pain OP.

I get what other posters are saying about take a step back and don't try so hard to make friends with them all. You don't have to be friends with your children's mothers.

However the stuff about them all meeting up at weekends etc., and excluding your child, is just plain mean. But unfortunately it does happen - some people are bloody mean.

It has happened to us, with my DD being left out of two weekend events recently, one with her best friend, because the mums are friends with some other mums and not with me.

All I can say is, the children will be friends with who they want to be friends with, no matter how much the parents try to manipulate them or "guide" them towards other children they approve of.

So try to remember that, grit your teeth, smile at everyone, and leave them all to it. They will implode with their own politics in a few years anyway.

Step away from the scary mums. Do not get involved. Do not keep trying. If you meet one or two nice mums over the year you will be fine.

I have discovered yesterday that I am the subject of pick up gossip although I don't even know the people who were talking about me. I think it involves vouchers for a teacher present that I didn't join in with and maybe something to do with my son's drawing on the nativity programme. I'm not sure and I couldn't quite hear - the women didn't know it was my son they were talking about. He is in P1. I don't give a shiney shit. I am too old for this sort of stuff.

This cliquey crap happened at the baby group we attended and I ended up with a really nice Polish friend - as I was too old and not subservient enough for the leader of the clique and my friend was too eastern european. We are still friends.

OhMerGerd , I have had that conversation about "good friends" with my DDs many times too. OP you sound like a kind soul, and this lot of mums sound quite the opposite. When my dds were at primary school there was a lot of this sort of political nastiness going on. I'm pleased to report that now they are at secondary school, it is much better. They have learned how to be a good friend to someone, understand that not everyone wants to be your friend and that we all have colleagues and acquaintances in life as well as true friends. Neither are in "popular" groups, both have a few good friends. Both are happy. Sorry if this sounds like a bit of a stealth boast - of course they still have arguments are not perfect etc...... but they are now free to deal with these themselves without the interference of the chatting playground mafia mums! Take heart OP - it gets better.

I mentioned before sadly there is no PTA at my school. I have taken a distanced approach this week which has actually made me feel better and I've altered my Facebook so I only receive and send notifications from my close friends which makes me feel better as I'm not being constantly bombarded by what they have been doing together. After I'd done this and some of the mum's weren't receiving my updates anymore, it was interesting that one of the mum's (who's son is my son't best friend) husbands sent me a friend invite which I thought odd. Wasn't sure why he would do that as I don't really know him!

I'm in two minds about this whole issue. On the one hand, there are some unpleasant people out there, who feel good about being part of and "in crowd" and deliberately exclude people.

On the other hand, a school isn't really a group of any sort - it's just people thrown together because their children are the same age. It's not like it's a group of people who have actively sought one another out because of a shared hobby or similar.

We have a 60-intake in DS1's reception class. I have no idea who the vast majority of the parents are, not helped by the fact I only do one drop off and pick up a week, because of work. There is, however, a smallish group of other mums who I get on well with. We drifted together naturally because 3 of us share a specific interest, and the other few all have links of one sort or another with one or more of the three of us. We have been on a couple of nights out, and we've actively discussed whether that is okay, or whether we ought to be inviting a bigger group of people along. The problem is that we don't know everyone in the year, and we want to go out for a few drinks and a chat with friends, not to a massive, hard-to-organise social event for up to 60 people.

Maybe that makes us a clique. We're not rude to people, and we're not deliberately excluding people. We're just friends who want to go out and have a nice time occasionally, without it becoming a massive performance. There aren't many other social situations where you would be expected to artificially expand a friendship group.

I haven't really chatted much to anyone else since I became friends with this group, simply because I only do that one school run day, so I generally have something I want to talk to one of them about, and there's only ten minutes or so at drop off and pick up.

Having said that, if someone was making an obvious effort, I would try to reciprocate. I would have tried to go to one of the OP's events. But if they were on weekends, I'd be reluctant, because we get so little time together as a family, because of work, that I wouldn't necessarily be keen to sacrifice some of that to socialise with someone I hadn't got to know very well. If I'd chatted to the OP over time, and I liked her, I'd be more inclined to do so, obviously.

I think these things happen naturally if they're going to happen. Rather than trying to arrange big events, which are always difficult, I'd just be inclined to chat to different people, maybe suggest an ad hoc coffee one day, perhaps a soft play trip or trip to the park. That's pretty much how my group or clique, or whatever you want to call it, came together.

yes Kungfupanda, I did chat in small groups to start off with and we did have some shared interests and all of our kids gravitated together. It was only since the nights out I missed it went awry. After that in September all the mums in this group went on holiday together and didn't ask me. It's been since then I was left out

It just feels a bit awkward when you think you have made some friends and then they suddenly disassociate you. I think I'm just unlucky and perhaps they just aren't nice people and came across as nice to begin with.

Then I'd just write that group off - for whatever reason, it hasn't worked out. Maybe they're unpleasant, in which case you don't want to be part of their friendship group, or maybe they haven't clicked with you, and aren't making an effort for that reason.

There must be other people you can chat to, in the two year-groups. Just try approaching some other people who aren't part of that group. Some people came to your event, so clearly you're not a social pariah!

Sorry, meant to say that 4 isn't a bad turn-out. People drop like flies whenever anything is organised. Even in our smallish group, we find it difficult to get everyone together. 4 would be about normal.

Lottie, glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better this week. Keep sticking with polite interest and friendly indifference - they don't need to know how you are feeling inside.

I have moved around lots in my life, and have had to 'make new friends' several times over, as have my children. If you don't force it, it will happen - I am probably the polar opposite to you in that I come across as very aloof (apparently), and I rarely do the school run so I haven't a clue who the mums are, but I always smile and say hello and waffle a bit of shite where appropriate.

Friendships evolve, and it is almost impossible to break into an established clique - just keep quietly chipping away at the stragglers and over time, it will happen!

With regard to friends coming over to play, I always used to ask if they wanted to come for the afternoon and stay for tea (child only, no parent), then at pick-up you have a coffee together - that's another good slow burn friendship maker as there's no pressure.

In this social media/e-mail world, it's a real minefield. One mum took the hump with me - she thought I was being off with her because I started an e-mail with Dear, rather than Hi. Your DS will sort out his own friends in time, and you won't have to worry about people in the playground.

Well I've been feeling much happier this past week distancing myself from the whole thing. Just wanted to ask your opinion on this though, since I've been keeping a polite distance the mum I mentioned has texted me saying 'haven't seen you for ages, must catch up soon' Tbh I can't be bothered with her anymore, but am not sure how to play the situation without it looking like a direct snub.