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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be outraged and upset by playground politics

112 replies

Lottiegal · 17/12/2013 09:43

I know this is probably a common situation, but it's the first encounter of it for me. I'm pretty friendly with most of the mums at school, my son is in Year 1 and daughter in Reception. Last year many mums got together and went out on a few occasions, I couldn't make a couple of the nights out, and since then I've noticed my son's class has formed into two distinct groups, of which I seemed not to 'belong' I noticed they were a bit distant when I'd try and join in. So I thought I'd break it up a bit by organising a summer BBQ at a local picnic spot in the summer, many mums showed interest so I went ahead and organised it, but then they pulled out at the last minute, leaving me to pay most of the hire fee. It was annoying and a bit embarassing, especially as I saw lots of Facebook updates showing mums going out together over the summer, while I got invited nowhere.
I noticed when we went back in September I was definitely now out of the loop, despite my attempts to be friendly and invite my son's friend's round to play.

Foolishly I thought I would organise a Christmas drinks party at a local pub, again many said it was a good idea and joined the Facebook event. I kept the dates open, and the first date I suggested all said they couldn't do (that was last weekend) so I booked a table for a date those said they could make at the end of November. I had a mixture of mums, mostly ones that weren't in the two main 'groups', then I noticed people pulling out at the last minute again, and it ended up just with four of us, which was ok. I'm just really pee'd off that this weekend just passed, both groups of mums posted lots of pictures of them all going out drinking and dancing and listing all the names of who went and what a fab time they had. To me this is just rude. Then this morning they are all smiles and saying hello to me like I wouldn't care!

None of this should matter, but my son has a group of 5 close friends, all of who's mums are in one group and go out regularly together. Despite my attempts to join in, they just don't want me there. My son keeps saying 'mummy so and so's mummy's went to wherever at the weekend, why couldn't we go' which is sad as I just have to say that we weren't invited. There was even an incident in the playground recently where one of the boys told my ds he wasn't in their group anymore because his mummy said so.

Can't believe I've been embroiled in this, as I swore I'd never be involved in playground politics :0(

OP posts:
Tapiocapearl · 17/12/2013 20:24

I think the best plan of action is to gravitate towards other mums on their own. Forget the year group. Trying to break into a clique is pointless.

DoJo · 17/12/2013 20:33

I always wonder when people talk about 'cliques' whether they just mean an established group of friends who all get along well together and don't really want to expand their group to a level which makes it unmanageable? I have a group of friends that I met at a baby group, and we started going to each other's houses and meeting up in between. There are about ten of us, plus kids and there really wasn't room for anyone else to start joining us - we already relied on a few people not being able to make it to any event which actually involved being in someone's house. We also now have a shared history and know a certain amount about each others' lives and families, so we probably have conversations which don't seem welcoming to anyone else. We also see each other much less frequently now, as most are back at work, so when we do get together we have to fit all our catching up around marshalling the children, which doesn't really leave much room for small talk with other mums.
I think that this could be seen as cliquey behaviour, but in reality is just an established group of friends who have a group dynamic which includes the normal conversational short-hands and in-jokes etc. I do wonder when I read these threads if that is just what someone is seeing, but to someone who wants to 'join' in, it looks a lot more calculated and deliberate.
I should add that I have never really been one to 'fit in' easily - I was always on the outside at school and was on the receiving end of some pretty spiteful behaviour at times, so I can categorically state that nothing I or any of my friends do is intended to exclude anyone, it's just that we don't necessarily make an effort to include anyone else either because we have all our attention focussed elsewhere.

CaptainHindsight · 17/12/2013 20:50

But you wouldn't encourage your child not to play with a certain friend because his mother wasnt in with you would you DoJo?

I'd be royally pissed off too OP, it's not on involving DC like that.

poopadoop · 17/12/2013 21:13

I think some of you are being unkind, the OP is new to an area and it is true that sometimes friendships are formed through school, so for those who drop and run maybe you aren't new to your area or work or have other friends?

If it is clear that there is socialising going on through school, what's the big deal in her wanting to be part of it? Maybe she didn't read the situation clearly as in there was an existing friendship group and they found it a bit odd that she tried to organise nights out.

wheneverIhear · 17/12/2013 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheneverIhear · 17/12/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

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3asAbird · 17/12/2013 21:25

Feel for you op similar thing happened to me.

dd1 went to preschool next to primary and 22 went onto the primary which thourght be nice as knew some parents to say hi to. There was couple nice ones but 2classes and one i liked was in other class so dident get speak to her much.

There was just 2mums who reguarly spoke to me 1 wasent keen on and everyone tried to avpoid her she was fine in small doses but always so negative other lady was lovely.

I made effort to try make some freinds with new people met 1 and we became good mates but our kids couldent stand each other which made meeting up stressful

There was 1 mum I vauguely knew as her son went to dds nursery she wored in school rception and arranged a couple reception mums socials but i had small baby and hubby who worked long hours so dident make it to any.

I did try and make conversations in playground.

Then in year 1 the classes changed compsition so again ohers were waiting outside differnt class and all that group seemed to form a clqiue which included another mum who practically lives same rd as me we walked school same way dd1 would say hi and she never said hi to me was really awquard and she had been in dds preschool so basically known me for 2years.

Then dd3 was born so once again in playground with smal baby and tantrumming toddler and felt lot more isolated in year 1 like billy no mates. There was another mums whos baby was 4weeks older than mine went round hers for coffee, chatted to her at toddler group.
she then had massive party and invited most of mums from dd1s year apart from me and overbearing mums.
said freind became close to her and asked why and she said she dident know me very wel then had to face all the fb pics ad tags so then immediatly deleted her.

The rest of mums in dd1s seemed to pair off into best buddies.
then there was the clique.
then the outsiders which was me, anoying negative mum, another lady who i liked but he used to turn up late to avoid the mums, single parent mum as few single parents in the year, porn star mum people were ghastly to her real shame as she was nice and her outfits were entertaining as was heads face when she turned up.

The clique constantly arranged days out with their dds thankfully my dd was oblivious to it all. said mate woud say how lovely they were but also they used to be really awful over teachers collections and bitch behind peoples backs its made me quite miserable.

I did join pta but they had no social events and many of the parents were juniors so rarly saw them in playground.

I went back in year 2 ter 1 tried to be positive but no change dd was struggling so we moved schools which thought be really hard.

But each class had parent rep.
the school was small.
knew 2parents from sw group.
everyone was freindly and all diffrent groups mixed.
The pta bee freindly
alpha mums been nice always stop for chat.
There was one group of 3mums who initailly dident speak but made effort talk to them they now speak to me.

Lsst yera was mixed year 1/2class so know all the mums from year bebelow dds year but now shes year 3 know all the mums from year 3 and as its infant plaground all the new reception mums been very chatty and welcoming too.

Its like i become new confident persons.
dds had few birthday invites and gone back peoples houses for tea need to have more people over soon.

I havent made any freinds and havent really socialised with the much outside of school other than schools events and went running with few of them once. But feel less lonly and hopefully in time might make some connections espcially with dd2 and dd3 when they start.

I do think some years worse than others.

im sahm with 3 and its hard to make new freinds as adult.

most mus here meet at antenatal nct and ates ever since or meet through schools.

I do have other freinds but they live a distance and dont have kids.

keep trying focus on reception and 4mums you went out with,

be polite, confident but aloof.

maybe throw the best kids party ever

it does sound like one mum has a problem and the rest follow like sheep.

hope it improves for you.

Bumblequeen · 17/12/2013 21:29

Sorry you and your dc have been 'dropped'. Maybe you can take up a hobby and encourage ds to play with other children.

My dd started reception in September. I am not pally with any of the mothers. I smile, nod and say hello to a few.

There are definitely cliques and several mothers who regularly discuss meeting up in the evenings/weekends. I assume they knew one another before the school term. Naturally their dcs are close and they tend to stick together in the classroom according to dd.

My dd has enough friends at school despite me not being friends with any of the mothers.

BlackBorderBin · 17/12/2013 21:33

I've seen it through two kids, two schools - out of that there's one unpleasant year clique.

The school knows and are not happy about it. The group stir up mountains out of molehills and see how some really lovely kids are ignored in favour of those from the old local families.

If it's a small cornish town don't bother with the locals, their old school and genetic ties will always overwhelm the situation.

Bumblequeen · 17/12/2013 21:47

I heard of playdates on joining MN. I find it strange that parents engineer their dcs friendships.

As a child my dm had no involvement in my friendships. She worked ft. I had a childminder.

Lottiegal · 17/12/2013 22:43

Hi yes the 4 mums I went out with were very nice, but there are issues. One mum has chatted quite a bit with me, but she's now moving away and our ds always fight when we are together so is a bit stressful! Another has a long term illness that makes it very difficult for her to do the school run or any other activities outside of school, which I feel for her, her son also has Sensory Processing Disorder and she's thinking of taking him out of school for home schooling. Another mum is Polish and doesn't speak very good English, but I'm fine with that being half Finnish, but she tend to travel back to Poland during the school holidays so we can't meet up then and she has girls and my son would prefer to play with boys at this age. The other mum is part of one of the groups and also has a girl, she went out with the other mums so I feel a little awkward around her now. Not to say I can't talk to any of these mums but of the 4 the Polish lady is probably the only one I can see being a potential friend

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 17/12/2013 22:46

It's apparent how awful it's all made you feel, but I have to agree with others that you are overthinking and trying too hard.

Mine have been to 3 different primaries due to moving around and in each one I have never overly bothered with the other mums. I don't normally do the school runs because I work, but on the occasions I have, I've smiled and said hello and that's it. I have had friendly acquaintances build up, due to kids parties etc and then it naturally follows to friendship with the ones you click with.

The biggest turn off for me is someone who seems to over organise or make friendships happen. I tend to steer clear if that happens.

You have made friends now with the 4 ladies who went out for a drink, focus on them and remain politely indifferent with the others, they are not important and not worth your upset.

Most importantly, don't allow your self worth to be determined by people who mean nothing to you in the grand scheme of things - you're worth more than that.

Lottiegal · 17/12/2013 22:46

Bumble queen yes my kids have hobbies, swimming, ballet and rugby, but strangely not of my kids seem to have made mates in any of those classes

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 17/12/2013 22:51

Sorry, x post.

Do you have other friends out with the school thing? Most people I am friends with are nothing to do with my children. I think you're over thinking the whole 'have to be friends with other mums' thing tbh.

Treat the school run for what it is - idle gossip for 5 mins whilst you wait for your children, nothing more.

MerryMarigold · 18/12/2013 08:53

Lottie, I think you are just victim to an unfortunate year group. Smile at everyone and let it lie. Is there a PTA? Some PTA's can be full of PITA's (ours used to be more like that!), but it's now really nice. It's a good way to be friendly with other mums and with kids in different year groups. I know you are doing this a lot in order for your son to socialise with school friends in the holidays, but I wouldn't sweat it. We live round the corner from a lot of my kids' friends but we didn't see anyone in the hols, it was far too busy either doing stuff (seeing grandparents, catching up with out of school friends/ people who have moved away, day trips) or chilling out! I think they need a bit of a break from each other, maybe a playdate in the last week to gear them back up for school, but you don't need to be going on picnics once a week. If you have moved then I assume you have a few friends from where you were before. Why not use the hols to keep up with them?

MummyPig24 · 18/12/2013 09:27

There's definitely a "group" of mums from ds yr 1 class. I'm not in the "group", but then ds isn't really friends with their children so I'm not really bothered. Everyone is friendly but they all get together a lot and have each other's children over to play.

There doesn't seem to be much of a "group" in dds nursery class but we will see what emerges, there's a lot of little girls in the class who dd plays with so we will probably be invited to more things but as I have a boisterous 6yr old it won't always be the best scenario for both children.

I try and stay well out of playground politics!

HelloBoys · 18/12/2013 09:28

Givemeaclue and Dancergirl have 2 very valid points imo.

You are missing out on friendships with the ones who DID bother to turn up and who you may have more in common with than the other women.

and yes, it's not a social group!

My mum (because she was too busy being a student mum then teacher and also a single mum) mostly ever dropped my brother and I off at school gates and ran. She took us to parties, and engaged in small talk with other mothers but generally because she was busier otherwise (organising a Neighbourhood Watch Scheme before it was properly organised, organising a Drama Club at weekends, Busy Bee club when we were toddlers etc) and tended to do small talk with some mothers (friends of mine).

also to be honest with my mum some of the other mothers had a lot of dramalama which she really didn't want to get tied up in (being on her 2nd divorce, 3rd relationship can't say I blame her) and my mum has always had her own clique of friends and a lot of them!

HelloBoys · 18/12/2013 09:31

Lottie - just wanted to point out - re the ballet swimming etc classes and no mums being friends there.

when I was in various groups (like horseriding, swimming, gym class etc outside of school) it was a drop-off for the other mums barely even saw the other mums. and also I didn't make friends with the kids in these classes or not much IIRC. Some parents are very much the Tiger Mom type with these classes where the kid is there to be a top class swimmer and not make friends.

wheneverIhear · 19/12/2013 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

montysma1 · 19/12/2013 09:31

I don't understand this upset. I drop off, I leave. Probably without so much as a hello. Wouldnt recognise I school mum away from school if I fell over them. Don't need or want friends at the school. I have friends. Just don't get this at all. Why do you care? Hate to say this, but its all so female. Bet a bunch of Dads dropping off wouldn't have all this palaver.

Prawntoast · 19/12/2013 09:45

Console yourself with the thought that it is only a few years until the DC's are at senior school and you won't have the school gate shit to deal with!

Dancergirl · 19/12/2013 09:47

Bet a bunch of Dads dropping off wouldn't have all this palaver

Isn't that the truth! We haven't actually come very far have we?

Bowlersarm · 19/12/2013 10:15

montysma it may have been of no interest to you to make new friends via your school but that's not the case for everyone.

We moved areas where we didn't know anyone, when the DC were about the same age as the OPs. Our social life is hugely important to DH and I, and schools are the main way of meeting new friends when you relocate. I would have been devastated to be in the shoes of the OP and finding mums blanking me. Happy to say that wasn't the case for us, and we have a large social circle of like minded and hopefully life long friends made this way. I would say 90% of our social life is via parents we met through the school (10 years in and very firm friendships made).

So I absolutely see why the OP would like a bit of a social life with other mums.

Because it was so important to us, and it worked, I made sure I put effort in making friendly advances to newcomers or people who seemed left out a bit.

Keep trying, OP.

OhMerGerd · 19/12/2013 10:28

Urghhh I hated this sort of thing too. We moved into a close knit village community where DD were in classes where 10 generations had attended the village school and various village stalwarts worked there and had children or relatives attending. Most of the mums were SAHMs while I am a sometimes working away from home mum. I probably only dropped or picked up my DDs a tenth ( if that ) of their entire school days. I did join the PTA though which was a torture but in those few meetings and the odd event I managed to get more insider info about school, teachers, parents and the politics than if I'd been outside morning noon and night. And tbh that's all I was interested in. Making sure my DDs had a good experience of school and I made s

OhMerGerd · 19/12/2013 10:32

Post too soon. I made some more than nodding aquaintances to sit next to at school plays.

My DDs maybe would have had more party invites etc if we'd have been part of the cliques but we talked about what makes a good friend and about shallow people etc( not during a friendship crisis but during the general course if events).

When you stop trying so hard they wil start wondering what you d found that's better and then start inviting you. Don't be too ready to jump in and don't organise anything again. They had their chance to benefit from your kindnesses