to be outraged and upset by playground politics

[Lottiegal]

I know this is probably a common situation, but it's the first encounter of it for me. I'm pretty friendly with most of the mums at school, my son is in Year 1 and daughter in Reception. Last year many mums got together and went out on a few occasions, I couldn't make a couple of the nights out, and since then I've noticed my son's class has formed into two distinct groups, of which I seemed not to 'belong' I noticed they were a bit distant when I'd try and join in. So I thought I'd break it up a bit by organising a summer BBQ at a local picnic spot in the summer, many mums showed interest so I went ahead and organised it, but then they pulled out at the last minute, leaving me to pay most of the hire fee. It was annoying and a bit embarassing, especially as I saw lots of Facebook updates showing mums going out together over the summer, while I got invited nowhere.
I noticed when we went back in September I was definitely now out of the loop, despite my attempts to be friendly and invite my son's friend's round to play.

Foolishly I thought I would organise a Christmas drinks party at a local pub, again many said it was a good idea and joined the Facebook event. I kept the dates open, and the first date I suggested all said they couldn't do (that was last weekend) so I booked a table for a date those said they could make at the end of November. I had a mixture of mums, mostly ones that weren't in the two main 'groups', then I noticed people pulling out at the last minute again, and it ended up just with four of us, which was ok. I'm just really pee'd off that this weekend just passed, both groups of mums posted lots of pictures of them all going out drinking and dancing and listing all the names of who went and what a fab time they had. To me this is just rude. Then this morning they are all smiles and saying hello to me like I wouldn't care!

None of this should matter, but my son has a group of 5 close friends, all of who's mums are in one group and go out regularly together. Despite my attempts to join in, they just don't want me there. My son keeps saying 'mummy so and so's mummy's went to wherever at the weekend, why couldn't we go' which is sad as I just have to say that we weren't invited. There was even an incident in the playground recently where one of the boys told my ds he wasn't in their group anymore because his mummy said so.

Can't believe I've been embroiled in this, as I swore I'd never be involved in playground politics :0(

I know this sounds harsh and you won't like it but people are like this and women are known for being notoriously bitchy and 2 faced.

I only now have about 10 close friends (see some separately) and 4 I see (included in those 10) on a regular basis and together.

Anyone who's upset me a lot or offended me a lot (by email/FB etc) I generally cut ties with. they have no need of me in their lives and vice versa.

these women are not nice. sorry it's upsetting your DS but that's life. he can still invite them to events and out just don't expect anything in return. and be courteous and gracious if something does come back in return.

My DS joined the Reception form at a well known independent school recently. This school is very well known and difficult to get into given the long waiting lists and a very stringent entry test.

Nearly all the children in his form had also attended nursery in the same school. The mums knew each other well and came from established families in the adjoining town and villages.

All this, combined with the fact that I am a foreigner, new to this area and not exactly an upper middle class person (wrong car, look different, don't adhere to the acceptable dress code and hairstyle, no expensive coats and shoes etc.).

This made me miserable during the first couple of months of school run. I did not fit in, felt excluded during the school's social events and stood in a corner in the playground.

However, I followed the advice on MN. I held my head high, practised a self assured stance and smile, said hello to everyone around me, made an effort at small talk, accepted all birthday invites and held a class birthday party for my DS. However, I did not make any extra effort of inviting for play dates, coffee, meet ups etc. because I did not know anyone well enough and did not feel confident.

Soon enough, without even noticing, I have slowly started feeling accepted. Most mums seem friendlier, I got invited to dinners, my son is getting invites for play dates etc.

So, my advice would be to act confident and pleasant, don't try to plan any more outings at the moment and give things a little more time. Soon enough, the mums might warm up to you or your DS will have forged his own friendships. The dynamics will change!

In the meanwhile, try to make more friends outside of school. It will add to your well being and confidence and keep the petty school run politics at bay.

That does sound horrible. We have one mum who does most of the organising in our year and she's lovely, I'm not sure how it would work if someone else started organising stuff. I would also never do it if there was any risk at all I was going to be out of pocket!!

Fair enough, I will grow a thicker skin. I do know if I distance myself they will notice I'm not trying anymore and it may get worse, as some of they mums aren't very nice. One of the mums who did come along to our night out had over heard another mum saying 'I'm not going, I've got a better offer, being my ex-boss's retirement do'!!

I know it's an issue with them though as a couple of the mums questioned me a lot after I went out for the Christmas drinks like, 'how many people went in the end- did you have to cancel the table? 'did you get really drunk' 'was it 'fun?' 'did you go on somewhere'...etc like if they were going to justify it to themselves as being not worth going iykwim

Oh it's a bloody minefield on the playground. My son has just moved schools in Y1 so I have had experience of two different schools and from that I think some schools and class's are just better at being social than others. The old school had no real organisation for parents but the new one has a mum who is a class rep and said rep is in charge of organising social events that everyone is invited to. This seems to work very well as opposed to the other school where everyone had to muddle through trying to find a kindred spirit with other 180 parents from their child's year.

Also, my mother has remained friends and socially sees mums of my old classmates from almost 30 years ago. The group just clicked and about 10-15 if them have remained friends who meet up around 4 times a year. On the other hand, the mums of my brothers year group didn't get along so well and have never socialised. I've noticed similar with the nursery my older two attended. They were there for 4 years between them, two f those years there was a really nice group of parents who got Al g well and for the other two it was less friendly. I think there's an element of luck in who your fellow parents are and if you're socially compatible (how wanky do I sound!).

It's hard because on one hand life outside of school is fine and I have plenty of friends but it would still be nice to have a couple of good friends on the school run.

One of my dc's class are like that - I have made one or two friends but it is mainly those with younger children or who are new to the school. They don't mess with the dc's friendships although I am sure they do meet up.

My approach has been to focus more on those with younger children from my other children's year groups as those parents will still be doing the school run when my oldest is in secondary. I also make an extra effort to be friendly with new parents as I know how hard it is to break into the class social group.

This is a good thing for you. I have 4 children myself and experienced it from all angles.

I found the best thing was to stay in the edge, be friendly and polite and leg them all show themselves up, because believe me, it can get messy!!

My ling lasting friendships are those where kids are totally seperate from the friendship, ie different ages or at different schools

I genuinely fail to see why anyone would want to become involved with other school mums who are not their fruends

So a group of women have made friends and don't invite you out with them? So what? You aren't the ones in primary school, you don't have to invite the whole class. You naturally make friends as and when you want to.
You sound over-invested. It's a childs school, not a social group for mothers.

I don't get it. Why are you so desperate to be friends with these women? And you know that this is how they will see it, desperate and try hard.

All schools have little cliques, its a fact of life, there's one in my sons year, I often over hear them talking about their nights out together or with the kids all meeting up. I couldn't give a flying monkeys, and wouldn't start trying to arrange things with them because I dont really know them so it would look odd, the only thing I have in common with them is that I happened to be pregnant the same year as they did.

I just chat generally to everyone, and by doing so I now have one of two mums who will come and stand with me for a chat, but even if they didn't I wouldn't be bothered, I'm there to pick up my child, that's all.

I honestly don't know why people get so upset over the school run.

*one or two

D'you ever think that its the people on here complaining about playground politics and problems that are actually causing them? The rest of us are blithely going about picking our children up and talking to the people we happen to be friends with, and they are imagining gangs and all kinds of shenanigans that aren't real?

No Annabelle I wouldn't have thought about posting on here unless I thought something was bothering me, and mostly I'm pretty laid back and I have some of my own friends outside of school (even if they live far away) I'm just asking for opinions on a situation that's happened. Going back to a comment about it being unfortunate that my sons year is particularly sociable and cliquey is probably right as this situation wouldn't have come up had there been just a couple of groups of friends stood together. It's just that my son's class make a real meal of letting everyone know what great mates they are and how they like to go out together. If they were genuinely nice people, when I had tried to organise a drinks get together they would have said 'hey we are going out why not come out with us'

Why not meet / socialise with the four who did attend your drinks event? You have four potential friends right there.

Annabelle, I don't think anyone is imagining things. School run politics is very real and can be distressing for someone new.

Playground mums can get cliquey but cliques rarely last too long. People fall out with each other pretty soon, if the group dynamics are based on alpha mums, divisiveness and excluding others.

There will always be the wiser mums who stay out of it - mostly mums with older kids who have seen it all. Also, the working mum who can not invest so heavily in school run politics, the family where it is the dad or grand parents doing the majority of the school runs etc., the mum who has fallen out of favour with the queen bee etc.

Give things time. You don't have to make best friends at the school gate but I am sure soon enough you will run into others who will be more accepting and friendly.

Till then continue to act pleasant, self assured and make effort at small talk without ever acting over eager.

Have you read queen bees and wannabes. It may help

I don't agree. I think its what you make it. I've done school runs at 6 different schools in 2 different countries, I have seen no evidence. One persons clique is just another persons group of friends, one persons "alpha mummy" (hateful phrase, and judgemental itself) is another persons loud personality.
Just pick up your kids, the rest of the shit is either not there or doesn't matter. You make a big deal over nothing.

That's fine Annabelle you are entitled to your opinion, but I disagree

I don't want to lock horns as generally I'm a positive person that wants to see the good in everyone, but I have to admit there are instances where people just don't want to know you, of which this is one. Also I think there is a case for people being considerate of other's feelings, this too is one as the other mums whether you think they are just friend's or cliques could have been kinder in their handling of the situations

Lottiegal, I know what you mean. My children have now left school but I did get hurt when I wasn't invited to things or more so when certain people just cut you dead if one of their friends came along even if they were speaking to them.(rude) I think it was I wasn't "posh" enough for them. These people had weekend houses that friends went to and I was never invited. At 33 I felt very alone but I gradually made friends. I wonder too if being slightly older affects things too. If you are 40 you may be older than some mums (and be a lot wiser) I still don't have loads of friends but am more content now. Good luck and hope your daughters class are better.

Don't worry about it. The kids pick their own friends eventually anyway. I have friends at school but its happened naturally and only for a few people. I don't do the mums nights out and alike. I am too busy or lazy.

There is a terrible clique in ds1's year. A mum told me today that there is a terrible on on her class ( the other reception class, ) whereas my ds2's reception class is lovely. She made me really sad.
Ignore OP. You can do nothing else. You will never change them. Makes me so sad. I had no idea that primary was like this. Horrible. There are endless threads, and books about it.

You sound over-invested. It's a childs school, not a social group for mothers

Yes!

I bet in our parents' generation, they did what I do now - i.e. drop and run. Most of these people you'll never see again once your child leaves the school.