to be outraged and upset by playground politics

[Lottiegal]

I know this is probably a common situation, but it's the first encounter of it for me. I'm pretty friendly with most of the mums at school, my son is in Year 1 and daughter in Reception. Last year many mums got together and went out on a few occasions, I couldn't make a couple of the nights out, and since then I've noticed my son's class has formed into two distinct groups, of which I seemed not to 'belong' I noticed they were a bit distant when I'd try and join in. So I thought I'd break it up a bit by organising a summer BBQ at a local picnic spot in the summer, many mums showed interest so I went ahead and organised it, but then they pulled out at the last minute, leaving me to pay most of the hire fee. It was annoying and a bit embarassing, especially as I saw lots of Facebook updates showing mums going out together over the summer, while I got invited nowhere.
I noticed when we went back in September I was definitely now out of the loop, despite my attempts to be friendly and invite my son's friend's round to play.

Foolishly I thought I would organise a Christmas drinks party at a local pub, again many said it was a good idea and joined the Facebook event. I kept the dates open, and the first date I suggested all said they couldn't do (that was last weekend) so I booked a table for a date those said they could make at the end of November. I had a mixture of mums, mostly ones that weren't in the two main 'groups', then I noticed people pulling out at the last minute again, and it ended up just with four of us, which was ok. I'm just really pee'd off that this weekend just passed, both groups of mums posted lots of pictures of them all going out drinking and dancing and listing all the names of who went and what a fab time they had. To me this is just rude. Then this morning they are all smiles and saying hello to me like I wouldn't care!

None of this should matter, but my son has a group of 5 close friends, all of who's mums are in one group and go out regularly together. Despite my attempts to join in, they just don't want me there. My son keeps saying 'mummy so and so's mummy's went to wherever at the weekend, why couldn't we go' which is sad as I just have to say that we weren't invited. There was even an incident in the playground recently where one of the boys told my ds he wasn't in their group anymore because his mummy said so.

Can't believe I've been embroiled in this, as I swore I'd never be involved in playground politics :0(

Really sorry mete xxxx

I doubt very much that you're horrible metebelis :) Unfortunately some people can't look beyond the end of their own nose. Sometimes it can just be busyness but some people just have an 'I'm all right Jack' attitude and don't make any effort with new people, especially if they have lived in an area forever. They don't realise how hard it can be to make friends as an adult (or maybe they just don't care).

Have you tried rather than arranging your own, to saying "that looks fun, can I join you next time?" when they put something on fb. Or phoning one up and asking if they'd like to go to something with you.

At toddler group, there was a group of us who used to occasionally go out together. We weren't exclusive, it was basically anyone who happened to be at toddler group the week it was arranged was invited, and we'd go out that weekend. It was occasional, and things we could all do (eg either at night and any single parents would be welcome to leave children with our other halves, or things that older/younger siblings would be able to come too) I think it happened about 2-3 times a year.

But then we had someone new in who wanted to start making it much more organised-names in advance because she wanted to book, things that were expensive, have it as a formal regular thing (once a month) and often things that were great if you were into it (greyhound racing anyone ) but pretty boring if you (as most of us) weren't.
She was also very pushy in getting people to sign up, to the point of certainly I got very uncomfortable round her. She then had a huge strop because her events were not getting the numbers she thought. Then came one of our informal things and it got three or four times the number of people, and she claimed we were shunning hers.

The thing was, she had good intentions. She wasn't meaning to be domineering or anything. But she very much came across as "this is how you should be organising these things" without having worked out what the dynamics of the group liked. Because she got stressed about organising them, the feeling of her events was very stressful.And she took it personally when we couldn't go to hers.

No no no. You need to think this differently. You've not managed to click as bosom buddies with these women but that doesnt mean they have been mean or that you should be rude to them. We all meet people who are perfectly lovely but we just dont click with, and others who become great friends and this is what has happened here. Of course its a bit hurtful and surprising as you sound really nice, but grown ups are allowed to choose their friends. Do you actually REALLY like these women or is it just you want to be part of their gang to help your DS.

The fact that people are generally positive and warm to you when you arrange things is a good sign that people like you, so its just you're not their best friend, which is fine. Keep being polite and friendly, and invite children over individually or in small groups who your son likes - he's only Y1 - things can change by next year or even next term!

But stop trying to arrange all class parties - you are not the central networker in this group and will just keep disappointing yourself. Focus on the people you like - if you like them, they will like you and warm friendships will grow naturally.

Stop trying so hard.

I know it's difficult when your child is involved but it's not healthy for children to have groups or cliques either.

Don't bother organising social events for other mums. Smile, be friendly to everyone, say good morning or whatever and leave it at that.

As far as your ds goes, children's friendships change a lot at this age. And you're always going to get children who make nasty comments. Encourage your ds to be friendly and play with others in the class. Arrange a few playdates. His friendships are separate from yours, you don't have to get on well with the mum in order for him to have friends. And if he asks again why you didn't go to such and such an outing, just be honest and say you weren't invited, but DON'T give him the impression that it's sad, just be matter of fact. Children pick up on adults attitudes, if you're not worried by it, he's likely not to be.

Its sort of two different things isn't it? There's the element of whether or not YOU want to be friends and socialize on an adult level with these people which you can take or leave (as someone said upthread - if for reasons of geography or circumstance you don't have many other people around, it might be important to you) and secondly its the opportunities for your son to do things with his friends. For the latter, maybe concentrate on his 5, and invite just one or two of them at a time to do something low key that doesn't involve booking and paying in advance (can't believe you got left with the picnic bill - I'd have made it clear to the cancellers that they'd owed me for that). Keep the emphasis on the kids and go from there. If you invite one or two to something and they say oh we can't because we doing x with y and z then if you got the courage (and I'm not saying I would), up front ASK why your son can't come along too - be honest and say he is feeling left out. I hate this sort of thing and am negotiating it myself. Friendly mums but have known each other a long time and I live quite a way away, whereas they are literally on the same street. Good luck

You do sound over invested OP but I think you know that now.

Really, just let your kids make friends in their own time and it'll happen naturally.

The same goes for you too. You may/may not make one or two good friends through the school run but does it really matter? I'm sure you have friends outside of all this.

They'll be in senior school one day and you genuinely won't remember most of these people...even if someone tries describing them to you and saying "Oh you remember so and so...blonde hair - always dressed a certain way".

You'll be like >> "No, I don't know who you mean".

I think you get good and bad years with parents in the playground. DD's year was very cliquey - there seemed to be a lot of game playing, excluding people, general nastiness.

A couple of years later, it was a much nicer year group- they wouldn't have dreamt of organising a night out without inviting everybody.

Re your ds - there comes a point where they start to choose their own friends, not just because their mum's like each other. For us that was around year 1/2. He'll be fine.

I was excluded pretty much. A few years down the line, I'm glad I wasn't part of it. Some of them could start a fight with themselves in a paper bag. The dynamic has changed quite a bit. More people are back at work, there are no daytime meet ups. The dc have picked their own friends, according to work groups, interests etc. It's a whole different story. As a result of not being part of the groups, I've made two really nice friends - the type who don't engage in stupid tittle tattle.

In a couple of years it will be secondary school and I'll probably never see most of them again.

My advice would be keep your head held high, smile, be pleasant, find some activities to get out and about with your younger dc and play the long game.

4 mums did turn up for the drink, that's 4 people who are open to being friends, focus on them rather than trying to infiltrate the other groups, they may go back to ante natal days and have been pals for years. Invite the other 4 for a meet up.

Re your ds - there comes a point where they start to choose their own friends, not just because their mum's like each other. For us that was around year 1/2. He'll be fine.

Err, that happens straight away! Children don't care who their mums are friends with, they'll choose friends at school because they WANT to play with them.

Dancergirl - yes maybe. But there were certainly parties/meet ups organised where it was all the mums' friends' dc there and not who the dc actually liked in the first couple of years. It seemed to wane off around year 1/2.

From an outsiders point of view, I think you've just been unlucky that your DS happens to be in a sociable, but cliquey class. It may not be that they are intentionally not inviting you, but that they don't think to invite you. Because your newish to the area and would like some mates, it's really hitting home, making you feel lonely and sensitive to it, and playing on your mind.

Just a couple of points; you seem disappointed that only four people turned up to the pub. But that is four potential friends. (A lot!) And with a small group it does make it much easier to chat and become familiar with each other (I'm through the primary years of my DC, but I do remember that sometimes huge amounts of people promised they would come to a party/dinner out, and very small amounts actually turned up, so I don't think that is specifically your problem)

It may be much easier to make friends with the reception class mums, as all of them are new to it, rather than already established as knowing each other. You may feel you don't have the energy for it after all your attempts were thwarted with the Year 1 class, but I would put effort into trying to make friends there.

Keep an open mind with the older class as well. You may find that suddenly doors are opened to friendships there.

Wow, they sound really mean. I would hide or de friend them on Facebook and remain smiley and friendly, but at a real distance. I don't have any other advice, but am sympathetic as it's quite hurtful when people are so mean. Thankfully the mothers in your daughters year sounds nicer.

Some mums do this and it's not nice. If your child is being excluded and left out and is showing distress you could possibly try the "Have I offended you? It's just I noticed you've been out a few times and not invited me, and I wondered if I had said something to upset you?

It sounds as if you might benefit from taking up a hobby, there are lots you can do even with a small child. At our school alot of the parents work full time, have hobbies outside friends, religion, study etc so time is often a problem. If you find something that makes you happy you won't feel as bad or as attached to what is happening in school.

If it degenerates into name calling, why not have a word with the head? They are there to help your child and it sounds like they are being affected by this.

I know the group of my son's friends mums haven't known each other before so that's not the reason. The 'leader' of this group has always been a bit frosty towards me as when our sons started school they became best friends and still are, but whenever I said something like 'our sons are like hinge and bracket eh!' (in a jokey way) she'd say something wierd like 'well I think they all play in a group really' (to include the other mums) I know my son and her son are very close as the teacher has said so, but she fails to acknowledge it and socially engineers who he sees outside of school to what suits her. I have had him round to play a few times but she's not reciprocating anymore :0/

I would concentrate on your daughter's year to be honest and stop torturing yourself with Facebook.

I have lovely acquaintances in my eldest son's year (Yr6) but the Year 3 mums (youngest son) are a totally different breed. They all went to school together and are extremely cliquey/gossipy. I have a couple of close friends in that year but to be honest its not about quantity its the quality of the friendship that matters to me.

Don't worry OP, it doesn't matter what she thinks. I think, even if she's not reciprocating, I would still invite him over to play if that's what your ds wants. Sometimes people reciprocate sometimes they don't, but the way I see it is as long as your child enjoys the other child's company, it doesn't matter whose house it's at.

At my dd's previous school, random exclusion turned into libellous name calling. It took a call to a solicitor and a strongly worded letter to quell the beast! Luckily we moved soon after.

It wasn't ideal but when playground bullying turns to something more dangerous, it should be taken seriously. The mums at dd's new school are lovely so I'm glad we did say enough was enough.

have you joined PTA?
they seem to have active socials

I think I probably was overly concerning with making some friends as my sister was always telling me that the friends she made in her son's Reception year are the friends she still sees now her son is 18. But that doesn't necessarily mean the same for me.
I do have my own interests, I'm involved in local community issues like setting up a children's community garden, the church and I do evening and weekend printing classes. So I guess I'm primarily concerned for my son having a social life outside of school. I always remember having a lovely class at primary and doing lots of things with my friends in a group so wanted the same for him, but history doesn't always repeat itself. It's a shame though as my son is very happy and sociable and I'm told by the teacher is very popular in his class.

In time, the kids will fall out or make new friends at school which will impact on the parents friendships. Stop trying so hard as that would make me uncomfortable if I were them. Just wait and see what happens.

meant overly concerned :0P

OP, your ds is really little, you don't have to worry now about him having a 'social life'. When he's 16 maybe, but not 5. If he's happy and sociable and enjoying school you really have nothing to worry about.

LucyLastic there is no PTA at our school, the headmistress doesn't want one as it's only an infant school as she claims the children aren't there long enough, which imho is ridiculous as I will have three children going through this school over 6 years, but that is another issue...

it is early days yet OP. you have quite a few years for this to happen.
may be there is an unspoken rule for who does the organising and her nose was put out of joint.

have kids round and chat to the parents. you might make friends that way.