Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave just one of my children with a childminder?

89 replies

curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 10:30

My DD2 is very very hard work. She's almost 6 months old and most of the time cannot be put down and I've tried every swing, chair, bed, toy I can lay my hands on.

My DD1 is a total joy. She's easy and never really misbehaves or even makes a mess. She's very calm and I can literally get on with anything else and she'll just read a book or sit with me.

I was reaching a point where I would just want to cry every Sunday night at the thought of 5 days having to hold a crying baby while DH was at work and a friend of mine who is a childminder suggested I hire her for a day or 2 a week to give myself a break.

I did and on those days DD and I go out and do soft play or a class we couldn't do if DD2 were there, I get all the housework and washing done, I food shop, I cook meals to freeze..

But I feel incredibly guilty
about doing this. When I put her in the carseat to go and she smiles at me my heart could just break. And today
I'm having to wait in for a delivery so my FIL dropped her off and when he collected her he said it was very odd that I don't work but I feel the
need to send my baby to a childminder. (Settled on 1 day a week)

So I genuinely need to know if I am being unreasonable and if this is a horrible thing to do to my child.

I usually drop her off at 10 and my DH picks her up at 5. She only has her own 2 children on that day (and one is in school for most of those hours.)

OP posts:
HandragsNGladbags · 16/12/2013 10:33

YANBU. Unless you FIL wants to offer childcare himself, or spend 5 days a week indefinitely with a clingy baby he should button it.

I'd up it to twice a week if she likes it - different things suit different babies

Joysmum · 16/12/2013 10:34

Nah, you need to do what you need to do to thrive. As much as you'll feel guilty, you need to bear in mind that there are in fact benefits to your child of going to a childminder. Although you probably see no end to this and it's overwhelming at times, things will settle and you won't feel this way for ever x

RunSantaRunQuiteFast · 16/12/2013 10:36

Not at all, you get some time to get things done, dd1 gets time with you alone, and dd2 will have fun at the childminder's and interact with new people - win win all round, I'd say! Please don't feel guilty - I bet your FIL has never been at home full time with two small children, has he?!

SecondStarToTheRight · 16/12/2013 10:38

Don't feel guilty if it means you can have quality time with DD1.

The first child often has different needs to the second and by doing this you are providing for both their current needs. DD2 obviously likes the childminders, DD1 gets time with you to do things you can't do with DD2 around - everyone's happy.

Once DD1 is at school DD2 will get their 1:1 time with you and they will be more able to benefit as they will be older.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 10:38

Horrible? It sound fucking sanity saving (and I love babies!).

The only thing I would be careful about is how DD1 interprets it. Does she get 'left' anywhere when you only have DD1 (playgroup etc) and does she know 'why' DD2 goes there and she doesn't?

JRmumma · 16/12/2013 10:40

YANBU, you need to get things done and give some attention to your other child, and you cannot do this while DD2 is there. As long as she enjoys it, then there is no reason not to continue, or to put her to the childminder for an additional day if needs be.

I don't see this arrangement as any different to letting a grandparent etc babysit so you can do other things, the only difference is you are paying for this service and IMO you are very lucky to be in a position where this is an option.

Remember that if it helps you stat sane, then it cam only be a positive thing for everyone, including DD2.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 10:40

DD1 never gets left anywhere really, aside from my parents house on an occasional evening when we go out, but DD2 goes as well.

She does say, and did this morning say, "where's DD2 going??!" Which is hard.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 16/12/2013 10:42

YANBU.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 10:42

How much childcare did FIL do when his children were babies? Xmas Grin

Honestly, people who have no idea how relentless it can be when you have a child that cannot be put down, just don't understand. If you had two like DD1 you would probably be more inclined to feel the same way as your FIL :) It's hard sometimes to understand things you haven't actually experienced yourself.

Feminine · 16/12/2013 10:43

I don't agree with the posters so far.

I reckon there is more to your post than you are willing/able to type.

I don't think you are wrong to do it however, (but) you will at some point need to sort this out.

At the moment it sounds as if you favour DD1?

DziezkoDisco · 16/12/2013 10:43

Now I will admit to being a bit judgy about people that put their children in childcare for long days when they are a home but not a couple of days which will definately make you, your DD and therefore your baby far happier.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 10:46

If I were you, I'd find a 'playgroup' or something where DD1 gets left so a) she gets used to that and b) she sees you having time with just DD2 as well. Otherwise I feel there's going to be a point where DD1 feels 'special' and that DD2 is unwanted/naughty/not as special.

Cleorapter · 16/12/2013 10:48

YANBU, I wish I could do the same!

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 10:48

I don't favour DD1, but she is definitely easier. I can do housework and food shop and walk the dog etc with her no problem but with DD2 I can't do most of these things while holding a baby so it results in her screaming bloody murder as I have to put her in her chair or walker etc. she lasts one or two minutes before the screaming starts. It's not enough time to do anything...

OP posts:
3rdnparty · 16/12/2013 10:51

Ditto chipping - think you may well be setting yourself up for potential issues between them in the future eg dd1 turning round and saying to dd2 she was so horrid she had to go away..... could they alternate days at the CM? so you get some 1:1 with both....

Feminine · 16/12/2013 10:56

But curious that is life Wink

Welcome to two children.

You remind me of what happened when I had my 2nd child. In a way he made life more difficult because our first son was very easy to be with.

But, all personalities are different. I don't believe that because your second daughter is more of a challenge that you should place her with a child-minder.

As I mentioned earlier you will need to sort it out, maybe your younger DD will always be more of a job?

Think about it perhaps?

It is exactly what I had to do, so I totally understand.:)

Flibbertyjibbet · 16/12/2013 10:56

I was a bit on the fence till I saw your last post. You can't walk a dog with a 6m old baby?

DS2 was incredibly clingy, I just got a sling and got on with everything.

DD1 will start to feel that she is entitled to exclusive time with you. When does dd2 get that? I often wondered if ds1 was less clingy than ds2 because he had 18 months of uninterrupted exclusive time with mummy/daddy. I did it the opposite way to you, we had to keep ds1 in nursery while I was on mat leave to save the space and get priority on the same days for ds2. So at that age ds2 had exclusive mummy time for a couple of days a week and we really enjoyed it, went to all the baby groups etc on those days and then on the other days did toddler things.

Trills · 16/12/2013 11:00

Would you be able to spend some one on one time with both of your daughters?

You might find life easier with both of them if you have had some alone time with each.

You've "known" DD1 for a lot longer, and had plenty of time to get to know her just the two of you, so it's not surprising that you find her easier. It might be that you and DD1 just have more compatible personalities, and you'll always find her easier to be around, but you haven't yet given yourself as much of a chance to figure out how to be around DD2 in a relaxed way.

TinyTear · 16/12/2013 11:00

HAve you tried to wear DD2 while doing the housework, food shop, etc? you can point out the interesting things, make it all seem FUN

My DD now 22 months runs from whatever she is doing to climb on her little stool and insist she helps me wash up as we keep saying how much fun it is...

Trills · 16/12/2013 11:01

Just saw your most recent post - try posting in a topics about parenting or about babies with "what to do with clingy baby?" and I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice (and sling recommendations)

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 11:01

From January DD1 will have afternoons in nursery so DD2 will get lots of alone time with me. And seriously, the entire time we're all together I'm holding, singing to, playing with, jiggling, feeding DD2 so if DD1 feels anything it's left out, not special.

And I've tried a sling, she hates it. And she's not happy being in her big coat or wrapped in lots of blankets and cries for the whole walk. I have to walk the dog more than one a week so obviously I have to just get on with it, but on a Monday we get to take him for a nice walk that isn't stressful as all we can hear is crying.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:03

Feminine - she hasn't sold her to the highest bidder - she's simply using a bit of childcare so she can get stuff done and spend a bit of one on one time with DD1 who probably gets the rough end of the deal the rest of the time. Just because you chose to 'suffer through it' and not get any help doesn't make it the only or right option.

Flibberty I suspect that DD2 gets an awful lot of time and attention, shouty babies do whilst DD1 just quiety gets on with playing and being sidelined.

Not everyone can use a sling either.

Sometimes you just have to 'crack on with it' but in this case she doesn't, she has a friend who has DD2 one day a week to give her a break.

It's not always possible to do 'toddler' things with a screaming baby and why would you, if there's another, perfectly acceptable option?

LadyInDisguise · 16/12/2013 11:03

TBH it depends as to why you are doing that.

If this is because it allows you to do the things you can't be doing otherwise and it is making you stressed/irritable/depressed. The YES.
If it is because you want to spend some 1-1 time with your dc1 and she doesn't get any. Then again YES.
If it is because you prefer your dd1 company rather than dc2... then :( and NO this is not a solution.

TBh I would suspect this is just a phase and your dd2 will become less clingy as times goes on. But you will have to be careful that 'sending dd2 away' as you get on with doing things/doing nice things with dd1 isn't becoming the norm for your family in the mean time. Esp because it will prob always be easier to do things with dd1 rather than dd2 because of the age difference/difference in temperament.

Do you have some 1-1 time with dd2 too?

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 11:04

I've posted on here about her before, I've tried slings, a carrier, a mamaroo, a chair swing, different bouncy chairs, a playmat, her Moses basket, her crib, her cot, a sitting up pram, a laying down pram. She's been on gaviscon, ranitidine and now has nutrimigen which I think is helping a bit.

I'm just hoping that she'll grow out of the crying.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 16/12/2013 11:05

Sorry xposts.

It is always difficult to handle a nearly 3yo and a bay, even more difficult when the baby is demanding.
Just be mindful of patterns though.