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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave just one of my children with a childminder?

89 replies

curiousgeorgie · 16/12/2013 10:30

My DD2 is very very hard work. She's almost 6 months old and most of the time cannot be put down and I've tried every swing, chair, bed, toy I can lay my hands on.

My DD1 is a total joy. She's easy and never really misbehaves or even makes a mess. She's very calm and I can literally get on with anything else and she'll just read a book or sit with me.

I was reaching a point where I would just want to cry every Sunday night at the thought of 5 days having to hold a crying baby while DH was at work and a friend of mine who is a childminder suggested I hire her for a day or 2 a week to give myself a break.

I did and on those days DD and I go out and do soft play or a class we couldn't do if DD2 were there, I get all the housework and washing done, I food shop, I cook meals to freeze..

But I feel incredibly guilty
about doing this. When I put her in the carseat to go and she smiles at me my heart could just break. And today
I'm having to wait in for a delivery so my FIL dropped her off and when he collected her he said it was very odd that I don't work but I feel the
need to send my baby to a childminder. (Settled on 1 day a week)

So I genuinely need to know if I am being unreasonable and if this is a horrible thing to do to my child.

I usually drop her off at 10 and my DH picks her up at 5. She only has her own 2 children on that day (and one is in school for most of those hours.)

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 16/12/2013 11:05

xpost again.

You seem to have a really hard time with her atm :(

TinyTear · 16/12/2013 11:07

Aww bless... Hopefully she will grow out of it and be happier...

If she enjoys the CM i see no issue at all then

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 11:08

Better to do it now at 6mo before she hits separation anxiety primetime in a couple of months and it'll be even harder to get her used to someone else. It'll be good for her to have that other person in her life too, and sometimes two days consecutively can be better than one, so don't feel bad about upping it either.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:08

I think what you are doing is perfect, please don't stress about it Flowers

For the buggy have you tried a long cosy toes and a wool cardigan & hat with the rain cover over her? Might be less 'bundled up'. Or a snowsuit in a much bigger size?

Pram refusal is frustrating, but hopefully it wont last long.

All of it is just 'a phase' though feels like forever when you are in the middle of it, in no time at all you will look back on it and see how short a time it really was - honestly :)

ChristineDaae · 16/12/2013 11:08

My DC2 isn't born yet, but the only thing I would say from an outsiders pov, is that maybe if you can afford 2 days, one day put dd2 in the CM, and the other put DD1 in. That way they bith get some of your time, DD1 isn't being pushed out by demanding DD2 all day, but Dd2 still gets her share of time with you to just enjoy her. Don't plan any housework for that day etc.
I understand why you're doing it but it does seem as if DD2 is being pushed away just for being hard work. I don't think that's what you are doing, but it's what it could easily be seen as, from her little pov.

NoComet · 16/12/2013 11:09

YANBU if you had Granny round the corner, you'd leave the DDs for half a day together or desperately to get some peace, quality time with the other. My DF does.

I sent my very sociable DD2 to nursery at 18 months. Peace in the morning and DD2 back rom
Preschool in the afternoon.

When older they really enjoyed the three years DD1 was at senior school and DD2 at primary because they get different inset days. They love shopping trips where they get to call the shots and DD2 likes friends round without pesky big sis.

pinkdelight · 16/12/2013 11:12

Re little POV, I don't think she'll have a clue what you're doing with DD2 whilst she's at the CM. As long as she's happy with CM, you enjoy your time with DD1. It's DD1 who is more likely to start feeling pushed out if DD1 dominates your time together, and she's also more likely to understand that you're at home with the baby while she's with CM.

tinyturtletim · 16/12/2013 11:16

Yanbu.

I am considering doing this with my dd2, I am a childminder myself but dd2 is like your dd and is so attached to me it is stressful if I am in the house it is only me she wants even dh cannot distract her.

Dd1 went to a cm from a young age before I registered so I think that helped give her independence so there is no harm in doing it for one day a week.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 16/12/2013 11:20

Fil is BU, you are not. Unless he wants yo take dd for a day every week, he shouldnt have said that.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 16/12/2013 11:22

Ps DS1 (dc4) is the only child at he during school hours and is easy peasy but I would love to send him to childcare if i had the money.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 16/12/2013 11:24

Not at all I think it's great to be a bit creative about family life. I'm sure DD2 is just fine at the CM 1 or 2 days a week - probably just as happy as being dragged around with you and DD1 whilst you get stuff done.

My DS used to stay in nursery "late club" whilst I picked DD up from school and spent some time with her. Late club was fab and DS enjoyed it there with his friends including some craft activities and sitting round the table for a sociable snack time.

Do whatever works for you all - and that includes you!

comemulledwinewithmoi · 16/12/2013 11:25

Totally disagree thst this will cause any issues. They are so little, this situation wont be ling term.

Feminine · 16/12/2013 11:26

chippingConfused

I offered my experience to curious

she may always find second DD more of challenge, then what?

My more challenging son is now 10, I have always found it easier to gel with my eldest.

lilyaldrin · 16/12/2013 11:33

YANBU - it sounds like a perfect solution, especially as you will have 1:1 time with the baby while your oldest is at nursery.

If you were sending the baby to granny's for the day while you did stuff at home no one would bat an eyelid! If I was your sister and could see what a hard time you were having I'd be giving you a break.

It just happens that in your situation you are paying a friend for what many people get for free from family.

Hermione123 · 16/12/2013 11:33

Yanbu. FIL is a judgmental berk. It all sounds fine you know your dc best and what works

lilyaldrin · 16/12/2013 11:36

When my DS was a baby, I sent him to nursery two mornings a week. He was perfectly happy and it gave me a chance to sleep, catch up with housework and do a bit of studying. There's nothing wrong with no being with your baby 24/7, so long as they are happy and well cared for.

anotherchristmasnamechange · 16/12/2013 11:37

curious have you got a sling? Mine was a lifesaver with dd2 and dd3 - left hands free for a toddler and calmed them down.

Here's what I would do: give yourself one day with dd1, and one day with dd2, to allow you to have 1:1 time together and bond. Don't do anything else on that day but have fun and get to know her.

I had a "difficult" second baby, and I do understand. I got to know her better when dd1 started nursery at 3, and I had 1:1 time with her.

I wouldn't send just one to a childminder. I grew up in a household with one definite favourite daughter - and it was no good for either me or my dsis, and it caused problems for both of us. It also caused resentment between us.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:38

Feminine - I don't feel you did 'offer your experience' to curious, but that you told her other people cope and that she was favouring her DD1 and that she was wrong.

Yes, her DD2 might always be more of a challenge - but she wont always be a 6 month old baby that wont be put down. She also wont have both of them home 24/7. Life changes. As I said, she's using a bit of childcare, not selling her to the highest bidder.

Right here, right now, she is doing what she needs to do - to get some time to sort the house out and do things with DD1 that she can't do with limpit DD2. Really - it is not the end of the world as we know it.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 11:40

anotherchristmas

From curious at 11.04

I've posted on here about her before, I've tried slings, a carrier, a mamaroo, a chair swing, different bouncy chairs, a playmat, her Moses basket, her crib, her cot, a sitting up pram, a laying down pram. She's been on gaviscon, ranitidine and now has nutrimigen which I think is helping a bit

and her DD1 is going to afternoon nursery from Jan (as per her post at 11.01).

PrimalLass · 16/12/2013 11:43

You haven't said a baby walker. I know they are horribly unfashionable now (various safety reasons that you would have to consider for yourself) but my DS was bored and very whingy from the start (hated lying flat, had head control from birth, needed constant attention etc) and his personality totally changed once we got him a walker. We lived in a bungalow so no stairs and he couldn't get into the kitchen etc etc.

Procrastreation · 16/12/2013 11:44

That is totally what I did.

It transformed my relationship with DD1.

I put DS1 with a CM (I forget what age - but under 6 months) under a flimsy excuse of needing to take DD1 for swimming lesson - but really it was just an excuse to have a hot chocolate with my little girl.

She seemed so much younger when I had her alone - it made me appreciate that the new arrival had also put a lot of pressure on her to 'act the part' of older sister.

In terms of long term family dynamic - I cant help but wince when I see families developing entrenched patterns of 'let him have it/do it - he's a baby, he doesn't understand'. The eldest will always be the eldest - and I think they sometimes need a break from all that that entails.

MrsOakenshield · 16/12/2013 11:47

it sounds a very sensible solution to me, especially given DD1 will be at nursery from January. Not everyone can use a sling for long periods (I couldn't, bad back) and, as the OP has said, not every baby likes them.

A couple of things - might be silly, might be worth a try. Which way is DD2 facing in the pram - a friend's DS who hated the pram perked up no end when she switched him from parent-facing to outward-facing.

And I wonder whether cranial osteopathy might be worth a go - DD had fairly mild wind issues, but I had to use Infacol for 3 months which began to be a bit much, and one trip to the osteopath sorted her out. I don't know if it's a similar issue.

Procrastreation · 16/12/2013 11:47

P.S. I am now the mother of 4 sproglets; I'm not of a fragile disposition. Decisions should be driven by needs and circumstances - rather than bloody minded points of principle about 'equal treatment', or 'SAHM shouldn't use childcare'.

hoppingmad · 16/12/2013 11:47

I don't think yabu. I'm actually contemplating similar for my non napping dt's (18 months)
I have 4 dc's and the house is a state - I can't have them both helping me as dts just gets into everything. Dtg is quite biddable most of the time but if I'm busy dealing with dts she will seize the chance to do something she shouldn't.

I can't get anything done during the day as they are all consuming. I'm also knackered, piling on the pounds and actually pretty miserable.

Dh has said we should put them to a childminder one day a week but I'm not sure. Part of me would love the peace but part of me would feel like a limb is missing Hmm

KitZacJak · 16/12/2013 11:48

YANBU - maybe your father in law should offer some childcare instead of his opinion.