To leave just one of my children with a childminder?

[curiousgeorgie]

My DD2 is very very hard work. She's almost 6 months old and most of the time cannot be put down and I've tried every swing, chair, bed, toy I can lay my hands on.

My DD1 is a total joy. She's easy and never really misbehaves or even makes a mess. She's very calm and I can literally get on with anything else and she'll just read a book or sit with me.

I was reaching a point where I would just want to cry every Sunday night at the thought of 5 days having to hold a crying baby while DH was at work and a friend of mine who is a childminder suggested I hire her for a day or 2 a week to give myself a break.

I did and on those days DD and I go out and do soft play or a class we couldn't do if DD2 were there, I get all the housework and washing done, I food shop, I cook meals to freeze..

But I feel incredibly guilty
about doing this. When I put her in the carseat to go and she smiles at me my heart could just break. And today
I'm having to wait in for a delivery so my FIL dropped her off and when he collected her he said it was very odd that I don't work but I feel the
need to send my baby to a childminder. (Settled on 1 day a week)

So I genuinely need to know if I am being unreasonable and if this is a horrible thing to do to my child.

I usually drop her off at 10 and my DH picks her up at 5. She only has her own 2 children on that day (and one is in school for most of those hours.)

hopping - why not hire a cleaner & take the babies to the park for the day?

Sometimes the stress of housework makes it hard to just live in the moment & have fun - and the kids behaviour deteriorates from there.

Yanbu.

It is giving your dd1 some quality 1-1 time, you are making things easier with batch cooking and giving the house a good clean.

It sounds like a perfect solution.

YANBU at all. If it makes your life easier and you get to spend time with dd1, do housework etc then def worth it for your own sanity.

Having a clingy baby is hard work, I know as I have one! My arms ache and I can't get things done! Even making a cup of tea with one hand is difficult.

Your dd2 is probably having a lovely time with cm and it will be good for her to see different people etc.

Do not feel guilty in the slightest it sounds as if you have found a way to ease the situation while your dd2 is so clingy.

chipping I didn't tell her she was wrong

I told her it sounded like she favoured the first daughter.

I based my opinion ( just my opinion) on her first two sentences in her opening post.

The first daughter sounds perfect...almost too perfect. The second one at only six months reads very differently.

that is why I suggested she look at the long-term.

To clarify, I don't think she is wrong or should feel guilty for choosing a child-minder. I said that in my first response. :)

No YANBU. Although I agree with what others have said about being careful about the reasons and having exclusive time with one child but not the other - once your older DC starts nursery this will obviously balance out - assuming that your baby doesn't just sleep for the entire nursery session (doesn't sound like that will be the case!). I do think you need to give both of them individual time as although your baby "takes" more in terms of attention, babies are and should be more needy at that age If when you are altogether you are resenting her screaming that takes away your attention from your older DC then IMO you need to have one to one time with baby to develop your relationship with her and give her the attention without feeling guilty/torn in relation to neglecting DC1.

My baby is 6 months (DC3) and my 2 older DC will both be at full time school from Feb so I am starting to think I need some time out and will almost certainly pay for some kind of childcare for her during the week - she is just becoming mobile and therefore I need some time to myself for jobs etc so that I can be a relaxed and happy mummy not a fishwife running from pillar to post and screaming at my older kids before and after school! Before DC3 was born I have also put one or other of my older children in childcare during school holidays so I can do something special with the other (although this has been odd days never been a regular arrangement).

It would be normal to have a grandma look after a baby from 6 months ish or go back to work so they would go into some kind of childcare - just because you don't have available family support or a job doesn't mean you can't have a break.

PS I if I were you I would also consider a cleaner and internet food shopping.

Does she cry when at the childminders?

The childminder is a close friend of mine who used to be married to my brother, her children are my nephews and one is at school all day and the other is 3 and very much like my DD1 in terms of chilled out nature so DD2 gets constant attention while there and is very happy. She sends me picture messages and text updates of what they do all day. She won't be put down there either but childminder says she doesn't mind a bit as she loves having a cuddly day with her.

I did get a cleaner at first! But she was awful, I paid her for three hours but she said she needed four, then when I came home she hadn't cleaned the kitchen or bathroom and had broken a picture frame. Second time she didn't Hoover anything, and third time she left after 2 hours saying she had finished but still wanted the four hours pay.

I tried another one and she didn't show up so I stopped trying after that!

You sound exhausted and so I think childminder is a great idea.

I do worry about it developing into favoritism later if you kept on straight down this path. However it already sounds like you're not going to be doing this. As Dd1 will be going to nursery some afternoons after Christmas too.

I do think being seen to be 'fair' is important for children as they grow, especially with the most important resource - your attention. Honestly it's as valuable as gold dust for little ones so it's good to avoid any awkward dynamics, or indeed a situation where you're too knackered to give the gold dust in any way!

I am talking about showing fairness as I come from a family where my mother was such a different mother to my sister compared to how she was with me. I am in no way suggesting you're like this, but sharing my story in case it's helpful.

I grew up excluded and convinced I wasn't a nice person, she pushed me away, told me I wasnt nice, I was too demanding, I overshadowed my sister, I took away her 'glory' by being better at things than her, nothing I did or achieved was ever celebrated as it took away from my sister. But then also that she disliked me as i obviously loved my father more than her, and punished me whenever i showed him affection. It was incredibly unfair and damaging, and it's hard to be even vaguely polite to my mother, let alone have any kind of emotional connection with her. Now, she was an abusive mother, and my father an enabler, so quite different to you I should imagine. But I do know the sting and the rejection of being that disliked difficult second child, and would want any child to avoid feeling even a tiny bit of what I felt.

YANBU. my situation is a bit different because my older 2 were both fine on their own but a nightmare together. There are 22 months between them. DS1 was into everything and DS2 has SN so he took ages to feed and had lots of hospital appointments. We had strangers coming round to the house as well like the physio, OT and disability social worker which DS1 hated.

In the end DS1 went to nursery 2 days a week wen he was 2.5 and I tried to cram in as many hospital appointments and as much housework as I could into that time. DS2 slept a lot and occasionally had respite care so I used to get 1-1 time with DS1 then.

PS your FIL should keep his nose out unless he is offering to look after either of the DD's for you.

I think it would be fairer if DD1 also had some time away, eg at preschool for a session or two. How old is she?

Your sanity is so important , that one day a week will help you breathe and like other posters said, how much child care did your FIL do? Do what's best for you and your kids, I'm sure it will pass as she gets older, but you need to do what you need to do . End of chat.

Yes - it's lovely to have a clingy 6 month old ONE day a week

Honestly, it's the perfect solution - don't fret over it a minute more!

Jelly if you read the thread, or even just the Op's posts, you would know both of those things

As for what to tell DD1 when she asks where is DD2 going I was going to suggest .... "She's going to spend the day with Auntie X"

• Now I find she practically is an Auntie anyway!

Sounds like you are doing the best for everyone :) Don't give up on finding a good cleaner though. I had a distinctly average one and for a variety of reasons she moved on (- and I helped her on her way!). I then got recommended the most beautiful and lovely lady ever who came with 2 relatives and did 3 hours cleaning in an hour every week thus minimising the inconvenience and she was cheap and hugely efficient. I never had to specify a job as they just totally cleaned as if it were their own home IYSWIM and did everything that needed doing. Unfortunately I moved country and lost them :( but if you get the right cleaner it will revolutionise your life - and then you can actually have quality time with DD1 without worrying about housework, so just keep an ear open for any recommendations....

i have a 21 yr old DD2 with SEN...when she was little she went to a respite family once a month on a saturday. I worked all week. I felt terrible about it. But our wonderful social worker said this was time for DD1....she needed me as much as DD2 did. we would just do boring stuff like watch a whole film on the telly without DD2 stood rocking infront of it!

DD2 got wind of all this and started to kick up a fuss....so we told her we were doing boring stuff and eating all tomato based products (she hates tomatoes) as part of her SEN is her obsession with food!

YANBU xx

ach - that's not even a CM then!

Relationship building with a trusted family friend, who is likely to be in your life as she grows up.

Guilt >>>> door.

YANBU!!

Fil probably thinks it's odd because he has never been at home all day with 2 children, one of whom is high need!!

My older 2 are at CM today while I am on mat leave - and everyone apart from my DH expresses surprise that they don't still do the three days they would if I was at work. DD2 is now 3.5 months - not as easy going as DS but a lot easier than DD1 was at the same age. Dd1 is now 5 and a delight - but still high maintenance at times - and old enough to vocalise that she doesn't get enough mummy time since dd2 was born . Good on you for making sure your dd1 still gets some mummy time.

Have you read the sears book

YANBU!!

Fil probably thinks it's odd because he has never been at home all day with 2 children, one of whom is high need!!

My older 2 are at CM today while I am on mat leave - and everyone apart from my DH expresses surprise that they don't still do the three days they would if I was at work. DD2 is now 3.5 months - not as easy going as DS but a lot easier than DD1 was at the same age. Dd1 is now 5 and a delight - but still high maintenance at times - and old enough to vocalise that she doesn't get enough mummy time since dd2 was born . Good on you for making sure your dd1 still gets some mummy time.

Have you read the sears book on parenting a high need child? Might be worth a look although haven't read it myself!!

It sounds like a good solution for you OP.

The baby is happy with the CM. DD1 gets you to herself for a bit and you can catch up on chores etc.

There is no problem here-everyone is happy. And since DD1 will be at nursery soon there is absolutely no danger of rivalry developing between the siblings over this arrangement as some posters have suggested.

I too had a very clingy DD2. If I could have afforded to send her to nursery or a CM I think I would have. It was a very hard and stressful time and although I of course love her dearly, a break once a week would have been lovely.

If it makes everyone happy, I can't see the problem. Your FIL has no right to make you feel guilty. I bet he has never looked after a toddler plus a small baby by himself and has no idea how hard it can be.

if I had my dds the other way round I would have maybe considered the same I think you are a wise person and doing the best for you all you get a break your dd gets to spend time with you and your baby is looked after is she a crier at the minders ? dont listen to your fil he could take her to give you a break bus i suspect he thinks a child should be with its mother all the time when the baby is out of the crying phase though try and not let the time of her crying to linger and you might start having a favourite child if that makes sense,

Out of interest whats the going rate for a cleaner? I hadn't even thought of that and seeing as the only thing about dt's that stresses me is finding time to clean it seems a great solution