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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why people react insensitively to the gender of your child

113 replies

middleclassdystopia · 15/12/2013 20:25

Pregnant with dc3, have a boy and a girl. Just found out this one is a girl.

It's really struck me this time how het up people get about gender/finding out the gender.

Some seem to presume because we found out that we had a preference and get a bit touchy. For example some family member's response was 'is it what you wanted?' rather than oh lovely a little girl, which is what I would say (or lovely a boy if it is a boy).

We found out because I really enjoyed knowing with my dc2. I do not think my decision to find out means I had a preference or that i'm critical of those who prefer to wait and find out on the day. Surely it's just a personal choice?

It's also struck me that some seem to presume we are disappointed in a girl. That my dh would have liked another boy

OP posts:

2Tinsellytocare · 16/12/2013 09:20

To me 3 or 4 DC of any sex is noisy, crazy, fun and bliss

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 09:26

This kind of comment is one of the things that sometimes makes me despair and think many people who look perfectly normal and go their ways about the earth like the rest of us are in fact lazy-minded, thoughtless, sexist idiots.

I don't give a shiny shite whether they are 'just making conversation', which often gets offered on here as a mitigating excuse for dopey comments about pregnancy and babies. In fact, that almost makes it worse.

What kind of person sees a newborn, thinks, 'Oh. A remark is expected of me. What shall I say? I know, I'll offer this total stranger sympathy for having a boy/another boy/another girl, and imply she will have to continue reproducing until she has the right gender. Then that Mummy can go shopping for little pink garments, while Daddy grunts at the football with his boy, and all will be right in the world.'

I think such people should be spoken to very firmly. Barbara Woodhouse-style, and tapped firmly in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, the way people used to with up house-trained puppies.

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 09:26

Un-housetrained puppies. Grr.

MurderOfGoths · 16/12/2013 09:29

Got a DS and found out we're expecting a DD and we're getting so many comments about how we've got the full set, they're human beings not collectables!

Safyre · 16/12/2013 09:39

BiL's wife was sterillised due to medical issues after her second dd. MiL and SiL knew she'd been sterilised, but not why - I was horrified to then be involved in a conversation which included the line 'It's totally selfish - it's all very well saying she doesn't want any more children, but what about BiL? Men want sons!'

Preyed on my mind constantly when expecting DC1 (who did turn out to be a boy) until DH told me it was a load of rubbish. This time round we are hoping to find out in advance, and from comments we've already had I'm preparing for complaints if it's another boy!

AutumnLeafMyArse · 16/12/2013 10:21

I have 3 DS and 1 DD. Long before I had my DD I took my boys into work to collect some papers. They were behaving impeccably.

Colleague: Oh, you have three boys?
Autumn: Yes
Colleague: (long pause) ........Oh well, as long as YOU'RE happy

When pregnant with my DD I was standing outside the classroom at the beginning of the school day with DS1, DS2 and DS3 in his buggy. One of the other mothers walked up to me and said:

Other mother: Oooh, congratulations, I bet you want a girl
Autumn: I don't really mind
Other mother: I bet you do
Autumn: Eeer, noooo
Other mother: Oh come on now, I bet you do!

When 15 weeks pregnant with my DD I was stopped by a colleague at work:-

Colleague: I hear congratulations are in order Autumn
Autumn: Yes, thank you.
Colleague: Do you know what you're having?
Autumn: No.
Colleague: What have you got already?
Autumn: Three boys.
Colleague: Oh NO, you POOR THING, you're probably going to have ANOTHER boy!

At this point I did bite back and asked her not to insult my three sons or my unborn child. I've never really spoken to her since unless absolutely necessary.

tiddleypompom · 16/12/2013 10:29

YANBU.

I've two sons & am collecting shite comments regarding the possibility of a third child. 'Third time lucky' is the front runner, after the notion of 'completing' our family with a girl.

I started off with a smile & ignore but my fuse is shortening...

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 16/12/2013 10:35

goths

be prepared for "ooh, a gentleman's family, just ideal!"

(as in 2 kids, older son, youger daughter)

Pollaidh · 16/12/2013 10:35

I wanted lots of boys before I actually had children (but wouldn't dream of commenting on others, except in an ironic way with close friends), got a girl and couldn't imagine it differently. We found out as I don't like surprises and in a difficult pregnancy it helps me bond better.

Had lots of comments on 'one of each, lovely you won't need to do it again'. I don't mind as they're meant in a kindly way I think (particularly considering difficult pregnancies).

winkywinkola · 16/12/2013 10:40

People say all sorts of shit.

I would just ignore.

MurderOfGoths · 16/12/2013 10:41

pollaidh Also had/having a bad pregnancy and before we found out the gender of the current one I was getting lots of, "better hope it's a girl or you'll have to go through this again" comments. Pointing out that the pregnancy was so awful that I'm thinking of sterilisation just got replies that I absolutely wouldn't want that if I had another boy, I'd haveto try again apparently

Freddiefrog · 16/12/2013 10:44

When we had our second daughter,we got all sorts of silly comments

"oh, another girl? you must be so disappointed"

"another girl? well you can always have a 3rd"

"what a shame, [DH] needs a son"

"well, at least she's healthy"

So stupid

Jellymum1 · 16/12/2013 12:14

Lmao yellow, i can picture whacking some nosey old cow (i didnt say mother in law) with a rolled up newspaper on the nose

keelyboo · 16/12/2013 12:55

I had 2 dd then had a boy after he was born a friend of my sisters (who I don't know) sent a message simply saying "well it was third time lucky then"
some people are just arseholes

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 13:18

Jelly, if we all got out our rolled-up newspapers and our Barbara Woodhouse voices, there would be a lot less of This Kind of Thing...

Honestly, I got this kind of nonsense from both SiLs when our son was born. They are from a large family, and every single sibling who has two children has two sons, while those who have three children have two boys and then a girl.

Both SILs were frantic for daughters (although, tbh, they haven't turned out well. Their older sons, now adult, are delightful in both cases, but they spoiled the girls so much they both went rather badly off the rails in a princessy way...) But what gets me is the assumption that I am equally desperate for a girl, and that as I conceived my first child at 40, it was a terrible, terrible pity I had left it too late to fit in the other inevitable son before managing the real prize of a daughter.

Despite my polite but firm repetition that I had zero gender preferences, they persist in thinking I am bravely covering up disappointment with my fabulous toddler son, as surely any woman in her right mind wants to dress up a little girl in frilly frocks and do her hair...?

Ilikecakes · 16/12/2013 13:25

Third pregnancy now after having two wonderful boys (2 and 3) and am horrified at the general assumption that we're 'going for the girl'. It's been wall to wall stupid comments along these lines and it's really hard trying not to sound defensive when I emphasise that we really would be happy with either, or even that I'd almost have a slight preference for another boy just as my DSs have said they'd love a baby brother!

Jellymum1 · 16/12/2013 13:25

We have a family FULL of girls on dh side they are desperate for a grandson. Truth is though they are ass holes on that side of the family so even if i have a boy they will be having ZERO impact on his life (hopefully). They were awful when i had my dd who was my first child i didnt care if she had three heads and all they said was oh no not another girl ( 7 grandaughters already) i mean shut up! I couldnt care what i have next but dreading their insensitive comments eitherway!

Chrissy178 · 16/12/2013 13:35

I have a 3 year old DS and a 2 month old DD. I have had comments reminding me of how lucky I am that I've got one of each, unlike my cousin, who has two boys. I think my cousin and I are equally lucky tbh, and the luck has nothing to do with gender.

exhaustedandannoyed · 16/12/2013 13:57

I also had some of those comments about how lovely it would be to have a boy as dc1 is a girl. When I found out we were expecting another girl I was amazed by how many people would ask boy or girl and when I said girl, just said nothing! It was obvious they would have said all the 'one of each, how lovely' type remarks I had said a boy. Just after I had given birth to my gorgeous girl the midwife started joking about how we would have to try again for a boy. Un-fucking-believable.

Jellymum1 · 16/12/2013 14:21

My midwife this morning at antenatal actually said scan next week bla bla bla "oooh i bet your hoping for a boy this time then" i was gobsmacked!!!!!!! The midwife saidit! There is really no hope.....

lanbro · 16/12/2013 14:41

We have two gorgeous girls and people often ask when we're going to try for a boy....um, never! Dh jokes he's outnumbered but loves our girls to the end of the world, exactly the same if one or both had been boys!

My sis is due in a few weeks and doesn't know the sex, it would be lovely for my dad to have a grandson but no one will be disappointed if it's a girl, in fact sis will be delighted as she'll get so many hand me downs!

roweeena · 16/12/2013 15:17

I have had someone ask me if I was disappointed that DS2 was a boy and had countless people telling me that I'm bound to have another as I must want a girl.

I do want another but I would want a boy just as much as a girl. When I was pregnant I had so many people saying daft things like 'fingers crossed for a girl this time'.

People are weird when it comes to gender stereotypes - why it is assumed to be better/ holy grail to have a boy & a girl?

roweeena · 16/12/2013 15:19

Jelly mum - my midwife said the same too!

Madmammy83 · 16/12/2013 15:23

I have three boys. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been asked if I'm "going for the girl" - I just say "well that would be a very irresponsible reason to bring another child into the world, wouldn't it?" usually shuts them up.

Some people are just fucking stupid. When I had the twins, I actually had a family member stand over them, comparing them, saying "yeah, that one's definitely cuter, if I had to pick I'd definitely pick him". GET TO FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. Same woman also said "ah wouldn't it have been so lovely to have one boy and one girl" - I just said "I'm delighted they're boys, I actually don't like women at all". She didn't get the hint.

youaremychocolatecake · 16/12/2013 15:25

I've just had my 2nd boy and as far as I'm concerned, a healthy baby is a blessing. So imagine my surprise when someone at the school said to me 'oh never mind, you can always have another one' how bloody rude

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