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Original poster

To not understand why people react insensitively to the gender of your child

113 replies

middleclassdystopia · 15/12/2013 20:25

Pregnant with dc3, have a boy and a girl. Just found out this one is a girl.

It's really struck me this time how het up people get about gender/finding out the gender.

Some seem to presume because we found out that we had a preference and get a bit touchy. For example some family member's response was 'is it what you wanted?' rather than oh lovely a little girl, which is what I would say (or lovely a boy if it is a boy).

We found out because I really enjoyed knowing with my dc2. I do not think my decision to find out means I had a preference or that i'm critical of those who prefer to wait and find out on the day. Surely it's just a personal choice?

It's also struck me that some seem to presume we are disappointed in a girl. That my dh would have liked another boy Confused

OP posts:
FudgefaceMcZ · 15/12/2013 22:06

"Is it what you wanted?" "Yes it's a fecking baby, what did you think we wanted, a tortoise?" end conversation.

DoJo · 15/12/2013 22:08

All through my pregnancy I got people saying 'do you want a boy or girl?' and 'do you have a preference?'

It genuinely wouldn't occur to me that asking if someone has a preference would offend them - in fact I have asked people that myself as there's not really much else to say about someone's pregnancy news.

2Tinsellytocare · 15/12/2013 22:09

When my friend had her 3rd DC her mother said 'well now you've got our boy' nothing hugely odd about the except her first child is a boy?!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 15/12/2013 22:10

Yup, unless you get one of each and then stop "people" aren't happy. I have two boys and NO I AM NOT GOING TO TRY AGAIN FOR A GIRL.

When smaller boy was a baby I had people expressing disappointment on my behalf.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/12/2013 22:13

I've only mostly come across negative attitudes towards boys. It seems as though girls are preferred.

GinGirl · 15/12/2013 22:15

4 of one sex in our house... the comments get stupider and stupider. People have suggested that I try for a 5th, 'for my husband' not because it would enhance us as a family to have another child but because it will stop him feeling outnumbered.
Think he has found it harder to respond to the comments than I have because actually they are quite insulting to him. As if his beautiful daughters, whom he adores, aren't good enough for him.

Snatchoo · 15/12/2013 22:18

People assume I will 'keep trying' until I have a girl, I have 4 boys including DSS.

Why? Because it's more important to me to produce a girl than to enjoy the children I already have? Boggles.

idiuntno57 · 15/12/2013 22:23

with x4 DS I get a lot of 'poor you' type comments.

My life is a lot of fun and full of love so I just ignore them and comment on how lucky I am.

hallamoo · 15/12/2013 22:24

I have 3 DD's and one DS, and we are done. So obviously everyone assumes that 'we kept going til we got a boy - then stopped'. That's incredibly irritating as it's kind of unsaid, so I don't get the opportunity to put them straight.

When I told my Mum that DD3 was a girl, she said 'oh no!' - She had been desperate for a boy herself but ended up with 4DD's

softlysoftly · 15/12/2013 22:24

I'm one of 4 girls, Dad got loads of "sympathy", he loved turning round and saying,;

"Yeah even the dogs a bitch"

Lots of Shock faces

MrsAMerrick · 15/12/2013 23:06

We have 2 ds and no-one ever said anything negative except my mil who when I was pg with Ds2 (and didnt know the sex) said "well, I really hope it's a girl or I'll be very disappointed"....

SuedeEffectPochette · 15/12/2013 23:12

I think people perceive girls as easier so boys are a "disappointment". But, boys mess up your house and girls mess up your head - at least that's how it is in my house!

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 15/12/2013 23:16

Our first DC is due in Feb and we are having a boy. When people hear its a boy they say 'oh your husband must be so excited' um yes, I am also excited! He has 2 girls already and I've had lots of 'it will be nice for him to have a boy as well'. So glad I haven't dissapointed now I am bearing him a son! Hmm

The sort of people who make these comments are the sort who think your bump is public property and grab/pat it without asking, this pisses me off immensely.

However at 31 weeks EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Congratulations on your baby !

SuffolkNWhat · 15/12/2013 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sisterelephant · 16/12/2013 00:04

We have 1 DS and we got the "oh, your Dp must be so proud!!" Like he wouldn't have been if it was a girl!

We would actually like to have 3 children eventully, My mum said, 'but if you have a girl next, you're done?'
Erm no mum that's not 3 children is it!!

I actually don't have a preference, we wanted to know the sex because we just wanted to know and I'm sure we will with anymore babies. I wouldn't mind our 3 were all boys, I wouldn't keep going for a girl, if I'm meant to only have boys then so be it.

Boys are awesome Smile

TheBigJessie · 16/12/2013 01:25

The only acceptable thing to say is "ooh, how lovely" and variants and if you're over 15/have had more than 7 hours sleep, you have no excuse for anything hurtful!

We have two of the same sex, and we've used up the boys' names we like, so husband would prefer a girl if we ever have another, and I say I want a boy just because I already know we make lovely sons! Whichever we had though, I know we wouldn't actually care. We'd just be pleased about the baby. And would be very offended by negative comments.

Benby · 16/12/2013 01:57

We have 2 dd's and have been ttc#3 for the last 18 months. I have lost 3 pregnancies and 4 babies since February. On my last miscarriage my mil told me to wait a year to try again because my 2dd's are a handful ! ! And then proceeded to have a go saying she hoped I wasn't fucking trying for a boy to keep my dh happy. ! !
I just said we want, and hope to have 3 children, not boys or girls, children. We don't care what we have we just wish we could have one. My dh loves his girls and wouldn't change them and has never indicated he would like a boy so I don't know where she's getting her ideas from. She never thinks before she opens her mouth and gives her opinion. Even if you don't ask for it, it's rammed down your throat.

GoshAnneGorilla · 16/12/2013 05:09

I am with Ninja, some people do indeed need slapping. I'm thinking particularly of one of DH's relatives who when told that dc1 was going to be a girl said "Maybe the scan will be wrong". How I did not punch her, I will never know.

Now pregnant with dd2, so many people asked me what I would like and seemed genuinely baffled when I didn't specify a preference.

I don't understand, gender disappointment is not that common, surely most people are happy with what they've been given.

There was also quite a gap (not intentional) between dd1 and this pregnancy. All the "When are you going to have another one?" conversations weren't fun either.

plentyofsoap · 16/12/2013 05:16

I am amazed by the comments I have had since having my dd. I have a ds and I get either well done (mil included) you don't have to have anymore now or thats perfect Shock You get what you are given and I did not care about gender.
However they were both prem and the comments about that....

MiracleOntheM4 · 16/12/2013 05:36

Yep, expecting DD2 soon and have had a lot of negative comments and will you try a third time. DH is really into sport and has had a lot of 'pitying' comments from one friend in particular about never having a son to take yo football (we know we only want two children). The most bizarre instance of this was whilst sitting at a match with DD1 on his lap in her full team regalia cheering on the team. The fact that I am a huge sports fan seems to have escaped this person too. He perhaps thinks DD and I should be out shopping on a Saturday afternoon....

NurseRoscoe · 16/12/2013 06:03

I think if someone has a strong gender preference they should adopt rather than getting pregnant. I have two boys and would love another baby one day, I couldn't care less if it was a boy or girl, I just feel blessed that I'm able to get pregnant after 5 years of thinking I couldn't (diagnosed with PCOS at 16 and it wasn't explained well to me!)

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 16/12/2013 06:24

when I had my 4th some incredibly rude bitch said "oh, what a shame that it's another boy! a girl would've been lovely!"

wtaf?!Angry

people are obsessed I tell ya!
with my 5th (boy also) and 6th (girl) people were relentless.

"I hope for you that it's a girl this time!"
"are you hoping for a girl?"
"will you keep going till it's a girl?"
"are you going to find out if it's a girl?"
"oh, wouldn't a girl be lovely?"

DO. FUCK. OFF! Angry Angry Angry

#7 is due in July. very much wanted and already loved, bur we are not telling anyone as long as possible.
I don't want to listen to this crap for months on end.
(thank goodness I'm fat enough I can't hide it under my winter coat so I don't need to share with the general public till March or April!)

< hopes for a long & cold winter and bulk orders earplugs >

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 16/12/2013 06:27

ooh and when DH and I are rarely out just with the youngest two and we get a comment of "ah a boy and a girl, what a perfect family!" I really enjoy replying "oh yes, it's perfect because we have 4 older boys as well - it's the best!"

the look on those faces is priceless! Grin

3bunnies · 16/12/2013 07:06

Dh's family have strong preferences for boys Angry and if makes me feel sad when things are said in their ear shot about being good to have a boy. Dh loves all of ours equally but FIL and BIL are so arrogant and rude about having just boys we just roll our eyes now and point out to our (older) dc how silly and prejudiced they are about more than just gender unfortunately . I actually think that lots of the gender stereotypes are rubbish. Dd1 is the most extrovert and needing to be always doing something, dd2 is the most into engineering and is always building something and ds is the keenest and earliest reader by a long margin. Most importantly they are all my lovely dc and are of course perfect!

NativityAlien · 16/12/2013 08:22

I'm surprised you weren't given grief for having a 3rd DC when you already had a boy and girl because I had loads and loads of that.

We didn't find out gender with first two -DC only did with 3rd because of older two DC - but people got very angry about that as it made their shopping harder Hmm.