to be a bit saddened by the workings of the xmasappeal?

[comfortnjoy]

I've offered to donate specific things......a treat for a MNer.
I was matched with someone with DC.
Now I feel like a complete crap donator as I have seen loads of posts about how kind donaters have been, sending focused presents to the family circs.
So my treat is going to look really unthoughtful and tight coz I haven't aimed my presnt to the DC. I can imagine the gift being opened with a dismissive "meh". probably why I haven't been acknowledged on the thread.
It's probably going to be viewed as shit in comparison to the other wow gifts on the thread, isn't it?
How do people decide what to buy after they've been matched when it says in the rules that you state your donation before you're matched .
Aibu to be saddened and feel like not bothering.

Hazyjane, I think it has just developed that way.

Because of this trend, I did not include hardly worn fleeces and merinos because I did not want the recipient to feel snubbed off with second hand goods. But before I think most donations were preloved. Judging by the thank you threads back then.

Do you think it should be a gift for the Mnetter only? Would that be easier?

I would be over the moon if someone sent me a merino anything, second hand or not. Honestly I don't think preloved gifts would be snubbed.

When it first began it was definitely a preloved thing, I remember giving a big box of DD's baby things (all in v. good nick) and added a box of chocs for the MNer. In subsequent years I also gave second hand clothes and toys.

This year I was matched with a recipient who had children a lot younger/wrong sex for hand me downs, so it was vouchers all round. I have to admit when I volunteered to donate I don't remember specifying what I could give, so my bad for not saying 'someone with a 7 yr old girl' that I actually had 2nd hand stuff to give to.

Tbh, Comfort, your OP did read a little 'my hurt feelings' rather than thinking about how your gift will lift someone who might be in a very bad place atm. We shouldn't give to receive, even when all we receive is thanks. You did a lovely thing. Don't spoil it by overthinking and comparing with others.

I think I once sent M&S vouchers I'd got by using my credit card. It didn;t cost me anything (except the lost opportunity to use them myself).

I've been nominated a couple of times though have absolutely no idea why! It really was true in my case that the thought was enough - I was very touched that someone had thought of me.

As far as I can remember, there was a thread about last years Appeal which contained a couple of posts by recipients who stated that they were NOT able to pick up their parcels, as the parcels had been addressed to their MN nicknames, and they had no proof of ID.

The xmas appeal is done in the spirit of giving - if that means having little but giving some of what you have, or having been blessed with much and wanting to share, then so be it.

I'm currently sitting, eyeing the parcel I have to send out, and I know it contains little of monetary value, but everything in it was gathered, wrapped, and meant for the MN'er in a spirit of love, happiness and the desire to spread those feelings a little wider - cos it's xmas, ya know?

If the appeal makes you feel bad, or makes you compare yourself unfavourably to others, then maybe you should be treating yourself a little more gently, and using your time/energy/money to do good things for yourself first.

I think the reason that you have got the unkind replies is because you are assuming that the recipient will be disappointed.

By saying that, you are saying that the person who gets the gift will be ungrateful, grasping, rude, wishing they'd had a different donor, etc.

Imagine that the posters who have replied to you "nastily" have been recipients in the past and they are hurt and insulted that you would think that of them.

I hope that the posts of this thread have convinced you otherwise.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about comfort. If your recipient isn't grateful then that's their problem, not yours.

And I'm fully intending to send a lovely 2nd hand party dress in my package - if the recipient doesn't want it she can give it to charity. That's the only place it's going otherwise so why not send it to someone who for all I know can't afford something that would only get worn a handful of times?

As far as I was aware, you send what you want to/ can afford - no more than that.

I have received from this - in the very first year (i think it was) I received two presents - a voucher and some preloved thomas the tank things for DD. It was so amazingly king - we still have the thomas thing now, DD still loves it and she is 8. I was blown away by the kindness.

I have been nominated this year and it is the thought that counts totally - ok, if i recieve a box of cigars i might be a bit but the littlest thing puts a smile on my face.. The thought of the postman bringing something nice instead of a final demand means so much.

If I can also mention: Some people may be very grateful that they are nominated but still feel quite awkward about it. It could be quite disheartening if they were to read a thread like this, wondering if they were the recipient of some of these posters and they hadn't gone 'far enough' in thank yous, etc. I know that personally, I wouldn't want to give a detailed run-down of any gift I received, etc. - after all the donator knows what they send to a recipient and the whole notion of having a separate ID is to preserve a bit of discretion with the whole thing.

If everybody shared general thanks instead of listing the gifts they received then it wouldn't matter what anybody had sent to anyone else.

I've given myself a slap with a wet kipper and sent my voucher off.

Right, I understand the wetkippering, but MyrrhMumsnet, I think you've misread my OP.
My issue isn't about the acknowledgement, but the worry/guilt over the fact that someone knows that they've been nominated, and seen all the lovely posts about fantastic presents on the Thank U thread.
Then they open my package and find (made up gift alert) some fancy handcream, and will be disappointed. I just am worried about that happening. It's not about me, but about the standard being set high and my gift failing to reach that.
Posters saying it's not about the donater - when you buy a present for a mate, don't you think carefully and focus to try and please them - want them to be delighted by your actions? Why would giving to a stranger be different? I want them to be pleased - does that make me egocentric?
I'm going to take heed of what posters have said about maybe my recipients maybe having another donor who's sending other more focussed stuff.
No one seems to have answered my point about the fact that the donation is specified before the recipient is specified - how do you then have the ability to be flexible?
Next year should I offer maybe a monetary value and then target ot when I have the poster's details? Do you think that'll work?

at "Africa for Norway"

I am sending a voucher but it's meant to be for the mum. My email had a whole list of DCs and all kinds of stuff but in the end I thought sod it. I'll send what I'd be really pleased to receive myself and if that doesn't suit, so be it. i think that's all I can do really. I hope they like it.I would. End of.

Must remember to post it tomorrow.
Must remember to post it tomorrow.

comfort - I'm drinking egg nog here. Your last post was sooo complicated.

Surely you just send what you said you would send and then smile happily and the thought of having made someone happy about being the recipient of unexpected good fortune?

Somehow I manage to factor out the whole ""Everyone else has done x, y, z" thoughts, along with the "Will she like it?" thoughts.

I assume the person I'm sending to is like me. If I received anything - and I mean anything that was sent with good will - I would be delighted.

Think about it, how would you feel?

I think you are worrying far too much.

Make some egg nog. It's a drink that is only respectable at Christmas, for good reason. But I find that it helps puts things in perspective.

I sent a gift and I kind of know she you're coming from, having looked at the thank you thread it seems that lots of MNers have sent expensive presents and mine was fairly cheap and small, but I assume that MN chose that recipient for me because they had stated that they didn't need much and just appreciated being thought of.

I wish I could have done more, but who doesn't sometimes? I know that if I had received what I have sent, I would have been chuffed to have been thought of.

Of course it is the thought that counts, but I can understand worrying that what you have given is a bit pathetic compared to what they could have received had they had a different Santa. Remember that everyone who has ever been nominated is thrilled just with the nomination, to have been thought of, and that the actual gift is a bonus

Comfort, I just offered to donate 'whatever would be needed most'. I actually didn't spend loads, and the 'hint' was very non specific, which was great as i felt i had the freedom to just send whatever i thought my kids might like if we had been the nominated family. I didn't even know if my family was hard up and would have few presents or were someone richer than me who was nominated because they had been of fabulous support to others on the boards. Tbh it doesn't matter to me either way. I just love the humanity behind it all.
There were a couple of kids and I just got them something fun and V.V. Cheap each, some chocolate each, and a small inexpensive game they could play as a family. I didn't have more than £20 to spend (including postage) so I didn't. Had I had less in my budget I'd STILL have sent them something, even if it was second hand.

It really is a very special appeal, and I think with a few guidelines (ie second hand goods of a useable quality or new is fine.) the issues could be resolved. I love that some people get £100 worth of stuff if that's what the donor can afford to give, I also love that people who have less will still find a way to reach out to another human being at what can be a lonely and isolated time of year for many. I really don't believe that any recipient of that gesture of humanity and hope would have felt hard done by, indeed many have expressed only happiness that someone was thinking of them at this time of year. If I were you next year I'd put 'will send whatever is most useful' and then just send whatever you feel like when you get your hint.

No one seems to have answered my point about the fact that the donation is specified before the recipient is specified - how do you then have the ability to be flexible?
Next year should I offer maybe a monetary value and then target ot when I have the poster's details? Do you think that'll work?

I answered this - but to reiterate: you say what you're going to donate/want to donate and then MNHQ match you up with someone they think your gift will be suitable for.

Well personally I'm saddened by the amount of chuntering this year's appeal has generated. From the people who complained about not being nominated to the people who are now naval gazing over their own giving - there is some serious need for grips to be got.

The appeal is a very simple idea. You give what you can, if you can, and you receive what can be given to you, if anything can be given. That's all. No angst is needed pre or post because this is about a gift. Not an expectation or an entitlement and that works both ways. I sincerely hope this is the last Christmas appeal moaning thread I see but I doubt it will be.

With regards to having already specified,

I specified vouchers

I got matched with a mner with two children around the 10/11 yr age

I bought them a voucher each.

Then decided to buythe mner some nice toiletries.

It's not rigid just because you said vouchers doesn't mean it's set in stone.

OP, you've done a lovely thing by donating. I'm sure the recipient will be thrilled that someone has thought of them. Don't feel bad