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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be a bit saddened by the workings of the xmasappeal?

126 replies

comfortnjoy · 14/12/2013 22:17

I've offered to donate specific things......a treat for a MNer.
I was matched with someone with DC.
Now I feel like a complete crap donator as I have seen loads of posts about how kind donaters have been, sending focused presents to the family circs.
So my treat is going to look really unthoughtful and tight coz I haven't aimed my presnt to the DC. I can imagine the gift being opened with a dismissive "meh". probably why I haven't been acknowledged on the thread.
It's probably going to be viewed as shit in comparison to the other wow gifts on the thread, isn't it?
How do people decide what to buy after they've been matched when it says in the rules that you state your donation before you're matched Confused.
Aibu to be saddened and feel like not bothering.

OP posts:
Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 09:45

Bah I hadn't realised there was an ABC thing.

It took me a while to say thank you on the thread, because I had put the parcels in a different place in the house so the DCs couldnt see them and I didn't want to say anything until I had thought about what it was I wanted to say and say it properly.

I write quick posts all the time but I wanted to think things through and say thank you properly.

Also I am so busy and up to my eyes, if I dont do something immeadiately - then I have a bad habit of forgetting.

Also comfort - I would LOVE a present for me - DH and I don't even get each other presents.

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 09:46

I kind of think starting this thread is the very antithesis of the appeal, but I don't want to be accused of being a viper!

I was nominated this year, and haven't received anything, I can honestly say I am not bothered, it was lovely to be nominated and send out a very small package for donation.

It's just a small nice thing, that is all.

MNHQ
AMyrryChristmasToAllMumsnet · 15/12/2013 10:00

@Xmas2013SantaC1103

MNHQ kindly slapped me gently with wet kipper last year and said Anything Will Do It's The Thought.

The Christmas Appeal shouldn't make anyone feel anything less than warm and fuzzy.

We know it can be a bit disappointing to feel your gift is not acknowledged, but often Mumsnetters are nominated because they have had a really tough year, so they might not always get round to posting a thank you on the threads. Try not to read too much in to it - from the responses here it's clear that every gift means a huge amount to the receiver, even if they don't express it publicly. What could be more Christmassy than that, eh?

differentnameforthis · 15/12/2013 10:01

I don't see where the op is moaning about not being thanked at all. Hmm So I don't know what some of you are going on about.

More that she feels her receiver isn't going to be impressed by the gift as it isn't as 'wow' as things others have sent.

OP, please don't worry. Who ever gets your gift should be very happy with it (and I am sure they will be). If they aren't, that is their problem.

differentnameforthis · 15/12/2013 10:05

OK, so just saw it crossed out, my apologies. I stand by what I said, I don't think that is the main problem.

differentnameforthis · 15/12/2013 10:08

Bloody hell...spending a hundred pounds, parcels not being collected, people feeling guilty about the value of what they give...pleased that I don't enter into it, tbh. Sounds like way too much of a competition to see who can buy the best/spend the most.

StealthPolarBear · 15/12/2013 10:15

This all sounds like more stress than it's worth with bad feeling and misunderstandings on both sides. People complaining that their gifts weren't acknowledged, then people like Kew explaining how that can very reasonably happen. Plus the gifts often go to people who are dealing with a shitload of stress.
If I were MNHQ this would be the last year I'd do this. The principle and origin is lovely but the reality seems very different :( Hopefully the majority of people on both sides are very happy but there's just too much potential to get people's noses out of joint.

differentnameforthis · 15/12/2013 10:33

These days I think it is more about going out to buy new stuff

IIRC it started as a swap didn't it?

Sparklingbrook · 15/12/2013 10:35

I agree SPB. What is supposed to be a nice thing seems to be creating a lot of overthinking, worry and bad feeling. Ans MNHQ have spent ages trying to organise it-they started it months ago. I feel bad for them more than anyone else.

I don't remember there being all these threads about it last year though.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 10:39

I just think it creates a big divide, when the focus is on buying gifts and spending money, as opposed to donating.

It immediately distinguished between those who can afford to take part in donating, and those who cant. I think there are lots of mumsnetters who have things they can give, and could take part if they did not feel the pressure to spend so much money.

Now it is like a wealthy mc mumsnetters chance to feel good about themselves, rather than a mutual secret santa where everybody can take part.

And then you have people like the op (and me to be honest) who feel a bit saddened that we could not keep up and buy so much, and therefore our gifts are not appreciated. Not perhaps so much with the lack of thank you, as reading the thread where all the fab gifts are outlined, thinking "my donation was crap", and "why take part when I cant afford to spend more on a stranger than I can spend on my own children"

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 10:39

I do, I remember a thread started by someone who was upset about not being nominated. The thing is whatever mumsnet do, someone will complain/whinge/feel left out.

On the whole, this is a nice thing!

You nominate people you feel deserve it/ have given fantastic advice/ generally been lovely or whatever.

You offer to send someone anonymous a small gift or some tokens (it doesn't matter how much).

I don't see what everyone is getting there knickers in a twist over!

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 10:40

their not there.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 10:40

Sparklingbrook there was.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 10:42

well I totally disagree, last year (2012) my life was so black, I had been through a nightmare, the kindness of strangers kept me going and to a degree alive

I had a secret mumsnet santa and it really lifted me - not what was in it, but being nominated, receiving something in the post.

This year has had its peaks and troughs, some really black parts some amazing parts, but being nominated (despite a million name changes) and receiving gifts has really lifted things again.

There will always be some people who are unhappy no matter what happens and how things are run, why spoil it for everyone.

I didn't send a gift, so as a pay it forward I reserved a place for a homeless person through the crisis christmas appeal.

Its a wonderful thing.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 10:42

When did it change from being good quality preloved gifts, to NEW stuff and vouchers?

Isnt that where it goes wrong? Isnt that where the divide between those who can afford to take part and those who cant?

Now, this is all in good humour, but is it not like Radiaid, African Aid to Norway, now? Wink

Sparklingbrook · 15/12/2013 10:44

Oh I must have missed them Quint. I thought this was a new thing stressing about the MN appeal. Sad

BIWI · 15/12/2013 10:52

comfortnjoy - you have done a lovely thing by sending someone a gift. And MNHQ will have deliberately matched you up precisely on the basis of what you offered to give.

Please don't feel sad about it. Someone is getting a gift that they wouldn't otherwise have been getting, and it was given out of the generosity of your heart. What could be more Christmassy?

And as to the rest of you, complaining that it's about how much money is spent - who on earth said it was about that? Some people spend a lot, some people don't. Some people buy new, some people send second hand things. I've always sent new stuff because my children are older than most of the people I've been matched up with.

The only people who are making it competitive are those who are moaning about it. MNHQ don't do that.

If you don't like the idea of the Christmas Appeal, don't take part. But stop bloody moaning about something which is so lovely. And just think, for one moment, about how SandyMN must feel to hear all this carping, after all the hard work that she puts into it. You should all be ashamed.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/12/2013 10:53

Quint, i agree. It would be better to state second hand items only or a cap of say £10 if wanting to buy chocolate etc. Its now all very out of hand and lots of nominees likely have more money than some donating. A small secret santa would be better, would stop the sob stories or posters nominating their friends and put a limit on what people spend.

Only took part once and MN had to find out if the parcel had been delivered for me as no acknowledgment and not returned from the post office. Wasnt worth the time or effort i spent in finding the right items, wrapping, posting etc. I just give the school fair the extra now as easier and i know it benefits the children.

Xmas2013SantaC1103 · 15/12/2013 10:56
BIWI · 15/12/2013 10:56

The Christmas Appeal is to benefit those people who have been nominated. Not to make you, as a donor, feel better/smug about yourself.

ReluctantBeing · 15/12/2013 11:01

In my original application I said I'd buy something for the mum, and a toy and item of clothing for a kiddie. When I got my match, there were actually a few kids, so I got them a smaller gift each so they all had a little something. It wasn't a big amount of cash that I spent, but I did enjoy my day shopping and choosing things and then wrapping them, and I am sure they brightened up someone's day.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 11:14

Second hand items could also benefit the recipients, and more people could take part.

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 11:15

Agree with BIWI, I couldn't give a monkeys how much other people are spending or what they are giving. I am not well off, I have sent a small gift. I am not worried about a thankyou, because it isn't about me.

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 11:16

Is there a rule saying that it can't be second hand?

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:17

I had a huge box of next size clothes last year - who says second hand isnt ok - or home made, I don't know why people are getting so hung up on this - what people give is up to the giver and I am sure is really welcomed.

This thread is sad, a lot of effort and thought has gone into this.

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