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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know iabu but just feel this way. christmas present related.

100 replies

scottishbelle78 · 14/12/2013 15:29

I am one of 6 children so I have lots of people to buy for. I treat each sibling as a unit ie sis, bil and dc and spend roughly the same on each. Within each unit I tried to spend a similar amount on each person.
Dh has a mum, sister and bil to buy for. He spends more on his mum and sister but less on bil. Although bil also gets gifts from our dc.
His mum and sis are obv buying for more people so I understand they will spend less but they spend significant ly more on dh than they do on me and dc.
I know it is there choice but I just feel that it is fairer to treat everyone equally. It is the way my family always do it especially my late mum who didn't spend vast amounts but always treated everyone equally.
So probably not aibu as I know I am but more interested in how other families do it.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 14/12/2013 15:33

We dont buy for adults or children past 18.

It's taken me a long time to whittle down excessive present buying.

Even with 'legacy' friends of my DM & MIL I managed to get them down to the The Mutual Swapping Of the Biscuit Tins!

I understand they will spend less but they spend significant ly more on dh than they do on me and dc.

I would not have expected my MIL to spend on me what she would spend on GCs or her own children. TBH, Both you and DP should be past present giving now. The focus should be on the children.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 14/12/2013 15:34

I'm oldest of 7 then have mum, dad, stepdad and dads girlfriend to buy for.

I don't spend equal amounts but I do get something they will like.

Poppylovescheese · 14/12/2013 15:37

YABU and ridiculous. I wouldn't expect MIL to buy for me let alone send an equal amount as on her own dc and dvc.

Meow75 · 14/12/2013 15:39

"TBH, Both you and DP should be past present giving now. The focus should be on the children."

Oh FFS!!! Once you turn 18, people don't deserve presents anymore?!?!

Everyone needs to feel that their friends and family appreciate them. Culturally, we often do this by giving gifts. Don't make the OP feel bad for trying to appreciate her adults relatives, or want to be appreciated in return.

TobyLerone · 14/12/2013 15:40

I'm one of 4 siblings. 2 of us have partners. Then there's my grandad and my mum.

So we do Secret Santa every year. £60 per person. Pick a name out of a hat. Just buy for them. It's awesome.

For nieces/nephews, my siblings and I put in £10 per child (our own excluded) and get them something from all of us (if that makes sense!)

DH buys for his mum, stepdad and stepdad's parents (just a token for them).

That's it. No presents to or from extended family.

attheendoftheday · 14/12/2013 15:41

We spend the same on adults, but sometimes a bit more on children. We don't differenciate between blood relatives and not. Dp's mum does, I find it best to ignore. It rankles not because of the monetary value, but the lack of thought (i either get nothing or a fiver in a card, dp gets proper presents), and because it's generally me who sorts her presents out.

Or you could suggest stopping exchanging presents? This is my plan for next year. We're having an early christmas this weekend with dmil, dbil, dsil and their kids. Typically (and not for the first time) not a single person has got me a present. It isn't that I'm Granby (honestly!) it's that I feel like I'm not considered part of the family.

HoFuckingHoFuckingHoneydragon · 14/12/2013 15:42

Mil spends more on gc's than children, then spends the same on SiL, dh and myself.
I usually get more than dh though because I'm MiLs favourite Xmas Wink

anotherchristmasnamechange · 14/12/2013 15:42

We don't do presents for adults - I don't receive any presents, and neither does dh! I'd much rather people bought things for the children. And if parents in law did buy for me, I'd expect it to be a joint present withb DH tbh.

attheendoftheday · 14/12/2013 15:43

I meant grabby. I'm not Granby either.

BohemianGirl · 14/12/2013 15:48

Once you turn 18, people don't deserve presents anymore?!?!

You got it Grin saves a whole lot of shopping hell

Seeing as the OP is all upset because her prezzie wasnt monetarily equal to her partners, I'm afraid it just sounds like a child whining "S'not fair" and foot stamping.

Let me think - what was the meaning off Christmas again? Season of Good Will wasn't it?

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 15:50

I think YANBU to feel a little miffed, especially if she's not paying out equal amounts for your children.

My MIL is generous to a fault but spends more on both our boys than on either of us, and I'm ok with that.

lackingimagination · 14/12/2013 15:52

So you expect your MIL to spend the same on you as her DC - YADBU. And stop looking at gifts for their monetary value anyway.

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 14/12/2013 15:53

YANBU

My MIL so ands the same on me as she does with her son and so does my father.

I think they spend more on the children, especially since we bought in the £10 per adult limit

CocktailQueen · 14/12/2013 15:59

Yanbu - I think it's rude if your mil to spend vastly differing amounts on your pressie and dh's one.

And I am a grown-up and still like getting presents, thanks!! Christmas is not just about the children...

And we spend the same in my parents, dis, bil and mil.

Kundry · 14/12/2013 15:59

I'm slightly in your DH's position being from a small family married to someone in a bigger family.

I don't see everyone as an equal unit. I see my mum as a massive unit as she is my whole family, similarly DH. My total present buying budget only ever had to be split 2 ways and to cut it down now would be emotionally very hard, esp as my dad died last year. It would almost feel like penalising me for having a small family - to me my family is not small, it's just right.

I can see DH's parents as a unit and I'm quite happy for DH to spend whatever he likes on them, similarly his siblings. Nephews and neices all get an identical budget but they are tiny and it's fun to buy kid's Christmas presents. But however much I try, I can't see his siblings' partners as an identical unit, he simply isn't close to them and we are just buying token gifts (loving The Mutual Swapping of The Biscuit Tins Grin). Similarly I'd be perfectly happy for none of them, or his parents to buy me a gift - after all their primary relationship is with DH.

So while you may see everyone as equally important to you, it's very likley that other members of your family, and definitely your DH's, don't see it this way at all.

I keep hoping we can do a present cull but DH won't hear of it.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 16:01

I think some posters are missing that the OP's MIL spends less on her DGC than her own son as well:
"they will spend less but they spend significantly more on dh than they do on me and dc."

I would imagine the OP is more pissed off that her own children (ILs grandchildren) are being second-rated, than herself.

GoldenGytha · 14/12/2013 16:05

How about this OP?

Last year (and every year) I got a bag of loo rolls, and other kitchen stuff from my mother (scrubbing pads, washing up liquid, bin bags)

My brother got a full Highland Kilt outfit which costs hundreds, if not £1000.

But because I'm the poor single parent on disability benefits I must have useful, practical stuff. I'm not even allowed to have a book, because "You have too many books, and that's not practical Golden"!

I love books, and would much rather have a 20p paperback from a charity shop than a bag of loo rolls.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 14/12/2013 16:06

I think you just have to 'go with the flow' of what each family does and 'fit in' with their ways, whilst making your own traditions with your own children (and subsequently their partners and children).

I would try to explain what my family do - but it's complicated!... and actually irrelevant!

It's a bit like 'wills' - it's not easy to be fair!

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 16:06

What did your DC get, Golden?

Kundry · 14/12/2013 16:11

GC- depends on so many things. Maybe they only spend a small amount on all the GC, maybe the GC are still v little and they think they won't appreciate it, maybe they are interested in older children or adults...

Don't think you can read too much into it on what OP has said. I wouldn't see it as especially unusual for someone to buy their children (even adult children) more than their GCs. It's just different families doing things differently. However the loo roll example would drive me insane.

GoldenGytha · 14/12/2013 16:13

She's ok with the DC presents Thumbs

They get £20 each, which is great, they can buy what they want, and I'm not grabby, I don't worry about presents for myself, I just don't want a bag of loo rolls!

Especially as my mother makes it clear to me that only a gift of cash is acceptable to her, and she says that for every Christmas, Birthday and Mother's Day.

alemci · 14/12/2013 16:14

that's truly awful. if you are on benefit etc wouldn't it be nice to have some
lovely luxury things bought for u as you can't afford to buy them yourself.

I am sure you can run to every day stuff you described.

also don't agree with spending differing amounts on your own dc. how unfairConfused

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2013 16:15

I can understand not wanting a bag of loo rolls! Xmas Grin
Perhaps you should re-gift some of them her way as you're clearly too hard up Hmm to give her cash. What a strange double standard she has!

alemci · 14/12/2013 16:16

sorry misread your post but even if you were on benefits the same thoughts would apply.

ImperialBlether · 14/12/2013 16:17

Well, I would say that only a gift of cash was acceptable to me, too!