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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know iabu but just feel this way. christmas present related.

100 replies

scottishbelle78 · 14/12/2013 15:29

I am one of 6 children so I have lots of people to buy for. I treat each sibling as a unit ie sis, bil and dc and spend roughly the same on each. Within each unit I tried to spend a similar amount on each person.
Dh has a mum, sister and bil to buy for. He spends more on his mum and sister but less on bil. Although bil also gets gifts from our dc.
His mum and sis are obv buying for more people so I understand they will spend less but they spend significant ly more on dh than they do on me and dc.
I know it is there choice but I just feel that it is fairer to treat everyone equally. It is the way my family always do it especially my late mum who didn't spend vast amounts but always treated everyone equally.
So probably not aibu as I know I am but more interested in how other families do it.

OP posts:

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 14/12/2013 22:50

For all of you saying the OP is being unreasonable does it work in reverse

Do you spend more on your own mum than you spend on your partners mum?

I'm just curious because we spend the same (ish) on all four parents

GoldenGytha · 14/12/2013 22:54

I have considered that quite a few times alemci

It took me years to realise that my childhood was abusive, and I went from that into an abusive marriage, now divorced, thank god, but I always thought it was me who was in the wrong, I realise now that I was conditioned from an early age to think that.

She doesn't really bring anything to my life except stress, and more criticism, and I actually see them very, very little, not quite NC, but not far from it.

I am in a much better place now though, than even this time last year, and am hoping for even better for 2014.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 14/12/2013 22:54

Well yes rufus

DP buys his mum's gift, I contribute some towards it and he adds more as he see's fit, if he wants to get her a more expensive one then he'll do so.

Just as I do with mine

alemci · 14/12/2013 22:58

golden I hope that 2014 is good for you. thanks for your openness

Moreisnnogedag · 14/12/2013 23:07

Of course my mil spends more on DH than me and I know she loves me. She always gets thoughtful gifts though. I'd be pretty cheesed if they spent more on my DS because that would equate to an awful lot of stuff for a 3 year old. My own mom is only getting him clothes as he doesn't need anymore toys.

Kundry · 14/12/2013 23:24

Rufus - as I said up thread of course I spend more on my mum than my MIL. My mum gets a properly thought out present from me, MIL gets a box of chocs. As of next year she is getting nothing as DH is taking responsibility for her present (and all presents on his side of the family).

Neither would I expect her to get me anything at all and if she did, I'd be quite happy for it to cost less than what she buys DH. Because realistically, we are never going to love each other in the way she loves DH or I love my mum (actually if I could stand her for more than 5 min that would be progress but I'd feel the same if I loved her).

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 15/12/2013 00:57

Oh GoldenGytha that is just shit

Why do you give her money?

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 15/12/2013 05:23

Gosh golden. How awful. Well mumnet can always be relied upon to help you put your own problrms in perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 15/12/2013 05:25

By that I mean me feeling sorry for myself ecause I miss my mum so much this time of the year. Makes me realise how lucky I was to have so many happy years.

OP posts:

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 15/12/2013 06:14

:( Golden - she sounds bloody awful. Was she treated the same way by her own parents?

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 15/12/2013 10:43

kundry I think as always different families do different things

And that's obviously ok, it would be very boring otherwise and where would mumsnet be!!!

I met my husband at 17 and have been married for 23 years, our money has always been pooled and both sets of parents have always treated us the same

MIL loves her son more than me obviously, she thinks he works too hard and does too much for me

Obviously prices of presents must differ but they are nearly the same or bloody similar, it would be a huge difference that might be upsetting.

But after all what's his is definitely mine

Hope you all have a good Christmas, especially you golden, what sort of books do you like?

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 15/12/2013 10:45

scottish I agree! and the worst thing is I always see stuff in the shops at Christmas and think ooooh she'd love that!

GoldenGytha · 15/12/2013 11:51

Thanks everyone for your kind wishes, means a lot

No Thumb Her parents were not like that at all, my lovely Gran (her mother) made my childhood bearable, my Grandad died when I was 5, so only hazy memories of him, but I adored my Gran, she was wonderful.

Still miss her nearly 16 years after her death.

fishybits · 15/12/2013 12:04

DH has a big family and presents are done for each person from a family unit. There's a price limit of £30 per adult and £15 per child agreed between the siblings. The Grandparents spend about £80 per person as they have more disposable income than the rest of us.

It's a great system that stops favouritism and greed. Best of all it's affordable for everyone.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 15/12/2013 12:17

Golden, that's just even sadder then. SHe doesn't even have an excuse to have been such an almighty bitch to you. Glad you had your gran.

WooWooOwl · 15/12/2013 12:18

I can't see anything wrong with what the mil is doing in this situation.

It doesn't matter if she spends more on her own son than she does on her grandchildren. Her grandchildren have their own parents to buy presents for them.

It's true that families just do things in different ways, and neither is right or wrong, it's just different. Part of getting married is accepting another families ways of doing things into your life, and people should I do that graciously instead of thinking that their own families way is better than their partners just because that's what they are used to.

ilovepowerhoop · 15/12/2013 12:33

I buy stuff for my family and dh buys for his. I dont really know how much he spends but he probably gives them more (in value) than I do for my family but I think he tries to compensate as he lives over 300 miles away from them and we dont see them that often.

sparklysilversequins · 15/12/2013 12:40

I cannot stand this adults shouldn't be bothered about presents crap. Who says? I'm in my late thirties and I like presents and surprises as much as the next person. So much so that I give my children money and get their aunt to take them Christmas shopping for me, thus preventing the debacle of the year that ds purchased lego Hogwarts Express for me!

I'm on my own with my dc and I work bloody hard, I deserve a bit of joy and to rip paper off a few pretty things once a year thanks very much.

GoldenGytha · 15/12/2013 13:25

Thumb

I have no idea why she is as she is, her sister is nothing like this, and neither was her brother (deceased)

Going to my Gran's was always a wonderful escape.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2013 14:16

Golden

My mum was very much like that with me when I was young,your Cinderella post struck a chord with me.

She used to actually call me that if I mentioned it.

I have a friend whose broke shes my best friend and I admit I do get her loo rolls cleaning stuff dishwasher tabs and the like for birthdays and Christmas but in my defence that's what she asks me for and on top of that I always give her money so she can get Christmas dinner with no worries and I take her girls to choose her a lovely gift that obviously I pay for, I can't imagine just giving loo rolls to someone.

op a gift is just that, its not a entitlement nor should it be expected people can buy them or not as they wish and what they spend should not matter

GoldenGytha · 15/12/2013 14:31

Sock

You are absolutely lovely, and what you do for your friend and her girls is just amazing.

Such a lovely and kind thing to do, your friend is lucky to have you as her friend

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 15/12/2013 17:23

Golden I just wanted to wish you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful 2014.

GoldenGytha · 15/12/2013 18:53

Thank You ThePIE

That's lovely of you to say that, and my best wishes to you too,

In fact, Best Wishes to everyone on this thread, Mumsnetters are an amazing bunch, youre not a bad nest of vipers at all

Original poster

scottishbelle78 · 16/12/2013 00:40

You know I always accepted that inlaws do things differently. Ie being expected to produce a list of present you would like in november. I think I am judt starting to question things as my family always did things differently. They maay not spend as much but put thought into gifts. I guess all this is about missing mg parents especially my mum. I was so lucky to have her.

OP posts:

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 16/12/2013 01:33

I have never quite cracked my IL's thinking they used to spend quite a lot on quite a few random bits then, suddenly it was "We're going to spend it on the GC", so, last year I got day and night wrinkle cream and face wipes (my DM made a at that and said was too young for wrinkle cream) and the GCs get the not-quite-thought-through-enough multi-presents. In my family, we have an amount we spend outside of our own spouse/children and it works really well and is no biggy. The GPs spend a bit more (but fairly) and we either make lists or ask parents/spouses in order get appropriate gifts. I continue to try and buy thoughtful presents for anyone we feel it appropriate to give to.

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