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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow my daughter to stay with my MiL?

80 replies

Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 16:28

DD is 12 and is coeliac.

MiL has made it quite clear on several occasions that she think's it all "nonsense" and "in my day we didn't have all these allergies" or "it's just an excuse to be a fussy eater".

She thinks I "pander" to my daughter when I should just make her eat what she's given or go without.

She wants both DDs to stay with her for just short of a week over the Christmas holidays, given the above, I'm reluctant to allow my daughter to stay with her without DH or I as I don't trust her to keep to DD's gluten free diet.

DD is pretty good at managing her own diet but only to a certain extent, she knows to check labels and stuff and on the whole knows what she can and can't have, but with things like main meals, she has to have GF bread, etc, it is all a bit beyond her control

Add the 2 x 400 mile round trips to drop them off/pick them up because MiL won't meet us half way or do one trip, and the fact that neither girl wants to go I've said no, but MiL is massively kicking off, and as luck would have it, DH is away for work for the next few days Hmm

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 13/12/2013 16:29

YAcertainlyNBU. Your MiL is an ignorant idiot. Who is going to benefit from this short break. Certainly not by the sounds of things, your DD.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 13/12/2013 16:30

Under those circumstances I wouldn't let them go either.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 13/12/2013 16:31

Just on the basis that neither dd wants to go, yanbu.

Zipadeedoodah · 13/12/2013 16:32

Nope - no way

NinjaBunny · 13/12/2013 16:32

There was a thread on here a while back where an 'aunt' had given a child with a nut allergy a walnut whip and the child almost died.

'Aunt' didn't believe in allergies and was trying to prove a point.

If you can't trust her with your child then that's that. She can't go.

Surely MiL is sensible enough to understand that??

greenfolder · 13/12/2013 16:32

the fact that neither of them wants to go would be enough for me. too far at a time of year when weather is uncertain and they want to be at home, lay in bed til late and watch some rubbish on TV in peace. leave them be! (I am a slattern of a parent though)

Bloodyteenagers · 13/12/2013 16:33

They don't want to go. End of discussion.
Does she want you to tie and gag them, before chucking them in the boot of the car?

Pancakeflipper · 13/12/2013 16:34

Yanbu.

My MIL doesn't believe DS2 has a dairy intolerance so when looking after him for an hour fed him 2 Freddos. She thinks we are being drama queens. But I think she's coming round to the idea, 20mins later when he exploded over her cream carpet and cream sofa.

DamnBamboo · 13/12/2013 16:35

Your MIL in an idiot.
Perhaps you can give her some information on coealic disease and show her images of an undiagnosed person who is pretty poorly so she 'gets it'

You can also say, whilst you choose to remain so ignorant to this, you will not be having any unsupervised contact with my kids!

What a nasty old lady.

DamnBamboo · 13/12/2013 16:36

Any anyway, if they don't want to go, then they don't want to go. I would have hated my mum if she did that to me when I was a kid.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 16:39

Yanbu. if she can't take it seriously and you can't trust her then absolutely not!!!

And well if they don't want to go then why force them :)

SirChenjin · 13/12/2013 16:39

Nope - YANBU. Tell her that the DCs have too much on to come and visit her this year.

PuppyMonkey · 13/12/2013 16:39

Don't answer her calls, don't answer the door, go out and be completely unavailable all week - she can kick off all she likes while you lot get on with your lives.

dreamingofsun · 13/12/2013 16:42

we declined a similar offer because we didn't want to do the long drive both ways. its a lot of work for you when its only the MIL that benefits from this.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 16:43

Ninjabunny and pancakeflipper - that's the kind of thing I'm worried about. She thinks it's all stuff and nonsense and even blood tests/biopsy won't convince her otherwise so I wouldn't put it past her to feed DD toast just to prove a point.

We are making the journey up to visit everyone just after Christmas for a couple so she can see the DDs then, but she wants them to stay on for a few more days - we are already making 1 round trip, I just don't want to do the second.

She doesn't like that we'll be staying with my parents but she lives in a very lovely but very tiny little cottage stuffed full of nick nacks and china dolls and there's me, DH, DD1, DD2, our foster child and the dog so there's no room for us all (plus she's been an utter bitch about our FC and refuses to include her in anything)

Both girls have stayed with her in the past, a couple of years ago, they had an OK time and would probably take it on the chin if I insisted they went (which I won't), I just don't trust her

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/12/2013 16:44

No way I would send them.

dreamingofsun · 13/12/2013 16:44

she may not be being intentionally nasty, she might just be a bit thick

scottishmummy · 13/12/2013 16:44

Cannot understand why a relative would wilfully ignore recognised condition?
If you don't trust mil to comply with dietary requirement don't send dd
This isn't a taste preference,it's you've mil needs to respect the dietary restrictions

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 16:46

Also, she's not particularly old-old - fit and healthy in her early 60s with a DH who can drive, no mobility or financial difficulties so no reason why she can't do some of the journey

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 13/12/2013 16:48

Not a snowballs chance in hell any child of mine would be going where their medically diagnosed condition was ignored.

scottishmummy · 13/12/2013 16:48

If you doubt mil judgement,then. Don't send your daughter
But Do have cards on table frank talk about mil need to adhere to diet
What your dh think of this attitude from your mil

iheartdusty · 13/12/2013 16:50

and she is a bitch to your FC?

your DDs' fellow family member?

NO WAY would any of them be going.

I doubt I would even be visiting.

pianodoodle · 13/12/2013 16:53

YANBU at all plus they don't even want to stay so that would be enough for me!

From how she is with your foster child I wouldn't even be going at all.

eggsandwich · 13/12/2013 16:54

Personally I would say at the age of 12 she has some say as to whether she wants to go or not, I too would also be hesitant to let her go given the fact that Mil is not prepared to meet her dietary requirements and would point this out to Mil, my dd is 11 and only very occasionally does she visit her gran who she is not very close to anyway, not through our doing I might add.

notanotherusername1 · 13/12/2013 16:56

Your Mother sounds just like mine. She says the same and thinks PND is also on the 'utter rubbish' list. Angry

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