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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow my daughter to stay with my MiL?

80 replies

Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 16:28

DD is 12 and is coeliac.

MiL has made it quite clear on several occasions that she think's it all "nonsense" and "in my day we didn't have all these allergies" or "it's just an excuse to be a fussy eater".

She thinks I "pander" to my daughter when I should just make her eat what she's given or go without.

She wants both DDs to stay with her for just short of a week over the Christmas holidays, given the above, I'm reluctant to allow my daughter to stay with her without DH or I as I don't trust her to keep to DD's gluten free diet.

DD is pretty good at managing her own diet but only to a certain extent, she knows to check labels and stuff and on the whole knows what she can and can't have, but with things like main meals, she has to have GF bread, etc, it is all a bit beyond her control

Add the 2 x 400 mile round trips to drop them off/pick them up because MiL won't meet us half way or do one trip, and the fact that neither girl wants to go I've said no, but MiL is massively kicking off, and as luck would have it, DH is away for work for the next few days Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 18:31

Nope, just said she'd be speaking to DH.

Like I'm some naughty girl who needs a talking to Hmm

It's not going to happen

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

craftysewer · 13/12/2013 18:43

My dd has been diagnosed coeliac this year. She is 18, but if she had been the same age as your daughter and my mil was behaving like this, I would not be letting her go to stay. Besides the immediate problem following her being 'glutened', you also need to consider the long term effects of the villii having to recover again. I'll be honest, this is something I wasn't even aware of before dd was diagnosed. Don't allow all your good work to be undone. Well done for standing your ground.

OddFodd · 13/12/2013 18:46

she's lucky you visit at all. She sounds utterly toxic

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 13/12/2013 18:50

YANBU.

Have you told her that the effects of a coeliac eating gluten are cumulative not just immediate? Does she know it can cause malnutrition (because of the way the gut lining is coated, not enough nutrients can be absorbed - my DSD had big issues with this before diagnosis) and apparently can also increase risk of bowel cancer, IIRC (I may not have the details right - it's several years since my DSD and DH were diagnosed and thankfully we haven't had any ignorant twats to deal with, so am a bit sketchy)

I'd be laying on the guilt trip pretty hugely about the fact she clearly doesn't care about her GD's health.

And I'd still say a big fat NO to the visit.

IrisWildthyme · 13/12/2013 18:52

Of course you shouldn't make your DDs go if they don't want to. That would be a terrible idea.

If a some point in the future they do want to go, then you would not be unreasonable to still refuse until such time as your MiL understands the seriousness of coeliacs disease and agrees to stick to the gluten free diet rigidly.

If she does agree to that, and your DDs want to go, I think I would consider still refusing as long as MiL was being a bitch about your foster child, what a horrible message to send a child that they were a second-class member of the family!

If you can get over all that - then you can get around the 2-round-trips thing by going for a short visit as a whole family, then you and DH take off for a lovely little bijoux gettaway retreat somewhere nearly for a couple of days of restful time together, while the kids stay with grandma, and everyone has a lovely time.

Somehow I doubt this would happen, but you could explain that that would be the only scenrio you envisage agreeing to.

Reastie · 13/12/2013 18:55

Yanbu how annoying. Does she want the villi of your dd damaged by eating gluten so she cannot absorb nutrients as well?!

defineme · 13/12/2013 18:55

Bad people do not deserve good things:I'm not usually so black and white, but you're being saints visiting them for the day. You are letting your dds see them-that's more than enough.
The foster child hideousness is enough of a reason to permanently break contact.
The gluten free and car travel is just additional nonsense.
I feel really sorry for your dh and you and fc.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 13/12/2013 18:58

Just to agree YADNBU. Coeliac disease is not a fad. Eating gluten in those circumstances can do permanent damage. If you can't trust MIL 100% then your DD can't stay with her. Simples.

It's great your DH backs the same sane line.

jeanmiguelfangio · 13/12/2013 19:01

What a horrible woman!! Don't blame you for not wanting to talk to her anymore!! My husband is DF and it is surprising how many people ignore it, or pretend its not real, he was diagnosed in his early 20s but he has had it from a child undiagnosed.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas OP and your DC (all of them)

Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2013 19:04

My MIL fed my CMP intolerant DS milk and then refused to allow me to use the washing machine to clean his clothes. Hence she rarely sees the DC's now.

I'd be telling her the real reason why they are not going, you never know it might make her think.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 19:07

Yes, I've told her over and over about the effects of eating gluten when you're coeliac but she doesn't listen. I've printed stuff off the Internet, DH's sister has even tried to have a word but because the effect isn't always instant and she hasn't witnessed DD collapse, writhing in agony the second bread passes her lips she thinks it's silly.

She does, accept peanut allergies because she once witnessed a friend collapse with anaphalapic shock.

The foster child thing is really hard to come up with a solution, I already ask a lot of my kids since we've been fostering and they've had to make a lot of sacrifices. Not seeing grandparents, who despite all this, they do live and enjoy spending time with is one thing I can't ask them. We came up with a solution which made everyone happy last year, our FC is quite shy around new people and she knows I don't really like MiL so we had a day out shopping and a nice lunch with my mum so we'll do the same this year.

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perfectstorm · 13/12/2013 19:09

She wants contact with the kids for her, not for them. She's vile to their foster sister, won't put herself out one iota for their visit, and is capable of causing serious risk to one of their's health. And she treats their mother like shit beneath her feet.

She pretty much defines toxic, right down to the spite, tears, involving her husband in her drama and absolute inability to even see others have feelings and needs, much less care about them. Honestly, I do think you're being unreasonable. I think you're being unreasonable in agreeing to have anything to do with her! Your poor husband, having that for a mother.

perfectstorm · 13/12/2013 19:11

Cross-post. I do see the point, and if your FC knows you think she's a daft bat and you can have fun together, and your kids are small enough not to despise see through their grandmother, then that sounds a good compromise. Just bloody awful you have to tolerate this nonsense from a grown woman, though.

GreatBigBloomers · 13/12/2013 19:14

TBH I think your DH should have made it much clearer much earlier than now about your DD's illness rather than leaving it to you and your SIL. I know that it shouldn't be necessary, and that you as her DM should be able to give clear instructions, but if she thinks that ringing your DH will somehow bypass your instructions then perhaps he is the one who should be telling her exactly how it is. In no uncertain terms. Why has he let his DM behave so badly for so long?

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 19:21

Oh, he's been involved with it all along, to be fair I should have said we've. I've just got all the shit today as he's away for a few days.

Perfect. That's pretty much how we do it. FC doesn't know, and never will know, how MiL feels. We live in the arse end of nowhere so grabs the opportunity to hit Primark with both hands.

It's not anything personal with our FC, Mil doesn't agree with us fostering and doesn't approve so refuses to have anything to do with it. She's been an utter cow about it

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BusWanker · 13/12/2013 19:35

Doesn't agree with fostering?! Why the fuck not. Selfish mare.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/12/2013 19:37

We have somehow acquired a foster child, we found out yesterday she would be with us for christmas. Grandparents are going shopping tomorrow with ds2 specifically for her. I can't believe that anyone would do any different.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 19:41

She was worried about the affect fostering would have on our children. She though it would be detrimental for them and was concerned that we'd end up with some out of control, violent teenage smashing our house up and beating up the kids.

Which is fair enough and my parents were worried too at the beginning but accepted that we werent stupid and were going into it with our eyes open.

MiL was furious as she felt we were disobeying her

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/12/2013 19:43

your MIL is a bitch.

stubbornstains · 13/12/2013 19:44

It makes you wonder what coeliacs did do, "in her day". Eat bread and cakes until they died from the complications? Horrible.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/12/2013 19:45

I can understand the fear thing, but surely she is used to the idea by now.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 13/12/2013 19:47

No way on this earth would any child of mine with an allergy be allowed to stay over somewhere where their dietary requirements was likely to be ignored, whether it was family or not.
Not a CHANCE. I have food intolerances and know how horrible they can make you feel. Not to mention how they can be life threatening in others.
If your MIL can't see that, then that's her problem - but she has to accept she won't get her gc overnight if she can't stick to the rules to keep her safe and healthy!

RandomMess · 13/12/2013 19:48

Sounds like it is all about control, she expects her son and his wife to do what she wants ALL the time.

Not fostering, delivering GC when it suits her etc. etc.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 19:49

Dawndonna - my family are the same, all the kids are treated equally.

My Gran even sends her the same £1 a week pocket money she sends my 2.

With DH's sisters we only buy for the kids, and they've all included her too.

I don't understand the woman, I think she'd rather cut off her own nose to spite her face sometimes, she just can't back down from an argument.

We're not stupid, I keep my eye out and as horrible as it sounds, my own kids do have to come first but she won't accept that we're not silly and are capable of making our own decisions. We know that fostering is tough and it's not always going to be some fairy tale ending with everyone skipping off into the sunset but we can handle that and she needs give us credit where credit is due.

But she won't, all she sees is that we didn't listen to her 'advice'

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