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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow my daughter to stay with my MiL?

80 replies

Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 16:28

DD is 12 and is coeliac.

MiL has made it quite clear on several occasions that she think's it all "nonsense" and "in my day we didn't have all these allergies" or "it's just an excuse to be a fussy eater".

She thinks I "pander" to my daughter when I should just make her eat what she's given or go without.

She wants both DDs to stay with her for just short of a week over the Christmas holidays, given the above, I'm reluctant to allow my daughter to stay with her without DH or I as I don't trust her to keep to DD's gluten free diet.

DD is pretty good at managing her own diet but only to a certain extent, she knows to check labels and stuff and on the whole knows what she can and can't have, but with things like main meals, she has to have GF bread, etc, it is all a bit beyond her control

Add the 2 x 400 mile round trips to drop them off/pick them up because MiL won't meet us half way or do one trip, and the fact that neither girl wants to go I've said no, but MiL is massively kicking off, and as luck would have it, DH is away for work for the next few days Hmm

OP posts:
greenfolder · 13/12/2013 16:59

Oh lord, doubly yanbu.

SirChenjin · 13/12/2013 17:02

My MIL thinks that gay people 'just want to be fashionable'. She is a loon.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2013 17:04

(plus she's been an utter bitch about our FC and refuses to include her in anything)

Have you posted about this before?

Why are you having anything to do with her at all? Surely the visit will be a little tense?

Shesalwaysright · 13/12/2013 17:09

Poor FC. I know many and surely surely, any other child with the family should be treated same way as others, regardless of parentage?

My MIL is not always to my taste but she makes superb efforts to try to include step children, step nephews, my SILs' mother, none of whom are relations on the standard sense. In many ways she's a brick (even though she irritates the hell out of me) and she wouldn't dream of feeding any of them banned food. Thank you OP. You have given me a sense of perspective about my own kind and well meaning SIL.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 17:17

Sorry, didn't mean to disappear, had a child drama.

With MiL and FC it's really hard to know what's best for all concerned really. My kids do like so see their grandma and their cousins, aunts, uncles. I already ask quite a lot of my girls so I can't ask them to sacrifice seeing their family for my FC's sake. Last year my Mum and I took FC out shopping while DH took our DDs to see his family which worked out well, so we'll probably do the same this year.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 13/12/2013 17:20

Noway, your dd health and well being is of paramount importance!

RubyGoat · 13/12/2013 17:22

No way. I know someone who is coeliac. She was diagnosed after a period of some months illness. Symptoms obviously cleared up when she addressed the cause of the problem. She was doing really well, avoiding everything. Fancied some bread one day, she thought one slice couldn't do that much harm. Wakes up over an hour later, while she is being put into the ambulance - her 6 year old DD had rung 999 when mummy passed out. She was fine in the end, but she has never done it again.

Lottapianos · 13/12/2013 17:22

You are so far from unreasonable OP. She sounds demented and extremely controlling. Your DD's health is at risk if she goes. Absolutely no way. Don't indulge the moaning and whining from MIL. You don't owe her this. So sorry you have to deal with this, she sounds truly awful

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 17:26

Thanks

She's just been on my case all day but I just don't trust her.

I don't know, would a grandmother really give her granddaughter something to eat that could make her really ill, just to prove a point?

Given her past comments, I don't trust her, but my own Mum would go to any length possible to make sure her granddaughters were OK

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/12/2013 17:27

Absolutely YANBU - health, travel time, dd's wishes, MIL's attitude to their sibling.

But - what form is the "kicking off" taking? Because I'd be inclined to say "if you're going to make a fuss, I think it would be better if we didn't visit at all" and see what happens.

notthegirlnextdoor · 13/12/2013 17:30

YADNBU. I'm a Coeliac and get fed up of repeating that I am not a fussy eater, its a real thing, etc etc. Its taken me a while to accept that I can't eat gluten any more and am right now paying the price for eating a Pizza Hut earlier and not ordering the GF base. I wouldn't wish this on a kid, its horrible.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 17:32

She's constantly phoning and ranting, then I got step-FiL on the phone telling me how horrible I am for upsetting her. I let the answer-phone deal with her ranting and raving earlier but the last few calls she withheld her number so I picked up the phone (social services, etc all phone from withheld numbers so it could be them)

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/12/2013 17:35

I don't want to inflame things but I'd also be worried that if she gave dd something with gluten and dd was poorly she wouldn't do anything about it, because she'd think dd was just trying to prove a point. So no, YANBU and I wouldn't send them.

One of my dfriends kids has ceoliacs and we are all so careful about what we give him - it's really not hard so it makes my blood boil that she's being such a stupid cow about this...

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2013 17:35

I don't know, would a grandmother really give her granddaughter something to eat that could make her really ill, just to prove a point?

Yes. I know one who refuses to believe her DGD has a milk allergy so gives her yoghurt.

She's got away with it so far... Sad

InTheBEEwitchedWinter · 13/12/2013 17:40

Freddie That sounds like absolutely unacceptable and irrational behaviour, anyway, she sounds like she's throwing her toys out of the pram.

Can you let the answer machine pick up and then answer the phone once you know the phonecall isn't from her?

TisTheSeasonToBeGroupieGirlLaL · 13/12/2013 17:44

JellyBabies has a good suggestion. "Sorry, do you think having a tantrum will get you your own way?" I would never actually have the guts to say that

BusWanker · 13/12/2013 17:48

No. Because of not believing in a allergy that could make a child very ill.
No. Because of not treating all the children in your family equally.
I don't think I could speak to her again let alone send children away with her.

rogueelement · 13/12/2013 17:49

Mum of nut allergic child (also 12)-here. No, you trust the situation. It's not that your MIL would necessarily do anything deliberate, but the chances of your DD eating something that she shouldn't (and your MIL not reacting properly) will be much higher than normal.

We basically say of people, that they either get it or they don't. If they don't get it (any many people don't), then either she can't go, or she can only go for a short time that is heavily pre-planned down to me reading all the packets. Good luck OP, it's tough.

rogueelement · 13/12/2013 17:50

Ooops, I mean you clearly don't trust the situation. If your gut says no. then no it is.

Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 17:52

Bee. No, we have a BT answerphone with the landline so once the answerphone has kicked in, you can't answer it. Social Services are a nightmare and I was waiting on a call and desperate not to miss it.

Their office is closed now so I'm back to letting the answerphone get it

I am so tempted to try the tantrum line Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 17:58

rogue, that's what we've done recently when visiting. A couple of hours, usually planned to not coincide with mealtimes - MiL has never even bought DD a packet of GF biscuits, but no harm done as we're not there long enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddiefrog · 13/12/2013 18:16

Ok, so 2 more calls and I got fed up and picked up.

Told her no meant no and I would not be changing my mind. That she's made her it very obvious that she thinks DD's very real illness is nonsense so I did not think she would be able to adhere to DD's diet

Lots of waterworks but I told her constantly phoning and ranting at me wasn't going to get me to change my mind, so she's phoning DH

He agrees with me so she can knock her socks off

At least I don't have to listen to it all now Grin

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/12/2013 18:26

Good on you, Freddie!

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2013 18:28

So did she not even promise to re-think her attitude? (not that I think you should change your mind!)

Stupid woman.

jellybeans · 13/12/2013 18:30

YANBU and as a coeliac I sympathize because many people do not understand it or take it seriously. I still get offered biscuits and cakes by close family for example. I would decline and instead offer for her to take them out or stay with you.