Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think that we should share houses like lots of British Asian families do

140 replies

ReallyTired · 13/12/2013 12:47

I know several British Asian families where granparents and families live all under the same roof. Provided that there is enough living space it can work well. The extended family can keep an eye on elderly relatives. Having more than one generation living together helps prevent social isolation.

I know lot of elderly British couples or even single people who live in large 4 bed houses. Their adult children (and their children) live in tiny expensive rented accomodiation because they can't afford a mortgage.

I realise that not everyone would want to live with their parents/ inlaws however it does seem such waste of high quality housing. I doult that my parents or inlaws would let us live with them.

I feel the govement should discourage single occupancy of large houses.

OP posts:

MadeOfStarDust · 14/12/2013 08:30

A lot of the time you just have to get on with what circumstance/fate throws at you...

Would I rather live in our little cosy family 4 mum/dad/kids ?- yes, of course....

To do that would I put MIL back at home with the dangers of life that that entails for a lady of advancing years with "memory problems" - dementia when we have space here? No - that would be unfair... so we all just get on with life...

nicename · 14/12/2013 09:31

I suspect for women it is mainly them living with husband's family. I'd love to have lived with my parents but know that they wouldve driven DH batty.

NoComet · 14/12/2013 09:57

How many houses are honestly big enough to do this, until the DCs have left home?

Ours isn't, the third bedroom would be a real squash for two DDs.

Our living room, just manages at Xmas with people sat on the floor.

We have only one bathroom.

MadeOfStarDust · 14/12/2013 10:10

We manage... only one bathroom/toilet... 3 bedrooms - the kids share (not really big enough) - only one room (not really big enough - but hey-ho) + galley kitchen downstairs - it really isn't about space, it is about the boundaries being set and respect being shown to all by all....

just works for some of us.... probably because of circumstance meaning that to NOT do it (in our personal case) would be totally mean spirited

SirChenjin · 14/12/2013 10:14

I think if you have no choice (as in your case MadeOf), then yes, I would - but it would only be out of absolute necessity.

greenfolder · 14/12/2013 10:25

The british asian women that I know do not enjoy living with their husbands families. Quite a few agree that they will live with them for a year before they get their own place.

3littlefrogs · 14/12/2013 10:30

I think it depends what stage you get to.
We had MIL with us for a little while, but when you get to the severe dementia, double incontinence and falling over every hour (and you still have to go to work, and the kids need space and peace to do homework, invite friends round etc) it becomes very difficult.
The guilt laid on by the rest of the family (Asian, not living in this country)when she had to go into a nursing home, is hard to take.

whereiseveryone · 14/12/2013 10:50

No thanks. I couldn't think of anything worse. I need my space!

stopprocrastinating · 14/12/2013 11:31

My cousin grew up with grandma in a granny flat. They couldn't afford to buy big house on outskirts of lovely village, with stabling and pony paddocks etc. But widowed grandma (my auntie's husband's mum, and husband was an only child), had sold her house, with intention of having a granny flat, on her son's house. It worked out fine, as grandma never interfered, and had her own entrance etc. I think she contributed 300k to buying property too.

However, it does depend on family and circumstances. I could very happily live with my father-in-law. He's a real gent, and lovely. MIL and my own parents - only if there was no other option.

Cleio · 14/12/2013 11:32

Me, my ten week old and my toddler (21 months) have been living with inlaws for the last two months with DH coming up on the weekend. It's out of necessity, not by choice. Found out yesterday that the move isn't happening before Christmas after all and I'm devastated.

It's a nightmare. PIL are nice enough but the only way I can make this work is by not having an opinion about anything whatsoever.

I have no privacy, no control over what I eat or drink as we're in the middle of nowhere and I've no car. I can't go anywhere.

I'm currently still in bed with the baby as I just can't face it again. Thank God I'm breastfeeding so at least MIL can't take control of the baby, though if I hear "she can't possibly be hungry again, you're spoiling her" again I might just commit murder.

It's miserable and I'm absolutely dreading the next few weeks and Christmas.

SirChenjin · 14/12/2013 11:37

Oh Cleio - that sounds awful. Fingers crossed that the next few weeks are bearable for you, and that the move goes ahead as soon as possible.

Canthaveitall · 14/12/2013 11:40

I think it's nice in theory but in my situation it wouldn't work, For a start DH and I are the only home owners so there would be no money to pool. Also my FIL has serious dementia and is a danger to himself and others. I would hate to bring my children up in that environment. I could live with my mum and step dad if we had our own space though but having seen the reality of dementia in full throw I am not sure how I would cope with that if one of them got it as well.

fatlazymummy · 14/12/2013 13:34

I have known quite a few british (white) people who have taken in or moved in with elderly parents in order to care for them. Currently my ex SIL and her husband live with and care for her widowed dad.
Generally though, living in an extended family unit isn't part of british culture. We seem to value our space and personal freedom over extended family ties.
Speaking for myself, I'm well aware that I may spend my last years in a home. A fair exchange for the freedom to live my life in my own home , able to make my own decisions and raise my children as I see fit.

TaraLott · 14/12/2013 13:57

I'd rather live in a fucking tree house than live with my In Laws.

I'd live with my Mum though as long as she was in a Granny flat with some independence and space from the rest of us.

MysterySpots · 14/12/2013 14:05

Given that I cannot even boil a pan of pasta in my mum's house without her standing over me and correcting everything I do, I know that I could not live with my mother. Well certainly not at the moment, possibly if she was unable to look after herself I would just have to do it. I can't imagine anything more stressful apart from living with my ILs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6