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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that we should share houses like lots of British Asian families do

140 replies

ReallyTired · 13/12/2013 12:47

I know several British Asian families where granparents and families live all under the same roof. Provided that there is enough living space it can work well. The extended family can keep an eye on elderly relatives. Having more than one generation living together helps prevent social isolation.

I know lot of elderly British couples or even single people who live in large 4 bed houses. Their adult children (and their children) live in tiny expensive rented accomodiation because they can't afford a mortgage.

I realise that not everyone would want to live with their parents/ inlaws however it does seem such waste of high quality housing. I doult that my parents or inlaws would let us live with them.

I feel the govement should discourage single occupancy of large houses.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 13/12/2013 15:45

I don't think it fair to compare a different culture. I have heard, through friends of Asian heritage, that a lot of them are expected to live with their Mother in Law's who will then treat them as little more than slaves.

It's very different to choosing to live with elderly relatives of your own accord, and with pre-planning and discussions.

nicename · 13/12/2013 15:49

Can you imagine if additional wives were thrown into the mix?

One friend was expected to cook and clean for the whole family when she moved in with her husbands clan. She worked full time and had to beg to be allowed to come out for a coffee after work. Another had a very elderly grandma who had Alzheimer's and would wander around the house at night screaming.

It all sounds very stressful to me!

OfficeSupplies · 13/12/2013 15:56

Am fairly sure the size of house I own is non of the government's business. If I catch any family members trying to live in my box room, guest room, cellar or study they will be escorted off the premises. I would need a mansion to survive or would move out to my own happy bedsit.

I do

OfficeSupplies · 13/12/2013 15:58

I do? I don't, won't you can't make me!

ErrolTheDragon · 13/12/2013 16:02

People with houses larger than they needed used to take in lodgers or 'paying guests'. I had relatives for whom this worked out extremely well - brought in income and company. One of my great-aunts married her PG when they were in their 70s!

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 13/12/2013 16:04

I couldn't stand it and neither could they. We love each other dearly but nope we just couldn't do it. Someone would end up murdered! Blush

Lillilly · 13/12/2013 16:05

There was a very interesting programme on radio 4 a few weeks ago which looked at public health statistics. The information about housing was very interesting, I don't think we appreciate how far we have come.

100 years ago single person households were extremely rare, now it is 30%.
I thought that might be because homes are now smaller, but actually in the 30's there were large numbers of families living in homes which consisted of a single room, and sharing with other families was also very common.

Households are still getting smaller and there is not even a slow down let alone a turn around. Although we are all short of cash, we don't want to love together!

pianodoodle · 13/12/2013 16:06

No I think unless you've grown up with this being the norm it would be a recipe for disaster!

TheCrackFox · 13/12/2013 16:18

Blimey, it is bad enough living with DH and the kids without throwing my parents or the in-laws into the mix.

expatinscotland · 13/12/2013 16:21

YABU

SoldAtAuction · 13/12/2013 16:42

I think the government is already too over involved in our lives. I will decide what size of house I need/want, and it is my responsibility to achieve it.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 13/12/2013 16:44

As much as i love my DM, she pisses the fuck out of me half the time, if i had to live with her, i'd kill her.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 13/12/2013 16:46

YABU. I lived with my in laws for 5 months, lets just say we were all relieved when we moved out.
It would only work if the building was large enough for people to have their own space.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/12/2013 16:46

We live hundreds of miles away from all of our relatives. Lots of people do.

I don't see why the government should be interfering in our living arrangements.

Original poster
ReallyTired · 13/12/2013 16:47

Realistically wages aren't going to rise. If we increase the minimum wage then it will be impossible to sale British products and no one will be able to afford services. Pensions are a massive timebomb.

100 years ago people shared housing because of povety. As a country we are becoming poorer and prehaps we need to be realistic about the costs of housing and looking after elderly and young children. I believe that depression and anxiety is higher in the UK than hundred years ago. Prehaps social isolation and the break up of the extended family is a contributory factor.

It would be interesting to know what the murder rate was 100 years ago.

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 13/12/2013 16:49

Do you know, everyone in every historical period have been absolutely pessimistic about what the future holds. Yet their fears haven't been realised.

What does the murder rate have to do with anything?

SirChenjin · 13/12/2013 16:52

100 years ago people didn't routinely live into their 70s, 80s or 90s, so probably not much need for murder.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/12/2013 16:54

it is not so common among the younger generations of asian families

but asian families the set up is much different. even if you are wealthy uou are likely to live together or very close. it is not just about living together it is about living your life through your family. family is involved in everything, you do not do things alone, family always come first, your extended family also are involved in your life and there is not many outside friends as why would you need them when you have such a big family (by extended i mean 5th cousins)

of course not like that for all asian families, but it is suffocating and difficult for those who want independence

openerofjars · 13/12/2013 17:01

There is no way in this life or the next that I am going to live with either my parents or DH's folks.

My dad would monopolise the sound system and tv and drive DH nuts. StepMum would be fine: she is a civilising influence on my dad.

My mum practically lives here anyway and would gradually replace me in my children's affections, while reorganising my kitchen and being well meaning and kind but maddening.

MiL would do the garden, bath the DC and buy wine. Actually, she can stay forever.

StepMIL would have ornaments and doilies all over the place within 5 minutes and nick my wine, and FIL would mend things without checking if it was ok first, but he does make awesome bread. He would break the computer a lot, though.

And since there are 7 of the buggers and 4 of us, and some of them haven't spoken civilly since 1993, WW3 would break out.

In fact, the thought of it is making me want to get my own flat.

Mim78 · 13/12/2013 17:01

I'm sure it can be a good idea but don't think the government come into this.

Zipadeedoodah · 13/12/2013 17:03

It's not only the children whose attitudes are changing - I am a British Asian - and my parents have made it very clear they don't want to live with me or any of our siblings! We would happily have them as wouldby DB and DS but they said no thank you! They enjoy Dcs but get to give them back - they are other similar ages Aunts and Uncles who feel the same . I think it's becoming more to do with each family regardless of what racial background they are from. It used to be that the eldest son would look after his parents but that assumption is dying out, and not all grandparents are happy to live in a house of young kids, early starts and stressed parents when they have worked hard all their lives and want to enjoy the silence!

Joysmum · 13/12/2013 17:04

Hell no!

Original poster
ReallyTired · 13/12/2013 17:05

I think that the single person rebate for council tax should not exist for properties that are band E or above.

OP posts:
Zipadeedoodah · 13/12/2013 17:05

Freuds is right about the cousins, I have 100's !

Beechview · 13/12/2013 17:06

I wouldn't mind living with my in laws if my house was like Southfork Ranch.

I know 2 Asian families who do this and are happy. They live in large houses with lovely non interfering in laws who provide instant childcare by just being around. They're able to go out with their dhs as and when and are able to send their kids to private schools without earning absolutely loads.
I also know lots of Asian women who hated it and one who left her husband of 2 months because her in laws were so horrible.