To think that we should share houses like lots of British Asian families do

[ReallyTired]

I know several British Asian families where granparents and families live all under the same roof. Provided that there is enough living space it can work well. The extended family can keep an eye on elderly relatives. Having more than one generation living together helps prevent social isolation.

I know lot of elderly British couples or even single people who live in large 4 bed houses. Their adult children (and their children) live in tiny expensive rented accomodiation because they can't afford a mortgage.

I realise that not everyone would want to live with their parents/ inlaws however it does seem such waste of high quality housing. I doult that my parents or inlaws would let us live with them.

I feel the govement should discourage single occupancy of large houses.

I would end up being sectioned and I am being serious.

At least 5 people in my family live alone in their own home. I prey it stays that way.

I am a carer for 2 family members at the moment and although it would be easier on the wear and tear of my car to have them living with me the mental cost is way to high a price to pay. I am happy to go everyday and even happier to shut their door and go home.

Love them to bits but no way could I live with them full time.

Absolutely no way. 10 minutes away is fine - close enough when we want it to be and far enough away when we don't.

No fucking chance.

I am Asian and I have played at happy families living with my in laws for around 9 months.

Fucking hell, never again.

In theory, I would have either sets of Parents to live with us, if they needed it. In practice, I imagine it was in a much bigger house and I always assumed we'd only have one when they were widowed no idea why I made this assumption. I have high hopes: my Grandmother lived alone till almost 92, 15 years widowed, I think, and then had a couple of weeks in hospital before she died. I have several Siblings and I always assumed (and have begun to vocalise) that we would facilitate whatever mode of living our Parents wanted and split the care between us. My DH is one of two (the other a Sis). The house would have to be substantially bigger before my FiL would have enough space (he never stops moving!) and they are a decade younger than mine. I expect my DSiL would prefer to have them, but I got very odd looks when I broached end-of-life care (even though DH's Grandfather is causing havoc by being ill and in another country ....!).

It's expected that we will do it (husband is Hindu) and I don't have a problem with that. My dad grew up in such a house in his early years and quite a few of his cousins grew up in a four generations home - they were a large Catholic family.

Oh, and though not British Asian, I have lots of friends at Playgroups and even those who are treated well by their PiLs still have the major burden of the housework, often as the MiL plays with their children. One articulated it by saying that the MiLs have merely bided their time from being dutiful DiLs till they were MiLs though why would they want to perpeptuate such nastiness? The girls never get to live with their own Mother.

I'm trying to persuade my widowed Mum to move in with my son & I right now as she gets closer to 80. The best I'll manage is a 2 bed house within walking distance of our home. She's fiercely independent but the logistics of care in a decade or so concern me.

Luckily I'm single so have neither husband nor IL's to fret about, but I can see it all getting a bit fraught as the generations all have their own lifestyle preferences. Also we can do it with a regular 3 bed semi, many would have to own substantially larger properties than are currently being built to make it work.

I think for many families sheer economics is going to necessitate this in the future though, especially as today's 40 something is unlikely to have a decent pension, and today's child will have student debt worthy of a mortgage to pay off before they can consider having a baby or starting a mortgage of their own.

It may be the cultural norm, but it doesn't mean that family relationships are happy.

I have had many a conversation (in the course of my work) with British/Asian people for whom the stress of living together in a multigenerational set up is causing stress, depression and marital strife.

The fact is that most of the elderly relatives have not looked after their parents until they themselves were well into their 60s. People simply didn't live so long, and they rarely lived long enough to develop dementia.

I had a 60 year old man crying in my office this week because he is trying to run a business, keep his marriage together and look after his 90 year old demented mother. His children can't wait to leave home because the old lady keeps everyone wake all night. Every night.

It is great if it works, but it doesn't work for everyone.

Oh - I just remembered the young girl, living with her husband's family, who was being bullied into doing all the housework and cooking by her mother in law. 2 weeks after having had open heart surgery. Her husband was a complete wimp and dominated by his mother. Poor girl. Arranged marriage and thousands of miles away from her own mum.

Um this is interesting, I live in Japan with my husband, so I can give you my take on it here. There can be problems but it can work. There is a lot of bitching about MILs but saying that I would have loved to have lived at my MIL. The housing stock is different here too and most build new. There are also expectations to generational sharing. Recently the houses are being designed for more generations. So Grandpa and ma, single uncle or auntie(maybe divorced ) husband, wife and kids. Usually it is understood that the first son and his family with live with the grandfolk but in return they will be given the house/land. This may be factored in before getting married. Would it work in the UK? don't think so unless people could build how they wanted...

If extended families wanted to live together, they would, most who do make that choice because the alternative is worse but if they could afford it would live independently.

As for those who live together for cultural reasons; they're no happier, if they were there wouldn't be higher domestic violence rates and suicide rates in those communities. It's much harder for victims to escape bad situations when it's a whole family dominating and threatening you rather than one person. Domestic abuse is more likely because the more people you live with, the greater the chance of one or more of them being a bully.

I used to live alone before dp, twas lovely, total peace, privacy, independence, freedom. It's hard enough to live with someone you love and want to live with because you have to compromise certain things, no way would I want the inlaws to move in. That would be torture. I'd rather live on an island and never see another soul again than endure that.

yabvvvvvvvvu.

"As for those who live together for cultural reasons; they're no happier, if they were there wouldn't be higher domestic violence rates and suicide rates in those communities"

What evidence do you have that British Asians have higher rates of domestic violence or suicide than native British?

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100350001

"Domestic violence affects women from all ethnic groups, and there is no evidence to suggest that women from some ethnic or cultural communities are any more at risk than others"

Different rates of suicide is often down to cultural factors. Relgion can affect whether someone commits suicide. For example many christians see suicide as a sin. I can't find any evidence on google that British Asians are more likely to commit suicide than anyone else.

There is a difference between a multi-generational household that everyone has chosen and is set up to suit the individuals concerned in terms of social expectations and physical space, and conforming to a cultural expectation that you will move in with your in-laws.

I am from an Asian background and we have lived with my Mum. It was great and I wish we still did. But that is totally different to what other women in my family have done where they have to move in with their in-laws and fit in with quite rigid expectations of their role in the household. I think its great for the kids and older people but often pretty tough on the women.

British Asian women are twice as likely actually, under 35's three times more likely, a report by the Southhall Black Sisters found that domestic violence, abuse and arranged marriage as the main causes for high rates of suicide.

www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2011/03/british_asian_w

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/audio/2009/jan/06/sunny-hundal-asian-suicide

I wonder who it is most beneficial too? Possibly to the elderly heads of household at the expense of younger members.It wouldn't be for me. My mum grew up in a household where she lived with her mum, dad and maternal grandparents. She feels that she never really saw her parents as adults and saw her mum more like an older sister, as her Gran really ruled the roost.

I also remember listening to an episode of the Radio 4 programme 'Thinking allowed' about this kind of set up in Italy.

It argued that this was reflected in the way social security payments were given out, with pensioners getting the lions share on the assumption they would use it in the interest of their extended family. So basically their adult children (and their own offspring) would be dependent on the largesse of the elderly male head of household.

Also younger women within this set up (especially those living with their in laws) were marginalised and lacked the capacity to make independent decisions.

YABU - I have lived like this and it is horrible. How many people do you actually know who do this and are happy with it OP?? Or are you just guessing? I know of several marriages broken up because of the stress of living with in laws, having no privacy, all the interference and control.
I do know a few people happy with it, won't say it's nobody who likes it.. but there are so many women suffering due to this, and it has a lot of downsides. I would never ever encourage my kids to live with inlaws or in joint family set up, knowing how I felt living with my inlaws. I got married at 18 and was treated as a child, also wasn't ever "allowed" to leave. eventually me and my husband just took some of our stuff while they were out of the house and just left to move out. they threatened they will disown my dh if we ever left but eventually we just had to. the whole situation was very negative

I know more than a few women who are British-Asian DILs and live like this. Not one of them is happy Most are very far from happy.

But living with my ILs would require me To behave like a 5 year old, because that's How they try To treat me and DH. I would be guilt trípped into having moré children than we can afford and allowing someone To bully them whilst not saying anything that might upset MIL.

And living with my fuckwits rellies would require a lobotomy so that I could Get through the day without losing mind and slaughtering them as a favour To the human race.

OP YABU, sorry. In ideal world it would work but we don't live in an ideal word.

Plus my dad having seen what his friends are going through with elderly relatives living with them has told us to stick him in a home, visit sometimes and get on with our lives. He doesn't want to restrict us like that

YABU - I lived like this for the first few years of my marriage as we were saving up to buy our first home. While I am grateful we got onto the property ladder quicker in retrospect I would have rented. I moved in bit just with PILs but my two BILs and their wives. The other Wives were fine but MIL would bitch about her DILs to her other sons so she affected all the relationships in the house.

Soon after moving in my hubbie announced that there was a strict hierarchy in the house. His mum was no.1 then I was no.2 because I was married to the eldest son. I just laughed in his face and ignored him. His mum tried to dominate all of the DILs and had these really backward ideas of her DILs roles. My MIL is a poorly educated peasant from a village in India and her DILs were all degree educated in the UK (not suggesting that this makes us better than her) but points out how our backgrounds are very different. My MIL didnt live with her MIL because she came to this country.

It all became very petty power struggles and she used to openly boast to her indian friends that her DILs didnt move unless she said and her sons controlled all of us. Even now I don't understand her need to control her DILs. She's a woman but had no compassion or empathy towards us as women or mothers.

The upshot of being a control freak MIL like her is that she is now living all alone in her big house (FIL passed away) and her attitude towards all her DILs now is much more reasonable especially as all her sons chose their wives over their mother. i think this was the crux of the problem my MIL expected that she would always come first in her sons lives. None of her sons ever challenged her behaviour to her face they just left. By living alone my MIL has had to curb her dominating ways if she wants any kind of relationship with any of us. The really sad thing is had my MIL been the way she is now previously then she wouldn't be living alone.

If there were any plans for the government to interfere in this area, I'd like to see them implement legislation to ensure that people are paid a wage that allows them to provide accommodation for their families, and regulates the irresponsible berserk profiteering of the banking sector. Roll on the next election please

I remember reading a report on a study about this in the British Chinese community a few months ago. They looked at families with three generations under the same roof and one of the issues it highlighted was just how staggeringly lonely the oldest member of the family (usually granny rather than grandpa) was. The middle generation were out all day at work, the youngest generation werer out at school or work, so granny had no one to talk to during the day. Then when everyone was at home everyone was doing their own thing - homework, laptops/iPads, etc leaving granny still with no one to talk to. It was seen as incredibly isolating for the older people in many cases. They were superficially surrounded by people but in fact felt really lonely. So it's not always great for the older generation either.

I have DM living with us, and 'another', so altogether there is 7. As from last week we also have MIL. So now there is 8, with 4 adult women sharing one kitchen. My kids tell me they are going to stay here forever. I think the correct terminology is 'commune'. God help me.
It does drive DH and I batty sometimes, but, although its not ideal, it means that everyone is looked after.

Although I think it is good for some families, it's not for me!

I think it can lead to an element of senior doctor syndrome (ie I shovelled shit when I was younger and now it's your turn).