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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that we should share houses like lots of British Asian families do

140 replies

ReallyTired · 13/12/2013 12:47

I know several British Asian families where granparents and families live all under the same roof. Provided that there is enough living space it can work well. The extended family can keep an eye on elderly relatives. Having more than one generation living together helps prevent social isolation.

I know lot of elderly British couples or even single people who live in large 4 bed houses. Their adult children (and their children) live in tiny expensive rented accomodiation because they can't afford a mortgage.

I realise that not everyone would want to live with their parents/ inlaws however it does seem such waste of high quality housing. I doult that my parents or inlaws would let us live with them.

I feel the govement should discourage single occupancy of large houses.

OP posts:
Fleta · 13/12/2013 17:08

I feel the govement should discourage single occupancy of large houses

Really? And how would you propose that would happen?

We have a house much larger than we need because that's what we want.

AmberLeaf · 13/12/2013 17:31

If I had a huge house/estate with a gatehouse and cottage in the grounds, I would love this sort of set up! [with me being in the big house and my parents-divorced years ago and both now remarried] would live in either the gatehouse or cottage [I have actually thought about this when planning how I would spend my euromillions win!] No one would be intrusive and we would all have a phone first rule.

I think if you have lots of space/massive house then it could possibly work, but I couldn't see it as a cost cutting exercise as the cost of such a big house would put the option out of reach for most people.

It would be nice to have my parents around my children, they would all get a lot out of that and I would get childcare which would be amazing, Ive always lived very far away from my parents since having children, so I would really appreciate the childcare help!

I would enjoy being able to help my parents too.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/12/2013 18:12

I prefer to live at least an hour away from my mother. It means she can't just pop in unannounced and take over my life.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/12/2013 18:15

I couldn't think of anything worse!

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 13/12/2013 18:20

It is GREAT for the family, but shit for the woman who is the daughter/wife/mother in the middle ( the woman of mist MN'rs age) who would be responsible for keeping it all together and making it work!

Would not work with an independent minded mum

SilverOldie · 13/12/2013 18:27

Procrastinating "YANBU because I live on a street of 4 bedroom houses with huge gardens lived in by one or two older people. I know some of their children are squashed into rented flats & tiny houses with the grandchildren. The gardens in particular always seem such a waste."

Why a waste? Older people can and do enjoy their gardens. I do - I lived in a flat in London all my working life until I retired. Now I have a garden which gives me enormous pleasure.

I couldn't have children so at least won't be foisting myself on family.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/12/2013 18:31

I would rather live in a grotty bedsit than live with my inlaws or own mother. As a woman I know all the caring would fall on me and I am just not prepared to do it. When my mother can't live alone, she will be going into a care home unless one of my siblings wants to undertake the caring role.. I have absolutely no qualms about this. . My MIL is already in one.

Fleta · 13/12/2013 18:31

We actually have a family plan as outlined by AmberLeaf. An estate with a large house, two cottages for us, my parents and siblings.

I think that could work - privacy yet closeness.

sunbathe · 13/12/2013 18:46

My parents, married in the mid-50s, moved into lodgings together before saving up for their first house.

Irrelevant but interesting, my grandfather's 3 bed detached house and massive garden, cost £500.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 13/12/2013 18:49

MIL lives in a 4-bedroom house. It's in the middle of nowhere. There are no nearby schools. There are no jobs locally. Transport links are lousy. Therefore it was cheap (cost significantly less than the 2-bed house she moved from). She could move there because she's retired and doesn't have children; the previous occupant had been trying to sell it for years because no one wanted to move there.

I'd happily live with MIL, but she and DH would kill each other. And if we lived with my mother we'd probably all kill each other in some kind of Mexican standoff.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2013 18:50

Given the divorce rate in this country, the idea is completely unrealistic for many.

Procrastinating · 13/12/2013 18:59

Silver, most don't use them, they have gardeners who just cut grass & hedges. The gardens are like empty fields, it is a shame.

MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatinSandals · 13/12/2013 19:02

I am not convinced that all is wonderful with Asian extended families. For a start you get your PIL and your brother gets your own parents, and his wife does the looking after!

HappyCliffmas · 13/12/2013 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscumberbatch · 13/12/2013 19:04

I think it would be awful. I want the space to live my own life.

Just because someone is family does not mean that you have to be attached to them in anyway.

HappyCliffmas · 13/12/2013 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemd81 · 13/12/2013 19:06

There will be a huge rise in crimes of passion what a daft suggestionShock

MadeOfStarDust · 13/12/2013 19:20

Works well for some of us.. ( I am not Asian - don't know why that would make a difference or not)

MIL is about most of the time, but retires to her room early so me and DH get some evening privacy, kids love having her here and treat her gently.

The main reason we get on so well is the mutual respect for boundaries and that she knows the beauty of silence and does not feel the need to fill every moment with sound or busyness ..

herladyship · 13/12/2013 19:26

YA (sort of) NBU as it worked for us..

we built a self contained annexe for PIL (both now sadly died)

Might use it for my parents if need arose, or other family members

DH grew up in a house with parents, siblings & maternal grandparents & so did I, both of which were happy experiences

YABU if you think this would work for everybody though!

MamaBear17 · 13/12/2013 19:35

Whilst I would most certainly open my home to an elderly relative in their time of need (as my mum did, my nan lived with us after my grandad died) there is no way I could live with my inlaws or parents whilst they are fit and healthy!

MadeOfStarDust · 13/12/2013 19:48

there are degrees of fit and healthy.....

MIL forgets things - like putting a pot on the stove, taking her pills etc.... being with us takes the danger from her day to day living...

harticus · 13/12/2013 19:50

We live like this and it works brilliantly - we have pooled resources and keep running costs to a minimum.
But we are a close knit family that get on very well with each other.
DS really loves to be with his GPs.

I have always been a bit of a hippy fan of communal living - hated living alone.

IThoughtThat · 13/12/2013 19:51

Multi generational households may seem to run OK but I think they are usually awash with simmering resentment Grin

exexpat · 13/12/2013 19:59

My grandmother lived with us for nine or ten years when I was little. My mother has often said she would never ask to come and live with me or my sister, because it was a nightmare for her, and I don't think my grandmother was happy either. Everyone was much happier when my grandmother moved back to her home city to live in a flat in the same converted house as one of her oldest friends.

I would never suggest it anyway, to my mother or father, as I know it would be a nightmare - I could not cope with the fussing and worrying about everything, and we also have completely different tastes in food, entertainment etc etc.