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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the headteacher should keep her nose out?!!

101 replies

Mummytotwox · 13/12/2013 09:23

I have ibd (irritable bowel disease). I suffer mostly in the mornings/during the night. I have sickness with it and a lot a lot of pain.

Last year when daughter was in reception, she used to be late for school most days due to be not being able to leave the toilet.Blush.
Anyway this year her best friends mum said if I ever need help, text her and she will run dd to school, as they have to go by our house anyway.

This year iv managed to get some control and dd has hardly been late. A few weeks ago I had a huge flair up, asked friends mum if she could run dd school. She made an excuse saying she was running late (she drive to school I walk) and that she wouldn't be able too. Okay that's fine, but I asked if she could pick dd up (I had been doctors during the day and was in agorny) she said yes that's fine, dd can come to play.
Normally on play dates (either way) I or her pick both dds up and bring them home, rather then both go down.

I ended up with a snooty text saying "i thought you was meeting me here to pick dds bags up?!" I didn't realise. I apologised a lot.
She then sent me along message saying headteacher had told her she must never take dd school again, or pick her up (even though I give consent). I should have to deal with my problems myself and "not drag people involved". Headteacher also has told health vistor "I attach myself to people who I then take advantage off"?!!

Me and this women I thought was friends. We go for a cuppa to each other's house!

I questioned the head teacher the other day. She denied it. I accepted that the other women was lying to me.

The next day the women told me the headteacher had pulled her over again and told her that I had been to see her, and that under no acception should she help me anymore, and she is "writing it down" every time she brings dd in.

I swear to god must be about 12 times throughout the year iv asked for help.

So this Tuesday I had a flare up where I was rushed to the drs. I asked three diffrent people who walk past my house, and are friends with dd, each one said no. I even offered money.

I'm so hurt and feel so alone :(

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 13/12/2013 09:26

There must be more to it
Have you got a partner who could help?

Suddengeekgirl · 13/12/2013 09:27

You've named your dd - I'm assuming you didn't mean to.

Think you might have to sit down with HT, explain the situation and see what her solution is. See if you can get your GP to provide supporting evidence - in case HT is less than helpful.

I have iBS so have suffered from similar. :(

Kemmo · 13/12/2013 09:28

TBH I think your 'friend' is talking bullshit and is making stuff up about what the head has said as an excuse for not helping you any more.

I have IBD but it is under control through medication.
Has your consultant tried you on a range of different options? It can take a while to work out what medication works.

linzicam1985 · 13/12/2013 09:31

could you not maybe speak to your health visitor ask if there is not some help you can get through your local council or social in getting your daughter to school on bad days I where I life our social department help out with something like this they provide a taxi to take and return your daughter to/from school xxx

BohemianGirl · 13/12/2013 09:31

I agree with kemmo HT would not confide in another parent like that

NigellasDealer · 13/12/2013 09:34

agree the parent is talking crap, the HT would not talk about another parent like that.

nosleeptillbedtime · 13/12/2013 09:36

I too wonder what magical solution the ht things you should implement. I would have thought building a supportive community of friends, which you did, to help was dealing with the problem yourself.

SilverApples · 13/12/2013 09:36

Your friend is lying to you.

Sparklymommy · 13/12/2013 09:37

Sounds very odd to me.

I have IBS as well and feel your pain op. are the school aware of your problem? Earlier this year my husband had a heart problem and couldn't drive the kids to school. Another parent helped out. Not a problem.

I don't understand why the head would frown upon this.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 13/12/2013 09:37

Well, since the head would clearly have had to say something otherwise this woman would not have known that you had been to see her about this, they have talked.

How this came about and what was said is something you may never know. It may be that the head has said all this and is lying to you, or it may be that the woman has in fact moaned about you/reported you to the head.

I have to ask myself, who is more likely to lie? The head who is a professional and would be responsible for raising concerns or the other mother who doesn't want to help you out?

I would suggest that you contact a local childminder and see if you can hire someone for the school run. It doesn't sound like people want to help you, which is a sad state of affairs but ultimately their right.

I assume you have the right to access your daughter's school records? If you make a formal request? I'd start by doing that.

I'd also have a meeting with the head and swallow my pride and tell her and ask her what she thinks someone should do when they have health problems that affect them in this way.

And finally, I would suggest that you need to make a total pest of yourself at the doctor's until you are referred to someone who can help you.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 13/12/2013 09:38

a) the head teacher would not do what this parent says she is doing (ie talk to a parent about another parent)

b) you're really going to have to sort out something on a permanent basis to make sure your DD gets to school on time every day. I realise you're ill, and it must be horrible/difficult, but DD cannot miss school, or be late for school on a regular basis

c) you must keep going back to GP until you get your condition sorted out or managed to an extent that you can do b)

DeepThought · 13/12/2013 09:38

Yes your friend is saying that rather than an outright No. Some folk really can't bring selves to say no so she's using this as an avoidance tactic.

So you need to formulate a plan. Can we help you to think it through?

Dogonabeanbag · 13/12/2013 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeepThought · 13/12/2013 09:40

Or what Hec and Middle said

SilverApples · 13/12/2013 09:41

We have a lot of parents who work shifts for the NHS and various carehomes. As a community, they often bring in and collect each other's children, and it is seen as a good thing by the school.
I'd have a meeting with the head to check that she's fine with your DD being dropped and collected by someone else, and I'd be amazed if she wasn't.
That out of the way, I'd then be thinking about ways of dealing with my friend.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2013 09:48

I also think your friend is telling lies.

It's quite possible that she had a moan about you to the Head and said she didn't want to pick your DD up...and the Head just said something like "Well don't do it then".

rockybalboa · 13/12/2013 09:49

Your friend sounds like a fruit loop. I would make an appointment to discuss the issues with the head as your only priority is how you are going to get DD to school on time. How late is late?

IamInvisible · 13/12/2013 09:56

I think your friend is telling lies.

When my two were in Nursery and Yr1 and I had difficulty getting them to school because of my disability, the HT was really helpful. Between her, the teacher and social services they identified a CM who would come to my house to pick them up and walk them to school. I paid over the odds, but it was the only way.

pudcat · 13/12/2013 10:01

I really do not think a head would do this. Instead she would be trying to help you. I used to go and fetch a child for my nursery when a certain Mum was asking for help when suffering from depression.

WooWooOwl · 13/12/2013 10:01

How is your fiend supposed to know What the head teacher has said to the HV?

I expect there is some lying going on from your friend, but there still has to be more to it than that. Things like this don't come out of nowhere, and maybe your friend feels like you are taking advantage.

McPie · 13/12/2013 10:13

I have a friend who does not think twice about taking DTW's to school if I was ill, she has told me off in the past when I have just got on with it, and knows that I will do the same for her.
We will at some point have snow and she has already been told that she will be staying home with her foster child (2) and I will walk her older 2 down to school for safety.
This is what real friends do for each other not try to knock them when they are down. Do not enter into any discussions about this matter with this now acquaintance, she is not a real friend if she cannot help you when you are so in need and she passes your door. I would honestly double my journey to help you out if I was your friend as none of this is your fault!
Go in and speak to the head and discuss the problems you are having and try to agree an action plan with the school on board. Paying a CM for drop off, if you can afford it, may be your best option.

coppertop · 13/12/2013 10:22

I don't believe the HT said those things.

These days schools are under a great deal of pressure to keep their attendance levels up. If your dd is late enough to miss the register, she will be marked as absent, even if she arrives a few minutes later. The HT would not be telling someone not to help you get your dd to school.

I think you should speak to the school about the difficulties you've been having and see whether they could offer any advice or practical help.

NigellasDealer · 13/12/2013 10:24

or if you cannot pay a CM talk to the HT/ EWO about the possibility of getting a taxi paid for.

Original poster
Mummytotwox · 13/12/2013 10:47

I believe the ht would say this stuff. Trust me she's a bitch. Iv spoken to her and told to "stop making stupid excuses"

OP posts:
DoctorDonnaNoble · 13/12/2013 10:55

Complain to governors then. It is highly unprofessional behaviour!