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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EIGHT bags of presents. EIGHT.

90 replies

HankyScore · 12/12/2013 20:58

Delivered earlier by BIL. SIL does their present shopping. Big bags, like bin bag size (but gift bags).

There are five of us.

We have said every single year for seven years that we'd far rather she bought much less.

Each and every year she buys more and more and more.

I am actually at the point of tears about it. The worst thing is she barely speaks to me anymore, we haven't even seen her for three or four months.

My kids have drawers full of new clothes that don't get worn, we are drowning in stuff and I am on first name terms with the charity shop staff from dropping off the overflow.

Help me. I have no idea how to deal with this. It's claustrophobic and embarrassing and I know it sounds like a non problem but I find it really stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:00

I'm looking around the living room now and almost every single photo frame, ornament and children's toy is one she has bought.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 12/12/2013 21:03

Donate them. Phone the Samaritans or Women's Aid and explain.

I think your SIL has a problem.

OhBabyLilyMunster · 12/12/2013 21:06

Thats insane! Donate, deffo.

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:08

It will all get donated in its turn, I'll have a January clear out and the kids can keep the new stuff and I'll get rid of the old (but probably still unused) stuff.

Ds2 is only two and I have given away so many unworn clothes bought for him that it breaks my heart.

It also takes the shine off my presents for the kids, which if I'm honest I think is her intention. She has to buy the best and the most.

I know she's also bought presents for every single teacher at school as Mil told me how awful it was that she had to. I explained that she doesn't have to buy even one, she had made out it was compulsory.

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MisForMumNotMaid · 12/12/2013 21:09

At the risk of sounding like scruge I wanted to minimise presents this year too. We've had a change in circumstances and dramatically downsized (50% less floor space). Our new home has about 30% of the stuff in it our old one had and I'm a hoarder so its been really really hard work.

Everything has a place, the house is generally pretty tidy and clean. The thought of bags of plastic tat and ill fitting clothes the DC wont wear from loving, well meaning relatives brought me to tears last week.

The excess when there are so many hard up is upsetting. I know I'm lucky, we're warm, dry and fed. But it feels so unnecessary - all the present buying effort, all the cost, all the wrapping. All the trips to the charity shop and post office to send parcels.

But apparently, so my wider family tell me, its not fair on the DC to have minimal Christmases, there is pleasure for people in going out and choosing presents and wrapping them so I should be gracious in receiving them.

Its a bite my tongue moment. Smile, nod, write thank you cards and blitz in January (again!)

fuzzpig · 12/12/2013 21:11

That sounds worrying and I'm not surprised you are upset TBH. Puts my worry about having bought too much somewhat in perspective Shock

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:17

It is actually more in volume than I've bought my lot. Probably in value too, not that that matters to the children.

I don't know what to do. We've been direct, we've asked, we've talked to BIL (who said that she only buys stuff in the sales and only spends twenty quid per person, he is deluded) and I'm out of options.

Plus it's a weird situation, I can't kick off about it without coming off as rude and ungrateful.

OP posts:
Bearleigh · 12/12/2013 21:17

Does that comment about teachers mean she buys presents for your children's teachers? It seems like you have taken him on one side already, but it does sound she may have some sort of mental problem, and maybe he needs to do something about it.

How about keeping one present chosen at random for each of you and donating everything else to a women's aid/refuge charity? Otherwise she is taking over your lives, and I agree it devalues what you get your children. It must dominate Christmas unwrapping all that stuff.

CuriosityCola · 12/12/2013 21:22

I agree with the above. Choose one present each and donate the rest.

Or I'm sure I seem someone with a similar problem on here. I think they kept the presents and gave them to the dc throughout the year. Good behaviour rewards regifted etc

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:23

No, the teachers at her sons school.

The trouble with not giving the presents is that she will find out, the ILs (apart from her and bil) are all here for Christmas and she will ask. I really don't think dh will go down that route, he does not like rocking the boat with his brother.

I'm going to suggest it though (he's not here now).

OP posts:
DameFanny · 12/12/2013 21:23

Ebay it all. Give your brother the cash and ask him if he thinks she might have a spending problem.

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:24

Now that is not a bad idea, Dame fanny.

He'd be hard pressed to argue it was all bargain stuff when presented with the cash value.

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LifeofPo · 12/12/2013 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:26

Ohb

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Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:27

Darn phone.

Oh yes. She is the stuff of mn legend. This sort of thing has been going on for years. Nothing has ever helped.

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VworpVworp · 12/12/2013 21:33

Could you not point her in the direction of crisis, centrepoint, or womens' aid? All that excess energy and purchasing- think of the good she could do!

nestee · 12/12/2013 21:36

My mil was the same (she's dead now, bless her). I didn't buy anything for my kids for years. It used to upset me and piss me off a lot, but I learned in the end to live with it, keep the decent stuff and donate the rest. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth in order to keep the family peace.

LifeofPo · 12/12/2013 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 21:39

I have actually suggested she volunteers somewhere. She doesn't work and has one child (school aged), I think her life would be so much happier if she did something with her day instead of obsessing about other people's houses and gardens and buying stuff in town every day.

She won't work because she 'can't as she has a son'. I think she is just incredibly miserable and bored.

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Clobbered · 12/12/2013 21:51

She barely speaks to you and you hardly see her, so if you upset her by being direct, then it's not going to have a huge impact, is it?

Ideally you need to tackle this with DH, but if he won't get on board, then maybe you do need to be more assertive with SIL. Why not ring her and arrange to meet, then tell her what you've told us - she is embarrassing and inconveniencing you and spending far too much money on presents that are not appreciated. I would stop recycling all that stuff and actually give it back to her to deal with. If you can't take being brutally honest, could you just say "It's too much and we can't accept it"?

Don't let this spoil your Christmas again!

OldRoan · 12/12/2013 21:57

Am I allowed to plug a charity on here? I don't work for them, but if I'm not allowed then feel free to report and have me deleted.

Introduce her to PostPals - you send cards/gifts to terminally ill children, and can sign up to have a regular child who you send something to once a month. She could channel a little bit of her shopping energy into that.

No idea about the presents though. I'd be tempted to donate them all and if she gets upset then maybe it will stop her next year?

MrsGarlic · 12/12/2013 21:59

Goodness me she sounds controlling. I hate people like that, who would always manage to twist it so it sounds like you are the ungrateful/rude/weird one. I agree, if you complain you will probably sound ungrateful.

I can't understand how your BIL can believe she's spent less than £20 each, it doesn't sound like she's getting you pound-store or secondhand stuff.

I know it's your husband's family, but perhaps the boat needs to be rocked!! The sheer WASTE of it all is making me grind my teeth, I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

Original poster
HankyScore · 12/12/2013 22:02

Well dh is home (he went out after BIL dropped the presents off) and he is on board with whatever we do.

He is happy to give stuff back, or to leave it and talk to them both properly in January and go from there, whatever I think is best.

He said everything I said, that it's embarrassing, makes our presents (both to them and to our kids) look meagre, feels claustrophobic and taints the whole Christmas thing.

We've agreed to let it wash over us as much as possible though so there's no drama.

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Unexpected · 12/12/2013 22:04

I don't think BIL can actually believe that eight bags of presents cost £100 (by his reckoning of £20 per person). I think he is burying his head in the sand to avoid a confrontation with her because he realises there is a serious problem. If you can bear to open all this stuff at Christmas, I would keep a running total of the approximate value and present it to him afterwards.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 12/12/2013 22:06

That's ridiculous, it's beyond ridiculous!

You need to make a stand this year and let it unfold, this is ruining Christmas for you.

Take a gift from each bag then send the rest back and ask if she wouldn't mind putting stuff away for birthdays and Christmas next year, it's simply too much.

It probably won't be pretty but you can't let this happen.

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