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AIBU?

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Original poster

EIGHT bags of presents. EIGHT.

90 replies

HankyScore · 12/12/2013 20:58

Delivered earlier by BIL. SIL does their present shopping. Big bags, like bin bag size (but gift bags).

There are five of us.

We have said every single year for seven years that we'd far rather she bought much less.

Each and every year she buys more and more and more.

I am actually at the point of tears about it. The worst thing is she barely speaks to me anymore, we haven't even seen her for three or four months.

My kids have drawers full of new clothes that don't get worn, we are drowning in stuff and I am on first name terms with the charity shop staff from dropping off the overflow.

Help me. I have no idea how to deal with this. It's claustrophobic and embarrassing and I know it sounds like a non problem but I find it really stressful.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 12/12/2013 22:07

X post.

Good for you Hanky, I hope it goes well for you guys.

bumbumsmummy · 12/12/2013 22:14

Freegle it there are plenty of families in really desperate circumstances this year put them as separate lots then more people can benefit

NinjaBunny · 12/12/2013 22:15

Could you not just take a load of the unopened stuff to a refuge or hospital or something.

Some kids have nothing and the stuff that's pissing you off will make someone else's day.

Yes, it'll upset your SiL but it sounds she'll be upset at some point one way or another anyway.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 22:23

I for one am thankful for generous relatives this year. If it weren't for them, my DC would not be having much of a Christmas.

Not going in to detail but I have not been receiving all the money I should be.

I have a few second hand bits that I have bought through FB, ebay and charity shops. I will manage one decent present each for the little ones, and have decided to pay toward internet for DD1 and her DF for a year, which reduces immediate stress.

The little ones will have the most awesome time at the in laws though. I know some of the things they have bought and they will be overwhelmed.

I can manage to be pleased my DC will have a Christmas (albeit a few days late).

I do see your problems though OP, less that there are loads of presents, more that they are not bought out of love, but some twisted one upmanship game, which is a bit sick!

TheFirstToel · 12/12/2013 22:34

Ugh, I would feel the same OP. I actually think excessive present-buying is one of the worst forms of controlling behaviour, because the giver's "generosity" makes it so difficult for you to object. Yet it can make you so miserable. And I see it in many of the neediest, most controlling people.

I've fought and fought to get it through to relatives that I don't like it (not just talking about Christmas, my sister also wanted to buy everything she could for my newborns to the point where it was hard for me to buy anything for them because I couldn't justify it, and that made me so sad). It has worked, and we do now have that minimal christmas with just a few presents that are mainly from us. (My DC do not mind at all, 8yo DS has difficulty thinking of anything he wants at all this year.) I've pissed people off, but you know what - they were pissing me off first!

My sister was so desperate to give constantly that even after agreeing not to, she would buy things and strategically leave them around our house for us to find after she'd gone. Confused

I think for some people they equate it with being a nice person and being seen as generous - if you try to refuse it, their self-worth is dashed so they will dig their heels in to be allowed to do it.

TheFirstToel · 12/12/2013 22:45

On the plus side, if you donate them to charity, someone will benefit and so will the economy. I would send a message/email saying "thanks but we can't possibly accept this it is way too much, one present per child would have been fine. We are planning to take one present each and donate the rest to charity, or let me know if you would prefer me to return them".

It is not reasonable behaviour and you don't have to tolerate it. We couldn't possibly open 8 large bags of presents on Christmas day - a) there's not time b) it would be overwhelming and stressful c) we don't have space for that much new stuff. And that's aside from the issue that it puts your own family presents in the shade.

AndHarry · 12/12/2013 22:51

I would definitely pick one present per person and donate the rest or give it back to BIL/SIL. We had a similar problem with DH's divorced parents trying to 'out-present' each other with our DS and it does spoil things.

fuckwittery · 12/12/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 12/12/2013 22:57

you can't fix her. stop trying. just be there to offer support if needed.

Mainkster · 12/12/2013 23:04

You think her intention is to take the shine off your gifts to your children?
I doubt it, it's sounds like somebody who is desperate to please and be loved by buying affection. That's quite sad but it's not malicious or nasty.
Say thank you very much and enjoy her generosity and allow your children to also. You could also allow her to feel appreciated.
It's the season of goodwill is it not?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 12/12/2013 23:05

MIL was a bit like this. DS1 was ripping a present open, barely looking at it and going onto the next as here were so many.

DH had a word and said he wouldn't allow the giant sacks into the house any more. She has calmed down a bit.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 12/12/2013 23:07

Mainkster, but if it's present after present that never get used and for which there is no space it's not generous, it's overbearing. Like trying to make guests have seconds when they've said they are full up.

birdynumnums · 12/12/2013 23:20

Maybe she just really loves Christmas and enjoys spending time finding presents others will like? My mum is like this. Every year she says she is cutting down but never does. Looking at her gifts, she looks like she's spent £200 pounds on each grandchild (there are 4) which is absurd and she can't really afford it but it makes her so happy and she only does it once a year. My kids love it. I think she's silly but I wouldn't kick up a fuss over something like that personally. I love the magic of the kids waking up to our presents. The others from relatives are opened later in the day.

TheFirstToel · 12/12/2013 23:35

You will always get people saying you are being mean for refusing someone's lovely generosity and christmas spirit. That's why it's so hard!

People who do this don't give two hoots about you. It is about them and their needs. The question is do you indulge them and their needs. I can see why someone might in some cases, but you don't have to.

zebdee · 12/12/2013 23:47

Phone up local women's aid and donate some still wrapped and write tags with age and gender they are for.

SummerRain · 13/12/2013 00:00

We have a friend like this, he comes up before Christmas each year with a mountain of stuff for us and the kids. We can't afford to reciprocate and have asked him to stop but he won't.

He has 8 nieces and nephews and takes out a provident loan each year to buy for all of them and our three, plus his sisters and us.

It's mortifying and unnecessary Sad

Mainkster · 13/12/2013 00:07

Speaking of not giving two hoots and it being all about them!

I think how one views acts of over generosity may well reflect ones own shortcomings and insecurities rather than simply being understanding about anothers.
Overbearing? It may feel that way, but you have no idea what the intent is, so, to assume the motive is unkind really simply again reflects on oneself.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 13/12/2013 00:09

I don't assume the motive is unkind but if someone has been told every year for seven years to buy less stuff and instead is buying more, then the net outcome is an unkind one.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 13/12/2013 00:10

To use my food analogy again, it's kind to ask someone if they want seconds, it's not kind to take their plate and pile it with food after they've said no.

ShylaMcClaus · 13/12/2013 00:18

Oh Christ, I thought this might be you / her but she has surpassed her own legend. I hope you find a way to manage this and that she gets the help that she needs.

MidniteScribbler · 13/12/2013 00:28

Can you try and channel her towards buying an experience gift for your family instead? Theme park or concert or sports event or something? Moan about the kids getting older and doing their own thing and how you'd love a day to enjoy together as a family. If you put it to her in that way she might take it more on board and not see it as a criticism of her gift choices, but as a way of "helping" you out (to her mind).

HesterShaw · 13/12/2013 00:31

Instances like this prove how bloody bonkers and out of control Christmas has become in our crazy, materialistic world. What happened to love, and warmth and fun?

I'm not surprised you're upset :(.

muser31 · 13/12/2013 06:50

my mill does this. i find it so hard... but i am a lp and i can't afford much for my dd, so in some ways its good. she also sends down more clothes every month... i haven't had to buy clothes since she was born, and i have also had enough to give to charity and 2 of my friends who also have dds. but it means i never get to choose any of her clothes. and at christmas i get overwhelmed. but to them this is normal - when i go to their house at christmas, you cant even walk through the door because of all the presents in the house. so talking to dh is never going to help as he grew up with it and sees it as normal...we have fought about it in the past. i try to get rid of stuff without him knowing, and i try to space things out. i get very overwhelmed and don't like clutter, and he doesn't mind it so its difficult. now i try just to look forward to all the bags and prepare for them (by geting all my presents out of the way!) and then deal with it after christmas! good luck!

ilovecolinfirth · 13/12/2013 06:58

We've had this problem, but not quite as extreme. It's made me feel like the gifts that I've bought my own children aren't as good, and our house does have too much stuff in now.

My SiL and PiL love being generous, which I've not necessary always got a problem with, but I do feel it undermines me at times.

Squiffyagain · 13/12/2013 07:04

The poor woman clearly has too much time and an obsessive desire to 'help/fix things'. Nothing you will say will change how she is.

You could however get her alter the focus. Most volunteering jobs (charity shops/PTA etc) won't cut it because she will have no 'connection' between herself and the people she is 'helping'. But what about getting her to see if local MP needs voluntary help with constituency work, or if local WA centre need proactive help supporting local women, etc.

I can just see her getting involved in WA and turning up at the local refuge with 5 sacks of presents instead. Win-win all round.