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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EIGHT bags of presents. EIGHT.

90 replies

HankyScore · 12/12/2013 20:58

Delivered earlier by BIL. SIL does their present shopping. Big bags, like bin bag size (but gift bags).

There are five of us.

We have said every single year for seven years that we'd far rather she bought much less.

Each and every year she buys more and more and more.

I am actually at the point of tears about it. The worst thing is she barely speaks to me anymore, we haven't even seen her for three or four months.

My kids have drawers full of new clothes that don't get worn, we are drowning in stuff and I am on first name terms with the charity shop staff from dropping off the overflow.

Help me. I have no idea how to deal with this. It's claustrophobic and embarrassing and I know it sounds like a non problem but I find it really stressful.

OP posts:

googietheegg · 14/12/2013 09:03

Can you donate them to a women's/children's charity still wrapped up? They'll be nicer and you won't have 'engaged' with the gifts - then in the new year tell bil and sil what you did, why and how appreciative the charity was.

Original poster

HankyScore · 14/12/2013 09:03

It's one bin bag sized sack of clothes each, and she told me months ago she'd bought a particular thing for DS1 that costs £15. So I know the total value is already more than is appropriate.

We have a plan. It's not the most proactive plan in the world but it's low on drama.

We are accepting these gifts and will be donating huge swathes of stuff in the new year. I have spoken to the older two (9 and 11) so they know what going on, and offered them a choice of accepting the new gifts and clearing out their rooms of older stuff, or vice versa, and they (shockingly ) decided to go for the new swag.

But they are on board with a ruthless January purge.

Then after all the Christmas hoo hah has died down we are going to do a proper sit down talk to both SIL and BIL where we say 'we don't want you to buy this much stuff for us because we have no room and you are buying more for our kids than we do, so please stop'.

We need to say it to both of them together so there's no room for minimising or denying, we have asked them both repeatedly over the years but separately and it has just been swept away.

Then, after it's said, if it carries on we will just start handing it back.

DH is massively on board with this which is great, he can be a bit 'hands off and don't rock the boat' with his family but this is a biggie for him.

Having talked about it, we've realised what an impact this has had on us over the years, DS2 for eg has had almost everything he owns, clothes and toys, provided by SIL. It's suffocating.

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 14/12/2013 20:08

I think I'd be tempted to tot up the cost of all these things - even the price in january sales will be impressive, so when you speak to them, you can say "Look, even if you bought them in the sales, there's still £xxx spent, and thats £XX per person."

DS2 for eg has had almost everything he owns, clothes and toys, provided by SIL. It's suffocating. - you need to tell her this.

Sparkletshirt · 14/12/2013 20:53

I would love to know what she bought you all - 8 bags!!!! Never mind, would take you ages to type that lot up

Notawordfromtheladybird · 14/12/2013 21:12

If she's asking for reports from MIL, then I think she's not doing it simply because she loves giving. I'd be tempted to unwrap, pick a gift for my kids, rewrap new and say its from you or santa. Then regift the other stuff to close family and friends. From you. Make sure she knows of some of them. And when she confronts you - tell her why. Embarrass her right back. Embarrass your BIL as he's enabling this behaviour and rationalising it! BIL won't be invited inside and gifts will be left on curb for first lucky recipient. Time to get harsh with these two

AnnieOats · 15/12/2013 10:56

Just wondering but does she do the same for your children's birthdays? If she does don't forget to mention that as well as she might think you just mean at Christmas time.

Original poster

HankyScore · 15/12/2013 18:20

Yes birthdays are the same.

Piles and piles of stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

HankyScore · 25/12/2013 11:36

We've finally finished unwrapping them. She's spent a fortune. It's more stuff than we bought in total. Dh is really upset, he feels really overshadowed by it all, especially th stuff for our 2yo.

Anyway, onwards an upwards, we'll deal with it in January and I'm gettin in with the day.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 25/12/2013 11:41

Hang in there OP xx

Kundry · 25/12/2013 14:15

Oh dear, however glad you have a plan and are jointly committed to it.

As BIL has before minimized it can you make a list of what she's bought with the prices to really bring it home to him?

Val007 · 25/12/2013 14:37

Why don't you just accept the presents graciously? Then do with them what you like - sell, donate, throw away?

But returning the presents? Why??? Has she offended you in any way?

Sounds rude and controlling on your behalf, as she seems to have made a lot of effort and if this is what rocks her boat - why not?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 25/12/2013 14:51

Because they have asked her not to and she is doing it anyway - she is the controlling one!

Scarletohello · 25/12/2013 14:55

On the positive side think of all the people/ charities that will benefit from her generosity. I have no idea why she would do this, maybe this is the only way she feels she can express her love and care. Frustrating for you tho...

Kundry · 25/12/2013 14:56

Because this is an on-going saga dating back at least one other thread. She has been asked not to, barely has a relationship with them and BIL likes to pretend that the 8 sacks of presents only cost SIL £20.

tiredandsadmum · 25/12/2013 15:03

Not read all thread, but how sad. I would not open them until well after Christmas and then deal with as many people have suggested. You mentioned you hadn't see her - arrange a coffee and be more direct than you have clearly been. Describe how it is making you all feel. Explain that you would like to see her and the family more as you like their company (even if you really don't). Focus on how generous and kind they are but re emphasise that it is all too much

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