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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EIGHT bags of presents. EIGHT.

90 replies

HankyScore · 12/12/2013 20:58

Delivered earlier by BIL. SIL does their present shopping. Big bags, like bin bag size (but gift bags).

There are five of us.

We have said every single year for seven years that we'd far rather she bought much less.

Each and every year she buys more and more and more.

I am actually at the point of tears about it. The worst thing is she barely speaks to me anymore, we haven't even seen her for three or four months.

My kids have drawers full of new clothes that don't get worn, we are drowning in stuff and I am on first name terms with the charity shop staff from dropping off the overflow.

Help me. I have no idea how to deal with this. It's claustrophobic and embarrassing and I know it sounds like a non problem but I find it really stressful.

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 13/12/2013 07:16

Unwrap everything. CHoose one item per person. Wrap that item and put it under the tree.

All the rest: EIther send to a womens shelter, or ebay it now. put the money into kids bank accounts for future driving lessons/uni fees/school trips. Let BIL know that you have done this, and why.

Id even go so far as to say: You embarrass us in front of our kids every year, because we cannot compete with you. SO now we will accept one gift per child, of reasonable value. ANd any further gifts or overly generous gifts will be sold so they can have a great future so HINT HINT maybe you could just cut out the middle man and put the value direct into their accounts.

HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 13/12/2013 07:30

Now that your DH is now on board, I think you really need to deal with this properly.
Donating the stuff to charity is fine, but it doesn't actually stop the problem from happening year on year.
So I would keep one or two gifts each (base it on how many you gibe to her & BIL) then call her, arrange to meet at her house for a coffee, and take the remaining bags of gifts back with you.
Start by saying you love and her generosity, but that there is a real problem and you cannot keep accepting sack loads of presents when you are only able to afford one or two (even if you can, just use that reasoning).

The woman patently needs some help. A previous poster mentioned channelling towards shopping for a charity, which sounds like a great interim fix for your issue, but even that just allows the problem to keep rolling.
Possibly you have the chance to break through her barriers, and actually get her into some therapy so she can stop the behaviours completely?

chanie44 · 13/12/2013 08:37

Can she actually afford all this stuff? I mean really afford this stuff. If she's spending on your family, her family and the children's teachers, she's probably spending excessively in other areas of her life.

I would be concerned that she has hidden debts that maybe even her DH doesn't know about.

AnnieJanuary · 13/12/2013 09:25

I think you are well within your rights to stop accepting the bags. She's basically a hoarder who isn't filling up her own home. Don't put up the photo frames and ornaments. If she was sending you eight binbags of Rice Krispies or dead birds, you wouldn't feel you had to keep them. How are they delivered? You could simply turn away whoever is doing this. It would be difficult but at least the rifts it would cause and the comments that would flow would be the first step in her getting help.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 13/12/2013 09:29

Yes Annie that's nailed it!

GingleBells · 13/12/2013 09:31

I don't know a way to make her stop gently, unfortunately, but from experience I can say that if she finds out it is all going straight to the charity shop, it might actually stop her in her tracks.

If she isn't speaking to you anyway then it's no loss to the dynamic - maybe there would be a way back - but actually, it would be better to do it in a kinder way, I just can't think of one.

But that might well be effective.

GingleBells · 13/12/2013 09:33

What I mean is that unwittingly you're enabling her habit.

She only wants to give this stuff to people she has on her mental list of suitable recipients I'd imagine. That is why she asks if it's been kept, and why your keeping it does nothing to dissuade her.

It matters to her that you keep it.

So tell her, or tell BIL to tell her, that you don't.

It's horrible and awkward but it will probably stop her.

Velvetbee · 13/12/2013 09:33

I agree with posters above. Let your children choose 1 wrapped present each (lucky dip) then return the rest. Tell her you're grateful but you think she has a problem, suggest counselling, then leave. If she's barely speaking to you anyway it can't make things much worse...

Idespair · 13/12/2013 09:43

That's quite shocking but just keep calm because it is fixable from your end. SIL has a shopping problem but let's just consider how to sort your end of the problem first.

2yos presents - give him things you think he will like and play with that you have space in your home for. You could use some of it as presents for any parties he goes to.

2yos clothes - charity shop, someone will really need those. It is silly having more clothes than a child can wear and when we were between permanent homes, my 2yo just had a small pile on a bedside table which was all he wore. You really don't need much if you do washing frequently.

Adult stuff - mixture of eBay and charity shop. eBay stuff that's easily posted and will fetch more than £10. Charity shop the rest.

Your SIL has quite a problem but your BIL must know this. He cannot possibly think that this amount of stuff has been bought for £20 per person, unless he is 80 and has not registered inflation. I think you shouldn't say anything to them again as you've said it and it's been ignored so you can just fix the part of the problem that impacts you.

ImaginativeNewName · 13/12/2013 09:55

My father used to do things like this at Christmas. Turn up with sack loads of presents on Christmas morning which used to upset my mother, as she was scraping by with no maintenance and couldn't afford much but as children (under twelve or so) we didn't see it like that, we just enjoyed having lots of fuss and presents. Usually my mum had bought the one little thing I really wanted anyway.

OutragedFromLeeds · 13/12/2013 10:25

I wouldn't let it stress you out tbh. She doesn't have much contact with the DC's so she can deliver all the presents she likes, but it's up to you how many they receive and when they receive them. So you have a number of options;

send them back to her/refuse to accept them when they're delivered

-open them, keep the stuff your DC's would like/need and give the rest to a charity/sell it/re-gift it.

give them one each for Christmas and spread the rest out through the year.

-choose one each while still wrapped and give the rest away.

-get the DC's to pick what they want and take them with you to give the rest to a shelter, teach them the real meaning of Christmas.

change the gift-tags, if you're worried she will overshadow you say some of them are from you/Santa.

let them have them all and then have a big clear out in January.

get the rest of the family on board and stage an intervention.

Whatever you choose, it's really, really not something worth stressing about.

SpottyDottie · 13/12/2013 10:47

Unwrap everything. CHoose one item per person. Wrap that item and put it under the tree.

All the rest: EIther send to a womens shelter, or ebay it now. put the money into kids bank accounts for future driving lessons/uni fees/school trips. Let BIL know that you have done this, and why. *

^^This. Unwrap it all, choose one for each. Tough luck if SIL gets to hear about it. She barely talks to you as it is and they are YOUR DC. You decide what they have!!

OhBabyLilyMunster · 13/12/2013 11:07

I second the poster who mentioned debt. If shes lying to BIL it suggests shes hiding something...

caitlinsurrey · 13/12/2013 11:26

Do a car boot and make some cash!

MinimalistMommi · 13/12/2013 11:51

She hasn't respected your wishes, so donate to a hospital or another good cause. While you're at it, sweep all the stuff she's ever given you that you don't like and drop it off at charity.

HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 13/12/2013 14:26

I've had a brainwave.
Choose a gift each (pot luck)
Leave the rest in their black sacks, and put away in the loft or garage.

Next December ......change all the gift tags, and give the whole lot back.

Noctilucent · 13/12/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheRedCorner · 13/12/2013 22:02

Give her the option of her picking up and donating to a refugee, hospital etc or that you will do it.

Be firm.

Gillysilly · 13/12/2013 22:35

Has she a shoplifting problem?

Original poster

HankyScore · 13/12/2013 23:10

That has actually crossed my mind. I obviously don't know everything about their finances but dh and her dh (his db) work together so I know how much he earns, and I know their mortgage is the same as ours. So I can't see how she affords stuff considering they earn significantly less than us and we couldn't.

OP posts:

Curioustiger · 13/12/2013 23:22

A family member was like this. In the end I gave presents back and said firmly that I didn't want them and she had bought too much. To put it in context, as an example she bought my DH a laptop despite the fact we have a work laptop. Then the following week she bought us another very similar laptop as a present for my unborn baby. I just gave them back and stood my ground. I can assure you the family drama is less than the inevitable huge debt problems this behaviour points to.

BlueGoddess · 14/12/2013 06:52

Can you not give them back to your BIL so he can deal with this?

raisah · 14/12/2013 07:01

The Salvation army are collecting new gifts for children & people in need. Surely your sil wont ask if you donated a bag or two of the gifts to light up a little kids face on xmas day.

www.salvationarmy.org.uk/uki/christmas-present-appeal

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 14/12/2013 07:14

i feel for her. She has a problem. Reminds me of my lovely DM, passed away now, I lost her too young. Incredibly generous. But saw Christmas time as some kind of endurance test. So much to buy and wrap. It became her job, her entire focus. She was a SAHM.

Handle her gently. She has a problem.

Szeli · 14/12/2013 07:31

I don't think it's appropriate but it depends what the gifts are to monetary value.

I spend £20 on my nieces and they get a sack each because I shop savvy. Lots of crafts and things so she may be spending less than you think. Even so...

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