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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kill MIL

93 replies

Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 17:57

Have just found out that my DH has invited his mother to stay over New Year, so that she doesn't have to be on her own. She is already staying nine days over Christmas for most of which I will be either biting my tongue or hiding in bedroom to avoid all-out war. MIL is obsessed with DH, besotted to the point that I find it creepy. DH is 50 and has grownup daughters yet MIL is still re-telling the tales of his O levels, schooldays, what he did as a toddler, you name it.

I have carefully, politely, and delicately explained to DH that if MIL stays longer than the original agreed nine days, I am moving out to hotel and going to the party without him. OK, what actually happened is that I said "oh f*" and the put the phone down on him, but you get the idea. Am I being a complete cow or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 12/12/2013 17:58

I like my MIL and still wouldn't want her to stay with us for that long.

YANBU

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 12/12/2013 17:58

So what age can't a mother reminisce about their DC.

What so creepy about unconditional love.

Annianni · 12/12/2013 18:01

Why is she with you for 9 days if you don't get on?
I would go insane!

Kantha · 12/12/2013 18:03

YANBU

Thank you for posting. It has made me feel less cross about my MIL who is coming for 5 nights after she cried about only being invited for 4.

tracypenisbeaker · 12/12/2013 18:03

I don't think it is good that he invited her to stay over at New Year without conferring with you first, especially as she is staying 9 days over Christmas. When is your family time meant to happen?

I think the 9 days is compromise enough on your part, so just say 'No, I'm sorry, but she can't stay round on New Year. You didn't discuss it with me first so if she is upset then it is your fault. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own house.'

If he insists on her not being on her lonesome, then recommend that they book a hotel room together (what with them being so close) and they can make their own way to the party. Don't back down, you're obviously being a saint good hostess by having her over for most of the festive period as it is.

thebody · 12/12/2013 18:04

Wine and Cake for you and a Xmas Angry for your dh.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2013 18:05

YANBU about the extra days because he should have discussed it with you first.

YABVU to think your MIL is 'creepy' for the reasons given.

CailinDana · 12/12/2013 18:05

yanbu. Decisions on who stays in your house should be joint decisions. My MIL is ok but after 9 days I would eviscerate her.

Topseyt · 12/12/2013 18:05

Hard to say without knowing your MIL personally. None of what you say about her makes her sound anything out of the ordinary to me, but at the end of 9 days I would generally be champing at the bit to get my house back to myself.

All parents reminisce about when their children were young. Mine are 18, 15 and 11, and I already do it. Why is it creepy?

CailinDana · 12/12/2013 18:07

Oh and my NIL is besotted with my DH too. It creeps me out but mainly I think because my parents couldn't give a shit about me.

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 18:08

Of course there's nothing unreasonable about unconditional love. There is something (in my humble opinion) unreasonable about the way she obsesses about him, keeps saying "you're all I've got" and using it as what DH himself describes as emotional blackmail to get him to do what she would like.

In most situations she is very well-meaning, just obsessive. Her grandchildren and all the rest of the family are as wallpaper to her. Nothing counts except her son.

OP posts:
Idespair · 12/12/2013 18:08

I really do love my mil and she loves me. But I may have to murder her if she stayed 9 days!

Pollydingdonmerrilyonhigh · 12/12/2013 18:10

YADNBU !!

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 18:11

YABU if that is all you have to moan about her. At the moment yes, you are sounding like a bit a cow.

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 12/12/2013 18:12

Jesus 9 minutes with my MIL is too long. You are not being unreasonable. Don't stand for this.

Chattymummyhere · 12/12/2013 18:15

YANBU... 9 days! Ouch but adding extra without talking about it no way!!

She goes or you do simple ask him who he would rather share his bed with for those extra days you or her, if the answer is you he has to make sure she leaves when the 9 days are up.

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 18:15

Actually three days with my OWN mother would be hell. Someone else's is just the icing on the cake!

Nice to know other MILs are the same. Mine believes deep down that he should still be living with her, but maybe that's just normal MIL territory. Wonder if I will be the MIL from hell myself??

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2013 18:17

" MIL is still re-telling the tales of his O levels, schooldays, what he did as a toddler, you name it."
My father re-tells tales from his working life over and over and fucking over. My interpretation is that he frankly hasn't done anything with himself since then - there were his 'glory days'. Is it the same with your MIL? His schooldays are over three decades ago. Has she done nothing, nothing worth mentioning, since?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 12/12/2013 18:18

What's the big deal about being alone at new year, if you have had family to stay with for Christmas? I don't think you sound cow-ish at all.
Surely normal for grandmas to switch most of their devotion over to the dgcs, instead of the son or daughter?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2013 18:19

"Mine believes deep down that he should still be living with her, but maybe that's just normal MIL territory." No, it's really NOT normal. My lovely MIL doesn't think that way (and much as I love her I couldn't have her stay for that long without a gin drip fitted to my bloodstream, and probably not even then).

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 18:23

I'm kind of surprised that the DGCS are so irrelevant too. They do try quite hard, ringing here every week and even going to stay occasionally, but it doesn't satisfy her craving.

Possibly I should have mentored that one reason I hide in the bedroom is to avoid having a go at her for all the homophobic and racist comments. Her step grandchildren are mixed race, but she forgets. Am sure she despot do it deliberately.

OP posts:
grovel · 12/12/2013 18:24

I would hate to have anyone to stay for more than two nights.

Damnautocorrect · 12/12/2013 18:24

Yanbu about the 9 days.
But I do think your dh was being nice not wanting her on her own. I hope my ds is as thoughtful

grovel · 12/12/2013 18:24

despot. What a delicious typo.

inadreamworld · 12/12/2013 18:25

I have a MIL who is obsessed with my DH (her only child). So I can feel your pain. Until you have a MIL like this you do not understand how irritating it is. It is not unconditional love it IS WEIRD.

I would probably let her stay but it is hard not to argue isn't it? Other advice - remind yourself she is an old lady and good to be kind to her, try to ignore the silly things she says. But if you really really can't stand it you must tell your DH to only have her for the 9 days agreed. Good luck.

My MIL lives in Ireland and we are in London so there is a big sea between us yey!!