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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kill MIL

93 replies

Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 17:57

Have just found out that my DH has invited his mother to stay over New Year, so that she doesn't have to be on her own. She is already staying nine days over Christmas for most of which I will be either biting my tongue or hiding in bedroom to avoid all-out war. MIL is obsessed with DH, besotted to the point that I find it creepy. DH is 50 and has grownup daughters yet MIL is still re-telling the tales of his O levels, schooldays, what he did as a toddler, you name it.

I have carefully, politely, and delicately explained to DH that if MIL stays longer than the original agreed nine days, I am moving out to hotel and going to the party without him. OK, what actually happened is that I said "oh f*" and the put the phone down on him, but you get the idea. Am I being a complete cow or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 12/12/2013 18:26

Make sure he does all the catering. And cleaning. And anything else.

Or stay somewhere else. The lack of consideration for your feelings on the matter would really irk. She's staying quite a while anyway.

grovel · 12/12/2013 18:27

My wonderful MiL never stayed for more than night. If she was around longer she stayed in a hotel. She claimed she needed peace and quiet but she was actually giving us space.

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 18:28

Yup, as typos go, that was a good'un. Sorry, folks.

OP posts:
KittensoftPuppydog · 12/12/2013 18:30

She does sound creepy. And I'd kill dh if he did this.

grovel · 12/12/2013 18:32

Never apologise for funny typos. They bring pleasure.

colleysxmasmillofcheer · 12/12/2013 18:35

My mother had a rule of "3 nights only" which she applied equally to both her own mother and her MIL (and firmly when having them together) as any more was enough to try her patience to it's end.

Luckily my own MIL and father live locally so never really have any need to stop other than the occasional night.

FixItUpChappie · 12/12/2013 18:41

Aw come on....she is your husbands mother - you can put up with some irritation for 9 days cant you? Older people like to reminisce about the past its a fact but no harm in it.

Consider yourself lucky - my ILs come for months at a time. I try to remember that I am a mother too and would want to feel welcome in my son's home though months is pushing it even for saintly DILs IMO

insummeritreinsdeer · 12/12/2013 19:18

YANBU. And I understand completely what you mean about creepy MIL's. Mine is the creepiest of them all. I think you need to have a word with your DH.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 12/12/2013 19:23

Fixitupchappie - she is already staying for 9 days, the dh is inviting her for longer!
I think how long a stay can acceptably be depends on the distances involved, and how soon you are able to see them again - so, a month if travelling to Australia or similar only!

FryOneFatChristmasGoose · 12/12/2013 19:27

FixItUpChappie Just because this is the OP's DH's mother does not automatically make them a good or nice person. Even a cursory glance around MN would reveal an astonishing number of toxic people.

And 9 days. Wow, I could not tolerate anyone staying longer than about 5, at a push. That's the person I am, I do need my own space and can only tolerate others in short doses.

My feelings here are that the DH needs to sort this issue out. He went ahead and invited his mother without even discussing it with the OP. Not on at all.

And I think there's something strange about a grandmother who is all over her son but doesn't really register the grandchildren.

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 19:34

I can cope with nine days. I can even cope with the homophobia and other silly comments. What really disappointed me, I guess, is that after years of not being able to go out or being very restricted on New Year's Eve, the first time we finally get time to ourselves and had planned to go to a party as a couple, we get a threesome with a parent instead. At this rate I will be a pensioner myself before I get to go to a New Year party again. Whoopee-Doo. Either we stay at home with her or we beg our hosts to let us bring her. I thought I had done my bit with the nine days. Think I will hold firm and say no. Am taking the Cow option.

OP posts:
BlingBang · 12/12/2013 19:39

Why do I always get the impression on Mn that DIL's think their shit don't stink. Would love to hear all the MIL's sides.

winkywinkola · 12/12/2013 19:42

Nine days? Nobody is allowed to stay for than 3 in my house. I've enough to do. They can cry all they like about it.

zipzap · 12/12/2013 19:43

Make sure you ask if she is now coming later to make up for the fact that you are having to suffer having her there for new year... Ie that it is a change of dates at both ends rather than an extension of one end of her visit!

Or if you're feeling really in a mood for stirring you could say that you're glad she has decided to come for new year instead of Christmas... Because obviously your dh is going to want to have some exclusive family together...

Ok so if I was in your position I probably wouldn't have the guts to say that but I'd dream of it!

ModernToss · 12/12/2013 19:48

Nine days is outrageous.

ModernToss · 12/12/2013 19:48

(Not being sarky, it would drive me insane.)

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 12/12/2013 22:34

I don't think there is an other "side" to a guest outstaying their welcome and not allowing a couple some alone time together in the holidays.
The only thing I don't think we've heard is how far away the MIL lives, and how often they have the chance to see her.

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 22:43

Nah, just talking about all these shit don't stink perfect DIL's who sound fucking miserable and have nothing but disdain for their MIL.

winkywinkola · 12/12/2013 22:45

Perhaps their mils deserve nothing else but disdain?

Case by case, right? I loathe the sweeping dil vs mil assumptions made by various posters.

MN is about hearing each case... ...

Overthehillmum · 12/12/2013 22:47

I love my mum, I see her loads, look after her, phone her every day, but if I had her staying with me for more than two nights I would go ABSOLUTELY mad, my son, her grandson, is her one and only, he is the child she should have had, he is her Sun and moon, my daughter laughs about it as does the rest of my family, but her obsessing and reminiscing about his every move is so annoying, so I feel your pain, and pick up the wine bottle and drink deeply!!! Although I do think uabu, suggest that your dh spend every day with her, organise one to one days out!! Give you peace and quiet!!!

GreatGardenstuff · 12/12/2013 22:51

9 days is extremely generous, unless she's travelling from another country. And to agree more without discussing it with you first is unacceptable. YANBU - stand your ground.

Original poster
Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 22:55

MN is subject to selection bias, same as any other site. The reason the DILs posting on here have issues with their MILs is because that's the whole point of the AIBU forum. On the whole, most people don't post on AIBU to say "guess what, my MIL/DH/XH is quite nice, really, and Incredibly considerate, am I being unreasonable??

In original post, the issue raised was whether the DH had done something objectionable, not the MIL.

OP posts:
BlingBang · 12/12/2013 22:59

So why is it titled 'Kill Mil'? Really feeling sorry for many of the MILs or maybe it's just trendy to give the MIL a kicking.

winkywinkola · 12/12/2013 23:02

It's a play on letters from the film Kill Bill. It's meant to be in jest. I wouldn't take it too seriously.

The mil/dil debate is eternal. It's always been a standing joke - look at 70's/80's male comedians referring to their mils in stand up.

I would take it on a case by case merit scenario and perhaps not regard it as "trendy". There will always be beefs as people, often unwittingly, tread on other people's toes.

ZenNudist · 12/12/2013 23:08

I would go to party on my own. Or say 'mil we had plans, ones iwas looking forward to, we are still going to party together, we already spent all of Christmas with you. I hope you understand that we have to compromise & do things that each other want to do. Dh's family is important but my needs matter too'

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