Kill MIL

[Shesalwaysright]

Have just found out that my DH has invited his mother to stay over New Year, so that she doesn't have to be on her own. She is already staying nine days over Christmas for most of which I will be either biting my tongue or hiding in bedroom to avoid all-out war. MIL is obsessed with DH, besotted to the point that I find it creepy. DH is 50 and has grownup daughters yet MIL is still re-telling the tales of his O levels, schooldays, what he did as a toddler, you name it.

I have carefully, politely, and delicately explained to DH that if MIL stays longer than the original agreed nine days, I am moving out to hotel and going to the party without him. OK, what actually happened is that I said "oh f*" and the put the phone down on him, but you get the idea. Am I being a complete cow or is this reasonable?

gilbo um, what!!?

I am an unfriendly cow so guests get up my nose before they arrive. 9 days sounds like hell to me and your dh is inconsiderate to invite her without asking ho ho ho

There's a saying: "Fish and house guests stink after five days."

I wouldn't stay with anyone for nine days. I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for nine days. My advice is to hand your DH a long list of all the Christmas chores, let him get on with them, then retire to your bedroom with a bottle of sherry and a good book for the duration.

Yep. She's a dear. Although the best life long, eye scorchingly painful memory she's been kind enough to give me was the near-naked dance that she did for me. That was a winner.

YANBU and I enjoyed your title, OP! I'm secretly dreading 'MIL at Christmas time', where she dotes on DH and appears indifferent to her GC and me. Not to mention the presents...without wishing to sound ungrateful, last year's was a pair of knickers 2 sizes bigger than my actual arse? DH got a tube of toothpaste?? Its like she looked around the house desperately for stuff to wrap that morning. Its not about the presents of course, but it all adds to the falling down a rabbit hole surreal-ness, which makes me long for it to be over. So I think you're a saint for doing 9 days! Good luck!

My MIL looks like Chris Evans.

I also have a secret third hand.

I quite like my MIL - in moderate doses. Three days would be lovely. Five days is tolerable. NO guest whatsoever is welcome is our house for nine days: we need some space and privacy. My DH travels about 60% of the time, he leaves again on 6th January and our couple time is precious. I had organised for the kids to go somewhere else for a few days so that we could cuddle up and get to know each other again. To add to that that on the first time in two decade we can go out to a new year party on our own and maybe you can understand why I felt a trifle miffed with DH.

Last year MIL stayed for two and a half weeks and by the end we had agreed never ever EVER again. Even DH had told her to shut up. To spend more than a few days with a guest who constantly criticises everything you do, your house, your children, the way you live, and who never stops talking, follows you everywhere, interfering in housework, breaking things, was so irritating we considered changing the locks. W tried organising for her to go out with my mother, shopping, to a pretty town nearby, to give us a break. My DM brought her back after an hour, saying she couldn't take any mOre criticism of me and the children. He then tried taking her to visit HIS ex whom she knew. Ex also insisted she leave early because if constant criticism of me,children, her children, our house, life, the universe and everything.

So we made a pact. We would invite her for Christmas, organise theatre trips, take her out to dinner, take her shopping, take her to France for a few days, and make it clear, right form September onwards, that we wanted time to ourselves over new year and would therefore be taking her home before then. She said she would go on a cruise.

Well, that didn't happen, and she has been ringing me to say that she hasn't got anything planned, and he's all she's got etc. when she didn't get an invite from me, she rang DH and pressured him and he caved.and frankly, if he had been on the room at the time, I would probably have hit him. He is coming home today and has agreed he will ring her and explain there has been a misunderstanding and that I had already organised something so she can't stay.

Loving your title

Not loving the idea of Kill Mil Vol.2 - New Years Eve :(

Your husband shouldn't have agreed that without speaking to you YANBU

YANBU at all. Nine days is too long even for people you get on well with. How old is MIL that she can't be left alone? However reminiscing about her son not unreasonable of her. Most MILs would have had more than enough after 9 days and want to go home!

There are some lovely MILs. My dsis has one Mine is racist and obsessively homophobic. I put up with her because dh does. And if her reminiscing about her children were factual, dh and his siblings would all be rocket scientists by now. But they're not.

YANBU. My MIL came to stay for a week over Xmas a couple of years ago and it was awful. She does the thing of reciting the same old anecdotes from 30 years ago time and again, and it drives my husband mad (I am fairly tolerant of this but I have probably heard the stories a lot less than he has!). They also always end up sniping at one another, and she appeals to me to take her side. It's completely unfair. I cannot win in that situation!

Anyway, we said shorter visits only from then on. Luckily, my husband is all for that.

She sounds like hard work. Any reason no one picks her up on her unpleasant comments about you and your children, the house, the homophobia and racism though? I see no incentive for you to keep silent. You sound more like hostages than hosts.

YANBU, 9 days would be excessive even if she was pleasant company and it is inappropriate for your DH to extend her stay without consulting you. But she's not pleasant, she's racist when she has mixed race step grandchildren! This is something your DH really needs to address with her. (Trust me, if you address it directly she'll just think you're trying to drive a wedge between them.) It's worrying that he is putting her first and not considering your feelings, probably because she uses "emotional blackmail". Discuss it with him when you've calmed down.

YANBU. My MIL died this year. Christmas is so stress-free now...

Not unreasonable. I love PILs and they are staying for a week over Xmas. But new year as well might be too much.

Angeladavieshair, we do push back a little, but you can't be doing it all day, every day: it just gets tiring. When she makes homophobic comment I sometimes ask how she might feel if it turns out any of the four GC is gay, and then she usually mutters a little and stops for a bit. Likewise the racist comments. We disagree with her, but only really get going when she does it in front of the mixed race children. The kids mostly hide when she is here and so avoid it.

Beside, I'm not actually sure she realises she's doing it. I think she maybe has verbal diarrhoea and it all just comes out without her even realising she's talkng. She's not intentionally nasty and I do believe she means well.

loveanddeath - ''if her reminiscing about her children were factual, dh and his siblings would all be rocket scientists by now.''

Had to laugh at this

One of DHs brothers IS a rocket scientist! ... However, over the last couple of years MIL's memories of his and his siblings childhoods have become increasingly elaborate.

Up to recently DH has only talked about his mum in glowing terms, but he has to admit the embelishments she is weaving into her repeats of these stories these days are getting hilarious. DH pulled her up on one she was telling me a few weeks ago, laughing his head off ... ''mum - that is utter rubbish! I know, because i was there!''

Thinking about this its DH you should kill, he's put you in a horrible position by extending the stay without asking you