at friends inviting their adult (step)son to join our joint family holiday

[Merguez]

Now I do not fully understand the dynamics of 'second families' so I may have got this wrong.

We have a tiny holiday house in the mountains, quite near some skiing. It sleeps 7 people.

Ages ago we invited friends to join us for a few days, they have dc same age as ours - there will be 4 adults and 4 kids aged 12 to 14. One child will be on mattress on floor.

The mum has just asked if they can bring her adult stepson too as he loves snowboarding - not sure how old he is but he's been at uni for a while so I would guess about 20. He will sleep at B&B down the road but will be with us the rest of the time.

It will already be a squeeze trying to fit 8 round the table in the evenings, with a 9th adult it will be virtually impossible. Oh, and I am doing all the shopping and cooking. I have said yes because I felt anything else would be rude. But inside I am seething.

He's not 'their' adult stepson is he? He's the son of one of the couple and stepson of the other. So in other words your friend is bringing 3 of their children instead of 2.

Reads to me like stressed out about the holiday and then this is one thing or change that is sending you into a tiss.

If you calm down - it's one more adult not stopping with you but at a B&B. He may be around during the day or around for evening meals he may not. Cooking for one more really shouldn't be that much trouble.

The table situation will sort itself as it's just another chair and everyone squashing up.

If you are stressed maybe rethinking cooking meals situation - is it possible to go out or get take out or plan few quick meals where numbers attending aren't hard to adjust for.

It will almost certainly all work out in the end.

Wow OP I can't believe the pasting that you got on here.

Well done for accepting an alternative viewpoint so well.

Gosh, I really think people are fixating on a, frankly irrelevant, 'how we ought to behave towards step-children' issue.

It's rude for any guest to invite extra guests themselves.

Yes, they asked you rather than just presuming but they had probably checked availability with him, so setting him up to be disappointed if you said no and placing you in a position where a yes was expected. That is rude and presumptuous and requires you to respond with as much brass-neck and lack of care for the implications for your future relationship as they've shown, if you needed to say no (though I think you may need to learn how).

Ski-chalets are often constructed on the assumption that you're not really going to eat in at all, apart from breakfast. Or that if you do, you'll have one 'chalet-person' doing the catering. They don't have 'proper' kitchens and all space - dining, seating - is usually very tight and barely enough for the 'allocated' number.

I get what you're saying about being 'the host'. Do they host you as much? Would they have qualms about asking you to cook one meal in a group situation? Do you think they're expecting to take you all out for dinner one night as a thank you? That would seem normal.

Anyway, I hope it all works out and you have a lovely time. I think the essential thing is that you plan to ensure it does work for you - so that you get to relax and enjoy yourself as well. You're not a poorly paid chalet-girl hoping for the odd half day skiing, you're part of a group that's all going to have fun.

It's kind of difficult op. I think you have received an unfair bashing because your place will already be bulging with people and asthe host, you a being out upon. However, since this is his hobby and he is potentially already slightly sidelined with some things due to him being older than the others and not having the same mum/being there all the time, it wood be a nice gesture to let him come.
Your friend may have been under pressure from her husband to include her dss.

RTFT people! Or at least the OPs posts where she admits she's wrong.

MN at it's finest. Truly.

I'm a step daughter. And people refer to me as such when speaking to my step-mother or step-father about me. This is now offensive? Shall I go be offended then?

OP good for you admitting you were being a bit of a martyr. If I was your friend I would expect to take a hand in catering, cleaning, etc.

I really think people are fixating on a, frankly irrelevant, 'how we ought to behave towards step-children' issue
well OP did rather focus on the fact that he is "only" a stepson, and on "second" families from the first sentence of her post, didn't she?

Give the OP a break! She posts about a reasonable dilemma and is told that she is, variously, mean, nasty, uncharitable and smug. Oh yeah, and that she hates her friend's son. And she doesn't recognise that stepchildren are part of families. And she wants to leave a young man alone at Christmas.

OP, if it's any consolation, I too found out the hard way that any thread mentioning stepchildren will earn you a roasting! This is new though - you're getting a stepmother bashing by proxy. Congratulations.

I get that it was hard to say no to your friend. I also get that you expected the holiday to be parents and younger children. You're doing the right thing by sucking it up now that the die is cast but don't feel that you have to engage in self-flagellation.

I hope you have a lovely holiday.

I didn't say he was "only" a stepson Nigellas?

I guess it was only relevant to explain the large age difference with the other children - and he is a young man while the others are still school-age children. Clearly I made a mistake, and certainly would shudder at the thought that I had offended any step families.
I won't do it again.

But it's not a dilemma! The lad is staying somewhere else and will only be joining them later on.
Mountains and molehills.

merguez i am sure you have the best will in the world, apologies if i have offended you, but the way you put it did sound a bit 'only'.
Possibly I am over sensitive.

Sorry Merguez, but having made your posts above, even though you're quite willing to see things differently now, you must suffer for all eternity. You do see that don't you?

No Nigellas, she didn't say he was 'only' anything.

What she conveyed, quite clearly I thought, was that it seemed odd to her that a family would accept an invitation that was clearly for a particular set of people, then ask to bring another family member, who doesn't usually take part in their joint family activities, along too.

That is, is it ok for guests to ask to invite another guest along on a trip that had been arranged without that person in mind - on either side - the guest family had not mentioned him when the invitation was accepted.

THEY are the ones who (if anyone) should be being pilloried as heartless, not inclusive and considering him only as an afterthought.

The OP is clearly a bit of a worrier who takes too much upon herself and puts herself out to accommodate other people's unreasonableness, rather than asserting herself. That's why she's picking over the step-family issue - just in case there's some nuance there that means there is a justification for her guests' presumptuousness - so that she can stop feeling a bit aggrieved about it and save herself some nervous energy.

She should stop worrying about it but not because there's any justification based in the nature of step-families. There isn't. The invited adults should have mentioned him at the start, when the invitation was being made and accepted.

Rather, she should stop because worrying and feeling aggrieved doesn't do her any good and she should deal with things by asserting herself a bit more instead, as she's quite graciously acknowledged. (No-one will mind if you do OP. They might even be a bit relieved, as it's uncomfortable being with a martyr).

Yes. What Lottie just said.

There is nothing only in the OP. It's other people projecting the feeling.

I'm sorry some of you felt sidelined as first families. That's horrible. But you'll be much happier if you stop looking for it everywhere.

OP, have you posted before a year or so ago about a similar dilemma?

Have your friends been to the chalet before ? Do they know the size of it?
It's completely irrelevant that the lad is a stepson and I think we have now debated that enough.

Fact is OP invited her friends to enjoy a holiday with DCs of similar ages. The addition of a young adult completely changes the dynamics, particularly when the living space is not large.

The fact that they asked and also booked a B&B also suggests that your friends are reasonable people, but they should have considered the fact that as guests it was a big ask - and I would say the same if it was a son rather than stepson, makes no difference.

it's like when we go away with SIL and family - they said oh we should have asked X's girlfriend to come along and I'm thinking well where the heck is she going to sleep - in the aforementioned litter strewn living room which I come to first in the morning? They have a more the merrier attitude because they are a bigger family, whereas I enjoy company but like my own space and also expect to be consulted if the living arrangements - which I am funding a percentage of - are made less comfortable by the addition of an extra person.

"you'll be much happier if you stop looking for it everywhere"
I have apologised to merguez and admitted i may be projecting, so please, no need to be patronising.

Iceberg, no this is the first time I've posted about this. I usually stick to pretty non-controversial stuff!

Garbanzo, thanks for your support and your insight.

Interesting assumption that I was only talking to you Nigella.

There have been a few similar scenarios before - where people have been invited and then increased number of people or expected lifts from the airport and other such things.

One of the main reasons (apart from the fact we can't afford it ) that we'll not be getting a holiday pad abroad.

The key to success when going away with friends and family is a) always to get something bigger than you think you will need b) to ensure each family has their own independence - through use of own car or whatever and c) to get everything straight up front - number of people/costs and preferably household arrangements.

i didn't think you were "only talking to me", tee, I was just answering for myself.
is that not the point of a forum?
and you are still being patronising, you might want to address that.

There was a skiing apartment/joint families thread going on last year; something about someone's girlfriend and younger children and Op copping for doing everything while the blokes went off on their own to ski sans kids?????? But then I think someone fell over and badly pranged a knee or something on the first day, and annoying friends proved to be fab????
Anyone got a link?

Perhaps I feel what you need is to be patronized? Am I not entitled to my opinion? Is that not the point of a forum?

I think you don't need to be shouldering the burden of shopping and cooking for 2 entire families. I think the extra adult is just the straw that broke your back.

Speak to the other family and spell it out that you're not super woman and you will need help with it all. There is no "monica from friends" hosting friends medal to be won and you can still be socialable and accomodating to your guests while not being a martyr.

tee. get lost ok?