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AIBU?

at friends inviting their adult (step)son to join our joint family holiday

146 replies

Merguez · 07/12/2013 10:20

Now I do not fully understand the dynamics of 'second families' so I may have got this wrong.

We have a tiny holiday house in the mountains, quite near some skiing. It sleeps 7 people.

Ages ago we invited friends to join us for a few days, they have dc same age as ours - there will be 4 adults and 4 kids aged 12 to 14. One child will be on mattress on floor.

The mum has just asked if they can bring her adult stepson too as he loves snowboarding - not sure how old he is but he's been at uni for a while so I would guess about 20. He will sleep at B&B down the road but will be with us the rest of the time.

It will already be a squeeze trying to fit 8 round the table in the evenings, with a 9th adult it will be virtually impossible. Oh, and I am doing all the shopping and cooking. I have said yes because I felt anything else would be rude. But inside I am seething.

OP posts:

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Minor · 08/12/2013 11:36

I think you already were having second thoughts about having invited them.

The shopping and cooking is a pain if you are expected to do it all yourself, although I can't imagine staying with someone and letting them do it all themselves, but shopping/cooking for 9 is not really any different to 8.

You say he doesn't live at home but being away during term time at Uni is not at all the same thing as having left home. Presumably this holiday is taking place in the holidays, so for that time he would normally be at home. I really can't imagine inviting the family without him, or being his father/step-mother and going away without asking him to go (yes I know lots of 20yos would have other plans, but you have to offer them the opportunity)

Caitlin17 · 08/12/2013 11:49

The shopping/ cooking point is a red herring. Has anyone ever catered for 8 people and had precisely the right amount of food, not short but with no leftovers? Everyone buys too much food to take to holiday homes.

Even if miraculously the OP has scientifically calculated it to the last gramme it just needs to be bulked out by things like extra potatoes or pasta. I'm assuming there are shops where she's going.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/12/2013 12:30

Any one still having a go at OP really needs to read the thread. OP, I really hope you have a great holiday and how nice of you to be so hospitable to your friends.

PrimalLass · 08/12/2013 12:49

When I was away at uni I still went on family holidays - even when my family lived in Japan I flew out there before we all flew to Bali together. I would have been gutted to be left out.

gimcrack · 08/12/2013 16:37

Have a lovely holiday, OP. I recommend a pre holiday get to gether where you arrange who brings what and does what.

Tapiocapearl · 08/12/2013 20:21

'Hi xx, Ive just put together a rota (see attachment)for cooking and cleaning so that the week runs smoothly. We are really looking forward to spending the week with you all'.

Then make a rota which involves you and other wife/husband cooking alternate nights. Children being in charge of washing up/table laying breakfast and tea items.

Tapiocapearl · 08/12/2013 20:23

Id be fine about the lad staying as long as he helps out

Laquitar · 08/12/2013 21:45

I like the way everybody goes on about the extra meal but we dont even know if he is going to eat there every night.
I bet my money that he wont. He will meet someone during the day and he will go for a drink with her in the eve. A 20yrs old on a holiday!
Have you all forgoten what is to be 20yrs old on hol?

Helltotheno · 08/12/2013 21:46

Can't believe the pasting you've gotten OP.
firstly, friend was rude to add him to the mix, knowing you wouldn't say no.
Secondly, it doesn't sound like you like him much because he was a dead weight before and quite frankly, you're entitled to your opinion. The kid wasn't invited on your holiday, end of.

I think people are forgetting this is your holiday. Holidays are precious and it matters who you spend them with.

there's nothing you can do now OP but I'd make it clear to your friends that the cooking will be divided

you never know, skateboard boy might meet friends who'd take him off your hands?

rookietherednosedreindeer · 08/12/2013 21:49

Well he could be a sociable 20 year old but based on what has been described so far I think he is more likely to appear for all meals, eating the trencher portions that young adults put away and not contributing to either cleaning up, preparing or general conversation.

Helltotheno · 08/12/2013 21:59

that's exactly the impression I get... and in OPs positon, that would really affect my enjoyment of a holiday I'd gone to the trouble of planning. Friends taking advantage of your generosity methinks...

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2013 22:04

Friends of ours have a holiday place. They often invite us and another couple to stay with them.

We wouldn't dream of asking if one of our adult children could come too. Or anyone else. That wasn't the deal.

I think the OP's friend is being pretty rude actually. He will be expecting catering and I bet there's no addition to help or funding.

It's not on.

Ragwort · 08/12/2013 22:15

Who are these 20 year olds who want to tag along for a free holiday with their parents and parents' friends, I bet he won't be paying for his own B & B. I wouldn't have dreamt of going on holiday with my parents from the age of about 14.

I fully sympathise with you OP, but in future, just enjoy holidays with your own family.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:23

Mine are all coming skiing with me, they are all over 20.they are paying for themselves.

Helltotheno · 08/12/2013 22:51

Independent adults who've been invited along in other words SatinSandals... somewhat different from OPs case I'm guessing.

FryOneFatManic · 08/12/2013 23:20

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 11:48:27
It would have been odd to invite this boy to join us at the outset because he does not normally go on holiday with the family and that has always been very clearly understood.

This is what makes me think the SS has been prompting his parents to ask if he could go. He's after a cheap holiday.

OP make sure you get them all to help you, if they're not willing then really you shouldn't be inviting them again.

BlingBang · 08/12/2013 23:36

Bunch of meanies you lot above - you can always make room for one more. It's not like it was planned as a sophisticated adults only holiday.

wonderingagain · 09/12/2013 01:05

I wonder how the conversation will go if the lad doesn't go.

"See I saved £17.50 because I was assertive and told this woman that she can't bring her son. And I didn't have to feel guilty while he sat and ate on his own on the sofa."

Thank God for Mumsnet.

SatinSandals · 09/12/2013 07:39

I think they invited themselves,Helltotheno. I arranged to go and have collected various people since, rather like OP.

outtolunchagain · 09/12/2013 09:00

My eldest is 20 he is coming away with us this Xmas , in the summer he stayed at home but I always give him the option. He is a student at University not done random adult is his own home, job Etc

Oh and please OP don't judge a 20 year old by his 16 year old self , many , many 15 and 16 year olds may struggle with the social niceties but chances are that he will have grown into a delightful young man just as most of my own son's friends have done

PrimalLass · 09/12/2013 10:01

Who are these 20 year olds who want to tag along for a free holiday with their parents and parents' friends, I bet he won't be paying for his own B & B. I wouldn't have dreamt of going on holiday with my parents from the age of about 14.

The clue in the question is the free holiday

My parents and brothers lived at the other side of the world from when I was 19. That's why I wanted to go on holiday with them, to still feel part of the family.

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