at friends inviting their adult (step)son to join our joint family holiday

[Merguez]

Now I do not fully understand the dynamics of 'second families' so I may have got this wrong.

We have a tiny holiday house in the mountains, quite near some skiing. It sleeps 7 people.

Ages ago we invited friends to join us for a few days, they have dc same age as ours - there will be 4 adults and 4 kids aged 12 to 14. One child will be on mattress on floor.

The mum has just asked if they can bring her adult stepson too as he loves snowboarding - not sure how old he is but he's been at uni for a while so I would guess about 20. He will sleep at B&B down the road but will be with us the rest of the time.

It will already be a squeeze trying to fit 8 round the table in the evenings, with a 9th adult it will be virtually impossible. Oh, and I am doing all the shopping and cooking. I have said yes because I felt anything else would be rude. But inside I am seething.

[IDontDoIroning]

I think that adult son saw this as an opportunity for some cheap snowboarding and muscled in, B and B won't provide food so he's expecting to eat at least an evening meal there. Depending on the other facilities at the B and B he might be turning up for showers etc and expecting to leave his ski stuff at yours.
That's one more adult to cater and cook for etc and puts an uneven dynamic on the holiday.

He's going to need an adults serving and will probably drink alcohol too. How is the food budget going to be split (3adults plus dc to 2 adults plus dc or 50 50) ? Or is OP funding it all ? What about the cooking and the pots - will he do his share ? Depending on ages of other dc you might not expect them to but he's an adult.

From earlier posts it seems he doesn't interact with his siblings so unless they get on much better now its unlikely he's going to pull his weight with the youngsters and I don't think he's been a fixture on other holidays which makes me think it's the cheap skiing has prompted the request.
OP- You've had a lot of uncalled for stick on here its rude to invite another person on a holiday such as this although now you've said yes your stuck with it.

[GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen]

I'm sorry, when did you become the owner of MN?

[currentbuns]

Wasn't there a similar thread from the OP around this time last year?

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

I think it's rather rude for any guest to invite another guest to the hosts' own house (especially one who sounds rather anti-social) and I also understand why the Op felt she couldn't say "No". Tbh, I can't see why she's getting so much stick, as she's moaning online, not to them. I think it entirely reasonable for her to return to her friend and say that she will need more help with washing-up/food paid for/cleaning with the extra person staying for meals and to politely ask the the extra adult pitch in even if it is just being sociable.

[moondog]

at everyone getting huffy with each other.
The stepson is not going to even be seen. How many 20 odd year olds are going to want to hang out with kids and middle aged farts?

[ZillionChocolate]

I agree this is straw breaking camel's back. I think if you're hosting for more than a couple of nights, then it's reasonable to split cost/responsibility. Now is the time to raise it with the other family, perhaps formulating a shopping list jointly and splitting cost. Maybe ask if they're willing to cook on X nights, what needs to be bought? If it's viable for them to buy as you go along, maybe set up the expectation of sharing and sort out the details.

Taking account of the totality of your posts OP YANBU.

[Blueandwhitelover]

Currentbuns, I thought that and asked-don't think OP replied!

[nauticant]

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 13:28:36

Iceberg, no this is the first time I've posted about this. I usually stick to pretty non-controversial stuff!

[Mia4]

That's a shame OP, online delivery would have been the easiest option. You definitely need pre-going away drinks or something to make it emphatically clear just how you are splitting the shopping bill, actual shopping and cooking. Honestly, it shouldn't all be left to you and if they did then they'd be very big users but have you even asked them?

I know for myself I'd be offering to cook the first night to say thank you and then taking it in turns or eating out after. It's not unreasonable to share this all between you.

[nkf]

If it makes you this cross, you should have said no. I don't get ski dynamics, but maybe you could have two meal sittings. Kids eat first and then adults.

[themaltesefalcon]

Perhaps I feel what you need is to be patronized?

That did make me snort. So deliciously snotty. :)

OP, you sound completely lovely. Saying no is something many of us have to learn. I'd probably have said yes and then panicked a bit, too.

[JohnnyUtah]

If this lad has been away at uni for a couple of years, he might well have grown up a lot since his kast holiday with you and be a bit more use - and a bit more fun! Always remember he might meet people snowboarding and go out to meet them some evenings too.

[Junebugjr]

I would be pissed off at this, its very rude she even asked to bring another adult along.
Don't be a people pleaser OP, just tell them you've thought about it, and can not afford to feed another adult, and that there is no room.

[chrome100]

I really don't see the problem? Why are you "seething"? The more the merrier, surely? Don't be so uncharitable.

[FixItUpChappie]

Just get another bloody chair.

^^This. He isn't even sleeping at your house - let it go.

[ferretyfeet]

Goodness get over yourself,you are making a very big mountain out of a very little molehill, if you didn't want him to come you should have said so. just suck it up,put the lad on the sofa,give everyone jobs to do and enjoy yourselves.

[currentbuns]

blueandwhite, I think this may be the thread we were referring to? Similar subject, different op after all...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1688425-To-be-thoroughly-pissed-off-about-extra-additions-to-ski-holiday-and-to-get-my-clip-board-out

[AnnabelleLee]

he doesn't want to stay so does one more chair at dinner really make any difference? In my house we have had people perched on tiny tables or stood up at dinner, we really don't care when its about being friendly and accomodating.

[OhMerGerd]

If the lad was bringing his girlfriend/boyfriend too and not just tagging along with his dad, step mum and siblings I'd think mmm.
It'd be mean of them to leave out a Uni student from a family holiday especially if its centred around something he enjoys too. I'd actually find this set up a positive quality in friends of mine. To have good relationships with DC as they move into adulthood and to be able to spend time together on holidays is such a precious thing. In your situation I'd be happy at the example he is showing your just teen DC that hanging out with parents and siblings at 20 is still cool.
Try not to seeth and have fun. In a few short years time when your tiny table is empty because they're all off doing their own thing you'll look back on this squashed in holiday with much fondness.
If you're really lucky it might start a tradition that sees all these DC sharing their time with you in the future and your tiny table will be merry forever.

[justwondering72]

Hi op

we have a summer house in Europe, and DH, I and the dc tend to Camp out there all summer. we often have family and friend visit us, and it does get to be a bit of a squash. in the early years I knocked my pan in trying to be a good hostess, especially with friends. family, it was a bit easier to let them get involved (I might cook but I don't wash a dish the whole time my pil are there!). but with friend I definitely feel into the trap of trying to be hosted with the mostess. and it left me knackered and resentful. so now we do it differently. I accept all offers of help, I ask the visitors to bring a pre cooked meal like lasagne that can be re heated, we sit down at the start and have a chat about who cooks what days, and who does what tasks. and we eat simply, no fancy meals, just pick and mix charcuterie and salads and bread for lunch etc. most friends would be uncomfortable to see their hostess doing all the work. so accept and if necessary chase up all offers of domestic help. and above all, remember that it's not your job to make then have a great time - that's up to them!

[MidniteScribbler]

Personally, I can't imagine inviting friends on a holiday and then not saying "will X be joining us?". Even if you see little of him, it would be polite to at least assume there is a possibility that he would like to attend a family vacation.

I don't see that they've done anything wrong. The extra addition is a member of their family, not some stranger to you, and they're putting him up in a B&B so as not to add another body to the already cramped accommodation. All you've really got to do is add another plate for dinner. You can buy a camp chair really cheaply to fit him around the table, or let the young kids eat earlier or have a carpet picnic instead. If you're already cooking, one more serving isn't that big of a deal.

However, they should be chipping in their fair share of the food budget and doing their share of the cooking and cleaning. That is a completely different issue to the son coming along and I can see why you would feel resentful if they let you do all the work and pay for the food. Stop worrying about the son joining you, and stand up and tell them what you expect from them by way of money and help while you're there. Like justwondering above, I generally do all the cooking when we go away because I enjoy it, but I then sit back and let others do the cleaning up. Fortunately the people I go away with are perfectly happy with this arrangement as they hate cooking! But you need to be upfront and honest. If they're good enough friends to invite to stay with you, then they're good enough friends to be honest with.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

The house is tiny - there isn't space for people to cook at different times.
Can't be that small if all 8 of you will be sitting at table eating every night. I honestly can't see how one more for dinner is a problem. Get the DC to squeeze up a bit.

I don't think space is the issue though is it ( after all, he isn't sleeping at your place). You don't want him there for some reason and I'm guessing that you don't like him much ( last time he was a PITA , glued to his phone?).
Well, these are your friends and this is their son/step son.
I wonder how you would feel if friends of yours felt this way about one of your DC?

[justwondering72]

oh and guests usually bring wine, or go and do a food shop on one of the first days to contribute to the stores. or pay for a meal out at least once.

[SatinSandals]

Rope them all in. If the children are aged 12 to 14 they can have a turn cooking, so can the other adults and give the 20 year old a night to cook. Have a washing up rota.

[Fairylea]

You admit yourself you don't understand blended families. Having one myself I know that you make every effort to treat all step children as your own and that means a family holiday is also their holiday too - as if course they are family! I don't really understand your outrage. You invited them and their family along, he is part of that.

All you need is another chair round the table. You can get these for about a tenner from argos! Not hard.