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AIBU?

at friends inviting their adult (step)son to join our joint family holiday

146 replies

Merguez · 07/12/2013 10:20

Now I do not fully understand the dynamics of 'second families' so I may have got this wrong.

We have a tiny holiday house in the mountains, quite near some skiing. It sleeps 7 people.

Ages ago we invited friends to join us for a few days, they have dc same age as ours - there will be 4 adults and 4 kids aged 12 to 14. One child will be on mattress on floor.

The mum has just asked if they can bring her adult stepson too as he loves snowboarding - not sure how old he is but he's been at uni for a while so I would guess about 20. He will sleep at B&B down the road but will be with us the rest of the time.

It will already be a squeeze trying to fit 8 round the table in the evenings, with a 9th adult it will be virtually impossible. Oh, and I am doing all the shopping and cooking. I have said yes because I felt anything else would be rude. But inside I am seething.

OP posts:

Report

passedgo · 07/12/2013 11:11

Will you camcord it and bring it back to me so I can commission a play?
Joint holidays are a fantastic source of material for playwrights.

I want pre-holiday interviews in each child's bedroom, an interview with parents on their political views, attitudes to drugs, alcohol and immigration. I want a long evening session with lots of alcohol and a tape running. I want meal etiquette issues, washing up discussions and a description of the bathroom arrangements.

Oh and I want the look on the step-son's face as you take the last seat around the dinner table and he has to eat alone on the sofa.

pigletmania · 07/12/2013 11:12

Yabvu it's only 1 person, he is part of their family, he is probably a bit young to have a wife and family of his own to be with. He likes snow sports so why not. I feel that need to speak up and get everyone to contribute in some way, for te food, and the cooking. You are kind enough to provid free accommodation. Btw this lad I staying elsewhere so nothing to do with you really.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 07/12/2013 11:16

How bizarre to get annoyed that it was the step Mum asking you. If his biological father had asked, would it have changed anything when it came to the space at donner and/or shopping and cooking? You seemed to place a lot of emphasis on this being a "step parent/child" or " second family" thing when it makes no difference.

Speak to them about sharing chores and the shopping costs.

flipchart · 07/12/2013 11:17

I was about to post what carbos said.

Don't see the problem at all. I've put myself in your shoes and don't get it.

He's got his own accomadation sussed, no doubt he wil be on the slopes most of the day. Sure your place maybe small but I'm guessing he won't be there that much.

NigellasLeftNostril · 07/12/2013 11:21

but you said it was a 'family holiday' and he is part of the family and still a student. so what is the problem? he will not even be sleeping there, what problem is one extra person 'in the pot'?
is it because he is "only" a step son? or what?
you sound
a) mean
b) like a burning martyr about doing all the chores. why are they not shared?
so YABU

lottiegarbanzo · 07/12/2013 11:23

Oh dear. I think the crucial thing is the wording when you made the plans in the first place. Was it 'your family is invited' or 'you and 2dcs are invited'? If the latter, which seems more likely, why didn't they speak up at the time and ask if they could ask the dss?

If dss was always regarded as part of the family for the purposes of holidays, you'd have known that, wouldn't you? And they'd have said so at the outset, 'that's a lovely idea but we can't exclude dss, do you mind if we ask him, even if he has to sleep at a B+B?'.

If they checked availability with him, then asked you, that puts you in an awkward position.

I understand what you mean about how crowded ski-chalets can be. Sometimes there really isn't room for one more.

As for cooking, ask each of the adults to take charge of a meal, or each family two, or whatever fits the length of your stay. If you need to do a big shop on the way there, ask them for the shopping list for their meals in advance, so you can create a combined list and make sure it's all organised.

JRmumma · 07/12/2013 11:35

I honestly don't understand the problem here, 1 more person round the dinner table? Take turns eating on the sofa or squash up a bit. He is sleeping elsewhere so mentioning that one of the kids is already on the floor is irrelevant isn't it?

I also cant imagine excluding someone from a family holiday unless they were all grown up and financially independent which he obviously isn't if still at uni. If your invite didn't extend to him in the first place i actually think that's a bit mean. If you couldn't accommodate them all then you shouldn't have suggested them staying with you in the first place IMO. Maybe its just me but id feel awful about him staying in a b&b and offer him the sofa or something too.

SaltedCaramels · 07/12/2013 11:38

There is no great mystery to the 'dynamics of second families'. As someone whose partner has kids of 17 & 20, I think the most important think is to make sure they don't feel excluded - same as for anyone, regardless of our relationship to them. Your focus on 'primary' vs 'second' families sounds so smug.

Caitlin17 · 07/12/2013 11:38

I'm with the majority. There's a touch of the martyr about you. There will be 4 adults,5 if you count him, but you'll be doing all the shopping and cooking? Your choice.

So far as the shopping, in my experience everyone over buys for holiday homes. The amount of food you need for 4 adults and 4 children will be exactly the same as you'd need for 5 adults and 4 children.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2013 11:41

Why on earth do you keep inviting this family along to things when you know there is an older stepchild you cant stand and dont want in your presence?

Talk of martyring yourself. ..

Merguez · 07/12/2013 11:48

Ok, I've already admitted upthread that I have got this wrong so maybe lighten up a teeny bit please?

On the step-issue, I used the word simply in its descriptive sense (that's why I put "step" in brackets in the title) - it was not his father I had the conversation with it was his stepmother. Of course I do not distinguish between primary and second families that would be a truly horrible thing to do and is absolutely nothing to do with this.

It would have been odd to invite this boy to join us at the outset because he does not normally go on holiday with the family and that has always been very clearly understood.

It is our house, we are hosting these friends, hence why I expect to do most of the work, however everyone has good manners and I am sure they will all chip in.

Unfortunately internet deliveries not an option in this place in europe.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/12/2013 11:49

I don't get marrying yourself doing all the shopping and cooking. I find that entirely ridiculous with 4 or 5 adults around.

Merguez · 07/12/2013 11:51

there is an older stepchild you cant stand and dont want in your presence?

You are completely out of order QuintessentialShadows to imply that from what I have posted on this thread so far.

OP posts:

Merguez · 07/12/2013 11:52

There isn't a sofa for him to stay on!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/12/2013 11:54

He is sleeping at a B&B.

Merguez · 07/12/2013 11:58

My name is Merguez, I am a martyr, mean, resentful and being completely unreasonable.

I admit it, OK?

Thanks for straightening me out so decisively everyone. And for the few people who posted constructive criticism like Japan and Garbanzo, double thanks.

OP posts:

JRmumma · 07/12/2013 12:00

Ok fair enough no sofa, but if he is staying elsewhere (and they have sorted this) then what is the problem? Do you think he will change the holiday dynamic maybe? Intruding on the adult time when the kids are in bed? Can kind of understand that if you weren't envisaging him being there when you planned the holiday, but if you've nothing against this boy then cant you just make the best of it?

Its not really about space is it?

comingintomyown · 07/12/2013 12:02

Well you recognise you were being a bit uncharitable

Not everyone is of the more the merrier lets all squash up together school of thought

As someone pointed out it will only be the evening meals he is will be there for and even then I expect he will meet others his own age and be off with them

Have a nice holiday !

NearTheWindmill · 07/12/2013 12:05

I think it's fabulous that your friend treats her step son like a member of the family. I think she should have made that clear at the outset though and the arranagement should have been all of us or none of us.

NigellasLeftNostril · 07/12/2013 12:11

I think it's fabulous that your friend treats her step son like a member of the family
he is a member of the family though, surely?

flipchart · 07/12/2013 12:16

That may be so nigella but not everyone acts like that.

holidaysarenice · 07/12/2013 12:17

Unless you are all hugely obese or massively long limbed with right angled elbows... How can you not make space at the table. If everyone gives up an inch and a half, then that's a foot of space!!

Also you invited a family. Ss or not he is family.

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NigellasLeftNostril · 07/12/2013 12:22

That may be so nigella but not everyone acts like that
oh yes i know, I have not been invited to a family christmas or holiday for the last 15 years, so I might be a bit.....sensitive on this issue.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 07/12/2013 12:23

Don't worry about the son it will be fine. especially if you learn the art of delegating before the holiday. They are sharing your home for a holiday not paying for a BnB experience. If you have invited them purely so you have someone to wait on, rather than because you enjoy your freinds company and want to share your good fortune of having a holiday house, then you may need a counsellor. But I don't think thats the case. I think you may be feeling a little overwhelmed at the prospect of catering for everyone and you are probably a bit of a perfectionist, otherwise you would never have assumed all the responsibility, so you are fixating your stress on to the 'added extra'. There is a problem but it's not him, you need to let go and let other help you.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2013 12:24

Other peoples grown up "children" are hell.

I can say this as we shared a cottage with lovely SIL and family earlier this year. She clearly didn't mind clearing up after her grown up sons ( and lazy DH's) detritus as she was delighted to have their company. DH was also pleased as it meant he could regress to being an overgrown child.

Not so joyful for me, waking up early with DS to a living room smelling of dirty socks and full of empty beer cans and crisp packets. I don't mind tidying after small children or even teenagers ( of which there were some) but grown men enjoying a free holiday - not so much.

Still, can't have been that bad as we are doing it again , although I drew the line at a canal boat together. I guess the difference is that I do enjoy their company - just not the domestic arrangements, and will have to figure out a polite way to broach the subject this time.

Anywhoos, back to you. Ok I can see that you are miffed and I can understand why. However said person will not be staying with you, but in B&B, so just there for some meals. If he is as anti social as you say, then stick him on the sofa for his dinner.

Perhaps now is time to change the household arrangements with the introduction of another person , you could suggest that you take turns cooking and clearing, even doing the shopping ( wishes could grow own balls for own shared family holiday).

Flip

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