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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to dislike my child and hate mums who love theirs so much?

116 replies

jigsawlady · 04/12/2013 17:29

Ive got an 8 week old baby and I dont feel like im suffering from pnd as im not sad im just disinterested in my baby but I am starting to feel awful everytime I look on fb at other new mums putting statuses saying how much they love their baby and how they are the best present they could ever get for xmas, etc.

I hate my baby most of the time. She isnt particularly bad (doesn't suffer from collic, only wakes once during the night) ive got a really supportive partner he gets up wt every night feed then lets me sleep while he puts her back to bed.

Im not evil I do care about her and feel anxious if she seems upset or uncomfortable but I dont seem to care as much as dp when shes being cute and he's cooing over her.

Most of the time I wish I'd never suggested having a baby so that our lives could go back to how they were.

Am I being a bitch and selfish?? Should I be loving my baby more or are these women on fb lying about how easy and wonderful they are finding motherhood??

OP posts:
tearsofrobertsmith · 04/12/2013 17:38

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I appreciate this is not how you foresaw motherhood. It does sound like PND and I urge you to talk your husband and your GP. You will not be judged at the doctor, please talk to someone in real life x

Halloweenjunkie · 04/12/2013 17:40

I think you should speak to a GP or Health Visitor. You may not think you have PND, but from what you have described above you may very well be suffering from it. Having a baby is a life changing event, so some people do pine for the old form of 'normal', however from your post it does seem to go further than this. Please see a GP/Health Visitor as they will be able to help.

Good luck OP

Preciousbane · 04/12/2013 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anydrinkwilldo · 04/12/2013 17:43

Sorry to hear you feel like this. I know you think it's not pnd but if I'm honest it does sound like it to me. I would definately talk to you HCP and explain how your feeling. Hope you feel better soon x

ShoeSmacking · 04/12/2013 17:44

I think you should speak to your GP or HV, if not now, then definitely by 12 weeks if you don't feel better at all. I didn't particularly like DS either in the beginning, but once he started smiling at me (around six weeks) it started getting better and by 12 weeks it was better still. But it took until at least 5 months for me to truly feel what I "should". I discussed it with the GP and they didn't put me on AD, but did monitor me carefully. Even just discussing it though helped a lot.

Babies are kind of boring and not really rewarding so I think there's a real shock factor and it's easy for resntment and frustration to slip in. You just need to be aware of it, and focus on getting through it, taking the help you can when you can.

tearsofrobertsmith · 04/12/2013 17:45

We expect to have full and total overwhelming love from the moment of birth and sometimes it just doesn't work that way. I think a period of almost like mourning affects some- mourning for that old life we had, grief for the "old" you, the knowledge that life is going to be different for a long time. life is different but it can be wonderful.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than to talk and talk. It sounds like your husband is supportive which I'm sure will help. Good luck x

ShoeSmacking · 04/12/2013 17:45

how old is she? For some reason I thought she was almost 12 weeks already. My post still stands, but even more so I'd say give yourself a break if she's very young. But do talk to the GP.

PrinceRogersNelson · 04/12/2013 17:45

Honestly I didn't feel particularly overwhelmed with love with my two but didn't think I had PND as I wasn't sad, I had energy and could get out of bed etc.

I am not sure that PND is simply depression after childbirth, I think it is something very different and feels different and this may be it.

I wish I had been kinder to myself and got more help.

But also don't worry about not cooing over your baby too much. Some people aren't the cooing type and much as I love my kids and love being their Mum I don't find Motherhood to be much like a Hallmark card.

Good luck :)

motherinferior · 04/12/2013 17:47

My love, I felt much like you at that stage. Sledgehammered and horrified. And guilty that I wasn't just blissed out. In retrospect I do think I had PND.

Talk to someone. I would talk to the GP. Forget the other bloody mums. They're probably lying anyway. Hang on in there.

blueblackdye · 04/12/2013 17:48

It takes time to bond with baby and to me as well, it sounds like PND, please get some help from GP/HV. Life is just different when you have children, there is no normal life nor abnormal before or after baby, it is another chapter, a different way of living.

SteamWisher · 04/12/2013 17:52

Please speak to your HV. Please. Even if it's to rule out your conclusion that it's not PND.

blueblackdye · 04/12/2013 17:54

And btw, motherhood is hard work but it will become rewarding, don't trust FB or what you see as an outsider, I look very calm and evrything looks under control when outside according to what my friends say but I can assure you that I am overstressed and have no control over my schedule. Good luck

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 04/12/2013 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 04/12/2013 17:59

I remember hitting a real downer at 8 weeks.

I had been ill after the birth with anaemia and recurrent mastitis and had got through all this with flying colours. It seemed to hit me at that point that what I had done was irreversible.

Health visitors are supposed to help with this sort of thing. The midwives used to be keen on you getting a babysitter and going out together without the baby and maybe this was why - it didn't make sense to me at the time.

Do talk to HV/gp.

What is on Facebook is not real life.

Onelittlebugbear · 04/12/2013 17:59

I felt like that too. In fact I still find it hard when people are thrilled over pregnancies and newborns because I never had that experience and feel cheated. I felt resigned to my fate when pregnant and outright miserable once id had ds and he was a much wanted baby! Everyone expecting you to be happy makes it worse.

I was never diagnosed with Pnd because I lied to the hv about how bad I felt but looking back wish I hadn't and had got some help because it ruined the first year of my son's life.
When ds got to about 18 months everything improved and I started to feel more like I thought I should. I'm still not all hearts and flowers over motherhood, people who talk about it as being a vocation and how it has 'completed them' etc need to calm down a bit.

Beamur · 04/12/2013 18:00

It does take some people time to bond - I certainly didn't feel like gushing over my baby at first and did miss my old life.
But, you do sound as if you could do with talking to a HV about how you feel - 'depression' is not a description of clinical depression - you don't always feel sad.

2Tinsellytocare · 04/12/2013 18:01

You are definitely not evil, sounds like PND to me get help and you'll feel much better. Thanks

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/12/2013 18:01

I echo the advice you've had from other posters about seeking medical advice as soon as possible and being completely honest about your feelings. They are probably a mixture of post-birth hormones and shock at the change of lifestyle you've just experienced since giving birth. However, do not suffer in silence - go and get some support from your GP.

Do not be hard on yourself - birth is a completely life-changing event, especially the first and I'm sure your feelings will change in time. Very few mothers fail to develop a loving relationship with their children eventually but these emotions sometimes don't come immediately - give them time to grow. Some mothers genuinely are overwhelmed with a rush of love for their babies as soon as they set eyes on them, but with others, it doesn't happen at once.

I'm very glad you have such a supportive partner - that will help things greatly by taking the burden off you for the time being. Make sure you look after yourself physically - rest or sleep while your partner looks after your baby. Exhaustion is often a component in depression.

Original poster
jigsawlady · 04/12/2013 18:02

Ive been having a little read up about it and I admit it does sound like pnd, but like prince said I don't have trouble getting out of bed etc.

Im such a private person and dont like to ask for help at all, but maybe next time dp asks if I'm okay I'll try and be a bit more honest about it.

Can anyone tell me what gp would do if I went with this? Is it likely to be anti depressants or therapy?

OP posts:
smokeandglitter · 04/12/2013 18:02

Don't believe what you see on Facebook. They may be having a marvellous time, but they may not. A friend of mine who had severe AN was always posting pictures of food that she'd made, saying how lovely a meal was etc. - it was all complete rubbish, of course.

applejacket · 04/12/2013 18:04

awww OP it does sound like PND

i felt exactly the same after my dc1, i even remember wishing i hadnt had him and wanting my life to go back to "normal" :(

but he is nearly 8 now and i adore him. i also have dc2 who is 4, and am pg with dc3 :o so trust me the maternal feelings do come with time, we don't all immediately bond with our babies. and the first one is a real shock to the system.

ps: Fb is a load of bollocks.

2Tinsellytocare · 04/12/2013 18:07

There was a woman that got charged with neglect after spending hours on end posting pictures of her 'bubz' on FB

trilbydoll · 04/12/2013 18:09

Agree with everyone else, talk to HV/GP. And don't believe Facebook, i think sometimes the 'darling angel' posts are more 'sleep deprived zombie seeking validation' !!

It is hard at first because they show no sign of knowing or caring who you are. When they start smiling at you in recognition it makes a big difference.

formerbabe · 04/12/2013 18:09

I must, must tell you that you will not feel like this forever! My second baby was so difficult, I had a really hard time but you will find the more she grows, your love will grow too. I find as my children get older, their personalities develop and it is easier to love them. Don't believe it when people tell you about the overwhelming love you feel, its not always true...love grows over time. At the moment, she is probably just represents hard work to you, things will definitely change, they did for me.

Oh and keep away from the vomit inducing fb mums!!

whatsagoodusername · 04/12/2013 18:10

The disinterest and detachment sounds like PND to me - not necessarily depression as such, but something related.

I had the detachment a bit with DC2 (never admitted it to anyone) and it did get better and I love him loads, but it is hard to deal with when everyone is cooing over their babies. I still don't coo - it's just not natural!

I was also greatly admired for my relaxed attitude. I was not relaxed. I was so fucking tired and overwhelmed I couldn't cope with every little whinge or chasing after the kids. I dealt with the massive stuff and just let everything else go. So what you are seeing with others and on Facebook is probably bollocks, or at least nowhere near the full picture. I'm only starting to really manage in the last year or less and the DC are now 2 and 3.

Some people have the overwhelming love straight away and take to motherhood like ducks to water. Some don't. I didn't. Doesn't make them good or bad parents or that they love their children more or less than anyone else.

Be easy on yourself. Babies are hard. Especially the ones you love. And giving up your old life is very hard sometimes!