aibu to dislike my child and hate mums who love theirs so much?

[jigsawlady]

Ive got an 8 week old baby and I dont feel like im suffering from pnd as im not sad im just disinterested in my baby but I am starting to feel awful everytime I look on fb at other new mums putting statuses saying how much they love their baby and how they are the best present they could ever get for xmas, etc.

I hate my baby most of the time. She isnt particularly bad (doesn't suffer from collic, only wakes once during the night) ive got a really supportive partner he gets up wt every night feed then lets me sleep while he puts her back to bed.

Im not evil I do care about her and feel anxious if she seems upset or uncomfortable but I dont seem to care as much as dp when shes being cute and he's cooing over her.

Most of the time I wish I'd never suggested having a baby so that our lives could go back to how they were.

Am I being a bitch and selfish?? Should I be loving my baby more or are these women on fb lying about how easy and wonderful they are finding motherhood??

Aw definitely do go and see the doctor. It isn't abnormal to feel very up and down but if it continues it's always worth checking and looking after yourself.

I think you have certain expectations of how elated you'll feel after the birth too and because of that I felt very bad and guilty about just wanting to go to sleep. Looking back - it was a perfectly reasonable thing to want to do having spent all that time in labour after not sleeping at all the night before!

Don't fret about how you should be feeling or about you perceive others are feeling at the same stage it only adds pressure.

You're looking after your baby well so she's happy! But it does sound like you might have some depression or the start of it. If so it's good to get the help early on rather than wait :)

I'd had depression years ago so it was easier for me to recognise and get help when I started getting PND. If you haven't had it before it can be hard to identify - the first time I had it I let it go on for ages before I saw anyone thinking it couldn't possibly be and also feeling silly but now I'd go at the first signs! X

ginny if it's the first time in 8 hours I wouldn't wake a baby that age. It won't necessarily follow that you'll have a bad night.

Take the good of it and have a rest yourself x

ginny he probably needs the sleep. Don't wake him. Just relax for a bit.

Ginny - one good tip is wrapping them in a blanket or something before letting them sleep on you (I know, assuming they give warning of this magical event!!). Then you can sometimes manage to transfer them to another bed/cot/whatever without a rat being detected.

No, don't wake him! I am a firm believer that sleep begets sleep!

(((((jigsaw))))))

An un-MN hug for you because I have been where you are too. This could well be PND or it could just be that you are tired and can't see beyond the change to your life.

Trust me when I say that it WILL get better for you, your life is not over and you will get your old life back as time passes. It is hard to see it from this position though. I can remember thinking that I would never be able to do anything ever again when DS was 8 weeks. Now he is nearly 11 I can see that wasn't true ....but it felt true at the time.

Definitely try and find a supportive group locally, a Children's Centre will have details of what's out there for you. I used to go out every day......just to get out of the house and feel "normal". I actually resented DS for the change to my life despite also feeling worried and anxious about him if he wasn't well. By the time he was a year I was so in love with him it was untrue.....I still am.....even if he is a bit mouthy at times.

It will all come together honestly, but you need to be able to talk to someone about it all. You are not abnormal....love takes time.

Ginny are they sure it's colic and not silent reflux? Does he sleep better on you than laying down on his back? You could putting one end of his cot on books or blocks so that he is not laying flat. There are other things that can help too. I really. Feel for you.

OP I found with my babies that I fell in love a little bit every day rather than feeling instant overwhelming love and also found tiny babies very hard work and not very interesting. You will be fine and in a few months will probably not even remember that you felt like this. I hope for you it comes sooner than you think.

OP it does get easier. My DS is a very fussy baby, he cries a lot. I didn't have PND but I found it very difficult as I'm not a natural with children and didn't know how to stop him crying. It was the worst when he was between 3-4 months, I couldn't put him down or he would start to scream and I was in tears most days. He's nearly 7mo now and is still a bit fussy but I am back at work and he goes to a childminder so he's learning to be away from me. He's very active and is a lot happier now he can sit up to play with his toys! When they're so young there isn't a lot you can do with them.

Oh and people on Facebook are liars. Everyone tries to fit the mould of the "perfect mummy" but I guarantee there are some who feel the same as you, they just won't admit it.

I sometimes think that part of the reason that women get PND is the pressure that they feel to be a perfect mother. If it's not strangers in the street imparting their unasked for advice, then it's health visitors, facebook, the media, other mothers etc etc etc.

It's ok to say, this is a bit boring and tedious. It's ok to be so fucking tired that you can't see straight. It's ok to not be perfect all of the time. We're not robots FGS. I have to say that, for me, having a baby was a bit like a bomb going off in my house. I hated it, the lack of routine, the lack of control over my life, the boredom, the lack of sleep.

I love my son now, more than anything. Would I go back to when he was a baby? Not for a million pounds.

Ginny I also thought of silent reflux after I read your posts about the incessant crying. ds had it and it was brutal until we got it under control with meds. Can you get some rest now while your baby is asleep?

I don't actually agree that people on FB are 'liars'. I think that they do post the best bits of their lives, the cute photos, the highlights, and not the moments when they feel utterly worn down and exhausted, but they are not liars - just sharing the good stuff. The point is - they have good stuff to share. They do love their kids massively and do feel proud and joyful and all those things.

It is not normal to 'hate' your own baby, no. Therefore, you do need to seek help.

ginny a friend of mine whose baby was a horrible colic-y screamer told me that she had never, ever seen her DH cry before their DD was born and one day about 7 weeks in, he took DD out to try to settle her and came back an hour later in tears. It just almost broke them both. It just was the hardest thing he (and they) had ever, ever done.

About 3 weeks later DD stopped yelling and 6 years on they have two more DCs and are happy as larry. It doesn't last forever - take heart!

I really feel for you as you sound exactly like I did 5 years ago. I didn't have pnd but I did have issues with bonding that I kept completely hidden from everyone including the health visitors. I remember being given a form to fill in about how I was feeling and I completely lied and said I was feeling great! I did get better after about 12 weeks but I felt awful because there were a few things that went through my head in those first weeks that I still cannot bring myself to write down or talk about. I know for a fact that if someone had told me there had been a mistake and they needed to take my baby I would have happily handed him over and gone back to my "normal" life. I remember one night I was changing his nappy and he was just screaming so I just screamed back at him to shut up, my DH came flying down the stairs and took him off of me then sent me to bed. I still feel sick when I think of that now and am deeply ashamed. My ds is now 5 and the centre of my world I absolutely love him to bits and he is the best thing that ever happened to me I am currently pregnant and praying it doesn't happen again.

Please do talk to someone even if you don't think it's PND I really wish I had as they could have told me I was normal and it was going to be ok x

love takes a while to come in, I felt the same with DS1, I did eventually fall head over heels but it took some time , and its scary as you feel guilty

first time motherhood is a fucking CAR CRASH

and how you feel is very normal and very common

in fact it was easy with DS2 and I feel in love immediately and I still feel guilty I did not have it with DS!

Yes, it's that feeling of life just being smashed apart, isn't it. I remember two friends coming to see me when DD1 was a few days old and I just thought "your lives and bodies haven't been wrecked". I couldn't believe what a mess I'd made of everything.

And DO NOT GET ME STARTED on the people - total bloody strangers - who tell you to "enjoy it while it lasts".

OP I don't know what you think PND is- a failure, neglect, violence, being crazy, inability to function.

BUT all the feelings you mention- the emotional numbness, not able to meet your own needs, only looking after your baby, sound like mild PND to me.

These poorly feelings can be exasperated by lack of sleep.

Go to your GP and say that you don't feel like you've bonded, even though you are well able to care for her, and wonder if you have PND? She may well advise you that a lot of new mothers feel this way, especially if they have lack of sleep.

If you had a traumatic birth you may need to process it and some counselling and post birth de briefing may be what you need, so have a think about this and ask for it if you think it would benefit you.

Sometimes we consider ourselves as very stoical, whereas in fact we are just emotionally shut down. This may be the best opportunity in your life of learning how to live with emotions that you formally were able to repress and control.

If you're introverted you may find the constant presence of a babe too much to cope with in which case you need to recruit some help.

It's not easy asking for help if you're not used to doing it, but if you need more 'me time' to process what has happened to you, well, then , you HAVE to ask to get it.

I would start by asking the GP what she thought about your cold feelings.

Personally I think you're having a rebalance of hormones from having massive hormone levels in pregnancy to having a low level now your placenta is gone. Sometimes anti depressants bridge the gap between when your own body acclimatises to the low hormone levels and help you through the mummy trenches tunnels of the first few months campaign.

I would advise you go to your GP, DO NOT think of yourself as a failure, consider you've been through a very life altering experience, and are doing marvellously to have sought help her and you sound like a wonderful mummy.

The feeling of enjoying it will come with time, and until then, get all the help you can, and that includes talking with your GP and maybe going on anti depressants to bridge the gap.

Best of luck with it all, and keep posting!

I agree, your baby does break you- she needs to, so you can rebuild yourself as her mother.

It's simple as that, she makes you the way she needs you to be.

It's a metamorphosis. You are also born the day she is.

I have a nearly 6 month old and felt like you do. I still don't feel like I'm 'getting' it like other people in my NCT group, but it is gradually getting better. I had a lot of support in specialist unit whilst pregnant because from suffering a lot of anxiety whilst pregnant, and that continued after too. It wasn't a magic bullet but it helped knowing I could ring someone when I felt minutes away from leaving the baby in the house, packing my bags and just leaving a note.

I would also encourage you to seek help, but also to take heart that the different 'phases' do change, even though they feel never ending when you're in them.

When I had my first child, I had really no experience of babies at all and he just felt so ...alien, I guess.To begin with I just had to regard it asa very hard job of work.But at about 3 months the feelings of love did kick in.
Remember MN is anonymous , so we can all speak the truth, wheeras Facebook and RL are not and people are maybe not so honest.

I think people forget how long it takes your body to recover from being pregnant and giving birth - all the hormones too.

It's a lot longer than people think even once you go back to looking relatively OK...

People forget or don't realise and then maybe don't look out for a new mother as well as they should.

I remember those awful weepy days a few weeks after the birth it's all really scary!

Also throw in no sleep and possibly outside pressure to be up and about "getting on" with things as normal it can soon start to get too much.

I remember DH bringing DD to me for what seemed like the tenth time that night for a bf and I just shook my head and said "No - just no! Take her away - no more!"

Poor DH just sat in the corner looking a bit unsure as to what to do next. Of course two minutes later I sat up and said "bring her back then" and did the feed but I can completely understand people having those moments where they just want to run for the hills!

If they're happening more and more often it's good to tell someone and it can be helped. There's no shame at all in fact you're doing your child a favour by looking after your own health too.

When I had my first child, I had really no experience of babies at all

Me neither - I dreaded DH's first day back at work after paternity leave.

I felt so proud when he came home that first day and I'd actually managed to keep her alive all by myself until dinner time! I think I thought she would just spontaneously combust the second I was left in sole charge