I've come late to this. You've had some very good advice so I'm really just reiterating. But your post resonated with me. I had twins seven years ago and was incredibly excited and over the moon about it all (on the back of fertility treatment and thinking we might never have a baby). So whilst those babies were growing inside me I felt strong love for them - I vividly remember staring at my bump just feeling total love for these two unknown beings inside me.
I then had a very complicated final trimester, a disastrous birth followed by a shitty first week in hospital I remember on the day of their birth when I came round from the GA (in searing agony) being shown my two babies and feeling nothing. It felt as if my life was a car that was driving off the road and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't understand why I felt nothing but horror at the whole situation and little more than curiosity about my babies. I certainly didn't love them, although I went through the motions in front of the midwives and my husband and relatives.
And when we got home it was no better. I was in total bodyshock and really the crying and relentless feeding of and caring for two tiny newborns was overwhelming. I wanted to hide in a dark room for a week and recover but I couldn't. Everyone was expecting me to be having a lovely time and love my babies and I wasn't doing any of that - and it TERRIFIED ME. On so many counts. Why wasn't I feeling what everyone else was clearly feeling? Would someone come and take my babies away from me and give them to someone who could love them? Would I ever love them? Where was that immediate rush of love that everyone had spouted about? And all the while I felt I was being watched to check I was grateful for my miracle babies, happy with boundless love.
In all of this I functioned brilliantly. I had no problem getting out of bed and having a shower and getting dressed. The house was tidy and I was efficient and organised at expressing and making bottles and putting a wash on. Those were the easy things, the things I felt I COULD do and I threw myself into them. They were also a projection of coping - to show the world I was 'happy' and on top of it. Not for me, the sad lady crying in her dressing gown. You can be immaculately dressed to face the world and crying inside. My babies were beautifully cared for and covered in kisses and given lots of hugs but there was no connection to the heart of me inside. It felt devastating.
I had PND. Or in my case, PTSD that was under the umbrella term of PND. It was complex and a 'depression' that was entirely mine, as all PND is I think. No two are alike, which is why it can be hard to diagnose and hard to 'fit' to oneself. I had it for a year, during which I went through the motions and looked after my daughters so well. But inside me I was disconnected and not myself and desperate to make those connections real again. I wanted to be me again but I just didn't know how to do it. In the end, their first birthday was the saving of me as it brought all the tension and sadness to a head and I had a mini breakdown and admitted, finally, to my husband how I felt. It was the first step that I had needed to take.
I saw my GP and had CBT and also spoke to people about how I was feeling. Anti depressants weren't for me as I felt my PTSD was about what had happened to me rather than a hormonal shift/slide into depression, and therefore it was about understanding my feelings rather than medicating, but I'd have been happy to have gone on them a month or so down the line if things hadn't improved.
They did improve. One day I realised I was 'me' again and that I loved my daughters passionately. And I do love my daughters beyond all end. My love for them is intense and all the way through me and I have never loved anyone more. Maybe part of that is because my love for them felt so hard-won. Perhaps. All I know is that I wish I'd sought help from my GP sooner. I didn't need to be sad for a year.
I don't know if you have PND but I would say you would benefit from some support in sorting out your feelings and your GP will be able to help with this. Perhaps, PND or not, your post today can be your first step. From experience, it's the most important one. You will be okay. You will love. It will be okay.