aibu to dislike my child and hate mums who love theirs so much?

[jigsawlady]

Ive got an 8 week old baby and I dont feel like im suffering from pnd as im not sad im just disinterested in my baby but I am starting to feel awful everytime I look on fb at other new mums putting statuses saying how much they love their baby and how they are the best present they could ever get for xmas, etc.

I hate my baby most of the time. She isnt particularly bad (doesn't suffer from collic, only wakes once during the night) ive got a really supportive partner he gets up wt every night feed then lets me sleep while he puts her back to bed.

Im not evil I do care about her and feel anxious if she seems upset or uncomfortable but I dont seem to care as much as dp when shes being cute and he's cooing over her.

Most of the time I wish I'd never suggested having a baby so that our lives could go back to how they were.

Am I being a bitch and selfish?? Should I be loving my baby more or are these women on fb lying about how easy and wonderful they are finding motherhood??

I don't get the lovely, snuggly newborn baby thing either to be honest. They are so demanding and looking after them is pretty thankless, boring drudgery.

Now a cheeky little toddler on the other hand, it there anything more delightful?

Same here for a short while!I never disliked her but I cried because I wished I could have just waited a bit longer to have her- she is 1 now and shes my best friend and favourite person ever!dont trust Facebook. It is all lies!! And please do have a chat with your hv/midwife etc they will look after you,it is very very very common!

Ohand 8 weeks is the hardest point imo. Everything starts getting easier 12 weeks onwards for alot of people!

Don't focus on whether it's PND or not, labels aren't always helpful, just try and find a supportive space where you can talk about these feelings.

For me it was a weekly support group run by a PND charity local to me - I wasn't diagnosed with pnd but felt just like you for so long at the beginning and really benefitted from talking it through with other women who understood. Now my baby is way more fun (a toddler), I feel like I'm back on top of things. But I asked for help, looked for local support, told my HV. It's totally okay to feel like you do.

I don't think I had PND, but I did struggle to love my first at first. I found it all overwhelming, and I didn't feel worthy of him. I think it was poor self esteem more than anything.

As I had his siblings I grew in myself and matured in my confidence, and the love came more easily. Now they're heading towards being teenagers I might know I love them, but they're not always easy to live with.

I'd encourage you to relax and enjoy. Babies are hard work. Maybe you're just more realistic than some people.

I also agree about the Facebook thing. One of my 'friends' posts/boasts all the time about her family life. Her kids spent their time in daycare - even when she wasn't working.

I also had very similar thoughts OP. I met DS'S physical needs but I felt no emotional connection with him. Definitely speak to your HV or GP about it as in my experience, I found that my feelings quickly spiralled down. At my lowest point, I remember sitting on a park bench with DS'S pram next to me and seriously considering walking off and leaving him there so I could get my old life back. My PND also manifested itself as extreme anxiety over all aspects of DS'S life which was mentally exhausting.

My GP arranged counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy for me. Anti depressants were discussed as the next step but for me, the combination of the counselling, therapy and time passing so DS became more rewarding was sufficient.

While some mothers adore the newborn stage, a lot of us really struggle with it and that doesn't make us bad people. It will get better. My little man is now 2 and I love him to bits. He's such a little character and I'm definitely better suited to this stage of parenting.

When my first was tiny my overwhelming thought was 'oh well he'll leave home in 18 years' (!). Well he's 26 now, left home and I STILL miss him. Love him completely and absolutely. Babies are crap. Good job they grow up.

Sorry to hear this OP but you are right to post and I felt exactly the same. I didn't have PND but was just underwhelmed by my actual baby while being overwhelmed with tiredness and boredom iyswim. I remember sitting in a Mothercare café with my newborn, watching another mother shower her baby with kisses and I remember thinking "Oh, is that how I'm supposed to feel?" I was looking after her properly and everything but I didn't feel connected.

Cut to 7 years later and she and DS are light of my life. I actually fell in love with her at 4 months old when she first laughed - my heart jumped and my stomach turned over when I heard it! So it all got a bit more natural but babies are rubbish generally and I've loved mine more with every year that takes us further away from babyhood.

Please do speak to your HV or GP OP. I was offered both anti-ds and counselling when I had PND, both helped. My friend was invited to a support group which she found very helpful. I also found reading up on it helped me - the Mind website was pretty good.

Within a few weeks I felt so much better, not quite my normal self but not far off. I'm so glad I took that step and asked for help. It made everything much more enjoyable.

I'm another one who would take Facebook with a pinch of salt. I sometimes wonder who some of those shouting the loudest are trying to convince more - the rest of us or themselves

Also I do think some people just aren't really baby people. I have to say I enjoyed my babies much more when I had a toddler in tow too - counter intuitive though that may sound - I had my parenting life/network sorted and could appreciate the baby stuff more when it wasn't the only thing I had to do, if that makes sense?

Another thought - what are you missing most from your pre-baby life? Is there any way you can do that with your baby in tow? Small babies are really quite portable - while obviously I'm not suggesting you take her out clubbing you could go out for a drink or a meal?

OP, I echo the others. It really does sound like PND. Please see your gp or a hv and tell them how you feel.

Keep off facebook for a while too - it's all lies!!

Love for your children grows over time. A lot of women feel overwhelmed by motherhood and the reality of a newborn. It will get better. But please talk to someone.

Look after yourself. x

Thanks everyone for the posts, never imagined I'd get such a positive response from aibu!

It does feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted that so many of you have felt the same and being able to admit even just on here how I really feel, i think the low self esteem someone mentioned might really be affecting me as i dont feel I'm very good at looking after her (I'm always complaining to dp that she must hate me cos she never cries as badly with him)

The hv is coming next thursday so I'll try and discuss it with her, before then I might try exercise and healthy diet and hopefully that'll help.

Thanks again everyone. You've restored my faith in people.

Un-Mumsnettish hug OP I could have written your post 16 years ago.

I didn't think I had PND, staggered on and had a very crap couple of years as a result. Listen to all the sympathy and good advice up-thread and talk to your health visitor and your doctor about how you're feeling. It took me a long while to bond with DS1 ( he's the apple of my eye now, the great hairy galoot ) and I really resented him for re-arranging my life ...

Facebook is a load of bollocks. It's people telling you how they want their life to be seen, not how it actually is!

Good luck.

I know where you're coming from op. My Ds is 6 weeks and cries incessantly. Drs say it's colic and nothing can be done and I have months of this yet to come. We're at our wits end. I hate being a mum and am in tears every day wishing we could have our old, happy life back. I have no idea how we will survive with this. Neither of us sleep. I almost fell asleep behind the wheel of my car last night because I have to take Ds for a drive to settle him ( my Dh had already walked him for an hour to no avail). It's hell. I'm very well supported too and I still feel like this. I've told my Hv most of this and she and my GP are keeping en eye on me, but they can't stop my son crying.

I agree that it sounds like you might have PND so I am really glad to read through to your post that you are going to speak to your HV.

All I had to add was to the number of people who say that they are not 'baby people'. I am always massively broody but I have babies to have toddlers and beyond. I do love my babies but, oh, life is just so, so much better when they start communicating. Even by 6-9 months, things are so much more fun. They are less demanding and can express themselves a bit better.

Obviously medical treatments are really important for PND, so I am certainly not suggesting these are alternatives, but do try to eat well & get some fresh air and exercise (even a 10 minute walk round the block with the pushchair). I know that my mood is worse if I don't do those things.

You said, "(I'm always complaining to dp that she must hate me cos she never cries as badly with him)". I've always found that when the children don't want milk, they settle better with my DH. It is almost as if they can smell the milk and are thinking, "But I don't want that, I just want sleep/cuddles etc"! That's my theory anyway!

Hope knowing you are have a bit of a plan is making you feel a little better.

ginny, my heart goes out to you. Please be so careful and try not to drive so tired. (Easy to say this side of the computer, I know!)

If things are getting too much, you are going to do NO HARM by putting the crying baby in the cot for 10 minutes and standing out in the garden, getting in a cup of tea, whatever for a break.

www.cry-sis.org.uk/cry.html#still

www.cry-sis.org.uk/cry.html#still

One ghing I heard about collic ginny is it oretty much magically switches off at 12 weeks so you're half way through. Hope that let's you see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Ginny I think I cried every day for the first month of my dd's life. Sorry you are having such a hard time- babies with colic do try the most patient of people and you feel it will never end. But I promise you it will. Do whatever you have to do to stay sane- moan with your partner, put them in a sling and carry them around, do whatever, this will pass but it is so hard in the middle of it.

I agree with those saying stay off Facebook (or block/hide the offenders) it is making you feel worse.

Having a baby is hard work, no doubt and it can take time for some people to bond, however, I am but a cyber body behind a keyboard with no medical qualifications whatsoever and as such I am not the best to advise you on this. What I do think is that you should speak with your GP or health visitor, just to be sure. PND or depression isn't about feeling 'sad' it takes many forms, you can be desolate, angry, or apathetic and completely disinterested, or all of the above and some more besides. It isn't an exact science and you may have PND but I am not in a position to diagnose you. Please visit your GP, it is obviously bothering you or you wouldn't be writing on here about it.

I hope things get better for you OP.

Apologies I see you are visiting you HV - I hope that goes well. As I said this can be a difficult time for many people. Take care of yourself.

I felt like this too. I did have pretty bad PND. I identify v. much with grimbletart's post - the first time I felt real liking for DS was when he went on bottle strike as we were trying to introduce a bottle so that he could start with a childminder. Even though it was super stressful and inconvenient that he wouldn't have it there was something nice about the fact that he was clearly making a decision/expressing a preference for himself.

DS is a year now and I still worry that my feelings are not as straightforward as they are "meant" to be. But I definitely enjoy him more and more and I'm positively looking forward to the "terrible twos". I find tantrums etc SO much easier and more enjoyable to deal with than the overwhelming intimacy (and yet no communication) of those first few months. I did some infant-child psychotherapy (as I couldn't take ADs for medical reasons) which was v. helpful and the lady I saw mentioned that women that really love the first few months often actually find the transition into toddlerhood quite difficult and upsetting.

Thanks ladies, sorry I've done a bit of thread hijacking, I didn't have guts to start my own sorry. May I just quickly ask one question. Ds is miraculously asleep on me for the first time in 8 hours. He had done this once in the past but then the night was worse than usual. Should I wake him in the hope he'll be ok tonight or let him rest? Sorry again I know this isn't my thread.