To want my DS to have his own room??

[Carlat86]

My DP and I have recently had a baby and are looking at buying a house. We need at least 3 bedrooms because he has children from a previous relationship 1D (13) + 2S (12 + 7). The house we are renting at the moment has 3 bedrooms with SD in her own room and SS1 & 2 in a room. DS is 4 months old and still in with us.
We only have the SC every other weekend due to DP work commitments. They don't spend much time in their rooms, they literally sleep there and that's all, they don't even get changed in there they do that in the bathroom.
With our budget we are struggling to find 4 bedroom places and my feeling is why should we? I would like to have the 3 SC in a double bedroom and DS has a room of his own. It seems perfectly fair to me as he lives here full time so shouldn't have to share his space with his 2 brothers. DP is not happy with this at all but doesn't seem to be offering any alternative. AIBU to ask 3 SC to share a room?

What about a bed settee in a downstairs study/dining/living room

How do you see your relationship with them developing? Are they going to only be over one weekend in 2 for the rest of their childhood/adolescence? One weekend in 2 is really very little - what happens if one or more of them want to spend more time with you, or move in at some point? Will you just say 'no, no room'?

I really think you need 4 bedrooms, even if one is just tiny or usually used as a study or something. Or if your step children do have to share then 1 massive bedroom that can be properly subdivided.

Or could your ds share a sub-divided bedroom with his brothers (as they are there so rarely and only go into their rooms to sleep)?

Maybe make a boys and a girls room. You could get a bunk bed for the older boys so there would still be plenty of room for your baby's stuff. If your baby still wakes at night etc. or gets disturbed by the other 2 boys put him in with you while they stay. As your son gets older he will enjoy sharing with his big brothers when they are staying.

What happens if you have another child?

What about talking to them? Explain you are looking for a 4 bed but don't think that you can really afford it - less money for fun things for them etc..
So if they need to share...what would they feel most comfortable with? And that it can maybe change in the future.
Agree your DS isn't going to really mind/know for years yet...
Instinctively I would say DSD in with DS and DSS in one room together ...but they might have different ideas...DSD might prefer sharing with her brothers than a baby that wakes in the night - maybe you need to go into etc/nappy changing etc etc. If DSD ends up sharing a bed/area hidden by a curtain rather than a wall might be enough to give her a sense of privacy/own space.

Give them a choice...involve them in the decision and they are less likely to feel resentment...

OP, what happens if you have another baby?

If you can't afford 4 beds then obviously someone has to compromise. Whilst it wouldn't do her any actual harm, I think that asking dsd to share with two smelly pre-teen boys (they all are!) while a baby has his own room is giving a very unwelcoming vibe. As the scs grow, they may want to come and go less regularly and it would be nice if they could keep some of their stuff at dad's.

Your ds will be in a cot and won't give a damn for a couple of years anyway. I think that one boys' room, one girl's room and moving the babe into your room while the other kids are there seems the best option.

I can see where yo're coming from - your baby will only be a baby for a very short time. Not fair to ask the teen girl and boys to share, though. You either need 4 bedrooms or a downstairs room that can be shut off, that you can put a sofa bed in, so she can have some overnight privacy when she visits.

Could you get a 3 bedroom and you and DP have the second biggest room? Then DS has the biggest room with bunks in for DSSs to share. And DSD has the smallest room. A compromise of sorts?

Wrote a massive reply but then iPad ran out of battery so had to start again.. Grr
So, I've had a sleep on it and you know you're right, I just needed someone to say it. DSD & DSS can't share, it's not fair on her. My brother and I are the same age apart as DSD and DSS and even though we didn't share a room, I didn't even want him within a 5 mile radius of my room when I was a teen. When the time is right DS can go in with DSSs. Even though they may not want to now, any one of them could decide they want to live with us full time and we need to be ready to have them.
Sorry for the lack of 'D' in the front, I'm new to this and honestly didn't know there was supposed to be a 'D'. I just wanted to clear something up, as I feel I need to defend myself on a few points, my DSC mean the absolute world to me and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in their own home. Up until we found out I was pregnant, due to PCOS, we never thought we would have any children. We were together for 3 years not being careful before I fell pregnant. So it was a bit of a surprise when it did happen and wasn't a case of deciding to have a baby that we didn't have room for.
I came to mumsnet to get some unbiased advice on what to do really and you have all helped me a lot and put things into a perspective that I hadn't looked at.
Thanks very much. Please continue to debate.
P.S. we only have the kids every other weekend because DP works alternate weekends and is sometimes there over night so not feasible to have them every weekend. Although we do if he doesn't have a shift on the weekend. We do have them more during the holidays. And the older two pop in sometimes during the week as their school is close by - mainly just to eat dinner but on occasion if DP is off the next day or on a late they'll stay over. Basically we have them as often as we can.

I'd get some beds like this www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/50080315/ for your DSD's room

and this www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/00247978/ with this www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/90247988/ for your DS/DSS's room.

Then you can use your DSD's room as a guest room if she isn't there, and there is space in the drawers under the bed for her stuff. Also having a daybed in your DS's room will end up being really useful if he's ill and you want to sleep in there with him, when he's older he can have friends to sleep over etc as well as his brother's staying there. There's a bunk bed version too when he's out of a cot.

Obviously 4 bedrooms would be better, but not everyone lives in an ideal world. You just need a bit of creativity and willingness to compromise a bit

I do think however that putting all the SDC in one room doesn't make sense unless you give them the smallest room as they aren't there that often, but if you squeeze them all in the smallest room when they are there,there is no more pointed way of telling them that you think they are way less important than your ds.

One solution might be to have the biggest spare bedroom for your Ds, with some way of allowing the other two boys to sleep there when they come to visit (ie have bunk beds and a spare mattress/ready bed of some sort). Then use the smallest room for your SDD when she visits but also use it to store some of your Ds's clothes/toys to make up for the lack of space in his main room for most of the time. Make sure you make a bit of room to store clothes/belongings for the SDC when they come.

Another compromise is to have the 7 year old bunk with your Ds (so have bunk beds in the room) when he visits and have the older two in the smallest room in bunk beds. In most places in the world sibling share rooms, in Italy I know several families who live in two bedroom flats where the daughter and son have shared a bedroom with bunk beds until they left home in their 20's. Needs must and all that. This second idea would be my preference as it would give the older two their own space in the house, even if they have to share

I appreciate though that many don't like the idea of boys and girls in one bedroom though I have trouble understanding why, particularly if it is only for short visits every other week,

I know it was a while ago now, but until I was 17 or so my sister and I would stay on a sofa bed in the living room when we went to visit our dad for weekends once or twice a month. No problem. It just seemed normal that my step siblings had their bedrooms as it was their house the rest of the month and we just visited occasionally. We were still treated as part of the family and all did stuff together, just sleeping arrangements which necessitated the sofabed coming out.

But if the stepkids are only there one night a fortnight, why is it an issue if the teenage girl shares a room space with the baby as long as that two nights a month she's physically present you have your baby actually sleeping in with you? Presumably it's a non-working night for you and your partner so it'll be a treat for the baby, won't affect the dsd apart from having her baby bro's things in her room, and by the time your son is old enough for her to really find him intrusive, she'll have left home anyway. And if it's just one night a fortnight then I do think the onus is on the adults to make sacrifices on that basis, not the stepkids.

You can get a high sleeper bed for her, some have shelving up there so the baby won't be able to access her books etc and space for changes of clothes. You could even put an iPod dock there or a little light - the leads can be safely hook-tacked in the inside length of wood of the high sleeper, against the wall so the baby never gets to them. Get her some pretty bedlinen she chooses from IKEA, and make that wall a feature wall she's helping you choose the paper for - basically stress it will be her space too, but you don't have the money for 4 beds so want to ensure she and her brothers get space in the house as well as the baby. Involve her and offer that as a way she has her own room when she's there, but below her high sleeper corner is your ds' play area as he is smaller and needs floorspace in a way big kids don't. Obviously as your ds gets bigger he needs to have it emphatically explained that it's his sister's space up there and he must respect it, but that's no different to any other siblings. And most of the month he'll still benefit from a nice big bedroom primarily to himself.

It makes sense to give the boys one room with bunk beds as it'll be the smallest, and then split the bigger between the dsd and your son, to me. If you can't afford 4 beds you can't, but it's unfair to ask 3 mixed sex teenagers to share in their own dad's home, I think.

Ask her, talk to her, explain the issue and that you know she's too old to share with teenage boys, so would she mind if her things are in with the baby, as long as she doesn't physically have to sleep with him in the room unless she wants to. And some kids are really fond of little 'uns - she may like sleeping with him there too while he's weeny. Talk to them, see what they say, explain the issue but please don't suggest they bunk in together while the little prince has his own room. If they offer that, lovely. Please don't ask. Look for workarounds.

Incidentally the high sleeper will be invaluable when DSD is too old to want every other weekend at Dad's, and her baby bro can have it.

I'd look on Ebay as the ASPACE ones are eyewateringly expensive new but very cheap second hand, and solidly made. Same for Feather and Black or Great Little Trading Company kids furniture.

Incidentally, I'm an expert on stepmothers. I have three of them. You're doing great and you sound lovely - I'd have been happy to have you as one of mine. Honest.

ASPACE high sleepers

GLTC high sleepers

Feather & Black - this has a removable ladder which might be handy!

Get a second hand one, honestly. You can do that for 20% of the overall cost. DS' room is kitted out in ASPACE Belvoir and it cost less than the bed alone would have. It's durable stuff, good quality kids furniture.

You could make that area really lovely for her while not depriving your baby a jot. Friends in the USA share rooms in college with strangers and apparently the "loft bed" system is how most make it workable, as it creates a sort of private pod in a larger space.

I was a stepdaughter and would have been so delighted to have this done for me, really I would. Maybe it would square the circle a bit? As I say, talk to her about it, have the catalogues out to show what can be done (explain it's hideously expensive so you'd keep an eagle eye on Ebay and make sure anything that needed repainting etc would be, mention the new bedlinen from IKEA too!) and see what she says. She may love the idea, she may not, but if she likes it, then problem solved until DS is say 7, tops, when she's 20 and will have grown out of the issue completely.

I think you should ask your step daughter if she would prefer to share with her brothers or baby h-brother if you can't get a 4 bed... She might even prefer to be in with her brothers if she has visions of babies being screaming, pooing little devils which plenty of teens do (they may be right).
Try and reassure yourself that whatever happens, it really isn't the end of the world since your son is so young and they only come over once every two weeks. When your son is 5 she will be 18, and could be moving away to uni or whatever she decides to do.
I understand you though, wanting him to have his own space.

Ah thanks perfectstorm. We have a high sleeper in DSD room at the moment because her room is a little on the small side. And she does love it.
I think talking to them once we have found the right house will help too. You never know they may even suggest a sharing alternative that no one has thought of. Also it didn't even occur to me that in 5 years time DSD would be 18 and potentially flying the nest. 5 years of sharing with your big bros or big sis will be no hardship.
See what would I do without mumsnet?

When viewing consider reception room space we have three bedrooms but also have living room, dining room and kitchen/ diner so our dining room has been converted to chill out tv room with a bed.