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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my DS to have his own room??

124 replies

Carlat86 · 03/12/2013 23:34

My DP and I have recently had a baby and are looking at buying a house. We need at least 3 bedrooms because he has children from a previous relationship 1D (13) + 2S (12 + 7). The house we are renting at the moment has 3 bedrooms with SD in her own room and SS1 & 2 in a room. DS is 4 months old and still in with us.
We only have the SC every other weekend due to DP work commitments. They don't spend much time in their rooms, they literally sleep there and that's all, they don't even get changed in there they do that in the bathroom.
With our budget we are struggling to find 4 bedroom places and my feeling is why should we? I would like to have the 3 SC in a double bedroom and DS has a room of his own. It seems perfectly fair to me as he lives here full time so shouldn't have to share his space with his 2 brothers. DP is not happy with this at all but doesn't seem to be offering any alternative. AIBU to ask 3 SC to share a room?

OP posts:

IThoughtThat · 04/12/2013 00:29

I actually don't think this is too much of a problem. It's certainly not a long term problem.

I would propose the DSD gets her own room. The other room is set up for boys, I wouldn't decorate it as a 'nursery' just a generic fun boys room. Your DS uses it 12 nights of the fortnight and your DSS's get it the remaining two. For the two nights your DSS's are with you your DS can sleep in you and your DH's room.

This arrangement will only be for a few years as your DSD will probably stop coming for regular visits when she is older. While you DS is little there is no reason for him to mind.

Retroformica · 04/12/2013 00:36

I think it's inappropriate for SD 13 and SS's to share as both have hit puberty. I think your SD should sleep in a room with the baby. I actually have my eldest and youngest in together and it works really well.

Mellowandfruitful · 04/12/2013 00:46

IThoughtThat has made a really good suggestion there. Smallest room is the DSD's, just for her. Biggest room is boys' room, which your DS has most of the time and then the DSSs have when they come for weekends, when your DS moves back into yours for a night.

Just think - in 5 years from now, when your DS goes to school, your DSD and oldest DSS will be 18 and 17, so as ITT says probably much more independent, quite possibly moving away to go to university. Then you will be able to let DSS2 have his own room and your DS will have his own the whole time. This makes a 3 bed work for you.

ILoveNoodles · 04/12/2013 04:46

Speaking from experience the worst thing you can do is take space in thier dads home away from your step children. Even now at 30 I remember very clearly at 13 the moment my heart sank when I got to my dads as usual to find my half brother had been given my room . I was expected to share with step brother who was same age. That was the beginning of not feeling welcome, and being uncomfortable. But I never told them only my mum who I made promise to keep quiet. I never forgave them.

You need to think logically why should a baby have a room all to himself and a girl and two brothers share. If they had always done so fair enough but forcing them to do so now because of the baby has the potential to cause friction. In a way the new baby needs to adapt, he may of lived there first but at the moment he has no concept of whats going on. And to be honest I think you're only thinking of his needs which whilst may be understandable isn't right.
You also need to adapt. For the moment the baby will have to stay in with you, your situation may change in the future, if not as baby gets older you may be surprised at how your Step son with autism is with the baby and that could turn out to be a non issue.
At least while the baby is still new, I dont think what you are suggesting would have any long term benefits.

SoonToBeSix · 04/12/2013 04:49

Yabu and the lack of a "D" I front of sd or ss is very telling.

MidniteScribbler · 04/12/2013 05:36

What arrangement would you make if they all lived with you full time? Whatever your answer to that is, is what you need to be doing. Your step children are your husband's children, and it is their home as well and they deserve to have appropriate bedroom arrangments.

IrisWildthyme · 04/12/2013 05:46

you can't magically make yourselves able to afford a bigger house but your step children have every right to be treated as equal by their father. If they don't have their own space they will resent it and will come less.

However, there is no need for that space to be very large. A lot of 3 bed houses have 2 good-sized double rooms and a single - the one we are in easily has the potential for the largest double to be split into 2 single rooms with a partition wall, so could become a 4bed house with a double, one large single and two smaller singles - I bet you could find a 3 bed with an appropriate layout to do this, and your DS could have the largest single as the full-time resident, then DSSs in bunk beds in the next largest and DSD in the smallest.

Eastpoint · 04/12/2013 06:03

Your dsd will soon need her own space so she can do her homework in peace & quiet on the weekends she spends with you. As they become older is it likely they'll be able to spend one night a week with you & their father? Once children travel to school independently they can split their time more easily so she might want to spend more nights at your house.

minesapackofminstrels · 04/12/2013 06:04

Agree that sd shouldn't share with her brothers. I think best suggestion so far is for girl to have her own room and all the boys have big room but the nights they are all there the baby goes in your room.

NynaevesSister · 04/12/2013 06:13

I agree with some of the others. I think part of it is that you are looking for your forever house - the place you will be in for the next 25 years.

My DSD was grown up when we had our son, but still came to visit and it still felt very much like her room. So we asked her to choose the nursery decorations and colours. She decorated and when she came to stay son slept with us.

Involve your step daughter. Explain you can't get a three bed, and the fairest is two to each room. To make up for it, she and your son will get the biggest room so she has her own wardrobe or shelves. And she can choose the colour scheme for the new room and help decorate it in a way that suits a baby but won't embarrass a teen.

For your son this will be very special. He will adore getting to share with an older sibling and he will love having her around.

lunar1 · 04/12/2013 06:15

What a catch your do is, a father two whole nights a month! You step children are not disposable because you had a baby. It sounds like they

lunar1 · 04/12/2013 06:15

Posted too a

lunar1 · 04/12/2013 06:16

It sounds like they are completely inconvenient to their dad's new life. I really feel sorry for them.

LtEveDallas · 04/12/2013 06:29

I think you need to look for a 3 bed with two very good doubles and a single (or 3 doubles if you can afford it).

DSD has the single, DSS's have the largest double with bunk or small twin beds. DS will be in a cot for 2 years probably so can go in the largest double when the boys aren't there and move back in with you when they are.

You could have a travel cot until he is old enough for a bed, then a toddler bed or chair bed in with you.

Otherwise I really do think you need to look for a 4 bed, or a 3 with a dining room you could use as a bedroom. It doesn't have to be for 25 years though. You may find that you want to move again long before then.

merrymouse · 04/12/2013 06:30

I don't think a 13 year old girl sharing a room with siblings is a problem However, I would be looking for a house that had another reception room where you could put a sofa bed so that you have a bit of flexibility. I would imagine that at various times all 5 siblings might want to get away from each other for various reasons.

merrymouse · 04/12/2013 06:36

Also, if you have a sofa bed in a suitable room and sibling negotiations are tricky you and your DH can also play musical beds and give one of the children your room.

BohemianGirl · 04/12/2013 06:40

Is there any way you can do a loft conversion or extension and create an extra bedroom? or subdivide the girls room?

TBH I wouldnt want a baby in with a teenager any more than I would want post puberty mixed sex teenagers sharing. Its all about privacy issues. You cant expect a toddler to not touch things in his room. And teenagers need their own space anyway.

Given the ages of the step children, they are at an age where weekends will become rarer and rarer as they do their own thing. Visits will be flying rather than stop over.

redcaryellowcar · 04/12/2013 06:42

i think best set up if only three beds available is to give your ds the biggest room as he is there most, pop a set of bunk beds in this room for dss and give dsd smallest room, or if four bedrooms then easier situation.
wouldhaving a sofa bed in study or living room for either sd or ss be an option?

merrymouse · 04/12/2013 06:51

Oh sorry, I am confused.

I thought you had another older DS apart from the baby.

I would put a bed in your DS's room and whoever is most likely to fit in with his routine shares with him.

What will work with the children now won't be the same as what will work when they are 18, 17 and 12, but I don't think you can predict now what the situation will be then. With 6 people and 3 bedrooms there is always going to be a bit of compromise somewhere.

Faithless12 · 04/12/2013 07:07

Yabu. Well said ILoveNoodles. In my case they bought a smaller house (they looked at several 4 beds all of which SM hated) and gave me a box room for the first time I visited (wasnt allowed 'things' in there) Then the next time I visited SM mother had moved into said room.

They need to feel welcome in their dads house. It is not the same as visiting a relative it should be their home even if they don't live there full time.

ballstoit · 04/12/2013 07:11

My DC have to share a bedroom with their 2 older half brothers when they visit their Dad (half brothers also visiting). So, ex-h's 5 visiting DC share a box room in a terraced house (top and toe in bunks + a camp bed), while his gfs 2 sons have a room each.

My DC have refused to sleep at their Dads since the summer holidays and so have their half brothers...they feel unwelcome and second place to the gf's DC. As your DSC clearly are

Iris445 · 04/12/2013 07:12

Difficult situation. I can see that you want your DS to have his own room, he's always at home and deserves his own room. However you can't ask teens to share it's not on.

I think it would be best if you had a spare reception that you put the boys up in when they visit. Two single sofa beds and some good storage to hide things. You could possibly use a conservatory and heat it really well for those four days a month. ( expensive but cheaper than a four bed)

AliceinWonderhell · 04/12/2013 07:22

Why can't the boys come to yours one weekend, and your SD the alternate weekend?

They could all use the same room then; each have a drawer/space of their own - they just wouldn't be there all at the same time.

merrymouse · 04/12/2013 07:25

Given the ages of the step children, they are at an age where weekends will become rarer and rarer as they do their own thing. Visits will be flying rather than stop over

This is also why, at least for the next 5 years or so, you need to make sure that your home is attractive and a haven for your partner's step children.

They haven't got much childhood left, whereas your DS won't have a concept of his own room for a few years, and will likely spend most of his waking time next to you.

stepmooster · 04/12/2013 07:26

My 11yo DSS shared a room with his 15yo half sister for 12 nights out of 14 for 7 years. When he is at ours he shares with my DD who is 18 months and soon gets to share with DS who is only 3 months. We have a 2 bed. We will give DSS the option of the sofa bed if he wants it.

Its not perfect but I doubt any harm is being done. He has never known any different, and like millions of children the world over who don't have their own bedrooms I'm sure he'll turn out fine.

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