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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my DS to have his own room??

124 replies

Carlat86 · 03/12/2013 23:34

My DP and I have recently had a baby and are looking at buying a house. We need at least 3 bedrooms because he has children from a previous relationship 1D (13) + 2S (12 + 7). The house we are renting at the moment has 3 bedrooms with SD in her own room and SS1 & 2 in a room. DS is 4 months old and still in with us.
We only have the SC every other weekend due to DP work commitments. They don't spend much time in their rooms, they literally sleep there and that's all, they don't even get changed in there they do that in the bathroom.
With our budget we are struggling to find 4 bedroom places and my feeling is why should we? I would like to have the 3 SC in a double bedroom and DS has a room of his own. It seems perfectly fair to me as he lives here full time so shouldn't have to share his space with his 2 brothers. DP is not happy with this at all but doesn't seem to be offering any alternative. AIBU to ask 3 SC to share a room?

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 04/12/2013 07:33

Just do it. Then your boyfriend's children will know where they stand and won't want to stay over any more anyway and you'll get all 3 bedrooms to yourself.

Everyone's a winner.

PansOnFire · 04/12/2013 07:35

I agree with you OP, your son will be living there full time so why shouldn't he have his own room? You DSC will be growing up and not staying as often. I don't understand the posters who are using the 'he's four months...' line, buying a house is a long term commitment and not something that happens quickly, of course you need to think about practicalities for the future and I don't think 1 night per fortnight merits the expense of a 4 bed roomed house, particularly if money is tight. In the long run, your DSC have a home they live in more frequently than yours, of course they should feel at home at your house. All of them sharing is probably not a practical idea but I'm sure your DS will want to share his room for one night a fortnight with his brother/s. Could you not have a sofa bed in there or something?

kungfupannda · 04/12/2013 07:38

I don't think that you need to be worrying about the baby having his own space for a while yet. DS1 is 4 and only plays in his room if he has friends round - otherwise he just sleeps there. DS2 is nearly 2 and is never in his room during the day.

By the time your DS is old enough to worry about "his" room, the other children will be much older and who knows what will have changed.

sashh · 04/12/2013 08:01

So you can't afford a 4 bedroomed, and you want your child to have his own room? Er so exactly why did you have a baby you don't have room for?

I think sit DSC down and say that at some point ds will need a bed and let them discuss options of who shares with who and when.

I think keep him with you until he is old enough to need a bed, that gives time to talk to all concerned.

Who ever mentioned incest - no, it's about periods, wet dreams, that kind of thing. Would you want to explain blood on sheets to a 7 year old? How do you expect a teenage girl to?

It's also about teens needing some space.

fluffyraggies · 04/12/2013 08:01

It's natural to want to do the whole 'nursery' thing for your DS, OP. One room all decorated for the baby. Especially if this is going to be your first and possibly only blood child. I can imagine it is a big pull.

I have 3 older DDs (my husbands step children) and am expecting his first baby in a few weeks. He and i would dearly love to be able to give a room to the new baby as a nursery, but we only have 3 bedrooms, like you, and so it just won't be possible.

Our situations differ in that they are all girls, and 2 of the 3 sleep at home full time, while the eldest (20) lives at her boy friend's 5/6 nights a week (but she still likes to know there is a nice bed for her at home when she wants/needs it).

We're going to have to re-shuffle late next year when baby will need to be out of our room at night. I am anticipating baby in a room with a sofa bed for eldest when she visits. I think this would be best for you in your situation too.

I don't think it's going to be possible to give any of your children 'space to study' and 'be alone' very much, as some posters have mentioned, ie: giving DSD a room of her own for her studies. In an ideal world, yes, but many normal households don't have this possibility.

My point is really (getting there! ) that i would be horrified if my DH announced that he expected a room soley for his biological child, and that his step children should suddenly all just cope with squashing together. This is, in a way, what you are doing though. Re-think :)

Jux · 04/12/2013 08:14

I think the baby is going to have to share with you for the moment. Can you build an extension to your house?

WooWooOwl · 04/12/2013 08:15

I don't think you can turf a child out of their room because you have decided to have a new baby that you don't have space for, especially when that involves teenage girls sharing with teenage boys. It is completely unfair for three children in a family to have to share when one child gets their own room.

New children in blended families have to fit in with arrangements that already exist, it's not fair to make older ones feel less welcome because of a choice you have made to have another child.

The amount of time your step children sleep at your home doesn't have as much relevance as you seem to be giving it, and I would be especially careful seeing as their other parent has had another child as well. It would be very easy for them to feel like they don't come first anywhere, and that will cause problems at the age they are at.

Either all children have equal value in a family or they don't. By relegating a teenager into a room that is already shared, or onto a sofa bed to make space for a new sibling, you are basically telling them that they don't have equal value with the new child.

greenfolder · 04/12/2013 08:18

Seems simple to me! 3 bed house- 2 boys have large room to share. Your boy has small room- neutrally but tastefully decorated. Every other weekend he sleeps in with you-travel cot till he is old enough to share with his brothers. He will more than likely be in a bed by the time he is 3.
Honestly, time passes so quickly-before you know it he will be 5 and your stepkids will have grown up !

SoupDragon · 04/12/2013 08:21

I occasionally had to share my brother's bedroom as a teen and it was mortifying - especially when I had my period.

I would arrange it so that, when the SC visit, you shuffle the rooms about so she has one to herself.

SpicedTeaAndXmasCakeOrDeath · 04/12/2013 08:22

Could you get a house with 2 downstairs reception rooms then DSS could have one bedroom, DS have another bedroom, you and DP in the third and DSD sleep in the second reception room on a sofa bed? Then everyone has their own 'space'

Kerosene · 04/12/2013 09:13

How sensible are the older two? From my own experience of being a stepkid, it's making them feel welcome and involved that's important, not the specific sleeping arrangements.
Sit them down and talk about the options, and what they'd prefer - you want them to always know they're wanted at your home, always welcome and always have their own space - but that there's not enough space to go around, and what do they think? I don't think you're being U - it's not U to plan for what will happen when your DS is older and wants his own space - but it's a difficult situation and will take careful balancing and rebalancing.

I wish my DF and SM had talked to us, not just handed down room assignments by fiat - I'd rather have shared with my brother when we stayed over than share a room with a colicky, crying baby that's had it's sleep patterns disturbed by a new person in the room. The other thing is of course that room assignments aren't permanent. You may end up with a stroppy 15 year old demanding a sofabed in the living room and a wardrobe in your room, rather than having all their stuff pawed by a toddler who is overstimulated by a new person in their room, or the boys enjoy being able to camp out in the living room with a lockable chest for their stuff, playing games until the small hours.

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2013 09:22

So the step children only sleep in their rooms. What will your son do in his room? At four months old, he's years away from playing in there by himself, by which time your step daughter will be approaching 18...

I really hope you don't get your own way on this, it's spectacularly unfair.

notallytuts · 04/12/2013 09:25

Why can't the boys come to yours one weekend, and your SD the alternate weekend?

Because they might like to see each other at weekends or their mum might like to have weekends with all her kids...

noddyholder · 04/12/2013 09:28

All boys in together eventually and girl in her own room although by the time your ds is 5 she will be 18 and you probably won't see her much.

AliceinWonderhell · 04/12/2013 09:28

New children in blended families have to fit in with arrangements that already exist, it's not fair to make older ones feel less welcome because of a choice you have made to have another child.

Why does this only apply to blended families? Surely the same applies when parents choose to have another child within the marriage? The existing DC is equally likely to feel less welcome if they are suddenly expected to share their bedroom and parents time?

noddyholder · 04/12/2013 09:33

My mum had another dc when we were teenagers and she prioritised him. The effects of it still resonate with all of us today and its not good

lilyaldrin · 04/12/2013 09:38

If it's only one night a fortnight, couldn't your DS have the biggest room and his brothers have camp beds in there for that night? Smaller room can be spare room/DSD's room.

Your DS will still have his own room 13 nights out of 14, and once he's a toddler onwards it will probably be really fun and exciting for him to share with his big brothers every couple of weeks.

imalama · 04/12/2013 09:40

My old family (I'm a nanny) had a similar situation to this. Could you give your son the biggest/second biggest rooms full time and then his step-brothers can have truckle beds in there for when they stay, or have bunk beds in there plus a truckle. Your baby can have the third bedroom and you move her cot into your room and SD sleeps in the baby's room when she comes. Or you could buy a sofa bed/futon and you and your husband decamp to the front room and SD can have your room when you come to stay.

Sound lovely, a house full of children is my dream!

Daykin · 04/12/2013 09:42

So in an ideal world

dsd can't sleep with dss1 or dss2
dss1 can't sleep with dsd
dss2 can't sleep with dsd or ds
ds can't sleep with dss2

There isn't a way to split it with 3 in one room and one in the other so dsd has to sleep with ds and dss1 and dss2 have to go together.

ds should have the bigger room as he is there 13x more than the others.

dss1 and 2 get bunks in the little room and storage for all the dscs stuff.

dsd goes in the big room, possibly in some sort of cabin bed and ds has his cot in there. They can go in bunks when they are 2/3 and 16/17.

Justforlaughs · 04/12/2013 09:51

I would be tempted to buy a three bedroom ex council house (tend to be bigger rooms) with teh potential to extend in the next couple of years. While DS is so young he should be fine to share with DSSs and hopefully by the time it becomes an issue you could convert a garage? build an extension/ convert the attic (make sure the roof is high enough if you intend to do this)

Ifcatshadthumbs · 04/12/2013 09:59

I'm baffled by people's inability to think ahead/long term. You involve yourself in a relationship with a man with 3 children (one with SN), you know what your financial situation is yet hear you are all "boo hoo poor me and new ds we have to accomadate 3 other people and we don't want to"

Grow the fuck up.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2013 10:01

By the time it becomes and issue the husband's children may not want to stay...

OP why can't your DSD just share with the baby? It can still be 'his' room - she probably won't care.

Do they stay more in the holidays?

gamerchick · 04/12/2013 10:09

I would put the youngling in with his sister.

You're thinking about this now and I totally understand where you're coming from.

But teens grow up and there will come a point in hose 25 years where you can organise the bedrooms as you want.

Seriously this isn't worth stressing about.

allmycats · 04/12/2013 10:09

If your DSD only visits once a fortnight why can't you have a room for your baby with an extra bed in it for her. By the time your son becomes old enough to be 'embarrassing' to her she will be grown up.
You seem to be looking for reasons to make sure your own son has his own room to the detriment of the step children.

Ilovefluffysheep · 04/12/2013 10:12

My kids don't have a room at their Dad's. He has a spare room, but has never made it into "their" room, just dumps all his spare stuff in it, then they have to sleep on uncomfortable camp beds with sleeping bags when they're there. They don't like it because they basically aren't made to feel welcome, and aren't made to feel part of the family because its not their room. They also don't like having to share, although put it up.

They go 2 nights a fortnight, although DD15 (DS is 16) does all she can to avoid going and arranges sleepovers with friends etc. Not because she doesn't love her Dad, she does, she doesn't like or feel comfortable with the surroundings, and they are treated like second class citizens. Their Dad's stepson, who is also 16 has his own room, and always has had.

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