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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DS to have his own room??

124 replies

Carlat86 · 03/12/2013 23:34

My DP and I have recently had a baby and are looking at buying a house. We need at least 3 bedrooms because he has children from a previous relationship 1D (13) + 2S (12 + 7). The house we are renting at the moment has 3 bedrooms with SD in her own room and SS1 & 2 in a room. DS is 4 months old and still in with us.
We only have the SC every other weekend due to DP work commitments. They don't spend much time in their rooms, they literally sleep there and that's all, they don't even get changed in there they do that in the bathroom.
With our budget we are struggling to find 4 bedroom places and my feeling is why should we? I would like to have the 3 SC in a double bedroom and DS has a room of his own. It seems perfectly fair to me as he lives here full time so shouldn't have to share his space with his 2 brothers. DP is not happy with this at all but doesn't seem to be offering any alternative. AIBU to ask 3 SC to share a room?

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 04/12/2013 00:01

'Stop being so outraged, Outraged..........'

Wink
curlew · 04/12/2013 00:03

I have a 17 year cold and a 12 year old. They always share a bedroom when we visit the in laws. And they sometimes even share a bed if space is tight at parties and so on. Should I be prosecuted or something?

Original poster
Carlat86 · 04/12/2013 00:03

It's not quite as simple as that though is it outraged it wouldn't be just the one night of sharing it's all their stuff that's in there 12 days out of 14 that they're not there. It wouldn't feel like his room. I couldn't decorate it for a baby because there is a teenage boy in there with him.
Also forgot to mention that SS2 has autism and he has to be constantly supervised with DS as he's too rough with him and won't leave him alone. Have caught him trying to get in the cot when DS was having a day nap. Just to complicate things further.

OP posts:
IamChristmas · 04/12/2013 00:04

I think the baby should share his room when his half siblings stay over, as you say it's only once a fortnight and he'll probably enjoy it.

curlew · 04/12/2013 00:05

Sorry, the girl is 17, the boy 12.

Oh, god, people aren't worried about incest are they. Say it ain't so.....!

BrianTheMole · 04/12/2013 00:05

I'm sure its fine for your 12 year old to share with a cold curlew. Although if he/ she been ill that long i'd get down to the doctors. Grin

IamChristmas · 04/12/2013 00:05

Oops x post. I think you need to find a way to get a four bed then, either in a cheaper area or by using some downstairs space.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 04/12/2013 00:06

curlew it's not about incest for christs sake, it's about the young woman being comfortable. Some girls just aren't. I wasn't at that age. I think it might be best to maybe ask DSD, see how she feels? she may not even mind!

NurseRoscoe · 04/12/2013 00:06

Could you get a sofa bed and someone sleep in the front room? If step children only come every other weekend and don't spend time in their rooms it can't hurt surely? Either DSD sleep in the front room or you and DH do and let her have your room for the weekend?

May not be ideal

annielouisa · 04/12/2013 00:06

I know how much this means to you but I am another one who thinks sticking a teenage girl in with her nearly teenage bro is not on. As a 13-14 year old when reaching puberty I would have been devastated to have been sharing a room with a boy.

There were times when I was curled in up in my bed with terrible period cramps. That could happen during one of her weekends with you. I don't have any magic answers what does your DH think?

BrianTheMole · 04/12/2013 00:06

No its not incest. Its about a young teen going through changes and needing her privacy.

IamChristmas · 04/12/2013 00:07

I think the odd night with in laws or at parties is a bit different to a permanent arrangement at your parents house.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 04/12/2013 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jacks365 · 04/12/2013 00:08

Curlew this should be their second home a visit to relatives is different. I share a bed with dd2 when we visit my parents but it can't be compared to this situation.

NurseRoscoe · 04/12/2013 00:08

Sorry pressed enter too early, maybe not ideal but better than living in a house you can't afford for the sake of 4 days a month

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 04/12/2013 00:10

Hard situation for the OP I must say, nothing is going to be ideal really.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/12/2013 00:11

How much stuff do they have for one night? Surely you can by some nice wardrobes or something. There's lots of nice storage options.

You can decorate it how you want. You said yourself, it's one night a fortnight. If they can share with their sister, they can sleep in a Thomas the Tank Engine bedroom!

The getting into the cot is obviously a problem, if that can't be sorted you need 4 bedrooms.

The DSC haven't suddenly become less important because you've had a baby.

pippop1 · 04/12/2013 00:11

Any chance of finding a house with a half decent loft to use as an occasional extra bedroom for when the two boys visit? Sometimes these are called storage rooms because they are technically not bedrooms (something to do with non permanent stair case and head height?) but can be heated with a fan heater, plastered, velux window installed and so on. The boys can shin up a loft ladder quite easily too and would probably find it quite fun.

SaucyJack · 04/12/2013 00:11

All teenagers want privacy and space of their own Brian, but it simply can't always be done when you live in a standard semi with three other siblings.

She has her own room for 12 nights out of 14 to faff about in. It really isn't any bigger a deal to share with your own siblings for the odd weekend just because she's a girl and they're boys.

BrianTheMole · 04/12/2013 00:15

All teenagers want privacy and space of their own Brian, but it simply can't always be done when you live in a standard semi with three other siblings.

This might be true jack, but in this case there are good options. The boys going in together, or the girl sharing with the youngest. They are his siblings. So, in this case, I don't agree with you.

TheBigJessie · 04/12/2013 00:19

Step back a minute. You may be able to sell it to us as reasonable (I'm neutral on the matter) but can you sell "you three kids share a room, while your new half-brother has a room to himself at four months old" to a load of teenage step-children?

You're a step-mother who has just had a baby. You don't just need to be fair. You need to be seen as fair. Otherwise... Commotion, resentment, all that fun stuff.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 04/12/2013 00:24

If you can't afford 4 bedrooms, then it's fine to make do with 3. Children don't have to have a room of their own. As others have mentioned a sofa bed would be ideal, this wouldn't have bothered me. As long as your stepchildren don't feel pushed out by your son or excluded from your family I'm sure they can accept that not everyone can afford a 4 bed property.

Original poster
Carlat86 · 04/12/2013 00:24

Their mum has the same problem too. She had a little boy about a year before us and he is still in with them because she won't have the baby in with SS2 because he is a bit too hands on. They are looking at 4 bedroom places though as they have built up some good equity to be able to.
Not sure if I'm just letting my heart rule my head. If this was anyone else posting I too would probably be saying SD can't share with the boys. It's a bit different when it's happening to you though.

OP posts:
IamChristmas · 04/12/2013 00:27

Maybe if you had three rooms you could put a dividing wall down the middle of the biggest room to make two smaller rooms? I'm sure if in years to come your boy was in his late teens and being told to share a bedroom at his dads with two little sisters you would probably think that wasn't on.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/12/2013 00:28

You could move your DS in with you on the night they stay over maybe? So he has his own room 13 nights out of 14 and then have a travel cot in with you to protect him from DSS2 on the 1 night they're there.

I think a 3-bed is fine, there are lots of options for making it work. Putting the 3 DSC in together while DS has a room all to himself is not a good option.