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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my FIL pisses himself on purpose?

96 replies

randomAXEofkindness · 03/12/2013 17:53

After a visit from the PIL last year, DH commented that FIL (who's 64) had been suffering sporadically from urinary incontinence (being generally continent but completely weeing himself without warning every now and again) and was going to see the doctor about it.

I found DH wrinkling up his nose sniffing the sofa after FIL's next visit a few months later, and when I asked him what he was doing, he replied that FIL was still 'losing control of himself' and that his trousers had been wet. I inquired whether FIL had been to see the GP, and DH said yes, they'd referred him for tests and they'd all come back normal. The GP couldn't explain it.

Then last week FIL came again, this time while DH was at work. I noticed as soon as he came in that his light grey jogging bottoms were soaking wet down to his knees. He sat down on the couch Confused and stayed there for about 45 minutes. Then when he got up to leave, I noticed he had a duffel bag with him. He went to the bathroom and voila! New pants! And off he popped.

Sooo, am I being unreasonable in suggesting that FIL is wetting himself on purpose for attention? I understand that the GP saying that he doesn't have a physical problem doesn't necessarily mean there isn't one, doctors can be wrong. What I don't understand is why somebody would not wear pads if they knew there was the chance that they could wet themselves, or why somebody who had a change of clothes would not get changed and choose instead to sit down for 45mins (with his legs wide open Confused) on random's poor sofa. Does anybody have any better suggestions? Am I just a horror (probably, for many other reasons Grin) whose hatred for the inlaws is making me irrational, or is my random-sense tingling in a reasonable manner?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 03/12/2013 17:57

I agree about wearing pads, but accepting the things that come with old age is a complex thing and he may not be ready to do that yet.

jammiedonut · 03/12/2013 18:01

Well you sound a delight. 'Poor sofa'? Never mind the human being that is soiling himself. Fwiw, I doubt very much he is doing this on purpose, perhaps he didn't notice or didn't want to draw attention to the fact he'd peed himself. Yamostcertainlybu. Did you honestly just sit there having noticed the situation straight away and not offer a pair of your dh's pants? My gm suffers from incontinence, I treat her with compassion and respect, not assume that she is doing it to wind me up

jammiedonut · 03/12/2013 18:02

How do you know he wasn't wearing pads btw? Soaked to the knee suggests it was more than a 'little' accident, and more than a pad could cope with.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 03/12/2013 18:06

This makes me really sad. I don't want to get old :(

mrssmith79 · 03/12/2013 18:06

Why would you allow him to sit for 45mins in soiled pants on your sofa? More for the sake of his skin integrity and dignity than your upholstery.
I doubt very very much he's doing it on purpose but if you want to think that way it's your prerogative. He's of the age that continence issues can occur and they are rarely easily diagnose-able.

Pads / pants are an option but there is also the element of shame and trepidation associated with them - can no-one sit down and have a chat with him? It really needs to be addressed (with the right approach) as does your attitude. Poor man.

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/12/2013 18:07

It's more likely FIL is mortified, upset, and burying his head in the sand like an ostrich. I take it you didn't say anything when he came in with the soaking jogging bottoms, being not blood relatives it can be rather hard to find the right words for 'You're soaked in wee, get changed before you dribble it in the house'...

raffle · 03/12/2013 18:09

Why would you allow him to sit for 45mins in soiled pants on your sofa? More for the sake of his skin integrity and dignity than your upholstery.

This.

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 18:11

What a lovely person you are.

TalkieToaster · 03/12/2013 18:11

Yes. He's definitely doing it on purpose. People do that, you know, they lose control of bodily functions deliberately because they want attention. He doesn't care about the inconvenience and embarrassment of it because it's all about you and your feelings.

Is that what you wanted to hear? How about instead, you stop being ridiculous and push for more help for your FIL?

Original poster
randomAXEofkindness · 03/12/2013 18:12

jammie FIL is extremely obese and DH is very slim, so it would not have been possible to offer him a pair of DH's trousers. I'm asking the question because I can't see how he couldn't have noticed and he did draw attention to himself. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be considering that he'd done it on purpose. I know he doesn't wear pads because MIL told DH that he refuses to after the doctor suggested it.

mrssmith What could I have suggested? I'm not being obnoxious, it's an honest question.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomAXEofkindness · 03/12/2013 18:13

If he was embarrassed, why didn't he get changed? That was my original question.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 03/12/2013 18:14

I doubt he's doing it on purpose. Hes a grown man, not a 4yo?

It's difficult to know what to do or say. You don't want to embarrass him by pointing out he's soaking but nor do you want your sofa wrecked! Does he not realise he's wet? You'd have thought he would feel it.

Twighlightsparkle · 03/12/2013 18:14

I don't like to be melodramatic and hate to mention this if you hadn't thought of it, but it could be part of dementia, Alzheimer's etc.

What I found striking is that he didn't goto the bathroom when he came in, but came in soaking and sat for 45 mins.

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 18:14

It is possible to not know you have soiled yourself. Maybe it took him that long to notice.

valiumredhead · 03/12/2013 18:15

I can't imagine anyone wanting to piss themselves out of choice. I also can't imagine posting in such a nasty way about my fil on the internet.

Bogeyface · 03/12/2013 18:18

I think the OP is getting a hard time here.

He clearly knew he had urinated on himself, so why sit there for 45 minutes before changing? Why not wear protection if the GP recommended it?

The fact is that if he knows he is doing it he is being rude and selfish by making the OPs home and furniture smell by not changing or wearing protection.

Or it could be that it is a symptom of a MH issue in which case the OP's DH should insist he goes back to to doctors to be reviewed with that in mind.

Either way, things cant be allowed to continue like this.

LunaticFringe · 03/12/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 03/12/2013 18:19

The OP said that he pointed out that he had done it, so yes he did know.

SolomanDaisy · 03/12/2013 18:20

I hope when I am old the people around me have more compassion and respect. Not that he is actually that old.

Original poster
randomAXEofkindness · 03/12/2013 18:21

viva, that was supposed to lighten the post a bit, I don't really care about the sofa.
binky I really wouldn't have posted if I thought he hadn't noticed, but maybe if he did have the beginnings of dementia etc he mightn't have done? He doesn't seem to show any other signs of it, but maybe this is the first.
valium People do things for complicated reasons, and I can imagine somebody wanting to do that by choice. And I honestly can't think of a better place to put this. I wouldn't say it in public, nobody knows me on here so it can't effect him, and I'm genuinely confused about it.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 03/12/2013 18:21

FIL is 64, so not ancient. Old age? I hope people don't consider me old when I'm 64. Things have moved on a bit since Pau Marcarney penned his tune.

Is FIL still working?

OP, I don't think you've phrased it well, but I think it sounds like a psychological problem rather than a physical one.

Original poster
randomAXEofkindness · 03/12/2013 18:25

lynette He worked up until a couple of years ago and retired by choice, no physical problems at the time. He just sits at home watching tele all day while MIL is at work, he could possibly be depressed.

I probably didn't phrase it very well.

OP posts:
jammiedonut · 03/12/2013 18:25

Sorry for assuming he could borrow clothes, that was obviously impossible. Unfortunately it sounds like he is in denial about his condition, and as his gp couldn't find a physical reason there may be a mental problem here. He deserves sympathy and understanding, which I couldn't see in your op. If you see it happen again, don't let him sit in soiled pants and ignore the problem (then complain on MN later), call him out, ask him if you need to get him spare clothes/ shower etc. I know it's annoying, but imagine how embarrassing it must be for him.

HootShoot · 03/12/2013 18:26

How did he draw attention to the fact he was wet - have I missed that bit?

HesterShaw · 03/12/2013 18:26

Poor old guy. Yes, Lynette, "old".

There are plenty of people whose bodies start wearing out in their sixties. People can develop advanced dementia in their 60s. It's not to do with attitude, it's to do with luck.

It must be mortifying for him OP and perhaps by ignoring it, he's hoping it won't have happened.