Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my MIL ?

119 replies

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:05

It's a constant battle between me and her for DH's time ! He's not just her little boy anymore , but is a husband and father to our two grown up kids ? DH is always helping them ie gives them money, pays for weekend stays in hotels for them. We (mostly my cash from my pre wedding home) bought a home for them to live in, and she is just bloody awful to me behind his back and lately, even blatantly !!! I get so pissed off when she calls DH all the time, he now takes the calls only on his mobile, and he leaves the room to deal with her. I feel like she's invading my time with him. He's hardly ever here as it is. Now DH has announced the he and DD2 are going to fly over to see them the weekend before Christmas, and I wasn't even in on the discussion! They've booked it ! They come back the on the 23rd. Unless snow prevents them, then I might end up on my own for Christmas ! So now she's getting even more of his time !!! What about me ? What about what I want ? Why wasn't I even considered ?! ( I know I sound demanding myself now ! Poor husband stuck in the middle ) I told DH back in the summer that I didn't want anything to do with his mother anymore as she crossed a line ( too much to go into on here ) and I wonder if he's doing this just to evoke a reaction from me ! I just said that's nice, hope you have fun ! But inside I felt my blood pressure rise ! I'm going to make the most of the alone time by booking a spa day if I can and a pootle around the shops, but I still can't get over the fact that he's going away without me and she's won ! What do you think. ?!?!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:08

Er, your problems with your MIL pale into insignificance when you look at the problems with your DH Hmm

So he's booked for him and DD2 to go away to see them and you weren't consulted/asked/it wasn't run past you at all? Hmm

How would he feel if you did the same to him?

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:10

I no longer have the money to do that myself !

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2013 13:10

I'm not sure.
What do you mean in saying she's bloody awful to you for example?

I think it's fine for a man to be close to his mum and seek out a relationship with her you see? I think it's fine for him to visit her for the weekend and take his daughter along too.

Unless you're able to give more details of her awfulness, it looks like you are just as engaged in this power struggle over your dh's affections as she is, to be honest. Both of you want to 'win'. What about how he feels?

LouiseAderyn · 03/12/2013 13:11

I think you need to tell you h that this is unacceptable and you want him to cancel the trip and consult you in future.

If your money bought their house then I hope it is in your name I would sell it from under them .

Your problem is your husband for not discussing plans which will impact on you - he is being disrespectful in allowing them to critcise you, while living in a house you paid for and for not treating you as his partner and making arrangements jointly. That's what you need to fix.

ceebie · 03/12/2013 13:11

Honestly? Your relationship with your DH is based around no communication and doing things to evoke reactions from each other? Neither of you seems capable of being honest with each other or discussing things with each other

harticus · 03/12/2013 13:14

As others have said it is your DH you need to worry about not your MiL.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:14

So why does he think it's acceptable for him to do it when you can't? Confused

Pictish - obviously it's fine for a man to visit his mum/take his daughter etc, but do you really think it's acceptable for this to all be arranged behind OP's back? (genuine question, I'm not being inflammatory)

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:17

The house is in joint names, mine and DH as we did need a small mortgage too.

DH is the breadwinner and I work PT . I think he earns about 10x what I do, but I don't know for sure. Anything to do with his family seems to be non negotiable !

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:21

Sorry to pick up on this changed, but from your last post I've taken that to mean that you don't know what he earns. Have I got this right?

pictish · 03/12/2013 13:22

Well I don't know...if my dh booked a weekend away without consulting me, on a weekend where he knew we had nothing else of import on, I probably wouldn't think too much of it tbh. Am I weird in that? Maybe I am.

It all depends on circumstances doesn't it. If the dh is prone to roughshodding it over the OP's feelings and opinions in general then it's indicative of an attitude that needs to change, but if not...then meh...I'd say it's a bit thoughtless but no great shakes.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:24

... An example of her being awful, long distance even , She sent Easter cards and presents down for the girls and DH each with their own card and small egg etc and she added a card in the parcel for me, when I opened the card it said 'happy Easter ' that's it ! Not even 'to or From ' etc it was the last straw and I told him I was hurt and offended that she could be so rude and he didn't even get cross, but when ever I say or looked as though I was cross about anything she'd done I would get the look from him that was a warning not to start Any trouble .

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:24

No I don't know what he earns.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2013 13:25

To me that isn't an example of her being awful, but of you being oversensitive and precious, sorry to say.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:26

See I'm the opposite (you may be able to tell Grin ) but I can't understand why anyone - husband or wife - would book to go away without at least telling the other one before booking it Confused

changed you say that she has been awful to you - what has she done?

CoffeeTea103 · 03/12/2013 13:26

I think your problems lie with your DH and not so much with your mil. She is only that way with you because he allows it and made it acceptable, can you see that?
Also how do you not know what he earns? Have you ever asked him?

PeppiNephrine · 03/12/2013 13:26

your real problem is with your "poor dh". You don't know what he earns, he books weekends away without telling you, he gives your money to his parents...why do you hate your MIL? Its your husband who is the issue here.

rabbitlady · 03/12/2013 13:27

so basically your 'dh', your dd2, and his parents used your money and treat you like dirt?
while he's away, work through the entire house taking every scrap of evidence of his earnings and assets and getting them photocopied.
secrete all important documents ready for removal to a safe deposit box - don't trust anyone to keep them for you, they'll hand them over to your husband at the first sign of trouble.
also put safely anything you want to keep eg photographs, jewellery.
then get a good solicitor. in fact, you could get on with that today. find a solicitor that will give you a free half hour consultation.
and get on with sorting out your life.

AHardDaysWrite · 03/12/2013 13:28

Your mil sounds nasty, but she's distracting you from the real issue which is your husband. It's not normal or healthy to not know what your husband earns and it sounds like your finances aren't shared, which isn't fair when he earns more than you.

pinkyredrose · 03/12/2013 13:28

It's not your MIL who's the problem. It's the arsehole you're married to.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:28

It may be that the Easter thing was the last straw, but in itself and on the surface it doesn't seem like a massive issue. Is there a back story?

CrapBag · 03/12/2013 13:29

The fact that you don't know what your own husband earns is slightly odd or worrying really. Why wouldn't you know that?

I am guessing the easter thing was the last straw in a long line of things because on its own it sounds fairly trivial, if a bit nasty.

The pure fact that you mainly funded buying a home for her but she treats you badly would be enough for me to have a massive row talk with your 'D'H.

He seems to have little regard for your feelings if he booked a trip for him and your DD without even mentioning it until it was done. Does he normally treat you this way? And yes, your MIL will probably be loving that.

ViviPru · 03/12/2013 13:29

OP you've not addressed any of the posters who are questioning your DHs role in this. All of your vitriol seems aimed at your MIL but to everyone here it seems quite obvious that while she may be difficult to get along with, it's your DH who is facilitating this entire unhappy situation.

SatinSandals · 03/12/2013 13:30

Your major problem is your DH. You are getting very annoyed with the wrong person.

Kyrptonite · 03/12/2013 13:30

What rabbitlady said.

They sound awful. Was it like this before you bought them a house?

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:31

Is it just MIL that they are going to see or are there more family involved? What is your relationship with them like?