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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate my MIL ?

119 replies

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:05

It's a constant battle between me and her for DH's time ! He's not just her little boy anymore , but is a husband and father to our two grown up kids ? DH is always helping them ie gives them money, pays for weekend stays in hotels for them. We (mostly my cash from my pre wedding home) bought a home for them to live in, and she is just bloody awful to me behind his back and lately, even blatantly !!! I get so pissed off when she calls DH all the time, he now takes the calls only on his mobile, and he leaves the room to deal with her. I feel like she's invading my time with him. He's hardly ever here as it is. Now DH has announced the he and DD2 are going to fly over to see them the weekend before Christmas, and I wasn't even in on the discussion! They've booked it ! They come back the on the 23rd. Unless snow prevents them, then I might end up on my own for Christmas ! So now she's getting even more of his time !!! What about me ? What about what I want ? Why wasn't I even considered ?! ( I know I sound demanding myself now ! Poor husband stuck in the middle ) I told DH back in the summer that I didn't want anything to do with his mother anymore as she crossed a line ( too much to go into on here ) and I wonder if he's doing this just to evoke a reaction from me ! I just said that's nice, hope you have fun ! But inside I felt my blood pressure rise ! I'm going to make the most of the alone time by booking a spa day if I can and a pootle around the shops, but I still can't get over the fact that he's going away without me and she's won ! What do you think. ?!?!

OP posts:
CrapBag · 03/12/2013 14:44

"I know I have changed, I was a confident, attractive, financially independent woman before I married him. Now I have no confidence, am older ( lost looks !) and broke !"

Can I ask why you changed? My money is it is something that was done to you, ie your DH's treatment of you that has made you 'retreat'.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:44

Actually, see as many solicitors as you possibly can. Make the very most of the free 30 minute sessions they offer. You'll get masses of advice on the relationships board to help you to optimise the time further.

Don't be afraid to ask around to find really good ones - the other thing to consider is that, once you have sought advice from a solicitor (even if it is a free session) they cannot then represent your DH. Bear it in mind xx

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:50

I was in the house when someone broke in , it was horrendous and I wanted to sell up and move afterwards , but DH won't hear of it . I guess that's when the last of my confidence left . I clammed up and haven't unclammed since.

OP posts:
boschy · 03/12/2013 14:53

I think you might turn into the Mouse that Roared! take advantage of him being away, rebuild your confidence, find a way out and you will be free - and not necessarily poorer financially either.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:53

How long ago was that Changed ? Sad

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:55

Nearly four years ago . I don't sleep in that room when he's not home.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 15:02

(((hugs))) Changed you know and I know (and every bugger on the thread knows Smile ) that that is no way to live. Something has to change.

What made you decide to stay last summer?

You don't have to live like this. You have options, and underneath all your uncertainty you are strong and know your own mind.

Please don't let yourself carry on like this Sad

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 15:06

What changed my mind was the solicitor saying what it would cost and that she couldn't guarantee I'd get my assets back or what I'd have to live on . So circumstance rather than anything else .

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/12/2013 15:13

Solicitors can't make any guarantees. Any kind of legal action carries with it a level of risk and uncertainty.

You now have to consider that risk and decide whether the slim chance of possibly of starting again from scratch is more or less bearable than the certain alternative of a lifetime of (what sounds like) an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

It sounds like you were resourceful and independent once. You can be again.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 15:36

Thank you all so much, you have helped me realise that I'm not in a happy marriage and that I need to sort myself out and move on. I'm going to email that solicitor back and ask for assistance. See what I can do. No point in delaying it ! I need to be strong and stand up for myself ! As for the MIL she's won ! Lucky her ! At least she will have a happy Christmas ! Hope I get custody of the dog !!! Thank you again everyone Xx

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 03/12/2013 15:49

Email other solicitors too, take advantage of the free 30 mins. You hopefully will find one that suits you best.

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 16:23

Hope it all goes well OP. Update us please, as your story may be inspiring to others in a similar situation.

Blueandwhitelover · 03/12/2013 19:01

You sound positive, I wish you luck x

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 03/12/2013 20:25

I just wanted to say I noticed how some posters, were mentioning nothing wrong with the weekend away, without mentioning once that it wasn't just any casual weekend away, but that weekend away is a few days before christmas and if there is snow, OP could be left alone by her partner at christmas.

Is that really so normal and usual?

If my MIL was really ill, alone, couldnt get to us and had a crisis then my DH and I would discuss it and decide whether to go or not.

He would never casually go and see him mum just before christmas, when there was a chance he may get snowed in Confused and leave me, alone.

I also understand the Easter card, its another little dig at you op, I have this too, long messages written to everyone else, with me, no name written, just a scrawl signature, like I am the postman.

Anway, the bottom line here is he does not seem to respect you anymore. All you can do is find out more advice from elsewhere.

You also need to understand that your needs and the prospect of you being homeless is no less important than your pils being homeless. Difference is, if you are made homeless, its not because you had no cash is it...

Time to toughen up.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 22:07

I have moved all my things out of the master suite, am happier in a smaller guest room. have bagged up a lot of stuff I don't want anymore, will take to charity shop tomorrow, and have appt with solicitors on Friday . so it's all onwards and upwards from here . don't laugh , but I got my bicycle out to check it over as I expect he'll want the car back ( it's not in my name ) ! going to get halfords to give it the once over on Thursday ! can't think of anything else I would need to do ?! no doubt the solicitor will give me a check list ?!

OP posts:
boschy · 03/12/2013 22:16

well done! so keep going onwards and upwards. any jewellery/ valuables you can sneak away? he sounds as if he will go all out on the financials, so anything you can do at this stage could be helpful. if you can find and photocopy any financial records so much the better - make sure you have your passport etc. I would also do the same for your children's documentation just to be on the safe side.

also, as someone said upthread - the more solicitors you contact locally for your free half hour, the less there are to act for him.

better to be free and poor than trapped... and once you get a decent solicitor on your case you are probably going to be ok financially.

well done again xx

DrHolmes · 03/12/2013 22:24

I hope you just take the dog. Don't ask!

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 22:30

I think my lovely dog would follow me anywhere , so don't think DH would be able to keep him. he'd escape and find me ! they (dh and dog ) don't get on !

OP posts:
boschy · 03/12/2013 22:33

def hang on to the dog!!

rootypig · 03/12/2013 22:41

Well done! Not silly at all - bikes give an enormous feeling of freedom and release. sounds like you're well overdue both.

Prepare for the solicitor by jotting rough notes, particularly about finances. Property / assets pre marriage, trace them over time eg flat in London my sole name bought 1992 sold 1996, £25k equity into property 2 in PIL name or whatever the facts are - does that make sense? Also how your household finances are arranged - who pays the mortgage, shopping, did you spend time at home looking after the kids and give up earnings, the whole picture. The law is quite fluid at the moment and more in favour of the lower earning partner, usually woman, than ever.

And get / copy all financial info you can. Be wily.

rootypig · 03/12/2013 22:42

Sounds like the dog has him sussed!

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 04/12/2013 10:42

just noticed on the printout that flights were booked on the 1st of November !! I am so doing the right thing here ! he's known about this for weeks !! if I hadn't mentioned a carol service I was planning on going to with DD2 he might not have told me yet even !! he's let me know he'll be home on Friday !

OP posts:
boschy · 04/12/2013 12:47

ok so that gives you a good clear couple of days to get things in motion. when does he go away again? keep at it! and be careful

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 04/12/2013 14:26

probably directly after he reads the solicitors letter I will give him !

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 04/12/2013 17:48

Really glad to read this. I'm sure your 2014 will be a happier and freer one than this last few sound. Flowers