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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my MIL ?

119 replies

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:05

It's a constant battle between me and her for DH's time ! He's not just her little boy anymore , but is a husband and father to our two grown up kids ? DH is always helping them ie gives them money, pays for weekend stays in hotels for them. We (mostly my cash from my pre wedding home) bought a home for them to live in, and she is just bloody awful to me behind his back and lately, even blatantly !!! I get so pissed off when she calls DH all the time, he now takes the calls only on his mobile, and he leaves the room to deal with her. I feel like she's invading my time with him. He's hardly ever here as it is. Now DH has announced the he and DD2 are going to fly over to see them the weekend before Christmas, and I wasn't even in on the discussion! They've booked it ! They come back the on the 23rd. Unless snow prevents them, then I might end up on my own for Christmas ! So now she's getting even more of his time !!! What about me ? What about what I want ? Why wasn't I even considered ?! ( I know I sound demanding myself now ! Poor husband stuck in the middle ) I told DH back in the summer that I didn't want anything to do with his mother anymore as she crossed a line ( too much to go into on here ) and I wonder if he's doing this just to evoke a reaction from me ! I just said that's nice, hope you have fun ! But inside I felt my blood pressure rise ! I'm going to make the most of the alone time by booking a spa day if I can and a pootle around the shops, but I still can't get over the fact that he's going away without me and she's won ! What do you think. ?!?!

OP posts:

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:08

Well ok, she sounds like an overbearing pain in the arse, but lots of women on here have those as mils, and they are able to grit their teeth and cope.
What's really going on here, because I can't work it out.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:10

There is such a thing as changing your mind, you know. If you feel that deciding last summer that you would stay was the wrong decision, you don't have to stick with it....

I know I'm reading a bit more into this than you've posted and I may be completely wrong, but if you have considered ending things before then I imagine that this is not an option that you will have explored lightly.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:11

Does your dh treat you well in general OP? How's your relationship outside of the mil issue?

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 14:11

I'm a bit lost here - but I have a MIL I dislike, as do many of us, and I completely respect that DS talks to her on the phone fairly often, tells her what is happening in our lives within reason, and visits her twice a year. I nag him on that last one, actually, and also to take DS up now he's old enough to go a couple of days without me. She's DH's mum and DS's grandma. And she's been vile to me - way worse than a card. As long as they aren't actually toxic, I think PITA inlaws have to be endured, with minimal levels of contact.

If you're saying your DH is mean with you financially, you have no idea what assets are in the family or how much he earns, and you are given an allowance (though you also say most assets are yours, so presumably you work - are you saying you have completely separate finances, or that you are open with yours and share and he doesn't?) then that is another issue. A big one, and a serious one, but unrelated to your MIL.

Your MIL may be a pain. It doesn't mean she's not your DH's mum, and that he and she have no right to a relationship. I'm really sorry, but that isn't her "winning". She birthed him, raised him and presumably loves him. Unless she is abusive I don't think anyone should seek to disrupt that tie.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 14:12

Sorry, first DS there should be DH.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:13

You see I agree with that ^^.
I can't see what has happened that makes the OP feel like her dh has no business spending time with his mum!

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:14

Or that his mother is taking him away from her!

CrapBag · 03/12/2013 14:15

"I know he's a bit controlling . He comes and goes as he likes, I have to drop everything to spend time with him if he decides to take the day off etc etc ."

This and that fact that he keeps all his paperwork at his office says that you have far worse problems than a nasty MIL.

Do you have proof of you funding their house purchase?

Honestly, I would be seeing what assets I have, whether than involves selling a house that I don't live in or not and getting the hell away from this man.

Would you really stay in a relationship with this man forever because you don't want to make your PIL homeless by selling the house that was funded by your only money?

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:18

OP - I think I agree with the others who say the issue with your mil is a big red herring. I think she's possibly being made a bit of a scapegoat here. I think your problem seems to be your dh more than anything.

Original poster

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:18

Sometimes he's lovely , sometimes I'm scared stiff of him. She's a pain in the arse and a financial drain. We haven't been on holiday abroad together for probably 5or 6 years ! When he decides on something nothing will change his mind at all, ever . He's stubborn and so was I , but now I've not even got the balls to tell him I'm pissed off that he's spending precious time off with someone other than me. And particularly as he might get snowed in and be away all Christmas .

OP posts:

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 14:20

You really shouldn't be scared of your husband :( That's no way to live.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:21

But she's not 'someone' - she's his mum. He is allowed to have a relationship and spend time with his mum!

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:22

Agree with PerfectStorm - unfortunately no matter how much of a pain the arse MIL may be, she is still going to be your DH's mother. And if there is going to be any decision made about visiting etc, then no one can really stop anyone from visiting their own mum.

What concerns me is the unilateral nature of his decision (OK, that may just be my take on it but I can't ever, ever imaging this happening with DH), the statement that he is "controlling" and the fact that you have seen a solicitor in the past. Oh, and the fact that he is secretive with finances, particularly when your assets have been used to buy MIL's house.....

My gut is telling me that there is something else here - what is it Changed?

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 14:23

I think being scared of your own husband is horrifying, OP. And I think you should visit your GP and ask for an urgent counselling referral, privately if need be, on that basis. Seriously, that is not a healthy relationship in the slightest bit and you should never, ever feel that way. Talking with someone trained to help you untangle your feelings and assert yourself again should be an absolute first step IMO.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:23

And no - you should never be scared of your dh...never!

OP - you need to shift your focus from your mil and your dh's wish to see and spend time with her, because that's all normal and fine.
You need to look at the real issue of your dh's attitude towards you, and the behaviour that makes you scared stiff.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:25

Oh. Cross posted. Changed you can't stay with a man that you are "scared stiff" of That is absolutely no way to live darling

MIL issues aside, and in the grand scheme of things this (in the nicest way possible) doesn't look like a MIL issue, but a DH issue.

Original poster

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:27

I get cross when she calls all the time ! But I haven't tried to disconnect their relationship, he visitied them a couple of months ago too , it's not like I have any say in when he visits . I am open with my earnings and accounts etc . He isn't . He's been hinting that my 'allowance ' should be added to the food shopping now as we seem to be spending more ( shopping account hasn't been increased for years :. Everything has gone up ) I've been adding to it anyway for the last couple of years , but now he's suggesting I put it all in ! Which means I will have even less income of my own . Hence I can't afford to go and book flights somewhere if I fancy it . I could just manage a spa treatment somewhere , I'm not flush !!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 14:30

Ye Gods

boschy · 03/12/2013 14:38

sweetheart, forget about MIL, move this to relationships, and find a way to get your 'D' H sorted out. doesnt sound like a healthy place to be - you are being kept in line through financial control and fear.

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 14:39

See a different solicitor - pronto.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 14:40

Your relationship with your husband sounds abusive. Google "financial abuse". But again, I don't think the MIL situation is remotely relevant - I'm afraid I think it's a lightning conductor, emotionally speaking.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:40

Agree with Boschy.

Original poster

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:42

I know I have changed, I was a confident, attractive, financially independent woman before I married him. Now I have no confidence, am older ( lost looks !) and broke ! I'm trying to stay positive but am finding it harder every day . The fact that he's away so much with work means that I get to see very little if him and that's maybe why I'm a bit more upset than most about this. ( hooray I hear you shout , he's away a lot !) I need to man up and get in with it .

OP posts:

CrapBag · 03/12/2013 14:42

Yep, financial abuse immediately sprung to mind then.

This is why you don't know what he earns and why all the paperwork is out of the house. So he doesn't have to justify 'giving' you more money that it sounds like he can easily afford.

I would be getting away from this man ASAP.

Original poster

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:42

*get On with it !

OP posts:

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